


Forbidden but Inevitable

by Soap_Queen



Series: Lost and Found [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: !Brief mentions of Self Harm!, !Mentioned drug use!, !There are Trigger Warnings!, !Underage drinking!, ...Or bisexuals, A good bit of angst :/, Alternate Universe - High School, Clexa!, Eventual Fluff, F/F, F/M, I DON'T KILL GAYS, I'm too innocent for this, Linctavia?, Major Character Death?!, Slow Burn, Student Clarke, Teacher/Student, teacher lexa, teacherxstudent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 24
Words: 100,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26997874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soap_Queen/pseuds/Soap_Queen
Summary: It's Clarke first year at Arkadia High, and she's not excited. She left behind so much and seemed to bring so little with her. However, her perspective changes when she gets close with a certain teacher. Will they give into the forbidden or fight the inevitable?Also, this story gives me major "Take on the World" and "Yellow" vibes in case y'all are music fanatics like myself O_O
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Series: Lost and Found [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2024762
Comments: 81
Kudos: 174





	1. First Impressions

**Author's Note:**

> Hey people! This is my first story I'll be publishing straight from AO3, so the format might be a little different than my other stories on here. Also, this is my first attempts at writing from a narrator's POV. That being said, don't be shy to call me out when I switch to a specific character's POV.

Clarke was woken abruptly to the sound of her alarm blaring. She's been dreading today since she first moved. Her mother practically begged her to go with her to Arkadia. She uprooted her whole life for her mother who is missing from her life 90% of the time. It sounds stupid, and in hindsight, it really was. Clarke knows that too. Thing is, Clarke has always been a giver not a taker. A lover not a fighter, if you will. If she can do something to make someone's life easier, better, she will, even at the sacrifice of something for her. In this sense, she's essentially going down the path to self-destruction. Of course Clarke, ever the faithful giver, has decided that she's going to cut everyone off. She's not going to talk to her old friends, and she's decided not to make knew one's. This way, she physically can't give to anyone but herself. It sounds extreme, but Clarke knows who she is, and she knows her tendencies. If she encounters someone in need of help, she'll help them before helping herself. Logically, to her, this was the only way to not self-destruct, or at least, not bring anyone down with her. 

Sadly, this revelation doesn't save her from the hell that is school. 

She got out of bed, moaning and groaning dramatically, while stumbling her way into the kitchen to make breakfast. No surprise, her mom had left her a note and $20, explaining that she'd be working late at the new hospital we moved here for. Suddenly, Clarke was hit with a pang of regret, but she quickly shook it off and prepared a hearty breakfast consisting of sugary cereal and 2% milk.

Hearty indeed.

Once she wolfed that down, she began looking for clothes. Eventually, she settled on a simply burgundy crop top and black jeans. It was a little more formal than her usual get-up, but she figured she should dress nice for the first day of school. However, she did make a mental note to dress like this more often in the autumn months; it suits her well. 

Next, she put on light make up. Clarke never has been a make up type of girl. She prefers to look more natural, but on special occasions, such as the first day of school, even she can agree that it is necessary. First impressions matter, no matter how many times someone tells you they don't; they do. 

Once she was sure she was ready for school, she checked the clock to see that she was running late. On the first day of school. "So much for first impressions," she mumbled to herself while running a hand through her long, wavy, blonde hair she hadn't bothered to put up. 

She also realized that she didn't have a car. Not that she couldn't drive, she's 17 going on 18 and has had her driver's license for almost two years now, she just had to abandon it before she moved. It was a sad day for Clarke, but she tries to forget how bothered she is about the move. However, the problem is that she missed the bus in her area, and didn't have enough money for a bus ticket and food later. She was condemned to the walk of shame to school. 

The walk to school was long, sad, lonely, and boring, but she eventually made it. The building itself was huge, and she was suddenly hit with anxiety at the realization that not only was she already late, but she had no idea how to get to her first class. This day was SO not going as she planned. She frantically looked around, hoping to see other students loitering outside or trying to skip. She briefly wondered if this was that type of school. Her mom had told her it was filled of top-notch students, the best of the best. However, her mom has been known to stretch the truth for excitement purposes. 

When she found no one, she let out a quiet, almost silent whimper. Her schedule had been delivered via mail, so she didn't even have a reason to go to the office. Not to mention, she didn't want to look or feel like an idiot for having to ask for directions. So, she decided to brave the hallways of a new high school, as the new girl, and pray to a God she doesn't believe in that she manages not to embarrass herself more than she already has, or that she can at least make it to homeroom before 1st period. 

Of course, said God had other things in mind. 

While Clarke was sprinting through the hallways, she almost sprinted into a taller looking guy. "Watch where you're going!" he yelled, not even looking at her. It was obvious he was pissed, but it seemed like his anger was directed at something else. Clarke looked around more intently and noticed a girl pressed against a locker. She was smirking, as if she was unbothered, but her eyes gave it away; she's terrified. Clarke stood there, dumbfounded for a few seconds. Somehow, the guy yelling hadn't realized she hadn't left yet, and he began yelling at the girl. The girl looked at her intently. Her face still had the same smirk, but her eyes seemed both intrigued and pleading.

"You're going to break up with me because of one drunk night?" the guy yelled. 

Before the girl could say anything, she yelled, "Was it? One night." Clarke usually was not this bold with her secret talent, but it was Clarke's instincts to protect people, especially when they looked at her like this girl did. The girl smiled at her, seemingly genuinely proud and surprised of Clarke's deduction. 

"Butt out," the guy seethed while turning to her.

"How'd you know?" the girl asked curiously. 

"Leave her out of this!" he yelled, trying to draw her attention back to him. 

"You have bruises," I noted while looking at the girl sadly, "first thought was that it was the parents. It usually is. Though, this guys hand keeps twitching, and when it does, you flinched. As far as the guess about it not being one night, that was just that. A guess. Though, I do have to say, you have every right to break up with him." The girl beamed at her words, happy to have someone fighting for her, with her. 

"Smart girl," the girl smirked. Her boyfriend scoffed and walked away, obviously displeased by the lack of attention on him. "Raven Reyes," she offered a hand out to introduce herself. Clarke froze, remembering her promise not to make friends. 

It had been a promise long in the making. It was also long overdue, and as much as she liked this girl, she had to stick to her promise. It was something she prided herself on, keeping promises. Taking this girls hand, felt a hell of a lot like a promise to Clarke. "Don't read to far into it," Clarke finally responded, ignoring her hand, "You looked scared, and I had the ability to help, so I did."

The girl looked upset by the rejection of friendship, but she nodded in understanding. Clarke was surprised by the lack of understanding in the girl's eyes. It almost scared her how it felt like this girl had just seen all her deepest, darkest secrets in their brief eye contact. Clarke nodded, signaling the end of the conversation and continued to make her way around the school, looking for her first class of the day. 

\------------------  
For Lexa, it was a normal Monday morning. She woke up bright and early and changed into some athletic clothes, being a sports bra and boy gym shorts. She drank a small cup of coffee before she began her daily jog. Lexa had fallen in love with jogging as a teenager. She had been kind of reckless, and she found that runs helped her work off her hangovers highs. All around, it had been a bad time in her life, but the discovery of her love for running had always made it worth going through

Lexa had sometimes wondered if, had she been less reckless, if her life would've taken a different turn. When she had recovered from her worst experience with her addictions, she decided to set herself straight. It was also the day she decided to become a teacher in hopes of helping to get other students sober before they ruined their lives. Initially, she had wanted to be a guidance counselor, but she had learned in the rest of her high school years that she both excelled at and loved history too much to not share the joys of it. 

It was well known around the school that despite Lexa being a big softie for her students, she had an intimidating side. Just because she was a momma bear to her students, didn't mean she was to be messed with. She had rules that she expected every student to follow. Her classroom was also strongly built on trust. If she trusted her students, she'd allow them more freedom and in turn, they'd trust her more. If they trusted her, they'd open up to her, and she could accomplish her true goal in life; saving the youth from bad decisions. That's how she got the title momma bear. Everyone at school knows that if they have a problem, they should go to Miss Woods. In fact, most chose to go to her over their counselors. If their problem related to another student, however, Lexa showed no mercy. She'd be extremely passive aggressive with the students. At first, she had been scared that the school would not appreciate such childishness from a teacher, but it seemed the teachers enjoyed watching the devious students cower behind Lexa's gave. So, no one told on her. Not to mention, students knew better than to get Miss Woods in trouble. It would go just as badly for them as it did for her. 

When Lexa returned to her home, she hopped into a much needed shower. In the shower, she was reminded of the worse part of her college years. She had been dating a girl, Costia, for years at the time. They had gotten together after Lexa nearly died from her substance abuse, and Costia had even helped her get sober. When Lexa almost died, they'd both realized how much they cared for the other, and made it their goal to be better. For each other. 

Unfortunately, in the middle of their college years, Costia had fallen into the downward spiral of drugs. Lexa had done anything and everything she could think of to help. She told teachers, rehab centers, doctors, anyone. She'd talk to Costia and explained that she knew from experience that this was not a good idea. However, Lexa was careful never to mention her incident. That was, until when night when Costia had stopped breathing while sleeping next to her. Lexa knew the basic idea of CPR and managed to bring Costia back, successfully saving her life after getting to puke her guts out.

That was when Lexa refused to hold back. She pulled every card from the deck, every page from the book, anything to get her girlfriend to see reason. Lexa felt bad for guilt tripping her, but she would do it again in a heart beat if it meant Costia would get better. She had too, for a short period of time. She had been sober for 6 months when someone at school had offered her drugs. Costia, being so fresh on the trek of being sober, saw no harm in using a little bit. Like usual though, a little bit turned to a lot. Costia died where she stood on the school grounds. Unfortunately, Lexa had been the one to find her that morning after she'd been looking for her for hours. When Lexa found her, Costia had been dead for hours, and Lexa knew. Costia was cold to the touch, and it was obvious it was drugs. Lexa was no doctor though, so she was unsure if it was a bad batch or an overdose. 

For years Lexa felt guilty for her girlfriend's death. It didn't help that Costia's parents blamed her as well. They had claimed that Costia would be alive if she had never met Lexa, and that without Lexa, she would've never walked down the dangerous path of drugs. Lexa, for a long time agreed with them. She had almost spiraled back into drugs as well. Almost. It was one of the hardest things in her life, but she had managed not to touch alcohol or drugs once in her downward spiral into a depressive state.

It wasn't until her best friends, Luna and Anya, built her back up that she got back to her feet. Luna, Anya, and her had been best friends since childhood and never once left each other's sides. In fact, they had considered themselves to be sisters more than friends. They had all even returned to the school they graduated from, Arkadia high, to teach together. It was yet another reason why Lexa never got in trouble for her childish shenanigans at school. Her best friends taught PE and math. Anya was always a math freak while Luna was gym nut. Luna had also considered teaching health at some point, but she eventually decided that teaching a bunch horny teenagers about sex was not her forte.

Once Lexa finished her shower, she wiped off her face. She had shed a few tears in the shower, as per her usual routine. Once she dried off, she walked back to her room to slide on some clothes fit for the day. Lexa always wore flannels and sweats to school. However, today she decided to dress in a skirt because today was one of the rare casual dress days for teachers. Lexa was not much of a skirt person, but she always felt likeable in them, and she liked when people found her likeable.

It was especially important today because she had a new student arrive. She didn't know their name or gender yet, simply that they just moved from across the country. Their name wouldn't even be added to her roster until this coming Wednesday. It was frustrating for her. She always liked knowing her student's names, at least. However, she guessed that due to the move, she might spend some extra time talking with this student, especially if they learned that Lexa was practically the guidance counselor for her students. 

When Lexa was fully clothed, she braided her hair neatly before leaving her room. "Hey An!" she called out.

"Yes, Lex?" she called back from her spot on the couch. 

Anya, Luna, and Lexa all lived together since Costia's death. They all agreed that Lexa would need the extra support. After Lexa got over it, for the most part, they all just decided to continue living together as it had become part of their routine. 

"Did you cook?" Lexa asked while scrunching up her nose in distate.

"I attempted to," she looked slighty hurt, "is it really that bad?"

"No, it just smells a little.. burnt in here is all," she offered sadly, trying to ease her sister's hurt. truth was, it smelled like something died and was churned around in the garbage disposal, but she didn't need to tell her sister that. Instead, she subtly began lighting scented candles around the house that were strategically placed for this exact occasion because, sadly, it happened more often than not. Anya was too stubborn to admit that she couldn't cook, Lexa was too compassionate to tell Anya that she couldn't cook, and Luna was too straight-forward to spare Anya's dignity, so, candles. 

As soon as Lexa finished lighting the candles, Luna exited the bathroom, toothbrush and toothpaste filling her mouth. "What the fuck died out here?" she exclaimed, spewing toothpaste on the floor. Lexa subtly jabbed Luna in reprimand, hoping to stop the war that was about to go down between her sisters.

"It does not smell that bad!" Anya reasoned. 

"Oh, so it crawled up your ass and infected your brain too?" Luna retorted. Lexa had to hide a laugh when she said that. Anya had been acting like something crawled up her ass lately. Though, Lexa had always assumed it was a stick. 

"Real funny," Anya fake applauded.

Luna bowed in faux appreciation, and all of them, Anya included, couldn't help but laugh off what had just gone down. Once Lexa recovered, she went into the kitchen to clean whatever mess Anya made, which really wasn't much considering the smell made it seem like she trashed the place, and making her sister's breakfast before they had to rush into work. When the food was done, they all ate and discussed the happenings, mostly in the school. 

"Do either of you have a new student too?" Anya asked eventually. 

"I do," Lexa answered calmly between bites of food. 

"Me too," Luna nodded. 

"Did you guys get to hear anything about them?" Anya asked, curiously eying her sisters. 

"I know they're a girl. that's it," Luna said, sounding almost sad at the lack of information she was giving. Lexa agreed, it was unfortunate. 

"So they becomes a she," Anya nodded while continuing to eat her breakfast, seemingly content with the small bit of information. 

"Is that why Lex is dressed so nice today?" Luna asked. 

"First impressions are important," she nodded professionally in agreement. 

"Lexa, you're going to give the poor girl a heart attack in that out fit," Anya chuckled. 

"How so?" Lexa asked, completely confused.

"Lex, you look so good even I'd want to take you to bed and ravish you," Luna scrunched her nose in distaste, simply because we're like sisters. 

"Never use me, bed, and ravishing while talking about things you're going to do EVER again," Lexa screeched, obviously not enjoying the words that came from her sister's mouth. 

"Agreed," Anya seemed equally as disgusted by the idea.

"I'm just being honest," she shrugged while bringing everyone's plates back to the sink. 

Anya looked at her watch before gasping loudly, "Leave the dishes. We gotta go!" 

With that, the three women rushed to through their shoes on, grab their bags, and get out the door. They always had to chuckle lightly in moments like this as they were always reminiscent of their high school years, and though they weren't the best experience in Lexa's life, they certainly weren't the worst.

Anya always drove them to school because Lexa would always cook and Luna would always clean. The only time she didn't drive is if she was sick or simply taking a day off, and if that was the case, Lexa and Luna would rock, paper, scissors each other for it, neither wanting to spend money on the gas it would take to get there.

They arrived at the beginning of homeroom, and Lexa and Anya both cursed, knowing they have students in the classrooms for homeroom. Luna simply chuckled at their expressions while gathering her stuff to get to her class. Lexa and Anya continued muttering strings of curses while practically running into the hallways to get to their classes. 

When Lexa arrived in her classroom, she found that all her students were doing what they were supposed to be. She had to admit, she was surprised that her Seniors were not acting like sociopaths in the morning, but she was proud nonetheless. "Sorry I'm late students. Miss Forest ruined the kitchen. Again," Lexa chuckled to herself as she explained her tardiness to the class. They all started laughing hysterically before prompting Lexa to elaborate on her story. 

Students, for the longest time, had known that Lexa, Luna, and Anya lived together. It had started when the Seniors last year, meaning these kids were Freshman at the time, decided to prank Luna, their gym teacher, by messing with her car. It had been Lexa's first year teaching, and she was, to say the least, mortified. It was nothing permanent, but they were shocked when they saw that it was not only Luna at the car, but her and Anya as well. For about a month after that, people started whispering that they were all in a relationship. Anya, Luna, and herself had humored them and allowed the students to think that was so before revealing that they were actually just really close friends and even telling them that they considered themselves to be sisters. 

"What did she ruin this time?" One student asked while trying to calm down from their laughing fits. 

"Surprisingly, nothing. Maybe she is improving," Lexa nodded while chuckling at her own remark.

"Did it still smell like death?" one student asked, not laughter in his tone. 

"...Yes," Lexa admitted, and now everyone, the boy included, were laughing.

"Please, tell me the candles were lit!" One exclaimed while throwing a hand into the air.

It had become a joke with her homeroom students that she had a candle obsession. It was joked that she lit them simply because she liked candles, not to "spare Anya's dignity" or whatever, but Lexa had always denied the fact, even if it was just that; a fact. "Yes," Lexa admitted, "the candles were lit." At this point, her students were barely breathing.

"Miss Rivers better have had a damn good quip," one yelled loud enough for her to hear them over the laughter in the room. Lexa had heard the kid swear, but she was never one to cop kids about their language. She viewed it as a way for them to express themselves when big words didn't seem like the right fit. 

It was also well known by her students that Luna always had something snarky to say to remind Anya of her kitchen-related failures. She always had been that way, even when they were as young as ten. "She said, and I quote, 'Oh, so it crawled up your ass and infected your brain too?'," Lexa answered them, and that seemed to send them into orbit. 

"Alright class, I know today's lesson on the troublesome threesome," Lexa had taken to referring to her sisters and herself as that after a student had come up with it, "was hilarious, but we must quite down and preserve what dignity Miss Forest has left. Her classroom is right there." Lexa proceeded to point to the wall behind her students to prove her point. They all snorted their laughter and acknowledgement before calming down.   
\----------------------  
Clarke was wondering the halls until she finally found a door labelled with "Miss Forest." The room sounded quiet and focused. Her brows furrowed in sadness when she heard the melodious laughter of the room next to her homeroom, silently wishing that had been her homeroom instead of this one. Clarke quietly pushed the door open, knowing very well that homeroom was to end in about 1 minute. "Hi," she squeaked quietly when no one seemed to notice her presence. She mentally face palmed when she heard how she sounded, but the teacher simply smiled at her. 

"You must be the new student?" she asked curiously. Clarke frowned at the term, slightly hurt by the terminology but she nodded while glancing around the room. 

The teacher picked up on Clarke's anxiety and invited her to her desk for a more private conversation. "Don't worry. I'm not going to force you to introduce yourself," she smiled. Clarke visibly exhaled her relief and the teacher chuckled lightly at her reaction. "What's your name?" she asked. 

"No one told you?" Clarke asked, knowing most teachers get to know their students names before meeting them in person.

"All I know is you moved here from Washington D.C," Miss Forest smiled. 

"That's dumb," Clarke huffed.

"Agreed," Miss Forest nodded. 

"I'm Clarke, Clarke Griffin," she finally introduced herself, though, she was sure not to extend her hand to the woman. She was firm on only making and keeping her promise not to make friends, especially with her teachers. 

"Clarke," she repeated, "it's a lovely name for a young girl." She nodded at the end of her sentence, confirming that her statement had been the truth. Clarke smiled pleasantly at her before asking where she was to sit. Miss Forest was quick to point her in the direction of a seat. 

Clarke froze when she realized who she was sitting next to. "Raven Reyes," she chuckled bitterly, realizing now that she probably would not be able to keep her promise of not making friends if she was to have classes with this girl as well. 

"New girl," She acknowledged, but made no more action to converse. Clarke nodded, appreciative of the girl's understanding of not wanting to make friends. Truth was, Raven simply did not know the girl's name, and she did not want to push and make her uncomfortable. Realistically, Raven was studying the girl from the corner of her eye, trying to find out why the new girl would reject the offer of making friend's with a girl from a school she did not yet understand. 

Homeroom and first period passed quickly, though not at all painlessly. She was lucky that this school was right in line with her old one as far as curriculum, however, she was not accustomed to this specific teacher's way of teaching math. She was way to energetic about such a topic, though, Clarke did find that it made the class pass faster, and for once, everything made sense. It was simply making the adjustment that made the morning painful. When the class finally ended, Miss Forest had requested that she stay behind, explaining that she'd write a note to whatever teacher Clarke had next to excuse her absence. 

"I just want to let you know, I know I have a weird way of teaching math, so just let me know if it's not for you. I'm sure D.C. teachers very differently from here," she chuckled and Clarke smiled appreciatively, "If this isn't working for you, I'll let you get on the computers and you can work with online, or physical, textbooks."

"Thank you, Miss Forest, but I quite like your teaching methods. They're just new is all," Clarke smiled, hoping it would prove that she was being completely honest. Anya got the memo and smiled back, trying to be as inviting as possible to this new student. 

"Who's your next teacher?" Miss Forest asked, already pulling out a pen and paper to write the note.

"Err... Miss Rivers," Clarke replied. 

"Good. She's sweet... Most of the time," Anya said begrudgingly, remembering her words from this morning. 

"Good to know," Clarke smiled thankfully. Anya couldn't help but note that the girl was quite cute. Clarke was not her type, but she could acknowledge that she was generally attractive. She felt slightly creepy thinking these things about a student, but she had to admit she analyzed all her students in this way. Not because she was interested in them -in that way-, simply because she worried for the more attractive students. They tend to have a tough time in high school, sometimes even more so than the less attractive students. Anya hated this, but it was a fact. Everyone has it bad in high school, that is a given, but everyone's experience is also different. She simply worries for their well-being. 

Clarke raised an eyebrow at her, catching her looking Clarke up and down. Clarke felt a little uneasy by the reaction, but Miss Forest made an apologetic face towards her. Clarke understood that the teacher had not meant to be creepy, she was only looking over the new girl in her class. "Have a good day, Miss Forest," Clarke said as she exited the room. 

Anya smiled at the girl. Very few students wished her a good day unless they wanted something. She could already tell she was going to like this girl. 

Clarke's gym class passed pretty fast, and she was genuinely surprised when she actually found herself enjoying the class. Usually, she'd rather sit through a math class than a gym class. This school really is different from her old one. The gym class had consisted of playing an optional game of soccer. Those who didn't want to play were asked to walk laps around the gym cautiously. She had made a big deal of watching out for flying balls, and people, from the soccer game. Clarke had decided to walk the laps on her own, and she had to admit that she enjoyed the time alone with her thoughts. 

She thought back to her family in D.C. Her dad, younger sisters, Charlotte and Madi, and her older brother, Wells, had stayed behind when her parents got divorced a few months ago. Her parents allowed them to chose who they stayed with. Clarke had initially chosen to stay with her siblings. They had always brought her peace, and calm. She enjoyed the unpredictable storm that was her younger siblings and the kind stability her brother could always offer her. However, none of that happiness compared to the pain and sadness she felt when she watched her mother cry later that night. She was terrified of being alone at her new job. Clarke decided that she'd leave with her. She didn't expect her siblings to go, in fact, she didn't want them to. Wells had thanked her for stepping up to the plate and playing the big sibling roll when he couldn't for their mom. Clarke had smiled at him, telling him to watch over their sisters. He had kissed her forehead and promised that they'd visit as soon as possible. 

When Clarke recovered form her memories, she realized she had started crying. It was not much, just a few tears down her face and some shaky breaths, but nothing too horrible. She pulled herself together, aggressively wiping at her face. Unfortunately, she reached for her face as she passed the teacher, and Miss Rivers had called her over. "Yes?" Clarke asked, trying to sound like she had not just been crying. 

"Are you alright?" she asked, sounding genuinely concerned. 

"I'm fine," Clarke responded, rather calm given the situation. Unfortunately for Clarke, Miss Rivers saw right through her. However, Luna simply sent her on her way back to walking her laps, not wanting to embarrass the girl or make her uncomfortable. Luna had no idea what Clarke's life was like, but she could tell just by the move, that her life was not perfect.   
\-------------------  
Lunch couldn't roll around fast enough for Lexa. She had been waiting to meet her new student all day because she had the student in the last class of the day, and lunch just meant she was one step closer to meeting the new student. "An, Lun," she acknowledged her friend's when the met up in her room to catch up with each other. 

"We got to meet the new student," Anya stuck her tongue out at Lexa. 

"Rude," Lexa muttered under her breath.

"She was crying in my class," Luna told them reservedly. She was unsure if she should be sharing this information with her friends and fellow teachers, but if anyone should know about a students troubles, it was Lexa. 

"Really?" Anya asked incredulously while Lexa remained silent.

"Yes, really," Luna rolled her eyes.

"She seemed so happy in my class," Anya said almost dreamily, as if she had hoped the girls happiness would've lasted longer, "she even wished me a good day."

"At least she's polite," Lexa finally spoke up.

"Did she say why she was crying?" Anya asked, ignoring Lexa's comment. 

"She only said she was fine," Luna shrugged.

"So, she's mini Lexa," Anya frowned, knowing that if that really was the case, the girl was not on a good path in life. 

"Or mini Anya," Luna quipped, knowing all of them were guilty of hiding their feelings. 

"Or mini Luna," Lexa pointed out, completing the triangle of pointing the finger at each other. They laughed slightly before continuing their conversation about their students.

It didn't take long for Lexa's last class of the day to sneak up on her, and she couldn't wait to introduce herself to the new student as well as offer her services as dedicated counselor for her students. She was grading papers when a blonde she didn't recognize entered the room. "You must be the new student?" she asked, eyeing the girl curiously.

"Seriously, did none of you get told my name?" she huffed while approaching the teacher's desk. 

"Seriously," Lexa looked at her, no humor in her tone. She was just as frustrated by the lack of information as this girl.

"Clarke Griffin," she said simply. Lexa noted how the girl crossed her arms around her chest rather than offering a hand in introduction. 

"No handshake?" Lexa asked teasingly. 

"I don't make promises I can't keep," Clarke said simply. "where do I sit?" she asked, effectively changing the topic before Lexa could comment. 

"Sit where. I don't have a seating chart for my classes," she told the girl.

"Sweet," the girl seemed genuinely excited about getting to chose her seat. 

Lexa followed the girls with her eyes, trying to guess where the girl would choose to sit... Okay and maybe ogling her a little. Lexa felt awful, but she couldn't help it. The girl was simply gorgeous. Is she allowed to admire such beauty without being perceived as a pervert or a cougar? She quickly snapped her head away from the girl. This type of path is a dangerous one, and she's not at all prepared to attempts to walk it. 

She was not at all surprised when she looked up to find the girl sat in the very back corner of the classroom. People started pouring in and everyone took note of Clarke before taking their respective seats. Most students chose their seats the first day of school and never picked a different one. Lexa found it interesting that none of her students had chose the spot Clarke was now sitting in prior to the girl's arrival, but maybe that's because most students felt open with Lexa, where as Clarke was unsure of her. 

The class seemed to drag on as Lexa continued to sneak glances at Clarke. It was wrong. She knew it was wrong, and she mentally scolded herself for letting it happen in the first place. however, that didn't stop her from continuing to check on the girl through out the class. When the bell finally rang, dismissing the students to their busses, Lexa waved Clarke over to her desk, wanting to consult her about the girl's move and letting her know that Clarke was welcome to open up to her if she felt comfortable enough. 

"I just wanted to fill you in on some insider info," Lexa smiled politely, and Clarke returned the gesture, "I'm kind of known as the momma bear at the school, and I'm basically the dedicated counselor. I've had my troubles in the past, and I've always wanted to help students find their way," Lexa hoped that by telling a bit about herself, the girl would open up as well, "I just want you to know, you can talk to me if you want to. I won't judge you."

"Good try," Clarke nodded with a snort. 

"Hmm?" Lexa hummed in confusion.

"Opening up first so I'll trust you. Oldest trick in the book Miss," Clarke said while a knowing smile on her face while Lexa's jaw hung open. She had expected the girl to pick up on what she was doing, but she had not expected the seemingly closed off student to call her out on it.

"Maybe that was what I was doing," Lexa admitted with no trace of remorse, "but I meant what I said. I'm here for you."

"Thank you, but no thank you," she said while getting up to walk away.

"Listen," Lexa almost demanded, surprised by her tone just as much as the girl was, "Sorry. Look. I get that you're the type of girl who just wants to spiral on their own and self destruct without bringing people down with them-"

"How'd you know that," Clarke cut her off, genuinely confused as to how the teacher learned so much about her in that short class period. 

"I didn't until now," Lexa smirked, knowing she had just won an important piece of information.

"We're done here," Clarke walked away before Lexa could say anything.

So much for a good first impression.  
\---------------------------------  
"First day of school and someone's already found out your reasons for being so aloof," Clarke muttered to herself, "Idiot."

Clarke secretly began hoping that first impressions didn't matter, but no matter what other people tell you, they do.


	2. Not Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arkadia Highs is taking the Seniors and teachers on a skiing trip a month after Clarke's first day at the school. She has still refused to make friends and hasn't opened up to anyone, but the loneliness is starting to settle in. Clarke's starting to feel the weight of the loss of her rock and those she's been anchored to her whole life. She never thought leaving people behind could be this painful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a big time jump, but I really wanted to write this specific idea, and in order for it to make sense, I had to take a pretty big time jump. Anyway, enjoy and feel free to correct me when I make mistakes!

"Clarke, honey, wake up!" Clarke's mom yelled to her. For the first time since they moved, Abby was home at the same time as Clarke. Clarke didn't know this, and she sprinted out of bed and jumped into her mom's arms. She hadn't intended to, but she ended up sobbing. "Oh, honey," Abby cooed while stroking her daughter's back lovingly. Abby rarely shows it, but she does love her daughter unconditionally and eternally, especially after the sacrifice she made for her before the move. 

"Mom," Clarke whispered, barely audible.

"Yes, sweety," she said while hugging her daughter tighter.

"I've missed you," she admitted through sniffles, and Abby's heart broke.

Abby hadn't thought much about the toll this must be taking on her daughter. Of course, she knew it was hard. Wells had always been Clarke's rock, and Clarke was always Madi and Charlotte's rock. Clarke's absence was sure to be noticed. Not to mention, they brought life to Clarke. More accurately, they brought life to each other. She was sure everyone in the family was suffering the losses of the family they've known for as long as they can remember. Abby hadn't considered the toll this move would have on her family. She only knew that her fighting with her -now ex- husband was not how she wanted their family to remember her and Jake. She had wanted them to remember being happy before the separation. She also knew that her and Jake fighting in front of the girl's wasn't healthy for any of them either. 

Abby had been gone so much in the recent month that she hadn't noticed just how bad this was effecting Clarke. She was in a new place, and she didn't know anyone. She kissed Clarke's cheek and told her to get ready for the trip today. It was supposed to be for the whole weekend, and Abby knew she too would feel the absence of her daughter as she was feeling the absence of her younger girls. While Clarke was getting ready, Abby grew a pair and reached out to Jake, inviting him to see the new house in California where they lived now. She knew everyone was missing everyone, and the sooner they could get together, the better. 

Abby, then, reached out to Clarke's teacher's to see how she was doing. Abby had gotten immediate responses from a few teacher's, but one in particular stood out, mostly because they got the undertone of what Abby was asking. She wanted to know how Clarke was doing in all aspects of the word, not just academically. 

_Dear Mrs. Griffin,_

_Clarke has been very stubborn in class. She's not disruptive, and she's actually quite smart. She just has a problem opening up. I know she is in a new environment. She is expected to act out. Though, I usually get students to trust me much faster. I've only known Clarke for a fraction of the time you have, but I can tell she's not okay. She won't tell anyone because she's stubborn. That's the only word that describes her correctly. A fellow teacher of mine has caught her crying in most of her classes. She won't talk to anyone about it either. She gets her work done, crying 60% of the time, turns it in, and seems to draw... or maybe write? I do not know. I knew it is strange for me to have deducted so much from your daughter in so little time, but I'm known for being able to read people. Plus, if I'm being honest Mrs. Griffin, what she's doing isn't healthy, and I worry for her._

_-Lexa Woods, History Teacher_

Abby was stunned by how well the teacher already knew her daughter. According to this history teacher, Clarke has not spoken a single word to her, and she gathered all of this. Another thing she picked up on is that the teacher worries for her. None of the teachers in D.C. ever worried for Clarke. Maybe it's because she didn't need to be worried about then, but Abby thought it was sweet that a teacher seemed so invested in her daughter's well-being. The final thing to catch her eye, was word of Clarke's crying everyday. Abby couldn't help but feel guilty. She practically guilt tripped her daughter into this, knowing her daughter could not refuse her. Truthfully, it had not been her intention to force her daughter into such a position, but when her daughter agreed to go to California with her, she hadn't questioned it. She had been happy that one of her kids wanted to leave with her rather than stay with their father. 

"I'm headed out, Mom!" Clarke yelled over her shoulder.

"Okay, need a ride honey?" she asked, hoping for more time with her daughter.

"I'll walk. It's okay, Mom," she smiled at her mom before waving and closing the door shut behind her.

On the walk to the school, Clarke had been debating something. She had done so good to keep her promise to herself so far, but what was the point? She was going to self-destruct either way. One way was just a lot sadder and a lot more... destructive. Being alone has allowed Clarke to learn that she hates being lonely. She hates being alone. She hates not having her rock. Against her better judgement, she reached out to her older brother for the first time. She knew it had been a while, and she expected him to be a little angry with her for not reaching out sooner, but she really needed her big brother right now. 

"Wells?" she asked curiously into the call when it stopped ringing.

"Clarke!" he exclaimed.

"Shh, don't get Madi and Charlotte's attention," she chided. Clarke really did want to talk to them, more than anything, and she knew they probably needed their big sister, but she also really needed my big brother first. 

"Why?" he asked, sounding hurt for his sister's.

"It's- this is a conversation between the two of us. Not them," she said.

"Okay. Whatcha need little sis?" he asked curiously.

"Remember that promise I made?" she asked.

"That one about not letting people in?" he asked, obviously rolling his eyes on the other side of the phone. 

"Yes, that one," she rolled my eyes too, knowing her could hear it in my tone.

"Clarkie, just let people in. You're a good person don't waste that by not letting people get to know you. I know you're too stubborn and proud to go back on your promises, but I promise you, you'll regret this choice for the rest of your life if you keep going down this path," Wells gave his world-renowned big brother advice.

"Thanks big bro," she sniffled. 

"Emotional today, are we?" he asked as I approached the busses taking us to the skiing location. 

"Just a little," she admitted, "I miss you guys." 

"We miss you too," Wells said, still trying not to wake his sisters because it was 5am, "between you and me, Madi has been sleeping in Charlotte's room and practically crying herself to sleep every night. Charlotte's humming is the only thing that puts her out when she gets like that. We both know you were more of a mom to them than Mom."

"I know," Clarke sniffled, practically crying in front of all my peers now. She glanced up to see a pair of green eyes she'd come to love in the past month. She was staring at her as if Clarke had just had a heart attack, and she wasn't sure if Clarke was going to live. Clarke offered up a fake smile of reassurance before throwing her stuff in the back of the bus while tucking the phone between her shoulder and ear. 

"Charlotte has... Stepped up, but it's not the same to Madi. She wakes up crying for you sometimes. She yells for her mom, and when we tell her Mom is gone, she rephrases it, saying that she wants you," Wells continued. 

"Jesus! I know I'm an idiot!" Clarke yelled, attracting the attention of all her peers. Most had barely ever heard her talk, let alone raise her voice. Lexa approached her cautiously, trying to signal that she was here for her. 

"I'm not saying you're an idiot. I'm trying to tell you that no matter what choices you make, someone will get hurt. Sometimes, when we try to protect ourselves and others, we hurt ourselves and others instead," he concluded, "stay strong little sis. Until we meet again." With that, he hung up, and Clarke was gaping at the wise advice from her brother. She shook her head aggressively, willing the thoughts away from her brain as she threw the last of her bags into the bus, pushing her phone into the butt pockets of her jeans. 

"So," Lexa prompted.

"So?" Clarke asked, still a little snappy from her phone call, "Sorry."

"All good," Lexa chuckled, "I'm just here to listen. Judgement free zone, remember?"

Clarke weighed the words of her brother. Was it possible that by trying to protect herself, and certain other's from herself, that she had actually hurt more people that she helped? She left her dad, brother, and sisters for her mom. She helped one person while simultaneously hurting 5 others, herself included. The hardest thing to accept was, she didn't regret her choice, and it might have something to do with a certain pair of green eyes, staring her down at the moment. Though, she'd never admit that out loud. 

"I have siblings," she finally whispered in admission to her history teacher. Lexa simply nodded her head, honoring her promise to just listen and not judge or interject. "They still live in D.C," Clarke continued. She looked into Lexa's eyes, silently asking her teacher to say something. She hates having one-sided conversations like this.

"You know, Miss Rivers and Miss Forest have been siblings to me for as long as I can remember," she seemed somewhat dreamy, although she was in another world, "I can't imagine leaving them, though, I'm sure you had your reasons."

"I didn't want my mom to be alone," Clarke admitted silently, now seeing how silly she sounds. 

"That's brave of you," Lexa smiled at her, suddenly liking this girl more for her willingness to sacrifice. 

"I thought it was too," Clarke said sadly. "You better not spill this to Miss Rivers and Miss Forest," Clarke stared her down, suddenly realizing that if they were as close as Miss Woods suggested, they probably told each other everything.

Lexa crossed her heart with one hand while putting the other in the air, making a silent promise to keep her mouth shut. "It was brave of you," Lexa reiterated. 

"It would've been had I not hurt more people than I helped," I told her. 

"What do you mean?" Lexa asked, genuinely confused as to why this girl held so much guilt directed at herself. 

"You know what? Nevermind. This is... This is a lot to unload on you," Clarke said, sounding immediately apologetic while backing way from the teacher.

"Clarke," Lexa called after her. She had the urge to reach for the girl's wrist, but that would've been inappropriate. What was more inappropriate, though, was Lexa following the girl into the bathrooms she had ran away to. Lexa knew very well that Clarke had no friends here. No one would come running after her to make sure she was okay. No one would tell her it was alright, what she died. No one would offer her some much-needed tissues. No one would urge her to continue. No one but Lexa. 

When she approached the bathroom inside the school that Clarke had ran into, she could already hear her soft sobs from inside the room. She knocked lightly before pushing the door open. It had been left cracked accidently, and Clarke cursed herself under her breath for doing such a thing. The bathroom Clarke had ran to didn't have stalls. It was a one bathroom with a sink and a toilet, and Clarke realized she probably ran into the teacher's bathroom. "Sorry. I-I'm still figuring my way around this place," Clarke apologized while standing up, still crying pretty hard. 

"Shh," Lexa shushed, and she felt a surge of peace come over her. One she hadn't felt since the nights where she tucked a young Charlotte and Madi into bed. One she hasn't felt this a younger Wells helped a younger Clarke calm down from all her anxiety attacks. One her own mother couldn't even bring her. Only her siblings. The nostalgia was enough to knock Clarke back to the ground, and she was surprised when Miss Woods dropped to the ground with her. 

Lexa, against her better judgement, offered the younger girl a hug. She hugs her student's all the time. In fact, it's usually how students would thank her for allowing them to open up to her, and she always accepted the hugs warmly. Clarke hesitated before deciding that really, all she wanted was a hug. She pushed her forehead onto her teacher's shoulder, trying not to get tears on her clothes. Miss Woods wrapped her arms around Clarke's back while stroking at her back, so similarly to Wells that for a second, only a second, she allowed herself to believe that it was him and not her teacher. 

Eventually, Clarke relaxed slightly and she wrapped her arms loosely around her teacher's abdomen as a thank you. She couldn't help but note how fit her teacher seemed to be. Little did she know, Lexa had been making similar notes. She had moved her arms around the younger girl's neck and had been stroking the younger girl's hair, knowing that's what always calmed her down. Lexa had noted that Clarke had a nice neck. It was something Lexa always noted about people. That and hands. Necks and hands were so enticing to Lexa. She knew how strange it was, but she couldn't help it. She had thought Clarke and a stunning neck and perfect hands, but she expelled that thought from her head faster that the school expelled teachers for sexual assault and harassment. 

"Thanks," Clarke said, mostly calmed now and releasing the older woman from her grasp. "I- uh... Nevermind," Clarke stuttered.

"No, go ahead. Ask," Lexa prompted her.

"I... uh... can you sit with me, or me sit with you? I uh.. I have no one else to sit with," Clarke said sadly, and she knew she sounded pathetic. She didn't want to be a burden to Miss Woods, but she was also very aware that she wanted to be in this teacher's presence, despite how wrong she knew it was. 

"You can sit with me. Miss Forest and Miss Rivers won't mind," Lexa smiled. Luna and Anya were the only other two teachers on this specific bus, and she knew they where aware of her almost compulsive need to help the girl.

"Thank you," Clarke whispered again while standing up. She walked to the sink while splashing water into her face. "Sorry about your shirt," she offered, more embarrassed now than she's ever been in her whole life. 

"It's all good. I've got spares," she waved her hand to dismiss the apology.

They exited the bathroom together which, they really shouldn't have done because Luna was walking past the bathroom at the time, looking for Lexa because the bus was leaving. She raised an eyebrow at the two before saying, "the bus is leaving," and turning back to the bus.

"I thought you said you were close?" Clarke asked, obviously wondering where this suddenly coldness came from from Miss Rivers, her usually otherwise caring gym teacher. 

"We are," Lexa nodded while narrowing her eyes at her sister. Neither had thought about it strange it must've looked for them to exit a one room bathroom together. 

They walked to the bus together, and Lexa waved Clarke into her seat at the front of the bus. "A word?" Luna asked when she saw Clarke sitting with Lexa. She glanced at Anya, telling her was supposed to come as well. Lexa nodded to Clarke was if saying "wait here" before exiting the bus quickly with Miss Forest and Miss Rivers. 

"What the hell was that?" Luna exclaimed quietly.

"What?" Lexa and Anya asked at the same time, completely confused.

"Don't play innocent," Luna narrowed her eyes at Lexa.

"I'm dead serious, Luna. What the hell are you getting at?" Lexa asked.

"You and Clarke exiting the bathroom together," Luna seethed under her breath.

That's when Lexa realized how awful it must've looked. Anya gaped at Lexa, but said nothing until she heard Lexa's side of the story. "You really think that little of me?" Lexa hissed at Luna, and Luna realized that maybe she should've gotten the facts before making assumptions. 

"She finally opened up to me," Lexa admitted, watching as her friends glares changed from accusing to curious. "I promised I wouldn't spill," Lexa said, much to Luna and Anya's dismay, while crossing her heart symbolic to her promise. 

"Whatever. That still doesn't explain being in the bathroom with her," Anya remarked. 

"She ran in there after spilling a little. I just instinctively ran after her. I calmed her down, and we returned," Lexa explained, and Luna and Anya nodded, knowing that Lexa never lied to them. She withheld the truth, but she didn't lie. It went against her big rule of trust. 

Content with the explanation, the trio got back on the bus and into their respective seats while telling the bus driver they were ready to go. When Lexa sat down, Clarke was staring absentmindedly out the window of the bus. She figured Clarke probably wanted some time with her thoughts after all that she shared this morning. It wasn't a lot to Lexa, but it was obviously a lot for Clarke. Lexa is a patient person. She can wait for answers. So, she decided to chat with her sisters until Clarke decided she was ready to talk. It was to be a 6 hour bus ride after all. 

In Clarke's head, all she could do was replay the hug with Lexa. It was just a hug. She hugs her family all the time, and doesn't bat an eyelash, but she hugs a teacher, once, and suddenly can't think about how she got the faintest hint to the fact that her teacher had abs. Or how her teacher had so willingly followed her and comforted her when she needed it. Truthfully, she shouldn't be reading this far into it, Clarke knows that, but she can't help but think another second of thinking about it won't hurt. Though, one second becomes two, then four, then eight, and so on. She really needed her brain to stop thinking about her teacher like this, but it was this or thinking about her youngest sister who wouldn't stop calling out for her Mom. She wouldn't stop calling out for Clarke. She thought Clarke was her mom. 

You see, Clarke had been raised by her dad mostly. Her brother was only two years older and didn't have much hand in her decisions in life until she turned 16. However, unlike most kids, when Charlotte and Madi were born, Clarke had been ecstatic. She was excited to help raise two kids in the way she never could've been. She wanted them to have a big sister they could trust, though, she never guessed one of them would think of her as their mom. In hindsight though, it made sense. Abby was always working, and Clarke really did play the motherly role for Madi, despite being only 9 when Madi was born. Clarke would hum Madi and Charlotte to sleep, she'd make their lunches in the morning's when they started going to school, she gave them advice when she could, and she comforted them and told them when they needed to women up. Madi, even though she was only 8, she had always looked up to Clarke for as long as she could remember, and it was a bitter sweet feeling. 

Part of Clarke loved knowing that someone looked up, but it also meant she felt a serious amount of pressure about being perfect. It's one of the reasons Clarke left with her mom. She wanted Madi to know that Clarke was compassionate and selfless. What she had never told Madi, though, was that you cannot give your all to people. You have to remember to keep some of you for yourself. It was only now that Clarke realized this. She realized it was okay to do somethings for you sometimes. 

Lexa felt eyes burning into the back of her head, so she turned to see Miss Woods, Miss Forest, and Miss Rivers all staring at her. They gave her sad eyes when they caught her face, and Clarke realized she had a tear rolling down her cheek. She wiped it off with a smile on her face. Half to assure them she was okay and half because they were happy tears. She had finally made the breakthrough she should've made before she chose to move. Problem is, Clarke is too stubborn to give up on the challenge that is making it through her senior year here. 

"Wanna talk about it," Lexa nudged her gently.

"Not it, but something," Clarke admitted. Lexa nodded, asking her to continue, "I told you have siblings, yeah?" 

"Yes," Lexa said with a smile.

"Well, I kinda lied," Lexa face turned so pale, Clarke thought she'd given the poor woman a heart attack. Clarke was not aware of Lexa's strict rule of trust and always telling the truth. "They're more like my kids. Well, two of them," Clarke added with a chuckle, and Lexa turned a brighter white, if that was possible. 

"What do you mean?" Lexa asked, pushing through the uneasy feeling Clarke having kids gave her. 

"My mom is loving... When she's around," Clarke started, "I was robbed of her affection as a child, and I never wanted my younger sisters to feel that ache in their chest that comes from feeling like your mother doesn't love you," Clarke paused, feeling the pressure of a tear in her eye. She had never told anyone, not even her siblings, of her belief that her mother really didn't love her until she chose to move with her. Maybe that's why Clarke did it, hoping her mother really would love her if she was the only one she had the option to love. She chuckled bitterly at the realization, wondering if there was anything she ever actually did for other people.

"You never believed that your mother loved you?" Lexa asked, checking for understanding while simultaneously feeling like her heart was being ripped to shreds for the girl. "my mom never loved me," Lexa admitted when she saw Clarke lose interest in the conversation. Anya and Luna's head spun to her, knowing she hadn't even told Costia about her dead beat of a mother. Lexa simply shrugged at them before turning back to Clarke. "She was more in love with drugs and alcohol than me," Lexa explained simply.

"Sorry. I really have no right to claim those types of things considering I have a stable life," Clarke chuckled, suddenly feeling bad for saying her mom never loved her when Lexa's probably thought she was some sort of Monkey, constantly being to high or drunk to notice her. 

"Your feelings are valid, Clarke," Lexa said with such finality, Clarke wondered how many times she had told other students those exact words, "You cannot change what you feel. Only the circumstances that make you feel."

"You sound like my brother," Clarke rolled her eyes while chuckling. 

"It was good advice," Lexa shrugged, knowing damn well she was right. 

"It was," Clarke nodded her agreement.

"Anyway, about you being a teenage mom," Lexa prompted, smirking from ear-to-ear.

"You do know that's not what I meant, right?" Clarke checked, seriously wanting this teacher to know that biologically, she wasn't a mom. Hell, she was still a virgin for Christ's sake!

"Yes, now do continue. I'm interested on where this story goes," she smiled kindly, letting Clarke know that she really was interested in what Clarke had to say.

"The details are unimportant," Clarke waved her hand dismissively, "Let's just say I made a boo-boo." 

"That's very vague," Lexa frowned.

"My youngest sister thinks I'm her actual mom," Clarke whispered.

"Well, you kind of are," Lexa noted.

"Hmm?" Clarke hummed, genuinely confused now. 

"A mom isn't just the person who births you, Clarke," Lexa told her.

"I guess you're right," Clarke admitted.

"How'd you figure this out?" Lexa asked, wanting to know more about the young girl.

"I called my brother this morning about something, it's unimportant," she added the last bit, seeing that Lexa was already about to ask questions, "he told me that my youngest sister will only sleep with my other sister. She'll cry herself to sleep because I'm not there. My other sister hums to her like I used to to calm her down, but it only works some nights. Most she cries until she's exhausted. She wakes up screaming, screaming for her mom. She's screaming for me," Clarke's brows furrowed, fighting off the feelings she was trying desperately not to let show. Lexa looked at her, seemingly mystified by Clarke. 

"How old are they. Your siblings?" Lexa asked. 

My older brother, Wells, is 19 going on 20, Next sister, Charlotte is 14 going on 15, and my youngest sister, Madi, is 8 going on 9," Clarke explained, still fighting off her tears, so her voice came out somewhat strangled. It suddenly hit her how much she really did miss them. "Am I horrible for leaving Charlotte with the responsibility of becoming a mother to Madi so young?" I asked. 

"It was never meant to be your burden to bare in the first place," Lexa said sadly.

"I chose it," I told her, and her eyes seemed to widen. She must've realized that at the ripe old age of 9, young Clarke Griffin decided to be a mother, "I wanted her to know she was loved. I wanted her to feel it."

"You wanted her to have what you never thought you did," Lexa pieced the puzzle together. Clarke simply nodded before turning her head back out the window, needing a few moments to breath from all she just unloaded. 

"I left her the responsibility of mothering my daughter," Clarke's head snapped to Lexa with the realization, "holy shit," she chuckled bitterly, "I'm my mother." she let her head fall against the back of the seat while biting her lip to hold the tears at bay. Despite her best efforts, a tear fell, and she watched it. she allowed it. She was livid. She turned into the one person she never wanted to become. 

"Your mother's really not that bad, Clarke," Lexa tried to comfort her. 

"She guilt tripped me into abandoning the people who really cared for me," I whispered, knowing she didn't know this.

"She messaged me. Asking how you were this morning," Lexa told her, and Clarke froze.

"This bitch," Clarke muttered under her breath. 

"I'm gonna pretend you didn't just call your mother a bitch," Lexa nodded sarcastically, letting Clarke know she heard her. 

"Sorry. Forgot you're a teacher," Clarke smiled sheepishly.

"What makes her a bitch?" Lexa asked, ignoring Clarke's comment. 

"She forces me into a new environment, doesn't talk to me for a month, and then can't even directly ask me how I'm feeling," Clarke chuckled bitterly. 

"She cares," Lexa defended Abby.

"Not enough. Not when it mattered," Clarke snapped quietly, turning her head back to the window, ignoring Lexa for the next 5 hours of the bus ride. Lexa had to applaud her, she ignored Lexa the whole time, no matter how persistent and annoying she was being. Not even a "stop it", not a glance, not a word, not so much as a breath in her direction. For 5 hours. It drove Lexa crazy if she was being honest. Little did Lexa know, Clarke was going mad, especially when Lexa innocently whispered into her ear to get her attention, not know what it did to Clarke. Initially, Clarke had only planned on ignoring Lexa for a few minutes, but when Lexa started being persistent, Clarke wanted to see how long she could go without giving into the temptation that is her teacher's voice. 

When the bus finally stopped, Clarke waited while the rest of the bus left. Since she had sat with Lexa, she had to wait until Lexa got off the bus which, of course, she was supposed to get off last to make sure no one tried to hide on the bus or whatever. When they were finally allowed to leave the bus, Clarke wasted no time looking for her bags. She had brought a smaller bag of sentimental things she couldn't bring herself to part with, but it was still to big to keep on the bus with her. When she opened the trunk holding the bags. "Fuck," she practically screamed, easily gathering the attention of Lexa and Luna who had been nearby while Anya was showing people to their respective rooms in the skiing lodge. 

"Language," Luna chided Clarke quietly.

"Fuck," Clarke said, coming out as more of a strangled cry than a scream.

"Words, Clarke," Lexa pressed, still a little snappy from being ignored for 5 hours. 

"My stuff," she whispered quietly. 

"It's right there," Luna said while pointing to Clarke's bag and grabbing it. 

"There was more," she whispered sadly. 

"What was it?" Luna asked. If she knew what it was, she could get a better idea of who might have taken it. 

"Sentimental stuff," Clarke shuffled her feet on the floor, knowing it sounded pathetic. Truth is, she hadn't slept one wink of sleep without Madi's blanket, her dad's watch, Well's favorite book of quotes, and Charlotte's favorite pictures of them she had given to her older sister to remember her by. Clarke sniffled sadly before waving them off. "Whatever. It's pathetic anyway," before walking away. 

As she was walking back to the resort, she saw two boys running around her a bag. _Her_ bag. She'd recognize it anywhere. Charlotte had bought her the bag itself with the first bit of money she got with her first ever job. "Hey!" Clarke yelled. Her voice was rid of emotion, simply demanding and taking zero shit. She noticed the boy when he turned to face her, it was Raven's boyfriend. Ex boyfriend? Whatever. "Are you really pissed that I called you out on being a cheater?" I yelled, not caring who heard me. 

"Wrong answer," he smirked. "Let us see... Does someone still sleep with a blanket?" he asked while pulling it out of the bag. I bit my lip, knowing this was now the most embarrassing experience of my life. I stayed quiet. "Oh, what's this?" he pulled out the photo album, "Clarke's first day of school," he read aloud, knowing this picture was extremely embarrassing. "The day Mom and Dad split," he read out loud, no remorse for how he was outing her deepest, darkest secrets to the whole Senior class. She can admit, it was fair for him to pull the blanket bullshit or read something from the book, but all of it together? That was not fair. 

"Goodbye," He whispered, tracing over a picture she knows from memory is of Charlotte, Madi, and her crying while holding onto each other for dear life. He wordlessly and lazily tossed the book into a river nearby. Without thinking, Clarke sprinted into the river, forgetting she can't swim. She grabbed the notebook before feeling the chill of the water hit her bones. Her whole body vibrated from the cold, but she kept a death grip on the book. She really didn't think today could get much worse... until it did. She felt herself running out of air, but her clothes and shoes were pulling her further into the depths of the fairly shallow lake. 

Lexa had seen part of the scene play out. She saw that sadness, fear, and pain written all over Clarke's face before, and especially after, the boy, Finn, tossed her book into the river. She also watched as milliseconds later, Clarke plunged into the water after her book. Everyone gasped, knowing that the water is colder than a witches tit out here, despite not being frozen over. When Lexa never saw Clarke resurface, she dove into the water as well. She had seen Luna and Anya about to make the same decision as well; she just made faster. 

When she got in the water, she easily found Clarke who was steadily sinking to the bottom of the river. It was only about 10-15 feet deep, but it was still pretty far to the both of them. Clarke started flailing around when she felt something grab her, but was calmed when she felt two reassuring hands on her wrists. Someone had jumped in to help her? She allowed the person to drag her back to shore. She was conscious, but she felt her brain hurting from the lack of oxygen. 

By the time Lexa broke the surface with Clarke, Clarke had gone unconscious, though she was still gripping the drenched, probably ruined, photo album with her hand like a lifeline. Lexa dragged Clarke onto shore as Anya and Luna wrapped Lexa in a blanket while placing one of Clarke was well. Lexa was fully prepared to do CPR, and seeing as she was the only one who had any idea how to do it, she began. She had heard Clarke take a breath of water just before breaching the surface. Realistically, she knew the correct call was mouth-to-mouth, but she didn't think she should do that to a student, especially one she has been having some sort of feelings towards. Lexa began doing CPR, and she couldn't help but think of when she almost lost Costia just before she really did lose her. Luna and Anya seemed to come to the same conclusion. It was obvious they wanted to trade places with their sister, but neither of them knew how to do CPR. 

"God dammit!" Lexa exclaimed. CPR wasn't working which means she had to perform mouth-to-mouth or Clarke could die. 

"What the fuck, Lexa!" Anya yelled, forgetting they were surrounded by students. She smiled at them apologetically before returning her attention to her sister and her student. 

"Is she?" the Finn boy trailed off. 

"For your sake, you better hope not," Anya hissed, showing her rare momma bear side. 

"She needs mouth-to-mouth," Lexa muttered so only Anya and Luna could hear her. 

"What the hell are you waiting for then?" Luna exclaimed.

"She's a student," Lexa hissed. 

"You and your damned morals. You're supposed to be saving her life idiot," Anya flicked her in the head while waiting for Lexa to get the damn deed done. She had considered doing it for Lexa, but she was unsure how Clarke would feel about finding out Anya had been the one to do it. She was much closer to Lexa and probably would've preferred someone she knew did it, if anyone. 

Finally growing a pair, Lexa opened Clarke's mouth and blew air into her lungs before performing CPR for a few seconds, and doing mouth-to-mouth again. It took about three times of going back and forth for Clarke to spit and cough out whatever what she had breathed in. "Fuck," Clarke muttered. 

"Not the first thing I expected to come out of your mouth," Lexa sighed as though she expecting anything different.

"Thanks for not letting me die," Clarke said honestly. 

"You need to go to a hospital," Lexa said.

"Absolutely not," Clarke said with finality.

"You could have brain damage. You were gone for a full minute," Lexa pointed out. 

"No hospitals," Clarke hissed. She had always hated them. She blamed them for taking her mother away from her. Now, it was childish to keep such thoughts, but she couldn't help it.

"At least let someone keep an eye on you," Lexa said, giving into Clarke's pleas for no hospital. She really was going to lose her job for this girl. 

"Lexa," Luna hissed at her 

"You don't know how to swim," Lexa noted, and Clarke nodded, "are you afraid of the water?" Clarke shuffled her feet on the ground before nodding and picking up her photo album. 

"Fuck! It's ruined," She whimpered quietly while flipping through the soaked pages. 

"It's not ruined," she assured Clarke.

"Miss Woods," she said somewhat politely, though her tone held sarcasm, "It's more soaked than our clothes."

That was a bad choice of analogy because now they're both looking each other up and down, inspecting each other from a distance. Clarke was happy to find that she had been right, Miss Woods did indeed have abs. Nice ones too. Anya coughed subtly and Clarke stood up with the book. "The memories aren't ruined, Clarke," Lexa said while brushing herself off, "only the book." she smiled and turned on her heal to walk into her room. Clarke turned to Anya and Luna, asking what room she was in. They told her to go to room 409 where she'd be sharing with two other girls. 

Clarke nodded her thanks before following their instructions on where to go. She entered the room with the key card she was giving. She looked around and groaned when she recognized one of the girls she recognized.

She drawled, "Raven."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is longer than the last one, but I can't promise they'll always be this long or short. I try to keep the word count roughly the same, but sometimes it's hard to find a good spot to end one part of the story and start the next. 
> 
> P.S. That took a way weird turn at the end huh? The water fiasco. Was somewhat planned, but not really. How do you think the girls will feel about each other tomorrow? Does Clarke know Lexa gave her mouth to mouth? Is she okay with it? O_O


	3. The Angel and The Cougar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke tries to open up more and receives a surprise call from one of the Griffin Girls. I'm also noticing that I suck at chapter summaries -_-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little piece of information for y'all, I HATE when stories progress to fast. It makes me so angry because it's unrealistic. However, I always feel hypocritical because then I end up writing stories where the story goes so quickly. It's literally chapter three and Clarke as already almost died. Anyway, I'm just a little frustrated with myself. Point being, if you're anything like me and hate when writers progress their stories too quickly, I promise I'm trying to fix it ahaha!

“Raven.”

“Hey, O, come look at what the cat dragged in!” Raven yelled into the bathroom of the small room.

“Please tell me this is not your room,” she practically begged while dripping water wherever she walked.

“It is, but more importantly, why do you look like a drowned rat?” her tone was both sarcastic and concerned.

“Long story,” Clarke huffed while walking towards the bathroom,

“Please hurry, I’m freezing my tits off!”

“She has a sense of humor!” the girl in the bathroom exclaimed.

“Ha ha,” Clarke fake laughed.

“You’re seriously not going to tell us why you’re soaked to the bone?” Raven asked from the couch.

“I jumped in the water,” Clarke said vaguely.

“That was you?” she exclaimed.

“Yeah,” she nodded sheepishly. Not her brightest moment.

“I heard Miss Woods saved you,” she raised her eyes suggestively.

“Yeah,” Clarke confirmed matter-of-factly.

“Damn. Lucky you,” the girl in the bathroom finally exited.

“Thank God,” Clarke exclaimed while rushing in and turning on the hot water.

“She’s… strange,” the girl from the bathroom said while sitting next to Raven.

Raven had to agree, the new girl was strange, but she was also intriguing. Raven constantly wonders why the girl stepped in between her and her boyfriend, but refused her friendship and offer to help. Now, here she still seems closed off, but she’s definitely not as rude.

“You’re strange too, O, don’t be judgy,” Raven chuckled.

“Touche,” Octavia nodded.

\-------------------

Lexa hadn’t stopped pacing her room since she got there. The second Clarke walked away, Lexa had made a break for her shared room with her sisters, but not before grabbing the bag of stuff Clarke had abandoned in her hurry to get away. Her brain was clouded with thoughts of Cosita, and how she had just almost lost a student. She had never had this kind of experience before, especially because this was only her second year teaching. Not to mention, the fact that she had put her mouth on another student’s knowing that she felt something for her made her feel disgusting. She was disgusted with herself, even though she saved a young girl’s life.

“Lexa, stop pacing,” Luna sighed.

Anya subtly elbowed Luna in the side, knowing her sister had a lot going on in her mind. Of course, Luna knew this too, she just needed her sister to stop pacing, so they could have an actual conversation.

“She almost died,” Lexa said with widened eyes. It had been the first time the realization truly hit her. No more blonde hair and blue eyes. No one challenged her to break down their walls. No one who would ignore her for hours simply to prove a point. There simply was no one like Clarke.

This realization scared Lexa. She had never felt these kinds of emotions before. She had never felt the depth of death, not until Costia died, and even then it was not the same. She had never had these thoughts of the things she’d miss about someone, never. When Costia had almost died, she had, not once, thought about all the things she’d miss relating to Costia. She hadn’t thought she’d miss Costia’s smile, or the warmth she brought Lexa. Those things only crossed her mind once it was too late. This being said, Lexa begins to wonder how true the sentiment of not knowing how much you need or want something until you don’t have it anymore is. Is it true that you cannot understand something’s value to you until it is gone? Can you truly never know the loss you will feel from someone’s absence until they’re absent because Lexa swears she’s feeling the absence of someone she never lost.

“You saved her,” Anya assured her, “had you not been here, she would be dead.” It was a sad realization for Lexa, but it was just that. Real. She had, again, saved the life of someone valuable to her.

She wasn’t sure when Clarke became valuable to her. Maybe it was the day Clarke had been testy, telling her that she did not make promises she couldn’t keep. Lexa had respected that, and maybe that’s why Lexa sees her as valuable. Maybe it was earlier when Lexa learned that Clarke had taken on the mothering role at age 9. She had chosen to give her sisters the life she never had just as Clarke had chosen to sacrifice her happiness for her mother, who she believes doesn’t love her. Despite feeling unloved, she sacrificed her happiness, her well-being, for the woman who gave her a chance at life. Or maybe, Lexa realized, she had felt that she was valuable to Clarke. She wanted to offer her, any bit of her, to Clarke if it would help the young girl. She had never felt this way about or towards anyone, especially not a student. Not even Anya and Luna knew everything about her, but she wants to tell it all to a student she met 1 month ago.

“She jumped into the water for an already ruined book. She’s an idiot,” Luna pointed out, and Anya flicked her in the head for not filtering herself.

“If you knew what I knew, you’d get it,” Lexa said sadly, being the only one knowing the absence Clarke felt of her siblings.

“You don’t have to rub it in,” Anya huffed, referring to the fact that Clarke had opened up to Lexa and not them. Of course, they had expected nothing less, everyone seemed to magically trust Lexa. However, they had all tried to be friendly and open to try and help the girl settle in.

Lexa stuck her tongue out childishly and sat down between Luna and Anya. She slumped down and sighed while wiping her face with her hands.

“Are we gonna ignore the elephant in the room?” Luna asked, obviously feeling impatient about the lack of talk about the subject.

“Costia?” Lexa huffed in question. The name still hurt to come out of her mouth, but it was bearable. It had stung less and less the more she said it, but she knew the pain of the ordeal would never quite leave her. Not until she relieved herself of her guilt, and she knew that would never happen.

“Yes,” Luna sighed.

“Yes, it reminded me of her. Yes, I’m okay. No, I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” Lexa summed up, and Luna nodded, seemingly happy with the answers she got.

“You’re two for two,” Anya smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

“One for two,” Lexa corrected, “I didn’t save Costia.”

“You did the first time,” Luna pointed out.

“First time,” Lexa chuckled bitterly before getting up and walking to her bed and closing her eyes, signaling that she was done talking about the topic.

The day had weighed heavily for Lexa, and she was ready to just let sleep embrace her, despite it only being 12:30 in the afternoon.

\------------------

"Care to tell us about this whole 'jumping into a freezing cold lake' fiasco?" Octavia asked Clarke when she re-entered the room, cleaned and dry.

"That boy you were talking to on the first day of school," Clarke directed the statement at Raven who nodded, knowing who Clarke was referring to, "he's an ass. I hope you broke his pitiful heart."

Clarke purposefully stayed vague. She wanted to open up, truthfully, but part of her kept screaming that would make her a burden. No one needed to know the struggles was facing other than Clarke. It was bad enough that she had already unloaded all her trauma onto a teacher. A teacher that she happened to find oddly attractive. A teacher who saved her life. A teacher who's probably much older than her. She subtly shook her head to clear it before returning her attention to the conversation at hand. 

"What did he do?" Raven asked while rolling her eyes, obviously expecting this kind of behavior from him. 

"He took my personal things," she seethed. 

He had publicly embarrassed her in front of the whole senior class. Not to mention, she then proceeded to drown herself in front of that same class of people. If she wasn't weird or stupid before, she definitely was now. "That asshat!" Octavia exclaimed.

Octavia had always been a stickler for respecting people's person information. Hearing that her best friend's ex-boyfriend would do something so horrible to a girl obviously already struggling, made her want to strangle him more than she had previously, despite not knowing the girl. 

"He also embarrassed me in front of the entire Senior class," she inhaled sharply between her teeth while laying down on her bed, suddenly aware of the sharp aching in her body from the vents of the day. 

Raven and Octavia both muttered curses under their breath, feeling horrible for what this girl has already gone through. They shared a few classes with her and were well aware of her tendencies to cry through her school work. However, other than that, they knew nothing of her. 

"Hey," Octavia said kindly. She stretched out a hand, thinking about putting it on Clarke's before deciding against it, "I know we're a little pushy sometimes, but you can open up to us. Raven has a great sense of humor, and she can make any situation a million times better," she grinned widely at her long-time best friend.

"I guess O's okay too," Raven admitted as if it hurt her, "she's good with consoling people and she's definitely more considerate."

Clarke chuckled at the obvious banter between the two girls. It brought an aching to her heart, seeing two people so close. It reminded her slightly of the family she left behind, but it also brought a sweet feeling to her heart, as if it had instantaneously filled the cracks in it. "I'm sorry I was an ass on the first day. I... I had a lot going on," she admitted sheepishly while rubbing her neck. 

"It's okay. I get it. You seemed like the type of girl with walls built to the height of skyscrapers," Raven joked cautiously, hoping she didn't offend the girl. She smiled proudly when the blonde offered her a giggle of appreciation. Raven really did had a knack for diffusing awkward conversations, or even just lightening the mood. 

"I know you just met us, but if the whole senior class saw what happened, it's bound to be circulating around the skiing camp. We're going to hear the full story, but I want to hear it from you. Everyone here is so dramatic," Octavia explained while exhaling her own dramatic sigh and plopping onto her designated bed. 

"Seriously! The girls here could hear that someone went to the hospital for the flu and convince you that they died overnight," she chuckled, again trying to lighten the serious mood.

Clarke had to admit, the girls made a perfect duo. Octavia was considerate and well-worded while Raven was snarky and funny. They complimented each other perfectly. Clarke had initially decided not to tell these girls anything, but they had made their way through her mile-high walls she had worked on building for a month now. Plus, she did want them to hear the story from her and not anyone else. 

"I- You'll laugh at me," she lowered her head.

"Start with the basics then. You've still neglected to tell us your name," Raven pointed out with a smile.

Of course, Clarke knew that Raven knew her name. This was the girl's way of offering her the chance to start over. It also made it easier for Clarke to tell her story. "Sorry," Clarke chuckled in discomfort, "I'm Clarke Griffin."

"Griffin," Raven nodded casually, "cool last name."

"Clarke is neat too," Octavia mumbled under her breath as if her friend had just forgotten her bosses name at an important meeting and needed to be reminded. 

"Yeah. It is," she agreed allowed with an over dramatic nod, trying desperately to keep this girl engaged in their conversation so she wouldn't shut them out. 

"So, Clarke," Octavia prompted, "do you have siblings?"

"Yeah," she smiled nostalgically, "do you guys?"

"I have an older brother named Bellamy. He's off in the Army though," Octavia revealed sadly.

"I'm an only child, but O's like a sister to me," she announced while wrapping a protective arm around her friend's shoulder. 

"That's sweet," Clarke smiled warmly at the two. 

"How many siblings do you have?" Raven asked curiously. 

"Three," Clarke answered.

"Damn. Tell us a bit?" Octavia asked promptly.

Clarke though for a while before nodding her head. She had wanted to talk about her siblings in all honesty. It reminded her that she'd always have them with her, though maybe not physically. "I have an older brother too. We've been inseparable... for a while," she paused, hoping they hadn't picked up on her slip. It was obvious they had, but they didn't push her on it, and she appreciated it. "I also have two younger sisters, though, it gets a little messy," Clarke admitted while rubbing her back sheepishly. 

"You don't have to tell us everything right now," Octavia assured her, "we just want to get to know you."

"I just... You're gonna hear some weird things from everyone else. Just... know it's taken out of context," Clarke said seriously, not wanting the people she just opened up to to turn their backs on her when she heard of the whole ordeal. It was then that she remembered she had never grabbed her back of things. The boy had lazily tossed it on the ground when she sprinted to the river, and she forget to grab it. "Shit," she mumbled. 

"What?" they asked.

"I forgot my stuff. I'm gonna go find it," she announced it while walking to the door. She paused in the doorway before turning to face the two girls she was sharing a room with, "Thank you. Really." She offered a warm smile which was easily returned before exiting the room in search of her bag.

Clarke had spent around an hour searching the area for her bag. Everyone had left already, hoping to get some skiing or partying in as soon as possible. She had come up empty handed, so she decided to ask the teachers if they knew what happened to it. Every student had been informed of the room the teachers would be in, so it wasn't hard for her to find them. Clarke knocked hesitantly on the door before it was opened by Miss Forest. "You shouldn't be up and walking around," she chided through the crack in the door.

"Sorry. I forgot my bag at the river," she shuffled her feet around anxiously, suddenly aware of how strange this is. 

"Oh, yeah. Miss Woods grabbed it when she noticed you left it," Anya nodded while putting a finger up at Clarke, signaling for her to stay put while she retrieved that bag. 

Soon enough, she returned with it and a binder she noticed she had not brought. "What's that," Clarke pointed to it. 

"I didn't mean to pry," she apologized, "but I had noticed how devastated you were by your book being destroyed. You dropped it somewhere along the walk back to your room, so I retrieved it. I salvaged what pictures I could and the words written with them. I truly am sorry for prying." Miss Forest's profuse apologizing made Clarke burst with happiness. A teacher had done something so kind for her if for no other reason that to help Clarke. 

"Thank you," she whispered while flipping through the book. She exhaled a sigh of relief when she found that her favorite photos had been salvageable. "Thank you," Clarke repeated more earnestly, almost in tears from the teacher's kindness. 

"No problem," the teacher smiled warmly at Clarke. "Now please, go back to your room and stay their for the rest of the day. Don't go out and be too crazy," Miss Forest scolded, seriously worried for the young girl's well-being. 

"I will, Miss Forest. Have a good day. Oh, and thank Miss Woods for me again. I owe her a lot," Clarke grinned at the teacher before turning on her heel to walk back to her room. 

When she arrived in her room, she placed the bag on her bed. She had been surprised that, despite their curious eyes, Raven and Octavia didn't press Clarke for answers. She took a seat on her bed when she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She pulled it out and smiled fondly when she saw "Geeky Gremlin" appear on her screen. That had become her nickname for Charlotte because she was always too obsessed with anything she did. The gremlin part was simply because Charlotte has always been referred to as a gremlin by the family. Clarke assumed it was for her mischievousness. She wasted no time answering the call and switching it to video. 

"Clarke!" Charlotte screamed, getting the attention of her roommates who looked at her quizzically. She offered them a shy smile as an apology, and they both put ear buds in, both connected to Octavia's phone, while they scrolled through social media and what not, offering Clarke some privacy. 

"Where's my baby?" Clarke asked, referring to Madi. 

"Um, rude," Charlotte scoffed before pointing the camera towards a sleeping Madi. 

"She's gonna be mad that you're talking to me without her," Clarke pointed out.

"Sorry, Mom, didn't know you were a stickler for fair," she said teasingly. 

"Don't be an ass," she rolled her eyes. 

"Language!" she gasped in faux surprise. 

Clarke just shook her head with an amused smile on her face.

"Good news!" Charlotte exclaimed when it was quiet for too long, "we're coming to visit for the rest of the week!"

Clarke opened and closed her mouth, not being able to form words. "There's school."

"No there's not, Dork. It's Christmas break! We have a full two weeks together!" Charlotte exclaimed happily. 

Clarke smiled so widely she thought her face was gonna fall off. "Miss me much?" Charlotte smirked cockily. 

"Not you, idiot," Clarke said sternly, though the amusement betrayed her. 

"Mhm, don't worry Mother Goose, we miss you too," she smiled. 

The nickname "Mother Goose" had been Clarke's honorary title since Charlotte could speak. From a young age, Charlotte had refused to call her Clarke, and eventually settled on "Goose" which turned into "Mother Goose" when she realized Clarke was more of a mother to her than their real mom. 

"I have to go. I'm on a trip for school right now and the reception is bad, but I'll see you when I get back," Clarke smiled before realizing something, "Shouldn't you be in school?"

"Nope. We're on our way to Arkadia today, so I'm off," Charlotte smiled, enjoying the fact that she had been robbed of the information that her family would be visiting. 

"Mom is so dead," Clarke hissed under her breath. 

"She said something about you wanting to go out and 'make friends'," Charlotte put air quotes around "make friends" for emphasis on how stupid the term was. 

"Can you keep a secret?" Clarke asked.

"Of course," she visibly leaned into the camera, showing her interest in the topic. 

"I almost died today," she whispered under her breath. 

"Clarke!" she shouted, voice coated in fear. She hadn't intended to scare her sister, she really just wanted to tell her about her crazy day, month even. 

"Clarke?" a groggy voice asked in the background. 

"Baby!" Clarke exclaimed when she recognized Madi's voice. 

Clarke had taken to calling Madi "Baby" when she was still an infant. It had taken her parents almost two weeks to pick a name for her, and they had been told to refer to her as "baby" until they found a name. Clarke is really the only one who still uses the term, finding that is fits the young brunette better. 

"Is that a little kid I hear?" Octavia squealed when she couldn't help but eavesdrop. 

"Yes," Clarke chuckled, hesitantly inviting the girl to join her and see her family. It was strange for her to open up this much and this fast, but she felt she really could trust the two girls in this room. 

"Clarkie," Madi cooed into the phone with a cheesy smile. 

"Hey, baby," she cooed back, smiling at the younger girl. Raven and Octavia stared at her in confusion but made no attempts to pry.

"I really wish you'd let that name die," she chuckled, though it was obvious she enjoyed hearing the term come from her dedicated mom. 

"Nevaahhh!" Clarke exclaimed, causing the girls in the room with her to laugh and make their presence known.

"Did Clarke Griffin actually make friends?" Charlotte teased. 

"Yes, she did," Raven defended Clarke while looking to the blonde for confirmation. She smiled fondly at the girl before returning her attention back to her sisters.

"Okay. I really do have to go now. Bye Baby. Bye Gremlin," she spoke into the phone. 

"Bye Goose," the yelled into the phone, hurting Clarke's brain, before hanging up the call.

"Okay," Octavia prompted while smiling widely, "that was adorable."

"Are those your younger sisters?" Raven asked. 

"Yeah. The youngest is Madi, the older one is Charlotte," she explained. 

"How old is the youngest?" Octavia asked. 

"8, almost 9. They grow up so fast," Clarke wiped away a fake tear. 

"Why the nicknames, if you don't mind me asking," Octavia questioned.

"Well, I'm Goose, short for Mother Goose. Charlotte is Gremlin, short for Geeky Gremlin, and Madi is Baby, because, well, she's the baby of the family," Clarke explained with a fond smile on her face. 

"Why 'Mother Goose'?" Raven asked. 

"Well... I... My mom was never really home, so when they were born, I mothered them," Clarke explained. It felt good telling her story to more people.

"Wow," Octavia and Raven both whispered, seeming blown away.

\----------------------------

Lexa woke up around 5:30pm when Anya had informed her that they had to go to the dinning hall to eat with the students. Lexa groggily got up and took a quick shower to wake herself up before putting on some better clothes and leaving the room with Anya and Luna. 

Upon entering the eating room, Lexa was happy to find that Clarke was sitting with Raven Reyes and Octavia Blake. They were good girls, hence why the trio of teachers made sure they were roommates on the trip. She was also both happy and surprised to see Clarke smiling and even laughing with them. She smiled at the girl, genuinely happy for her, before making her way to the buffet of food available for everyone.

However, she wasn't oblivious to the whispers going on around the room. She had heard people mentioning the she and Clarke had a thing, multiple times, and it made her blood boil. Of course, she expected nothing less from the Seniors, especially the girls, but she had hoped they'd just leave it be and respect the fact that this was probably the worst day of her life. She also, unfortunately, noticed that the guys were still talking about how Clarke supposedly sleeps with a blanket or about the things written in the photo album. 

She was going to do something before Anya stepped forward, noticing the look on her sister's face. "I urge you all to focus on your meals and not the events of earlier in the day," she scolded while looking into the souls of every student, skimming over Clarke and her group, "Anyone found to be mentioning the events of earlier today will receive a 3 day in school suspension upon our return to the school."

"Enjoy your meals," Lexa added in kindly before continuing to get their food. 

"I hate working with high schoolers sometimes," Luna huffed,

"We weren't this bad, right? Please tell me we were not this bad," Lexa sighed, about done with the rumors that could potentially ruin her job before it had even taken off while rubbing her forehead to release some tension from her muscles. 

"I don't remember being this bad," Anya remarked while feeling her plate with Mac N' Cheese and chicken. 

"I'm going to lose my job," Lexa sighed when they sat down, digging into the steak she had grabbed at the buffet, looking for whatever solace she could find in the food. 

"You won't lose your job, Lexa. All you did was save a student," Luna explained, feeling like her sister was being a little dramatic. 

"Luna, you know how convincing they are. They could make you question your own history with the things they say. Surely, they could convince the school that I'm a cougar or some shit," Lexa huffed, trying to get her point across. This was a _big_ deal.

"I hear ya, but Clarke will vouch that you saved her, and it was strictly for that reason. Her mom will back you as well if she hears from Clarke that you saved her life," Luna pointed out. 

"Fair, but I still feel... Weird," Lexa admitted while taking another defeated bite of her steak. 

"Understandable. You had your mouth on another students mouth for a solid minute," Luna pointed out, causing Anya to kick her aggressively under the table for her lack of a filter. Luna shot her a curious glance before exhaling and adding, "For life saving purposes." She paused for awhile, seeing the obvious discomfort on Lexa's face. "Right?" she asked, suddenly worried for her friend.

Luna had suspected that Lexa had a bigger connection with Clarke than most of her students. Luna also knew that her friend was known for falling far and fast. However, she also knew that Lexa had morals, and was very serious about them. She also was very strict about her job, never wanting to put it in jeopardy in any way if it was avoidable. Though, she admitted that Clarke was physically attractive. she's a pretty girl, and Luna would not be surprised if her friend had accidentally fallen for the student. She simply hoped her sister was able to keep her feelings to herself and stick to her morals and general professionalism. 

"Yes, of course!" Lexa exclaimed under her breath, out raged that her sister would suggest such a thing. truth is, Lexa had wondered this as well. She knew she'd never pursue something with Clarke. she was a student and Lexa was her teacher. It's as simple as that, but she can still admit that the girl was attractive, in every sense of the word. 

Anya, again, kicked Luna under the table, and she finally found her censor while rubbing at her injured shin. The rest of the meal was spent eating in silence, only conversing with the confines of their minds. 

When the meal was finished, the teachers informed the students that they were having a mandatory bond fire. It had been planned on the schools sheet of things to do on the weekend trip. Everyone groaned, probably just wanting to sleep after a long day out partying or skiing. Lexa felt for them, she just wanted more sleep. She was pretty sure she contracted a mild cold of sorts, and she wondered how Clarke was handling the affects of, literally, being dead for a full minute. 

She glanced at the girl, who had been one of the first people to the fire with Octavia and Raven, and was happy to find that the girl looked completely fine. That was, until she stumbled. It was subtle, but Lexa noticed it because she was paying attention. Clarke was quick to regain her composure, but she seemed scared by what had happened, obviously not expecting her body to betray her in such a way. Lexa was quick to pull her phone out and type a message to Clarke's mother, informing her of what had happened. She realized that in her haste to get some rest and warm up, she had not reported the incident to the school or Mrs. Griffin. Anya had said she informed the school, but she left Clarke's mom up to Lexa since Lexa had been the one to save her. 

_Dear Mrs. Griffin,_

_The school has already been informed, but I wanted to tell you personally that there was an incident involving Clarke this morning-_

The rest of the email was a detailed speech of the events, starting with them stepping off the bus and ending with Clarke walking back to her room. She had apologized profusely for not sending her to a doctor, but she informed the woman that she hadn't wanted to stress Clarke out more than necessary while also assuring her that she had been keeping tabs on the woman's daughter. Once she read over it, confirming that she had not left out a single detail, she sent it and reimbursed herself in the conversation going on around the campfire. 

\--------------------------

"No way!" Clarke exclaimed while shoving Octavia playfully. She had not expected to click with the duo this fast, but she already felt like she had known them her whole life, "I've had enough embarrassment for one day."

"Come on, Clarke," Raven pleaded, "You can't tell us you're an amazing singer and not prove it!"

"I'd need music," she bit her lip. 

"Who here has a guitar?" Raven shouted, no shame. 

A few people reached for cases that they had had the wits to bring. Raven pointed to the person sitting closest to her and Clarke while signaling for the scrawny boy to sit next to Clarke. He had been hesitant, obviously wary of the new girl, but when Raven and Octavia shot him irritated looks, he settled down and prepared himself for a song suggestion. 

By now, Clarke was feeling, and noticing, everyone's eyes on her. She had never had stage fright, but she barely knew this people. They already judged her endlessly, and if she ruined this right now, she'd be ruined for the remainder of her high school years. However, if she managed to do good, she might end up with a little more of a decent reputation around here. Clarke had thought long and hard about the song she wanted in this time, and she eventually decided on a song she strongly related to. She was wary of sharing such a part of her with the whole of her grade, but in the end, she decided that they knew worse things about her already. 

"Do you know the song 'When You Love Someone,' by James TW?" Clarke asked the guitarist she chose, and he nodded, surprised by the girls choice of song. She looked up and took a deep breath, preparing what would basically be the make or break of her high school career. She skimmed the crowed of people, surprised to still have everyone's eyes on her, when she found the familiar green eyes of a certain teacher. She smiled fondly at the teacher before turning her attention back to the music. 

As the guitarist began to play, Clarke tapped her foot in rhythm with the music, trying to find when she's meant to come in. People had been chattering about her, expressing how they felt she was going to choke on her words and fail miserably, but she tuned them out, only hearing the music and the thumping of her foot and heart. 

When she finally broke into song, people around her silenced. Her voice was gorgeous, enticing, angelic, the kind of voice you could listen to for hours. Clarke was pained by the song, it was one she had sang for Madi they day the learned of the split. She had been confused as to why "Abby was moving away from Daddy." It had broke Clarke's heart, and this was the best way she could explain it. You could tell there was a story behind the song for Clarke, as well. She sang with such emotion and sureness that it was hard not to get lost in it's depths. It was the type of voice that could both soothe you into sleep and keep you awake for hours, wanting to hear more. 

When the song finally came to a close, she wiped a stray tear from her eye and diverted her eyes from her peers. When she faced Raven and Octavia, she saw them in tears. She looked around at the rest of the Seniors, seeing most of them were in similar states. Even the teachers had tears in their eyes. Clarke smiled and shrugged bashfully before looking down at her shuffling feet. 

Everyone was speechless from her performance, and it took people a full 2 minutes before they went back to talking in their circles of people. Clarke had excused herself, knowing the teachers would let her go if she plead the "I drowned a few hours ago" card. Really, she just wanted to be in a bed surrounded by the items of her siblings. She was feeling more cut off from them now than ever, and she had seriously wished she had stayed home so she could've just been with them instead of her peers. 

When Clarke had finally settled down in her bed, Madi's blanket securely tucked under the main one, there was a knock on the door. She knew it was not Octavia or Raven as she had told them they wouldn't be able to get away with leaving early, as well as the rest of the students. "Uhh. Come in?" Clarke invited them in, curious as to who wanted her attention. 

"Hey," one of her favorite voices whispered into the room. 

"Hi," she smiled back while laying down tiredly on the bed. 

"You shouldn't sleep," Lexa had scolded. 

"I'm so tired," she groaned sadly. 

"I know," she sounded apologetic," but if you fall asleep, you might not wake up."

With that, Clarke sprung up, blanket flying off of her, revealing her younger sisters baby blanket. "Uhh," she blinked at the item as if it just offended her by making its presence known. 

"Remember what I said, no judgement here," she shrugged. 

Clarke searched the older woman's eyes, looking for any traces of lies or deception, but one found sympathy and sincerity. She smiled at the teacher before repositioning herself so she could sit up in the bed. "You sure I can't just sleep for a few hours?" She asked, feeling her eyes roll into the back of her head with exhaustion. She hadn't slept well the previous night, and she had an eventful day. Sleep seemed like it was owed to her. 

"I suppose you can sleep until the camp fire is over. I'll return then to wake you, and after that, you'll have to stay awake. You should be good to sleep by 9am," Lexa agreed while checking her watch.

"Thank you," she said sincerely while laying down and closing her eyes, cuddling into her little sister's blanket. 

Lexa couldn't help but smile at the young student before taking her leave from the girl's room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is pretty long, so I hope you enjoyed the extra content -at least, I think it's extra-. Anywho, I just want to make it clear, me referring to Lexa as a cougar is because that's how she feels about HERSELF. I actually strongly dislike the term because I feel it's somewhat belittling, but I also really hate using the word "pedophile" so cougar it is. Also, I mean cougar as in like... predator... not the actual "definition" of a cougar. Anyway, leave some feedback <3


	4. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke gets sick and is sent home to finally reconnect with her siblings!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. Just to be warned, I seriously keep confusing where I said Clarke was from and where she moved to. I know she moved to Arkadia, but I can't remember if I said she was from D.C. or Polis. Or maybe I said she moved to Polis at some point? I have no clue. Anyway, if I mess that up, just know that, generally, she moved from Maryland (D.C. area) to Northern California. Also, if I said she was from Polis at some point, I think she should actually be from D.C. because Polis is just... It's Lexa's home :(
> 
> Thank you for reading this somewhat long-winded note ahaha

Lexa had spent the rest of the bonfire with her sisters and students. They had talked, mostly, about Luna’s hilarious failure of a love life and Anya’s struggles as an aspiring chef. Anya and Luna had silently agreed not to bring up anything involving Lexa’s personal life, not wanting to upset the young adult any further after her eventful day.   
  
When the fire died out, Anya freed the students from the mandatory fire while she approached Raven and Octavia. “Hello girls,” she said to get their attention.  
  
“Oh, Miss W,” Raven said smugly, like she usually did.

Lexa ignored the girls antics before finally asking the question she had been meaning to ask, “when you girls get back, would you make sure Clarke is awake and stays awake?”

“Of Course, Miss Woods,” Octavia said, sounding more trustworthy.

“Thank you girls. Have a nice night,” she smiled at them before returning to her room, ready to finally get some sleep. 

When Lexa returned to her room, Anya and Luna were already relaxing in bed. They all ignored each other, tired from the day's events, so Lexa laid down in her bed and drifted into sleep. 

Hours later, she woke to frantic yelling in her room. It did not sound like her sisters, so she had sprung up to see what the commotion was about. She was surprised to find a terrified-looking brunette pacing her room while yelling at Anya in her fear. 

Lexa also noted that it was still dark out, and she couldn’t wonder what the hell could be so wrong at such early hours of the day. “What’s wrong, Raven?” she finally spoke up. The girl had been so busy freaking out that she had barely managed to get her point across to the confused teachers. 

“Clarke… I- she-” she stuttered, scaring the green-eyed brunette even more.

“Spit it out, Raven,” Anya snapped.

“She won’t stop throwing up,” she scrunched her nose up in distaste. 

Anya and Luna shot Lexa an annoyed look, remembering how she had convinced them not to go to the hospital. To be fair though, Lexa had also said that because the nearest hospital was two hours away, and the busses had left. They had no way to get to one without calling a cab, and even then, it would take two hours to get there.

Lexa ignored their looks and made her way out the door, keeping on a calm facade while following the scared, younger girl to her room with Clarke. “Octavia stayed to help her. You know, hold her hair and make her drink water,” Raven informed Lexa, mostly rambling through her nerves. 

“Good,” Lexa noted. She had very little medical knowledge, but because of her reckless teenage and college years, she knew enough. Truthfully, although the experience was all around horrible, it taught her a lot that she probably wouldn’t have learned otherwise.

When they finally entered the room, the first thing Lexa heard was crying. It sounded like two voices, and she assumed that meant that both Octavia and Clarke were responsible for the noise. She made her way into the small bathroom each room had and gasped audibly when she saw the scene laid out before her.

Clarke was leaning back against Octavia who was leaning against the wall. They sat in front of the toilet, probably in case Clarke had to throw up spontaneously. Clarke had her head against Octavia’s shoulder, both crying out apologies and her pain. Octavia was crying, seeming to hate seeing her new friend in such anguish.

“How long since she stopped?” Lexa directed her question at Octavia, figuring Clarke was still in no state to give answers.

“About 5 minutes, but she told me she still feels nauseous, hence still sitting on the floor,” she answered.   
  
“And she drank water?” Lexa questioned further, trying to figure out if she should call someone to get them a ride to the nearest hospital.

“Yeah, but I think she might’ve thrown it all up,” Octavia said sadly while Clarke continued sniffling, trying to pull herself together.

“Do you want to go to the hospital?” Lexa asked, this time directing the question at Clarke. She was sure the blonde knew her body well enough to know if this was something that needed to be looked into. 

Rather than speaking, Clarke simply shook her head, exhaling loudly while leaning further into Octavia. “If this continues, come get me again,” Lexa told the two teenagers before leaving. 

Despite not being a doctor, Lexa was sure Clarke was fine. She figured throwing up was common after drowning incidents because they had swallowed the debris and bacteria in the water when inhaling or struggling to breach the water. 

\----------------------  
“God, that was so embarrassing,” Clarke choked out to Octavia, throat burning from throwing up for the past 20 minutes. 

“It wasn’t that bad,” Octavia assured her while offering her some of the water in the room with them.

“Thanks for this,” Clarke said, obviously feeling bad for scaring her new friends so soon.

“No problem. It’s girl code, right?” she chuckled while taking the water back from Clarke after she took a small sip. 

“Still, you could’ve left me to suffer in a puddle of my own vomit,” Clarke laughed lightly. 

“You’re welcome, then,” Octavia nodded, not wanting to argue with the suffering blonde. 

“Who knew drowning was so exhausting,” she laughed, trying to lighten the mood. The air was still filled with tension, mostly from Raven’s fear. She had been frozen in the doorway, surprised by her friend’s easy ability to talk to the newest addition to their duo. 

“Most people,” Raven chuckled, finding comfort in the blonde’s way of diffusing situations as it was so similar to hers. Clarke truly did fit in amongst the brunettes. 

“Touche,” she nodded in agreement, “though, it’s not like I intended to drown.”

“I mean, you did jump into a freezing river willing. Do you even know how to swim?” Octavia asked. She had worried for the girl, despite knowing her for such little time, and she was not going to miss the opportunity to show the girl how concerned she was with the blonde’s carelessness.

“Uh.. No,” Clarke admitted shyly, shuffling away from Octavia in an attempt to stand up. “Shit. Bad idea,” she barely got up before hurling into the toilet. 

“Should I go get Miss Woods?” Raven asked, feeling uncomfortable by her friend’s behavior. 

“No!” Clarke said, probably a little too quickly, “I’m good. My stomach’s just churning is all.”

“But she said-”

“I know what she said,” Clarke cut her off through gritted teeth.

“Why don’t you let people help you?” Octavia blurted out. Her tone wasn’t angry or accusing. It was actually surprisingly calm, but the way she said it demanded answers. 

“I don’t know,” she lied. Truth was, she had never had anyone to really ask for help from. She could’ve asked her dad, but he worked from 9am-9pm most days, and Clarke rarely got to see him. Wells would offer his help when possible, but Clarke would tend to deny it, feeling like she had to accomplish it on her own. Slay the demons herself. Sometimes, she felt that if she asked for help, it meant she was weak. She knew it wasn’t true, but it was just the way her brain reacted. 

“Your face says otherwise,” Raven remarked wittily. 

“No one’s ever offered it, and I never had anyone to ask,” Clarke said honestly, knowing the girls would not leave her alone if she didn’t give them a real answer. 

“Well, that’s not how it is anymore,” Octavia said defiantly. “We’ll be here for you from now on,” she declared seriously. Though, to Clarke, it sounded a hell of a lot like a promise, and every promise that had ever been made to Clarke had been broken. However, she trusted these girls. She had known them for a month, and only really talked with them for 24 hours, but they were genuine. That was rare to find in people nowadays. 

“Okay,” she agreed tiredly. She was really tired. Tired of fighting, tired of crying, tired of being in pain, tired of feeling like she was drifting through an endless sea of nothingness. 

Clarke was going to try to stand again when the bathroom doors opened, revealing the one and only, Miss Woods. “Your mother messaged,” she announced.

“Please tell me she doesn't know I practically drowned myself,” Clarke sighed dramatically. She knew her mother would overreact and make her go to the hospital. 

“I had to tell her,” the teacher shrugged apologetically, “policy.”

“Right,” Clarke nodded while rolling her eyes at no one specifically. 

“She wants you home,” her teacher announced. 

“But we just got here,” Clarke whined childishly. The one time she was enjoying herself, it just had to be ruined by her feeling like shit. 

“I can’t argue with your mother,” the teacher replied sadly. It was obvious the teacher was sorry for the girl. “She’s on her way.”

“Fuck me,” Clarke mumbled while pulling her hair back off her forehead with both hands. “Does she know about this,” she gestured between herself, the toilet, and the rest of the bathroom. 

“Yes,” Lexa nodded, looking a little guilty about telling the girl’s mom, despite the fact that it was protocol. 

“How does she expect me to ride in a car for 6 hours if I can’t even stand up without puking my guts out,” Clarke announced, feeling drained from the night’s events. The sun still hadn’t risen, and Clarke realized that she hadn’t really slept. She probably had a total of 6 hours of sleep in the past 96 hours. 

“So you threw up again,” she asked with narrowed eyes. 

“Umm, no,” she smiled cheesily, hoping the teacher would ignore the fact that she had been informed sooner. 

“Did I, or did I not, tell you to come find me if she threw up again?” she directed the question at Raven.

“It was just because she tried to stand up,” Raven defended herself, “It wasn’t nearly as serious, or scary, as when it started this morning.”

“I see,” Miss Woods nodded. “Your mother will be here soon, you should get your stuff together,” she announced before leaving the room.

“Bye,” Clarke huffed in annoyance, not feeling nearly as grateful to the teacher who saved her life. 

“I can get your stuff together if you want,” Raven offered.

“No!” she exclaimed, “It’s okay.”

“Okay,” Raven drawled in confusion but didn’t press on.

Clarke got up, groaning, but not throwing up thankfully. She stumbled through the small room shared by the three girls, putting her stuff into her bag. She subtly placed her sister’s blanket in her bag and zipped it up, ensuring that no one else would see her deep, dark secret. 

“Can we get your number?” Octavia asked. 

“We’re hoping this friendship thing wasn’t just a one night stand,” Raven joked, always the sarcastic one. 

Clarke laughed at Raven’s joke before nodding her head and accepting their phones that had been offered to her. She typed her number in as “Drowned Rat” before returning the phones to their owners. 

“Wonderful name, Clarke,” Octavia commented dryly.

“So creative,” Raven noted sarcastically while tucking her phone into her pocket, not changing the name despite her comments. 

“I like Goose better,” she smirked. 

“God, that nickname is so embarrassing,” Clarke said while putting her head in her hands. 

“I don’t have to use it if it makes you uncomfortable,” Octavia said quickly. 

“Oh no, it’s okay. But what if we come up with something new,” Clarke offered. She truly had no problem with the goose nickname; she just felt it sounded weird coming off the tongues of people who weren’t her siblings. 

“Ooo,” Raven drawled, “I’ve got a good one.”

“Hit me,” Octavia said, excited for any nickname for Clarke. 

“Clarkie,” Raven nodded, referencing what she had heard Clarke’s youngest sister call her. 

“It’s perfect,” Octavia nodded, typing it into her phone. 

“That’s worse than Goose,” she huffed but laughed nonetheless. She actually didn’t mind the nickname as many people had called her it before. It simply rolled off the tongue. People always add the “ey” sound to names to make them sound cuter or whatever, and Clarke hadn’t minded when people did it with her name occasionally. 

“I’m going to get some sleep before my mom shows up,” Clarke informed them while laying down. She knew she wouldn’t sleep as well without her sister’s blanket in her grasp, but she was so tired it didn’t matter. She just needed sleep. 

Clarke woke up 5 and a half hours later to her mouth gently shaking her daughter's shoulders. “It’s time to go sweety,” Abby offered gently. 

“But I’m so comfy,” Clarke whined while pulling the blankets over her head. 

“There’s a very excited young one in the car who wants to see you,” Abby noted, knowing the mention of Madi would bring her daughter to her senses. 

Sure enough, Clarke shot out of bed like a rocket, hand going to her stomach instinctively. She managed to control the nausea she felt before slowly getting out of bed. “I figured that’d get you up,” Abby chuckled to her daughter. 

“They’re really here?” Clarke smiled warmly, excited to see her siblings for the first time since her move. 

“Mhm,” her mom hummed happily. 

“Shit! I never went Christmas shopping,” Clarke covered her mouth in realization. 

“We can go out later,” her mom told her while helping her daughter to her car. 

Her mom stopped by the teacher’s room. Of course, Miss Woods opened the door. “Miss Woods,” her mom acknowledged fondly. 

“Mrs. Griffin,” Lexa offered her hand politely, “It’s nice to finally meet you in person.” she stepped out of the room and into the open space of the outside. 

“Likewise,” Abby smiled. Abby gestured with her hand for Lexa to walk with them, and she nodded humbly in agreement. Clarke’s eyes widened, realizing that if Madi really was her like her mom suggested, Lexa was about to see a big part of her life. Somehow, she didn’t really mind. 

The walk was short and was spent listening to her mother thank Lexa repeatedly for saving her daughter. Lexa had said that it was nothing, simply reflex, but Abby insisted that she simply accept the thanks. 

When they finally made it to the car, Clarke was knocked to the ground by an over-eager Madi. “Goose!” she yelled while tackling her older sister.   
  
Madi, despite seeing Clarke as her mother, was well aware that Abby was her biological mom. This being said, she was always cautious not to refer to Clarke as “mom” in front of Abby, instead using “Goose” as a replacement. 

“Who is this?” Miss Woods asked curiously, though her tone suggested that she did not want to pry. 

“This is Madi,” Clarke offered, knowing Miss Woods would know who it was if she was paying attention when Clarke talked to her. Lexa smiled fondly at the two girls. Clarke stumbled back to her feet, pulling her younger sister into her arms. 

“Put me down!” her sister complained. 

“I thought you’d be happier to see me,” Clarke frowned in faux sadness. 

“I did miss you,” Madi admitted sadly while wrapping her arms around her big sister’s neck. Miss Woods looked at Clarke with a strange fondness. Seeing the young girl with a small child was heart-warming to the older woman. 

“I missed you too,” Clarke admitted while kissing the girl’s brunette. 

“I should be going now,” Lexa announced, feeling out of place in the family reunion going on. “It was nice meeting you Mrs. Griffin… and Madi,” she smiled kindly at the youngest Griffin who smiled cheesily at the teacher. 

“Miss Woods is really pretty,” Madi sighed when the teacher was out of ear shot.

“Madi!” her older sister squeaked, “that’s my teacher.”

“Doesn’t mean she’s not pretty,” she shrugged, “I think you’re pretty.”

“Thank you, Baby,” Clarke said, reverting back to her nickname for her sister now that her teacher was out of ear shot. 

“Clarke?” Madi asked hesitantly after they’d talked for an hour or two in the car. 

“Yes?” she asked curiously, prepared to give anything she could to her sister. 

“Will you hum to me?” she asked sheepishly. 

“Of course,” Clarke smiled, catching her mom’s sad face in the mirror. She had taken a mental note to talk to her mom about it once Madi was asleep; she always fell asleep to Clarke’s humming. 

Madi smiled appreciatively, leaning her head on her sister’s side while her sister wrapped an arm around her. Clarke began humming a random tune she had heard, and soon enough, Madi had fallen asleep. 

“What was that about?” Clarke asked quietly once she was sure her sister had fallen asleep. 

“You’re so good with her,” her mom noted, feeling overwhelmingly guilty for the suffering she has caused her oldest daughter unintentionally. 

“I love her,” she said, affectionately stroking her sister’s curly, messy mane of hair. 

“You took better care of her than I ever could,” her mom nodded, as if she accepted the fact that her youngest daughter was not really _her_ daughter. She had always been Clarke’s, and Abby had been too consumed by her husband and their fighting to realize the bond her children had with each other. “Charlotte too,” her mom admitted. 

“Someone had to do it,” Clarke shrugged indifferently. Truthfully, she felt so much mixed emotions about her mom, but at the end of the day, she was her mom; Clarke still loved her.

“Thank you. For stepping up,” her mom said sincerely, “and I’m sorry you had to.”

“It means a lot,” Clarke admitted. 

“Your dad wants her to stay here if Madi agrees. I think it would be best for her, but it would be up to her,” her mother explained. 

“Really,” Clarke beamed. Of course, she missed all of her siblings, but not having Madi around made Clarke feel like less of herself. 

“Really. I don’t know about your other siblings though. Wells said he’s not moving to Arkadia. He’d miss it too much. Charlotte though, she seems torn,” Abby admitted.

“I don’t want them to make their decisions because of me. They need to take their own path in life, not follow mine,” Clarke frowned. She had always wanted what was best for them. That’s it. If that had meant never seeing her siblings again, she would do it, simply to ensure that they got the best and most out of life. 

“That’s very wise of you, Clarke,” her mother admitted, “but you’re walking a lonely road, and believe it or not, I worry for you.”

It took every bone in Clarke’s body to bite back a witty response. “I have friends you know?” she managed to get out.

“Since when?” her mom sounded genuinely excited for her.

“Yesterday. The girls I share a room with. I feel like I fit in with them,” Clarke admitted to her mother. 

“I’m happy you’re finding a place here,” her mother admitted, looking at her through the rear view mirror to show the sincerity in her eyes. 

Clarke smiled and nodded, accepting her mother’s words. She continued to stroke Madi’s hair aimlessly while staring out the window at the passing trees and other cars. She had always loved road trips, especially with her siblings and dad. She had wished her dad picked her up, but she assumed her mother had not told him of the incident. 

“Your teacher told me everything,” her mother informed her two hours later, only two hours from arriving at their house now. “Did you know she actually had to give you mouth-to-mouth,” her mother sounded terrified. Not because a teacher gave her mouth to mouth, but because it had been so serious that Clarke had needed it. 

“Mouth-to-mouth?” the teenager screamed incredulously. She felt… She didn’t know how she felt. The idea of having the teacher’s mouth on hers was supposed to be repulsive. Disgusting. Key words, supposed to be. Truthfully she felt somewhat happy at the idea of the teacher’s mouth at hers. 

She mentally slapped herself for thinking such gross thoughts about her teacher. Her teacher had saved her life, and here she is thanking her by day dreaming about kissing the older woman. 

The rest of the car ride passed quickly, and soon enough, they were back at their new house. Her dad, sister, and brother were waiting for her on the porch. Madi had slept through the car ride, and rather than wake her, she simply picked the girl up, gently putting the girl’s head on her shoulder. 

Everyone smiled fondly at Clarke, happy that the girl reconnected with the girl most anchored to her. Everyone gently offered her quick hugs, careful not to wake Madi, while walking into the room. She handed Madi to her father, asking him to put her in her room so Clarke could properly say hello to her other siblings. Her father obliged, smiling at her in thanks for stepping up for his youngest daughter. He had always been proud of Clarke’s unwavering passion for helping. 

Once her father had made it upstairs with Madi, Clarke flung herself at her other sister, putting her in a loose choke-hold and rubbing her knuckles against the girl’s head affectionately. “I missed you, Gremlin.” 

“Yeah, I missed you too,” her sister admitted in a huff, “or something like that.”

Clarke chuckled at her younger sister trying to seem tough before turning to her big brother. She jumped into his waiting arms and was surprised when he managed to catch her with ease. “You been working out there, Frank?” she asked. 

Wells chuckled at the nickname Clarek had given him jokingly when they were younger, though it had seemed to stick with the four siblings. 

****************

_“Hey! Give it back!” Clarke whined to her older brother who had taken her favorite stuffed animal._

_“Why would I do that?” she smirked, obviously trying to annoy his younger sister._

_“Because it’s mine,” Clarke argued snappily, lunging at her brother._

_“Well, actually, it’s mine since I bought it for you,” he smirked at his sister._

_“Whatever, Frank,” she joked, and they both cracked up in laughter. Clarke laughed for a while before finally seeing her opening, grabbing the toy from her brother and running back to her room before he could stop her._

_********************* _

The joke was that Wells was always too serious and took things too literally. Frank had been the first name to come to mind when trying to find a name for someone who had a stick up their butt. Since then, Clarke hasn’t allowed her brother to live the nickname down.   
  
“How was the skiing trip?” her brother asked, still holding her up in his arms.   
  
Clarke dropped her legs to the ground, allowing her brother to drop her easily, before answering, “Eventful to say the least.”

“Ooo, do tell,” he encouraged. 

Charlotte smiled knowingly while approaching her older sister. “The idiot tried to drown herself,” her younger sister laughed, obviously over her initial fear around the situation. 

“It was not on purpose!” she clarified. 

“You idiot! You know you can’t swim,” her brother scolded her.

“No shit, Sherlock, that’s why I drowned,” she rolled her eyes affectionately at her brother. Sometimes he really did point out the obvious. Her sister doubled over in laughter at her comment, feeling no remorse for her suffering brother. 

“This is why we call you a Dork,” Charlotte pointed out, calming down from her laughing fit. 

“Because I jumped into a freezing river?” she asked, leaving out that it was for the younger girl’s notebook. She knew that would make her younger sister feel guilty. 

“Because you can’t swim,” the girl corrected.

“That seems very unfair of you, Gremlin,” she joked. 

“Makes sense to me,” her brother agreed with his sister.

“Rude,” Clarke sighed. 

“That’s what we’re here for,” Charlotte elbowed her sister gently, getting her attention. “I have a surprise for you,” she admitted, “but we have to wait until Madi is awake.

“Until Madi’s awake for what?” the girl mumbled tiredly from the stairs while rubbing her eyes. 

“Go get the gifts,” Charlotte ordered her younger sister. 

“Please,” Clarke added while shooting a scolding look at her younger sister who seemed unfazed. 

Madi smiled widely while running up to Charlotte’s room. She came back down a few moments later while four string bracelets in hand. She handed one to each sibling, keeping one to herself after ordering all her older siblings to close their eyes. 

“Open!” she exclaimed excitedly. 

Clarke looked at the bracelet in her hand. It was white and yellow with the words “Goose” braided into the center of the bracelet. “It’s beautiful,” Clarke smiled fondly at her youngest sister. 

“Charlotte made them,” Madi admitted, “I just got to give them out.”

Clarke smiled at her younger sister’s. “What did you put on yours?” she asked her siblings. 

“Against my protests, mine says ‘Gremlin’,” Charlotte grumbled. She flashed the bracelet in Clarke’s direction. Clarke noticed that the bracelet was Green and Black with Gold words. 

“Oh shut up, you know you love it,” Clarke jabbed her sister’s side playfully. 

“I do not!” she said defensively, her tone raising slightly.

“Do to,” Madi accused.

“Whatever,” Charlotte rolled her eyes at the duo. Madi was always bound to take Clarke’s side on anything. It was a given. Charlotte had been mind blown when Madi had opted to stay with her and Wells instead of leaving with Clarke, but she supposed she wanted to be surrounded by as many siblings as possible.

“Mine says ‘Frank’,” Wells rolled his eyes as if he hated it, though he proceeded to put it on his wrist. His was Black and Blue with the words “Frank” written in red. 

“And mine says ‘Baby’!” Madi exclaimed excitedly. She hoped her sister would be happy with wanting to use that nickname. Madi had always looked up to Clarke, and she never wanted to let her older sister, practically Mom, down. Madi’s bracelet was Blue and Pink, relative to the commonly used colors to depict whether a baby would be a girl or boy, with the words “Baby” written in purple. 

Clarke glanced fondly at the bracelet before adjusting it to her wrist. Clarke turned to Charlotte, “These really are beautiful. Thank you,” she smiled and placed a kiss to her sister’s temple.

“Ewwww gross!” she complained but smiled nonetheless. Clarke was always somewhat affectionate with her siblings because it was the only way she knew to show that she really did love them. However, she did know that Charlotte was at the age where she hated that kind of stuff, so she tried to do it as little as possible. 

She was going to say more until her mom yelled, “Dinner!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep an eye out for the next chapter! The next few chapters are probably going to be focused on Clarke's family and Raven and Octavia, so don't expect any Lexa-Clarke talks soon. Sorry to disappoint, but unfortunately, this type of stuff is important!


	5. Family Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and her family share a tense dinner, a not so friendly meal, a loving moment before bed, and a chaotic next morning.

Once sat around the dinner table, Clarke finally noticed the tension between her mother and father. They seemed uncomfortable in each other’s presence, and the kids didn’t miss it. Clarke reached across the table and grabbed some meat, placing it on her plate. Madi did the same before sliding her plate over for her father to cut. 

He cut the meat easily, though his grip on the steak knife tightened when Clarke’s mother began speaking, “I know this is new, but I have hope that we will all grow accustomed to it soon. To new beginnings!” she raised her glass, filled with a fancy wine, signaling for a toast. Everyone toasted to Abby’s words excitedly before the same tension filled the room again. 

“Are we not going to talk about the elephant in the room?” Charlotte asked, annoyed by her family's childishness. Clarke kicked her in the shin for being insensitive, causing Charlotte to grunt subtly.

Clarke knew Charlotte was talking about the fact that it would be the first Christmas in which their parents were not married. Of course, the siblings were together, but next year they might not be. They had already missed their first Thanksgiving together because of the move.

The rest of the meal passed quietly. No one dared speak. When the meal was finished, Clarke took everyone’s plates and began cleaning them, quickly joined by her older brother. “You okay?” he asked, having noticed Clarke's reluctance to eat. 

“I’m fine. Still feeling a little nauseous from this morning is all,” Clarke said. It was not a complete lie either, her stomach was still churning, but that was not the only reason.

“Don’t lie to me,” he prompted, sounding a little stern.

“I feel like everything’s falling apart,” she admitted in a whisper, only wanting her brother to hear her. He was always her go-to guy for advice and sharing secrets, and this was not one she wanted her younger siblings to hear. 

“It’s not falling apart, Clarke,” he sighed dramatically, “It’s just changing. Change is good.”

“For some people,” she rolled her eyes before drying her hands and signaling to her family that she was done with dishes. 

“Why don’t we play a board game?” Abby suggested. It was always a family tradition to play board games in the Christmas season as such games called for bonding and building relationships.

“Sounds like just what we need,” Clarke agreed while helping her mom browse through the game options. 

“Alright. First of all, card games or board games?” Clarke asked to narrow down her search. The family had always disagreed on this question. Madi, Charlotte, and Abby would always want to play board games while Jake, Clarke, and Wells wanted card games. Card games required you to know the player whereas board games allowed you to learn about a player. 

“Card games!”

“Board games!” 

As suspected, the vote had been evenly split the same way it always was. Charlotte and Wells started arguing about the differences and their reasons for choosing their specific game, another thing that happened every year. 

“Alright. Alright. We’ll just do both,” Clarke offered. 

Everyone nodded their heads, seeing the logic in Clarke’s choice. She chose Monopoly for the first game, knowing it was Madi and Charlotte’s favorite, though her mom preferred Sorry. Her mother groaned when she saw Monopoly, causing everyone to chuckle. Clarke then grabbed a deck of cards and set them on a nearby table. 

Everyone chose their pieces. By now, everyone had grown accustomed to their set pieces. Wells was always the top hat because of his usually serious demeanor, Charlotte was the race car because she always made decisions without thinking them through, her father was the boot because “they look professional, Clarke”, her mother was the cat. Abby never knew why her children suggested it, but they knew. She was way too aloof. Madi was the dog because she still acted like a puppy, and Clarke was the wheelbarrow because “Clarke elevates people”.

The game started off friendly, like usual. Madi had been the first to land on the dark blues, the most expensive property, sticking her tongue out at Charlotte who almost always got it first. 

Clarke had always gone for the light blues and oranges first. She was always very strategic, and she found that though they weren’t worth much, people often landed on them at least once every time they passed go. Everyone else didn’t have a strategy. They just bought whatever pieces they landed on. 

Everything remained friendly until Charlotte landed on one of Well’s properties. “That’s so unfair!” she exclaimed while gathering the money, barely having $400 left. 

“All is fair in capitalism and family,” Wells chuckled. 

“Don’t be an ass,” Clarke elbowed them both, sitting between the both of them. 

“I only have $400 left!” Charlotte complained, knowing that landing on someone’s property before passing go would end her. 

“Here,” Clarke easily tossed her $500 dollars, leaving her plenty of money as the richest person in the game, “satisfied?”

“Yes, very,” Charlotte smiled. 

“Don’t get too excited. I’ll be getting it back in a second,” Clarke smirked. She had calculated that Charlotte had high odds of landing on one of her more expensive properties. The property was expensive enough that she’d be left with barely anything, and if she didn’t land on Clarke’s property, the money would surely go to Madi. 

“You bitch!” she shouted when she ended up landing on Clarke’s property on her next roll.

“At least I’m a rich bitch,” Clarke concluded after receiving the money from her sister.

“Language, girls,” her father scolded calmly. 

“She’s not being fair!” Charlotte complained.

“She played by the rules,” Abby added, “she even gave you money which is against the original rules.”

“Whatever,” Charlotte said while putting her piece off to the side with her father’s and mother’s who were already out. 

The rest of the game went off without a hitch. Wells was the next to lose, then Madi, leaving Clarke as the winner. “Clarke always wins,” Madi frowned. 

“Don’t worry, Baby, I’ll teach you,” Clarke smiled at her sister. 

“You guys are so strange,” Charlotte chuckled. Truthfully, she envied her sisters’ relationship. Clarke and her had always been close, but they had always shared a sisterly bond whereas Clarke and Madi had more of a mother daughter bond. Charlotte wanted that, but she was too stubborn and proud to admit it to herself.

“Don’t worry, I’ll teach you too,” she elbowed her other sister, sensing her inner turmoil.

That’s something Charlotte both hated and loved about her sister. She was good at reading people. Too good. It was like she could hear your thoughts. Though she had to give it to her sister, she rarely ever called people out on their thoughts. She’d usually do whatever she could to help them. Typical Clarke move.

By now, it was late, and everyone agreed to sleep for the night. There were only 4 rooms in the house, so Charlotte, Clarke, and Madi agreed to share one room. They had known their parents would not do well in the same room, and Wells was always strict about personal space. Not to mention, the sisters had always, pretty much, shared a room.

*********************

_“Clarke, no! I want top bunk,” A young Charlotte complained with a pout._

_“You can’t have top bunk, little gremlin,” Clarke chided affectionately, “you could fall.”_

_“But bottom bunk is for babies,” Charlotte frowned._

_“That’s why you get the bottom bunk,” Clarke explained._

_“I’m not a baby!” Charlotte complained, “I’m 7 years old Clarke.”_

_“That’s a baby,” Clarke smiled._

_“No, Madi is a baby. not to mention, you’re only 10,” Charlotte argued._

_“Fair enough, but I’m older. I get top bunk,” Clarke smiled triumphantly._

_“But you always have top bunk,” she complained._

_“Clarke!” her father yelled for her before she could argue with her sister._

_“Yes, Dad?” she yelled back._

_“Madi won’t stop crying!” he seemed slightly panicked, obviously not really knowing what to do despite already raising three kids._

_“I’m coming!” she glanced at her sister, “take the top bunk.”_

_“Really?” Charlotte squealed._

_“Yes, really,” Clarke said, knowing she’d probably end up with Madi’s crib in her room again like most nights. She didn’t really mind. She enjoyed taking care of her little sister. Plus, she had felt bad for her father. Her mother left him alone with 3 children and a toddler by himself, and he had work the next morning._

_Charlotte pulled her sister into a tight thank you hug and Clarke kissed her head before leaving to talk with her father and comfort her youngest sister._

**_***************_ **

Clarke smiled at the fond memories of her childhood. They weren’t perfect, but they were hers. She wouldn’t change them for the world. Younger her would have complained that she wanted her mother around, but now, she saw that she never needed her mother’s love -even if she had it-, she only needed that of her siblings and father. 

Charlotte and Madi followed Clarke into her room. It was quite big for just one person, but her mother had made quite the living for herself. They all settled down on the bed, seeing that it was big enough for all of them. Madi demanded to be in the middle. She never could sleep in new places without something familiar with her. 

Charlotte and Clarke smiled at each other, thinking back to a time when four year old Madi would climb into one of their beds after having nightmares, or when she’d find them and simply watch them as they did their thing. Charlotte had found it creepy, but she eventually realized that Madi had been admiring her, learning from her behaviors. She looked up to her big sisters. 

Madi and Charlotte looked at Clarke expectantly, waiting for their nightly tradition to begin. Charlotte found it a little childish, but she had to admit that her sister had a beautiful singing voice. It had always succeeded in lulling her and Madi into a peaceful sleep. Though, she had never wondered how, or if, Clarke fell asleep after them. 

Clarke got the memo and began humming a random tune. It had very little significance to the trio, but it was serene, peaceful. Madi had been the first asleep, despite her long nap in the morning. 

Once Madi had fallen asleep, Clarke stopped humming, turning to her younger sister. “I’m sorry,” she said sincerely. 

“For what?” Charlotte was genuinely confused. As far as she knew, her sister had nothing to be sorry for. She did everything right. She was the golden child. 

“I left you. With her. I left you the responsibility, just like mom did to me. I didn’t give you a choice. I’m sorry for that. You didn’t deserve it,” Clarke said, genuinely apologetic for the lack of consideration done on her part. 

“I chose it. Maybe not consciously, but I did. I love Madi. She’ll always be your baby, but she’s my little sister. I never want to see her struggle,” Charlotte explained while grabbing her older sister’s hand, a rare show of affection from the girl. 

“Thank you,” Clarke smiled, “for stepping up.”

“Did you know, Madi never stopped asking when we were going to see you again?” Charlotte asked after it was quiet for a while. She knew her sister was still awake as she could see her hand lovingly stroking their youngest sister’s hair. 

“I missed her too,” Clarke admitted, “Life felt so empty without you guys.”

“I think she wants to stay,” Charlotte admitted. It hurt a little, knowing her younger sister chose Clarke over her, but she had expected nothing less. “You really are her mom,” Charlotte nodded.

Clarke had known the complexity of their situation for a while. She knew Madi knew who her biological mother was, that much was obvious. However, she knew Madi referred to her as mom and would call her mom when Abby was not around, though they usually just stuck with “Goose”. 

“Do you?” Clarke asked, ignoring her sister’s second comment. There was no pressure in her voice. She was simply curious. 

“I want to be here. To see Madi grow if she stays, to see you graduate, to see you off to college, to make new friends and experience new things,” Charlotte said, but Clarke could sense the “but” from a mile away.

“But I’m not as strong as you. I can’t just leave behind the world I’ve always known. I’m proud of you and I admire you for the decision you made, but I could never make the same one,” Charlotte finished. 

“That’s okay,” Clarke reassured her, “I just want you to be happy, wherever that takes you. If that means leaving the country, do it. If that means staying put, do it. Just promise me you’ll be happy,” Clarke prompted. That truly is all she ever wanted, for any of them, and she wondered if Wells had felt this way about her when he knew she had made a choice against her own happiness. 

“I will,” Charlotte agreed before turning to her side, finally trying to actively fall asleep.

“Goodnight Charlotte,” Clarke said, surprisingly using her real name. Clarke had meant it affectionately, knowing her name would hold a lot of weight in place of her usual nickname, and Charlotte got the memo. She had smiled widely, not that her sister could see it, and she soon drifted into a blissful sleep. 

Clarke was not really tired yet, used to staying up all night and taking naps after school during the day. She got on her phone and texted Octavia and Raven, assuming that they’d still be awake since it was only 10pm. 

**Lady Griff:**

_Are you awake_

**Birdie:**

_Duh what else would we be doing_

**Octagon:**

_I don’t know maybe sleeping_

**Birdie:**

_Pffft! Sleep is for the weak_

**Lady Griff:**

_You two bicker like a married couple_

**Octagon:**

_It’s her fault for being so damn full of herself_

**Birdie:**

_How could I not be full of myself I’m amazing_

**Lady Griff:**

_Maybe if she says it enough it’ll be true_

**Octagon:**

_HAHAHAHA she just wrecked you Reyes_

**Birdie:**

_That was not very kind Clarke_

**Lady Griff:**

_No shit_

**Octagon:**

_Did I ever mention how much I love you guys_

Clarke paused after reading that message. Not many people had told her they loved her. Her siblings said it, but rarely, and her parents weren’t around enough to tell her.

**Birdie:**

_How could you not love me_

**Octagon:**

_Jesus Christ see full of herself!_

**Lady Griff:**

_When do you guys get back from skiing?_

**Octagon:**

_We leave in the morning we’ll be back mid afternoon though_

**Lady Griff:**

_Alright cool. I’m tired as fuck tho so I’m out. See you guys soon_

**Birdie:**

_Night Clarkie_

Clarke smiled at her friends. When she first moved here, she never imagined she’d have friends. In fact, she had promised not to make any, but Raven and Octavia were too lovable. How could you not love them?

Clarke was finally drifting into sleep a few hours later. She checked the time and saw that it was 3am, and she hoped her family would allow her to sleep in the next morning. 

\-------------------------------

Lexa awoke to her sister’s shuffling around the room. It was rare for them to be awake before her, but she had been up most of the previous night. She had no specific reason. It was simply that her mind was on overdrive. 

More specifically, she could not get Clarke and her sister out of her head. Clarke had been so sweet and genuinely happy to see her younger sibling, and Lexa yearned for that kind of connection with someone.

Of course, she had Anya and Luna, but they weren’t affectionate people. To be fair, she usually was not an affectionate person either, but seeing Clarke with her sister brought out a whole new part of Lexa she was not sure had been there before. 

Lexa reluctantly got out of bed and began packing her stuff. Today, they were leaving to go back to their homes. It was the beginning of winter break, and Anya and Luna had made plans to go see their families. All three of them had no siblings, but Anya and Luna had parents. Lexa only had her dad. 

Most years, they all went their separate ways, but this year, Lexa’s dad had asked her specifically not to come for Christmas. She found it weird as he was usually head over heels excited to see her, but he had said that she knew she was overworking herself. She needed to spend the break resting, and if she went to visit him, they would spend the whole trip doing anything but that. 

Lexa had respected her dad more for making that decision. She knew it was hard for him because Lexa was his little girl, and she knew he missed her just as she missed him. However, she was going to respect his wishes and stay home. She even decided she’d attempt this “relaxing” thing.

Once all her stuff was packed, she began banging on doors with her sisters, making sure all the students were awake and packing. Many students had made it on the bus already, but this was to ensure that no one would be left behind, especially given how far they were from home.

Around 10 minutes later, everyone had emerged from their rooms and made it onto the bus. Lexa, Anya, and Luna all did a headcount, concluding that this was indeed everyone, aside from Clarke who had left the previous day. Finn had still been there with them, but he was to be punished upon their arrival back at the school.

The bus ride was spent sleeping for most people, Lexa included. Almost everyone was drained from the days they spent at the resort. Lexa had spent the whole day skiing after Clarke had left, and her muscles were not letting her forget that. She was a strong girl, and had quite a lot of muscle mass for one. Sadly, that did not stop her from getting sore muscles. 

When they finally made it back to the school, Lexa, Anya, and Luna were quick to get to their car. They were all ready to crash in their own beds and sleep the rest of the day away. Anya and Luna had to wake up the next morning to leave for their vacations, but Lexa was determined to “relax”. 

After around 5 minutes, they parked in front of their house. They all, begrudgingly, dragged their things inside and began unpacking, moving around with zombie-like movements. They felt like they were experiencing jet lag, minus the jet.

Once they finally finished unpacking, they all went to their respective rooms and crashed. It had been an eventful weekend, and they were ready to get some much needed sleep to move on from it.

\------------------------

Clarke was surprised, to say the least, when she was woken up by two brunettes. “Ahhh!” she screamed when she opened her eyes and saw them. “Jesus Fuck,” she muttered, trying to calm her racing heart. 

“Sorry for scaring you there, Clarkie,” Raven apologized insincerely, barely holding back her laughter, “you mother let us in.”

“Of course she did,” Clarke grumbled under her breath.

“Nice room,” Octavia said while looking around.

“It’s still kinda empty,” Raven noted.

“Well I’ve only lived here for a month, Raven,” Clarke pointed out.

“Okay, yeah, fair,” Raven agreed. 

“So, what’s up?” she asked.

“We wanted to meet your siblings if that’s alright,” Octavia said. “We know it’s soon and you barely know us, but we really do want to get to know you. It seems that your siblings are a big part of who you are,” Octavia defended their motives.

“Uh, yeah. Sure,” Clarke agreed. She had actually wanted them to meet her siblings since the video call the other day, and she was happy they took initiative. 

Clarke shooed her friends out of her room so she could change before making her way downstairs to eat something. She poured herself a bowl of cereal, despite it being 3pm. She chatted with her friends while she ate. 

Her mother had told her that her dad took her siblings out to get some groceries because there weren’t enough for the six of them in the household at the time. Clarke nodded and made her way upstairs with her friends. She knew this would be the first place her sisters came to when they got home.

After chatting for about an hour, Charlotte stormed into the room. “Oh, you two were on the call!” Charlotte noted after scrunching her face at them in confusion.

“That’d be us,” Octavia agreed.

“So… Clarke has friends,” Charlotte raised an eyebrow at them.

“Took her long enough,” Raven quipped.

“What do you mean?” Charlotte asked while sitting on the bed with them.

“Well, when we first met, she refused to talk to me. She had stopped my abusive ex from being an ass to me in the hallway, and then completely rejected my offer of friendship,” Raven sighed.

“Oh yeah. She had this whole vow that she was gonna live her life alone until graduation,” Charlotte said through a giggle as if she never believed Clarke could do it. 

“Hey! It was completely realistic!” Clarke defended herself.

“Was, Clarke. Was,” Raven laughed.

“I like this one,” Raven and Charlotte said while pointing to each other.

“What a match made in heaven,” Octavia rolled her eyes and Clarke laughed with her. 

Next, Madi entered the room, looking completely confused. “What?” she muttered, but they all heard it. 

“I’m Raven, like the bird,” Raven said to Madi. 

“Oh, you were on the call!” It clicked for Madi as she joined everyone on her sister’s bed. 

“Yeppers,” Octavia confirmed, “I’m Octavia… There’s nothing to compare that to, but yeah.”

Madi laughed at Octavia, and Octavia beamed at the younger girl. It was obvious that Octavia was a kid person based on her excitement of hearing a younger kids voice on the phone the other day, but this just proved it. 

“What a match made in heaven,” Raven mocked Octavia for her earlier statement, causing Charlotte to burst into laughter.

Clarke watched the scene unfold with a great happiness in her chest. It meant everything to her that her friends got along with her sisters. All they had to do now was to win the appreciation of her brother. 

“Wells! Get your lazy ass in here!” Clarke summoned her brother. 

“Language, Clarke!” Octavia exclaimed while covering Madi’s ears who laughed at Octavia’s antics, “There are children present.”

“Whatever,” Clarke rolled her eyes and dismissed the idea with a flick of her wrist. 

A few moments later, Wells entered the room, looking completely befuddled by the amount of people in the room. “Wells, this is Octavia,” she pointed to Octavia, “and Raven.” She gestured to Raven, and her brother still looked completely confused.

“They’re my friends,” Clarke added.

“Oh! I didn’t know you had any of those,” her brother teased while sitting on the floor in front of everyone. 

“Why does everyone think I can’t make friends?” Clarke exclaimed defeatedly.

“Maybe because you vowed you wouldn’t,” Madi pointed out.

“Oh shut up,” Clarke said while playfully pushing her which resulted in Octavia pushing Clarke back harder for Madi. They all started laughing, and soon they all ended up in a dog pile on the bed, play fighting and tickling each other until they yelled for mercy. 

Clarke loved that her family got along with her friends, and she couldn’t help but feel that this is what meant to happen. For once, she finally felt like everything in her life had happened for a reason, and it was all starting to work itself out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had intended to fit more Clarke/Octavia/Raven in here, but it turned into them all hanging out together. Next chapter should be more of the trio bonding and learning about each other though. Keep your eyes peeled, and feed back is always appreciated!


	6. Mall Escapades

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke/Octavia/Raven chapter (mostly) with some more siblings bonding for the Griffin's. Sneak peek of what will happen in the next chapter too XD

The next morning, Clarke awoke to an interesting sight. Madi was squished on the bed between herself and Octavia while Raven and Charlotte were sleeping peacefully on a makeshift bed on the floor. 

Clarke couldn’t stop the smile that appeared on her face. She had never imagined her siblings and friends getting along this well, but she wasn’t mad. She was a little upset that her brother wasn’t there, but she could see how he might be uncomfortable and out of place around all the girls. 

Clarke left her room silently, careful not to wake anyone else in the room. She made the short journey to the kitchen and began cooking pancakes. She always prided herself on being a good cook. In fact, she was the only one in the family who could cook aside from Wells, but she was better. 

As if on cue, Wells joined her in cooking. He didn’t say anything at first. The two simply moved through the kitchen as if it was muscle memory; it kind of was. “You’re in a good mood this morning,” he remarked, “you only make pancakes when you’re happy.”

Clarke opened her mouth to argue, but he was right. Clarke usually made eggs and bacon or omelets if she cooked. Pancakes were reserved for when she was in a good mood. “I guess I am,” she smiled.

“I’m glad you found your place here,” he smiled warmly before pulling her into a fierce hug, “I’m happy for you.”

She relaxed into her older brother’s embrace and felt herself pulling him closer. “I’m sorry I won’t be staying,” he apologized. 

“I never expected, or wanted, you to drop your life for me. Do what you need to do. I understand,” she pulled back to look him in the eyes, needing to show him her sincerity. 

He kissed her cheek, a rare show of affection from the usually stoic brother, and said, “You always were the strong one.” He gently pushed her off of her, signaling that he was done with the hug, and Clarke let him go. 

“Everyone’s strong in their own way,” Clarke informed him while flipping her pancakes that had managed to turn the perfect color of golden brown.

“I don’t know how you do it,” he told her after a few moments of silence.

“Do what?” she asked curiously.

“Drop everything you have going for you for someone else’s happiness,” he elaborated, “It’s stupid. 

“It’s who I am,” she shrugged. 

“It’s not who you have to be,” he pointed out rather defeatedly, as if trying to make a point he’s failed to make too many times before. 

“And if it’s who I want to be?” Clarke rounded on him. She loved her big brother dearly, but she occasionally felt judged by him for her decisions. She admits, she doesn’t always make the best decisions, but she lives with them; she makes the most out of them and often doesn’t regret them in the end.

“Just be happy, Clarke. That’s all I want for you,” he smiled while putting a firm, brotherly hand on her shoulder. She smiled back, agreeing to what he had said, and he removed his hand.

They continued making pancakes until they ran out of batter. They didn’t have anywhere near enough pancakes for 8 people, so they made new batter. In the process, Wells playfully booped Clarke’s nose, getting flour all over it.

“Wells!” she exclaimed when she realized what he did. He just started cackling at her reaction, doubling over while holding his stomach. “Oh it’s on,” she said while grabbing a handful of flour and slapping in onto her brother’s head. Lucky for him, he didn’t have much hair.

The flour war went on until they noticed their father, smiling at their antics. When they stopped, frozen in fear of what he might say, they were pleasantly surprised when he threw flour at both of them simultaneously. 

Again, the flour war continued. By now, Clarke and Wells looked like ghosts while Jake managed to look somewhat normal as both siblings were going after each other while occasionally turning on their dad.

“Children. You are a bunch of children,” Abby said from the doorway.

They all froze, slowly turning towards Abby at being caught red handed. They all offered the same, sheepish smile, and you could easily tell they were all related. Abby laughed at the looks on her family's faces before saying, “Clean yourselves up. I’ll finish making the pancakes.”

They all made their way to the stairs, going off to take showers when Clarke heard Abby call, “and Clarke, wake your friends!” Clarke chuckled to herself before getting in the shower. Jake agreed to shower last since he had the least flour on him while Clarke had the most.

She showered quickly and was in her room in an instant, looking for clothes to put on. Seeing as her brother was already in the bathroom and everyone was still asleep, Clarke decided to just change in her room, silently praying that no one woke up.

Unfortunately, she was not granted such luck as she heard a low wolf-whistle from the floor. “Damn, Griffin,” it was, so obviously, Raven. Clarke didn’t even have to look to see that. She continued dressing without facing Raven, blushing furiously at the fact that her new best friend had just seen her butt naked. 

“Who knew,” Raven teased while getting up from the floor and cracking her neck and back.

“Who knew what?” Clarke asked, now fully clothed and looking for her deodorant that she kept in her bedside table.

“That Clarke Griffin had a nice ass,” she joked. 

Clarke turned red as blood, and Raven began laughing, hastily covering her mouth in an attempt to not wake up the rest of the people in the room. Clarke pushed her shoulder playfully as Clarke jumped on her bed, effectively scaring the shit out of Madi and Octavia. 

“Jesus Christ, Clarke! Warn a girl!” Octavia exclaimed while shooting up like a rocket. 

Clarke laughed at her before placing a kiss in Madi’s hair. “Sorry I scared you,” she directed the apology at Madi. She had only intended to wake Octavia in such a way. Octavia huffed while Madi giggled and got out of bed. 

“Go brush your teeth,” she told her younger sister.

“What did you cook?” Madi asked while rubbing at her eyes.

“Pancakes,” Clarke smiled, knowing they were Madi’s favorite.

Madi jumped into Clarke’s arms for a hug before rushing off to brush her teeth. “And that leaves cranky pants,” she stared challengingly at Charlotte who had managed to sleep through everything. 

Raven and Octavia chuckled at Clarke’s response, only stopping when Clarke furrowed her eyebrows at them. “You think I’m kidding? Last time I woke her up she elbowed me in the nose,” she recounted, rubbing nostalgically at her nose. This only threw Octavia and Raven into another laughing fit which Clarke decided to ignore this time.

Clarke strategically placed herself over her sister, making sure her nose was out of reach which Octavia and Raven found hysterical. She then shook Charlotte fairly aggressively which woke the girl from her slumber.

“Fuck off, Clarke,” she grumbled while turning away from her sister. 

“I made pancakes,” was all Clarke had to say for Charlotte to spring up out of bed, narrowly missing hitting Clarke in the nose, again. 

“Well why didn’t you just say so?” she exclaimed excitedly while rushing out the room to get herself ready before eating. 

“God I love your siblings,” Octavia chuckled.

“I’m more curious about these pancakes. They seem magical,” Raven noted dreamily.

“Oh they are,” Clarke confirmed before walking off.

“Hey, Clarke,” Octavia said while looking at Raven, as if asking permission. When Raven nodded her head, Octavia continued, “I know your family’s here and all, but Rae and I are going to the mall later. You’re welcome to join us if you want.”

Clarke smiled, happy that her friends had thought to invite her. “Sure. I’ll have to double check with my parents. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping anyway,” Clarke informed them. Octavia let out a little happy squeal while Raven rolled her eyes despite the happy, amused smile on her lips. 

“Now, let’s go try these pancakes!” Raven exclaimed, pumping a fist into the air while walking out of Clarke’s room and into the kitchen.

They all ate together, exchanging small talk. Raven had, unashamedly, moaned when she first tasted the pancakes, and Octavia had, quite obviously, held one back as well. “These really are magical,” Raven sighed.

“Of course they are,” Clarke said matter-of-factly, “I made them.”

“Don’t let it go to your head, Griff,” Raven scolded, and Clarke chuckled at the ease in their conversations.

“Oh, yeah!” Clarke exclaimed after it was quiet for a while, “I’m going to the mall with Raven and Octavia.” She looked to her mom and dad, happy to find them smiling their permission at her. 

“We’re going right after breakfast. It’s less busy that way,” Octavia noted.

“You girls have fun,” Jake told them a few minutes later while taking their plates to wash them.

“You sure you’ve got clean up?” Clarke asked her dad.

“Of course, Baby. Go have fun,” he shooed her away, and she laughed while putting her shoes on. 

While in Octavia’s car, she found herself wondering more about the girl’s with her. They all knew so little of the other. Well, Octavia and Raven knew each other well, but neither really knew Clarke, and Clarke barely knew either of them.

“Tell me about your parents,” Clarke prompted, “You already met mine.”

“Well, my mom’s a dead beat drunk, and my dad left when I was little,” Raven explained, and Clarke felt a pang of guilt and sadness for the girl. Though, Raven said it as though she weren’t bothered by it.

“Sorry,” Clarke muttered.

“It’s okay. You were curious,” Raven smiled, offering the girl her forgiveness, not that Raven felt there was anything to be forgiven. “I’ve lived with Octavia for a while now.”

“That’s nice,” Clarke smiled at Octavia warmly.

“My parents were killed in a car accident a few years ago, just after my brother, Bellamy, left for the Army,” Octavia admitted. 

“I’m so sorry, O,” Clarke apologized, using the girl’s nickname for added affection and sincerity.

“It’s okay. It was like 6 years ago. Of course, I miss them, but you get used to living alone with your best friend,” she pushed Raven’s shoulder lightly as Octavia was still driving. 

“Does your brother pay for the house with the money from the military?” Clarke asked curiously.

“Something like that. He doesn’t want me to get involved with the finances of it all until after College. My parent’s life insurance money is going into my college fund. That’s all I know as far as money,” Octavia admitted.

“Your brother sounds like a great guy,” Clarke smiled while placing a hand on Octavia’s shoulder. 

“He’s my rock,” Octavia admitted with a slight nod. 

“I know the feeling,” Clarke smiled, thinking of her own older brother.

“I feel left out,” Raven pouted.

“Don’t worry, Rae. You’re my sister just as much as Bell is my brother,” Octavia assured her with a quick smile.

“Somehow, you both weaseled you way into my life,” Clarke admitted, “but no complaints from me!” she threw her arms around Raven from the backseat, and the trio laughed like there was no tomorrow. 

When they finally arrived at the mall, Clarke was amazed by how big it was. She hadn’t really left her house much until the skiing trip, and that was only because her mom forced her to go. 

“Pretty sweet right,” Raven nudged her to get her to stop drooling over the building.

“Hell yeah,” Clarke agreed, still somewhat in awe of the building. Somehow, it looked both futuristic, modern, and archaic all at the same time without looking strange. 

Upon entering the mall, Octavia and Raven dragged her to a few clothing stores first. Clarke felt like she was in a movie. Everywhere they went, they ran there, giggling after each other and tripping over their own feet. 

Once they entered the first clothing shop, Octavia and Raven began browsing the items in the store. She had promised she wouldn’t spend her money on anything as she wanted to save it for things for her friends. 

“Clarke! Come try this on,” Octavia called her over. 

“I’m not getting it,” Clarke said before even looking at it.

“Such a party pooper, Clarke,” Raven teased, “I thought we lost her pre-skiing trip.” 

“Oh shut up,” Clarke scrunched her nose at the thoughts. The skiing trip had been a complete disaster for her… Minus having her teacher’s lips on hers, though Clarke would never admit that. She grabbed the dress, and Octavia and Raven cheered in triumph, causing Clarke to flip them off behind her back. 

When Clarke got the dress on, she did a twirl in the mirror before stepping out to show it off to her friends. It was a simply black dress that hugged tightly to her curves like they were a lifeline. It had a deep V-neck, but it would still be considered school appropriate in their area. At the hips, the dress flowed out in a lace pattern, stopping at her knees. 

“You’re keeping this,” Raven demanded. 

“I already told you, I’m not spending my money on it,” Clarke said stubbornly.

“This dress looks like it was made especially for you,” Raven reasoned while gesturing to Clarke, “If you won’t buy it, then I will to give it to you.”

“No,” Clarke said firmly. 

“Yep, go shimmy your nice ass out of it, so I can buy it,” Raven smirked while shooing Clarke back into the changing room. 

“I hate you,” Clarke grumbled while walking back into the changing room. Raven just smirked victoriously at Octavia who chuckled at the girl’s shenanigans. 

When Clarke changed out of the dress, Raven kept her promise and bought the dress. Clarke had rolled her eyes at Raven, but it didn’t change the girl’s mind. They raced out of the store, weaving through people and giggling at each other when one of them did something stupid. 

“Where to now?” Clarke asked, slightly out of breath, when she finally caught up with Raven and Clarke. 

“Sibling shopping?” Octavia suggested.

“Sounds good,” Raven nodded while jumping on Clarke’s back.

“Jesus Christ, Rae!” Clarke shouted at the weight, but laughed nonetheless, easily carrying Raven to the next shop.

“Damn, Clarke, fine ass and strong. What else could a girl ask for,” Raven winked while getting off of Clarke’s back. Clarke shook her head, amused, at the girl as they entered. 

Clarke easily found something simple for all her siblings before helping Octavia search for something for her brother, and distracting Raven while she got something for her. 

Once they got everything there, they made their way to the food court, seeing as it was 2pm already. They each paid for their own meals, agreeing that was the easiest way to get the food, before sitting down to eat. Clarke had gotten Subway while Octavia and Raven got McDonalds.

“How typical,” Raven rolled her eyes at Clarke.

“What?” she asked. 

“Of course you’d get Subway Miss ‘Can-carry-an-entire-human-across-the-mall’,” Raven sassed.

“I’m literally not even that crazy about fitness. I just really wanted a sub,” Clarke argued. She was actually telling the truth; she was not a fan of eating healthy… ever. 

“Mhhmmm,” Raven narrowed her eyes suspiciously at the blonde before finding more interest in her own meal. 

The girls ate while discussing random topics, mostly school and how different the return would be; so much changed on the skiing trip and now over this break. Octavia brought up that her brother was returning home for Christmas for the first time since he joined the Army. Octavia claimed that Christmas had been lonely, but she usually spent it with Raven, even before they moved in together. 

Once they finished eating, Octavia decided to drop Clarke off before going home with Raven. Clarke had been okay with spending the rest of the day with her newfound friends, but they seemed adamant on her spending more time with her family while they were there. Clarke was grateful that her friends understood how much she loved her family. 

Upon her arrival, she found that all her siblings had been doing their own thing while her parents were, surprisingly, being civil. Her parents were playing a card game in the dining room, Wells was playing chess by himself, and Charlotte helped Madi with her reading on the couch.

Clarke couldn’t help but smile. It all felt so normal. She decided to sit across from Wells, a silent question of if she could join him. He never answered verbally, he simply began repositioning the pieces so she could play as well.

Ever since they were younger, 5 and 7, they would always face off in chess. Her parents had encouraged them to play chess because it taught strategy and sacrifice, things you often had to make use of in life unfortunately.

Wells usually beat her, being the more serious and wise siblings, but Clarke always enjoyed the challenge. Clarke made sure all her focus was on the game because that was the only way she even had a slight chance at winning. 

After around 2 hours, Charlotte and Madi ended up leaving their book to watch the two face off while their parents began prepping dinner. It had been nice to see her parents get along, especially so close to Christmas. In fact, Christmas was in three days, and Clarke had almost forgotten. She still needed to buy Raven and Octavia gifts as well as her parents. 

She had also decided, after much debate, that she’d attempt to get something for the three teachers who had helped her so much in her first month of school. Miss Forest, Miss Woods, and Miss Rivers. She felt that she owed them a lot, and the least she could do was get them something, even if it was a little unprofessional on her part. 

“Hey, Wells,” Clarke asked between turns.

“You’re going to distract me, Clarke,” he chided while focusing on his options.

“Jesus, Frank. I was just gonna ask you to take me out shopping?” she asked, ignoring his request to keep quiet. 

“Fine, yeah, once this game ends,” he smirked as if he thought that’d be sooner rather than later. 

A couple rounds later, Clarke had, surprisingly, managed to win. “Checkmate!” she exclaimed. This was one of the very rare times she actually beat her brother in the game, and it was cause for celebration.

“Impossible!” he shouted while double checking. Clarke was right; It was checkmate.

“Holy shit,” Clarke whispered excitedly.

“When the fuck did Clarke learn how to actually play chess?” asked a gaping Charlotte. 

“Shut the fuck up, Gremlin,” she said while elbowing her sister.

“Whatever,” Wells rolled his eyes, “Let’s go.”

Clarke grabbed her wallet and made her way to her parents car with her brother. Clarke had her drivers license, but she preferred to be driven around. She tended to be tense around the wheel, and she only drove if she was alone. 

“Where to?” he asked. 

“Hmmm,” she thought aloud. She first wanted to get something for her teachers because that would be easy. She decided on just getting them a variety of candies each as well as cards since she didn’t really know them that well. As far as her parents and friends she had things in mind.

On their travels in the mall, Octavia had discovered a beautiful outfit she loved, but she had opted not to buy it because she wouldn’t have enough money left. She shot Raven a quick text, confirming that Raven had something else in mind for Octavia. 

Raven, on the other hand, was apparently more interested in technology. Clarke had spotted a drone on her way through the store, and when she pointed it out to Raven, the girl lost her shit. That should be a good gift for the girl.

For her parents, however, she was a little stumped. She had never been particularly close with her mother, and she felt that giving up her life to be with her was a good enough present, but that seemed a little shallow.

Her dad, being the engineer he was, would be easy to find a present for. She had decided to get him a good set of tools and some new notebooks and sketching pencils. Clarke, being an artist at heart, always had a good eye for that kind of stuff anyway.

“Err, let’s go to the mall,” Clarke concluded.

“Weren’t you just there earlier?” her brother complained.

“I couldn’t get stuff for my friends right in front of them,” Clarke reasoned. He just shrugged, obviously seeing Clarke’s point before driving to the mall. 

The ride was fast, and they arrived quite quickly. They exited the vehicle together and made their way through their store. Clarke got the outfit for Octavia first, then the stuff for her father, and actually managed to find something for her mother. It was nothing much, but she decided on a cut cat stuffed animal, knowing her siblings would get the joke while her mother would simply think it was cute.

“You are so petty, Clarke,” her brother chuckled when he saw her reach for the cat plushie.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t want to get her one too,” she argued, and he nodded while chuckling. Clarke laughed along with him while looking for cards and candies for her teachers.

“Who’s the food for?” he asked.

“A couple teachers,” she answered vaguely.

“Why?” he asked.

“They helped me settle in. Without them, I wouldn’t be where I am. Hell, if it weren’t for one of them,” Clarke blushed suddenly at the memory, and her brother didn’t miss it, “I’d be dead right now.”

“Explain,” he prompted.

“Well, I jumped into a ri-”

“Not what I meant,” he smirked while cutting her off. Clarke tilted her head curiously at her brother, asking for him to elaborate. “The teacher. You blushed,” he added, watching Clarke’s cheeks heat up again. 

“Please tell me you don’t have a crush on your teacher, Clarke,” he sighed quietly. 

“Shhh!” she scolded, “I- I don’t know. You can’t tell anyone.”

“I would never,” he said seriously while putting his hands on her shoulders comfortingly, “just be careful. I don’t want you to get your heart broken. And please, for the love of God, don’t get the teacher in any trouble. You at least owe her that for saving your life.” He chuckled at the end. He was obviously trying to make light of the situation, and Clarke appreciated it.

Surprisingly, her brother pulled her into a tight hug, and Clarke felt the familiar feeling of tears forming in her eyes. It was one of those fierce hugs that tells you the person giving it to you loves you more than life itself, and Clarke didn’t have the words for how much she needed it.

“It’s so confusing,” she admitted to her brother when she finally pulled away from his comforting grasp. 

“I can imagine,” he chuckled, “tell me about her.”

Clarke’s face lit up at an opportunity to finally let it all out. She had been bottling her feelings up and not really dealing with them. Hell, she hadn’t even really noticed she had been falling for her history teacher until her brother mentioned it; it explained a lot. 

She ranted about the teacher, and her brother smiled at her comments while they continued browsing for items for the teachers. Once they had enough stuff, Clarke concluded her vent, and her brother patted her shoulder. “You’ve got it bad,” is all he said before helping Clarke carry out their now paid for stuff. 

“No shit, Sherlock,” she rolled her eyes. She had made the same observation when she noted her behavior. She realized her heart skipped a beat at the mention of the teacher, and that she felt she could talk about the woman all day if she had the opportunity. She was simply that enticing. Intriguing. Mysterious. 

The rest of their ride home was quiet, her brother processing what she had spilled to him at the mall. Truthfully, her brother wasn’t happy about the situation, but he saw how happy it made Clarke. He worried for her. The odds of the teacher breaking her heart were high, and he worried how long it would take for Clarke to bounce back, if she did. 

When they finally arrived home, Clarke snuck all her items into her room with the help of her brother. She had hidden her siblings thing’s in her mom’s room, so they wouldn’t find their gifts early. 

That night, Clarke was, again, next to her two sisters, humming them to sleep. She had thought about a life about her siblings and decided that it was not a life she wanted to live. 

Clarke herself had almost fallen into a deep sleep when she got a message from Octavia. 

**Octagon:**

_There’s a party tomorrow night. You in_

**Lady Griff:**

_So in!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright peeps, I'm torn. I'm not sure if I should really write a Christmas chapter. I feel like it could be important for the family building of the story, but at the same time, I feel like it will be really slow and emotional to write. Anyway, leave some feedback for me as always, and I'll see you guys soon with a new update!


	7. I'm So Fucked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke, Octavia, and Raven go to the party, and Clarke encounters someone unexpected in her inebriated state.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so everyone's aware, I'm not a hair and makeup kind of gal, so Clarke's hair is her season 1-2 hairstyle, Raven has her hair up like usual, and Octavia is wearing the hairstyle she had for season 3 (like 3x09). As far as makeup, I tried to explain it, but if it makes no sense, get creative.

The next morning, Clarke woke to an empty bed. Christmas is in two days, and her mom had mentioned taking her siblings out for some last minute shopping. She rolled herself out of bed before making her way downstairs

When she made it downstairs, she found her father and Wells discussing things over coffee. She didn’t really bother paying attention to their conversation though because she assumed it was probably related to her father’s job.

“Hey, Dad?” she cut in. 

“Yes, sweety?”

“Can I go to a party tonight?” she asked. She figured she’d have better results from asking her father, and it seemed that her mother wasn’t home anyway.

“Alone?” he asked while raising an eyebrow curiously.

“Raven and Octavia invited me,” she filled him in.

“Then I suppose you can go. Keep your phone on you and be responsible,” he told her sternly with a smile on his face.

“Thanks Dad,” she smiled back before going to her room to brush her teeth. 

**Birdie:**

_When does this party start_

**Octagon:**

_5 hours. Meet at mine in 3, Griff_

**Lady Griff:**

_I’ll be there_

With her three hours to herself, Clarke mentally prepared herself. In her whole life, she had never once been to a party before. The few friends she had at her old school were quite introverted and preferred to stay at home. Clarke, on the other hand, had always had a more wildside. 

3 hours later, Clarke had her brother drop her off at Octavia’s after being sent the address. When she exited the car, she barely had time to breath before Raven was pulling her into the house.

All things considered, the house looked nice. It was decent sized, especially for only two people. However, Clarke didn’t miss how messy the interior is. Raven continued dragging her through the house, occasionally apologizing for the mess. 

“There she is!” Octavia exclaimed when Raven threw Clarke into the room in front of her. 

“Here she is,” Clarke said blankly while looking around the room. It exuded tomboy vibes which Clarke had somewhat expected. There were posters of rock bands, the walls were painted a dark gray, and almost everything was a fairly dark color. Though, the room also had, what clarke hoped was, fake swords on display as well as, hopefully, fake armor. 

“What are you guys wearing?” Clarke asked after glancing around the room. 

Both girls smiled excitedly before showing off the outfits they picked out. Octavia had chosen a simple purple dress that, oddly, complimented her quite well while Raven had chosen a tight-fitting red dress. Clarke wolf-whistled at the two of them, showing her agreement with their fashion choice.

“Now, what do I wear?” Clarke asked with a light chuckle. She had completely forgotten to pick something out, not that her wardrobe had many options for such an event. 

“Well, I was going to give it to you for Christmas… but I feel like now is better timing,” Raven sprinted to her designated room in the house before returning with the dress Raven bought her at the mall the previous day. 

“Hell yeah!” Octavia exclaimed her agreement. 

“Fine. Whatever,” Clarke huffed. She really didn’t have much else to wear anyway, and she agreed that the dress fit her nicely. She walked into a closet to put the dress on, and with much struggle, she managed to get it on by herself. She exited the closet -there’s a gay joke in there somewhere- Octavia and Raven squealed their happiness.

“It’s perfect,” Octavia smiled.

“Agreed. You’re gonna go from the bottom to the top ever night,” Raven winked. 

Clarke caught onto the fact that Raven was referring to her social status at school. Most people considered her a loser, she knew that, but she appreciated Raven not pointing it out. Raven was also, obviously, implying that she’d be popular after the party which Clarke both highly doubted and definitely didn’t want. She strongly disliked being the center of attention. Hence the small friend groups. 

“Alright. I’m on hair. Rae’s got makeup… Clarke’s got… I don’t know. Clarke, what do you got?” Octavia stumbled over her words slightly, realizing she didn’t know what Clarke could do to help them get ready. 

“I’ll do makeup and Raven can drive,” Clarke offered.

“Why can’t you drive?” Raven asked. 

“I’m not good behind the wheel,” Clarke admitted sheepishly.

“You have a license though, right?” Octavia asked.

“Yes, I just prefer to avoid driving when possible. It makes me anxious,” Clarke explained.

“Understandable. Alright, I’m driving, and Clarkie’s got makeup,” Raven revised Octavia’s previous statement. 

They started with hair to get it out of people’s faces before makeup. Raven got hers done first. She decided on a simple ponytail, so it didn’t take long. Next up was Clarke who decided she wanted some of her hair pinned back with two strands out around her face. Lastly, Octavia managed to braid her own hair, fairly intricately, much to Clarke’s surprise. 

Next up, Clarke began working on makeup. This time, she started with Octavia. She did a simple smokey eye with lip-colored lip gloss. Raven had a similar look except her lip gloss was a darker shade of red to match her dress. For Clarke herself, she used a bronze colored eyeshadow to bring out her azure eyes, a thin line of eyeliner, again for her eyes, and a light-colored lip gloss. 

“Alright. Let’s get movin’!” Raven cheered as she grabbed keys off the kitchen counter on the way out. All three girls slipped on fairly short heels before making their way to Octavia’s car. 

The ride to the party was fun but ultimately short lived. They had blasted music on the way there, trying to get into a party mood, before arriving at the desired location. When they finally did arrive, Clarke found herself admitting to the duo, “I’ve never been to a party before.”

“Well I’ll be damned! I had you pegged as a party girl for sure,” Raven said, seeming a little down by her mistaken judge of character. 

“Don’t worry, we won’t let you drift too far on your own,” Octavia promised.

“Unless you want us to,” Raven added with a wink, causing everyone to burst into fits of laughter as they entered the house where the party was held. 

The house itself was huge, like someone rich owned it, and it was packed with people. All of them were from her school, of course, and she suddenly felt extremely self-conscious. Her first thought was that she needed alcohol.

Clarke really didn’t drink much; she tended to be overly responsible. However, everyone is bound to look to some way to cope in situations like this, and Clarke chose alcohol. She had had alcohol before, and she knew she was not a lightweight. Long story short, a few drinks to calm her nerves should still leave her sober enough to function normally.

It didn’t find her long to find some alcohol, and she hesitantly brought it to her nose to smell. “What are you doing?” Octavia asked her.

“I don’t know this people,” Clarke shrugged, “Some sick fuck could’ve drugged it.”

Octavia just shrugged. Truthfully, the teen had never thought of that, and she mentally chastised herself for never being more careful in the party scene. She had always considered herself a careful and responsible person. 

After deeming it safe, Clarke took a long swig for the drink, scrunching her nose up at the taste, before offering it to Octavia who gladly accepted the offer. “Not much of a drinker, huh?” Octavia asked curiously.

“Not usually,” she admitted, “but it takes the edge off.”

“Just don’t black out,” Octavia teased.

“Don’t worry,” Clarke smirked, “I’m no light weight.”

After their conversation, Clarke walked off to mingle a bit. If she was going to be at a party, she may as well act social. Very few people were willing to talk with her, but many people offered to dance with her. 

One particularly nice looking guy asked her for a dance, and she agreed. The dance quickly turned rather sensual, and the guy ended up getting a little ahead of himself as he kissed Clarke’s neck suggestively. 

Of course, Clarke rounded on the guy and shoved him rather aggressively, getting the message across. She admits that she might’ve confused the guy by dancing with him in the first place, but she simply just wanted to dance. Nothing more, and nothing less. She smiled apologetically at the guy before going back to the kitchen for more alcohol.

She spent the next few hours partying with alcohol, and she was pretty tipsy. Drinking alcohol like it’s juice for hours does that to someone. “You okay, Party Girl Griff,” Raven slurred, seeing Clarke finally succumbing to the symptoms of being drunk.

“Better than you,” she teased through laughter, and Raven nodded her agreement. She knew she was trashed. 

After that, Clarke decided to lay off the alcohol a bit and eat something to help absorb it and sober up. She hadn’t planned on returning home that night once she had realized she was gonna be pretty trashed, and she knew the person throwing the party didn't mind people crashing for the night. She sent a quick message to her parents a few hours ago, updating them on her condition and the fact that she wouldn’t be returning home that night.

It took a while, but Clarke eventually found some pizza and ate a few slices before returning to the “dance floor.” She had found Raven there, and they ended up dancing together. The dance was slightly sensual, but they were both at least tipsy, and neither was fazed by it. 

Clarke bounced back and forth between people for a while before inevitably returning to the kitchen to find some alcohol. She ended up drinking a lot more than intended, and she knew she was definitely drunk by now.

“Rae!” she yelled when she saw her friend passing her nearby. 

“Mhm,” she hummed through her drunken state.

“I’m going outside for a bit. I need some air,” she told the girl, so she wouldn’t worry about her whereabouts. The girl simply nodded before walking off.

Clarke then made her way outside and gasped when the fresh air hit her lungs. She had been inside the crowded, stuffy building for so long she hadn’t realized how much she was suffocating from the thick air. It was surprising she hadn’t freaked out about it either. 

After much debate, she ended up walking the neighborhood, a bottle of alcohol in her hand for the trip. The logical side of her screamed that this was a bad idea, but the drunk her that clouded the logical side told her that it would be fun and enjoyable. So, she did it. 

\----------------------------------

Lexa had been cooped up in her house for too long. She couldn’t take it anymore. She knew her dad wanted her to relax, but there wasn’t a relacing bone in her body. She decided that she’d go for a run.

After much debate, she decided to drive somewhere a little further out this time. She quite enjoyed discovering new areas, especially if they were any good for her hobby of jogging. 

Eventually, she found a rich-looking area that had a large loop. It was probably a mile or two, just what Lexa needed. She parked her car near some of the houses and began her jog after turning on some calming music.

After jogging for a few minutes, she passed a house that appeared to be having a party. There was loud music blasting from inside and multiple people strewn across the front yard while conversing. 

Lexa shook her head in amusement, remembering how a teenage her would’ve probably been passed out on the floor or higher than a kite. She chuckled at the memories. She knew now that she was reckless, but that didn’t make the memories any less amusing to think back on. 

Lexa ran about 10 more minutes before discovering a nice looking park, just what she needed for a break. She slowed her pace and walked to a close bench. When she made it to the bench, she dropped onto it and began breathing somewhat heavily.

As it was a rich area, the park conveniently had a water fountain, and Lexa wasted no time getting some water. She sighed at the taste, noting that it was the fancy water that didn’t taste like actual ass. 

After a few more minutes, she decided to get back to her run. She began running back towards the path when she saw a figure spread on the ground. She noticed from their figure and obvious hair that they were probably female, and Lexa noted that she should probably make sure they’re okay. She shouldn’t be alone this late at night. As sad as it was, it was true. 

“Miss?” Lexa asked as she approached. She looked over the woman and noted that they were probably from the party down the street. She also noticed the bottle of alcohol upright in the girl’s hand, and she shook her head sadly at the girl.

“Miss?” she tried again. She heard the woman babbling to herself, so she knew she was awake. 

“Hmmm?” she hummed, still spread out on the ground.

“Are you alright?” Lexa asked the girl.

“Probably not,” she admitted with a firm, serious nod of the head. 

Lexa chuckled, “Well, at least you’re honest.”

“I’m not quite sure how I got here,” she nodded while looking around as if she were panicked, but her body posture showed that she was calm. 

“How much have you had to drink?” Lexa asked, eyeing the bottle in the girl’s hand.

The girl had yet to look at Lexa, so she didn’t realize that she could see the bottle of alcohol. “What? Drinking? I would never,” she drawled and slurred.

“What’s your name?” Lexa finally asked.

“Uhh,” the girl paused for a moment, “Clarke.”

Lexa froze. It couldn’t be. She looked the girl over. She had blonde hair, that much was obvious from the get go. Now that she was paying attention, the girl did look a lot like her student. “Griffin?” she asked. 

“Hey! How’d you know-” she started asking, but froze when she turned her head to see Lexa. “Miss Woods?” she asked curiously.

Lexa’s suspicions were confirmed. It was indeed Clarke, and that made this situation that much more strange. “Clarke, where are you friends?” she asked. 

“Uhh… Well they were at the party when I left,” Clarke informed her, “but I don’t think I should go back there.” She giggled at her sentiment.

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked.

“Apparently, I’m more drawn to alcohol than I previously thought,” Clarke frowned at the bottle before raising it to her mouth, forgetting that her teacher was watching her. Before it met her mouth, Lexa snatched the bottle and poured it out. “That was expensive,” her frown deepened. 

Despite the situation, she couldn’t stop her brain from thinking about how cute Clarke looked when she frowned. She mentally slapped herself for thinking it, but it didn’t change the fact that Clarke was an undeniably cute drunk. Another thing she couldn't stop thinking about was how she managed to pour out a bottle of alcohol without having a single voice in her head telling her to drink it. _progress._

“You shouldn’t be drinking, Clarke,” Lexa chided.

“I know, but it helped,” she scrunched up her face.

“Helped with what?” Lexa looked at her quizzically before deciding to spread out next to the girl. She was probably going to be here a while. 

“The pain,” the girl said matter-of-factly. Lexa knew she shouldn’t ask more questions while Clarke was drunk. She wanted answers, but she didn’t want to reveal to the girl that she knew things about her because she found her drunk in a park. 

“I know the feeling,” Lexa admitted, knowing Clarke wouldn’t remember in the morning.

“How?” Clarke asked while turning her face to look at the teacher. 

“I had a substance problem as a teenager. Lots of pain too. Lots. Been clean for 6 years now,” Lexa admitted, proud of her accomplishments.

“Damn. That’s impressive,” even drunk Clarke could acknowledge how difficult that must’ve been. “I don’t think I could do that,” she admits after a while.

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked again. 

“Everyone always tells me how strong I am, but don’t they see?” the girl seemed to be growing more upset and emotional, mostly due to the alcohol, “I’m the weakest person out there.” She sighed the last bit and turned away from Lexa.

“I don’t think you’re weak,” Lexa acknowledged truthfully.

“Case in point,” Clarke waved her hand lazily at Lexa, gesturing to the fact that she just proved her point. 

“I don’t think you’re weak,” Lexa reiterated, hoping it would sink in. Truthfully, she thought the girl was one of the strongest people she had ever met, but she wouldn’t admit that to the blonde. 

“Whatever,” Clarke huffed while numbly searching for the alcohol. When she found the bottle, she was sadly surprised when she found it empty. She huffed out a sad sigh before dropping her arms back onto the ground. “I’m tired,” Clarke admitted sleepily.

“Don’t you dare fall asleep on me, Clarke Griffin!” Lexa yelled. She hadn’t realized it until now, but if the girl passed out, Lexa would be put in a difficult position. Leave the girl there, or take her to her place.

Lexa, ever the ethical person, didn’t want to do either. Part of her knew that leaving an unconscious girl alone in a rich neighborhood was asking for trouble, unfortunately. However, another part of her knew that taking the girl to her house would be extremely wrong as well, especially as the girl’s teacher. 

“Good night,” she sighed while closing her eyes. 

“Dammit Griffin!” Lexa yelled after trying, and failing, to shake the girl awake. 

She weighed the options in her mind for a while before deciding that she would take the girl home. She’d much rather the girl wake up safe and confused at her house than alone and confused in the middle of a park.

“Alrighty,” she said while carefully putting her arms under Clarke’s lower legs and the crease in the underside of her knees. In that moment, Lexa was very thankful to be fit and that Clarke was surprisingly light. 

She speed walked the way back to her car, causing the normal walk from 30 minutes to 20. It was hard to carry the girl that long, but Lexa managed. She carefully placed the girl in the passenger seat before buckling her in. “You’re lucky Anya and Luna are out of town,” she huffed when she began driving back to her house. 

Upon her arrival back at her house, she stumbled her way into her house, the blonde in hands while trying to find her way to her own room. She decided on the ride there that she’d put the young girl in her bed and sleep in Anya’s room instead. 

She carefully placed the blonde on the bed, tucking her under the blankets, before going to her kitchen to find aspirin and water for when the girl woke up. She placed them on her bedside table before walking back to Anya’s room, suddenly thankful she ended up jogging where she did.

\------------------------------

Clarke awoke to a throbbing headache. She immediately winced and reached for her head. She groaned slightly before opening her eyes to find an unfamiliar setting. Her eyes widened comically at the realization while her head searched back and forth for some way to recognize where she was. 

“I see you’re awake,” Lexa noted from the doorway.

“Where the hell am I?” Clarke asked from the bed.

“My place,” she informed her.

“Who the hell are you?” Clarke asked, having yet to realize who the girl was.

“Wow, I’m hurt,” she said while approaching Clarke. 

“Miss Woods?” she exclaimed.

“Please, just call me Lexa outside of school,” Lexa groaned at the formal greeting.

“Lexa, huh?” Clarke raised her eyebrows. She had always wondered the first name of her teachers. 

“Mhm,” Lexa hummed while handing Clarke the aspirin and water. 

“You’re a lifesaver!” she exclaimed while downing the pill. “Though, how the fuck did I end up here?” she asked, 

“I found you drunk in a park. Couldn’t just leave ya there. Girl code, right?” Lexa said, justifying her actions to herself more than Clarke.

Clarke smiled, thinking back to when Octavia had said that to her at the skiing trip. “Thanks,” Clarke said simply.

“I made food and coffee. Though, you should probably message your friends and family. I think they’re freaking out,” Lexa said while tilting her head to Clarke’s coat pocket. 

Clarke smiled appreciatively at the teacher before reaching into her pocket. Thankfully, she had no messages from her parents and only ones from her friends.

**Birdie:**

_Where the hell are you?!!!!!_

**Octagon:**

_What the fuck Griffin!_

Clarke smiled apologetically at her friends, not that they could see it, before sending a message to say that she’s safe and that she’ll fill them in later. She wasn’t quite sure how to explain that their teacher found her drunk in the park and taken her to her house. 

Clarke stumbled her way out the room, clutching at her stomach. “Bathroom?” She asked loudly, feeling the urge to puke coming. 

“Down the hall to your left,” Lexa explained while chuckling.

“It’s not funny,” Clarke huffed while sprinting to the bathroom. She barely made it in time to puke her guts out. She sighed, feeling a little better with some of the alcohol out of her system. 

“Coffee, food, or both?” Lexa startled her from the doorway.

“I feel like we meet like this too often,” Clarke noted.

“Like what?” Lexa asked curiously.

“With me puking my guts out,” Clarke chuckled.

“It is what it is,” Lexa shrugged.

“Coffee would be nice,” Clarke answers Lexa’s previous question, “I might just puke out whatever I try to eat.”

Lexa nodded in understanding before walking to the kitchen and returning with coffee for Clarke. She handed it to the blonde who drank it like her life depended on it. “Thank you,” Clarke smiled at her appreciatively.

“I wouldn’t thank me yet,” Lexa said, sounding somewhat apologetic about what she was about to do.

“Oh I’m so fucked,” she mumbled, suddenly remembering that this was her teacher. Her teacher who found her severely wasted in a park as an underage teenager. “So you see-” she tried to defend herself.

“Really, I should call your parents,” Lexa started.

“They know,” Clarke shrugged.

“They know that you drink?” Lexa sounded confused.

“Well, they expected it, and I’m usually more responsible about it,” she grimaced at her momentary lack of responsibility. 

“Still, I really should call the police since I now know for sure that party had underage people drinking alcohol,” Lexa said. She grimaced slightly, knowing that she was not going to do either of these things, against her better judgement.

Clarke just sighed in defeat. She knew the teacher was right, but she really didn’t want to get herself, or anyone else, in trouble. They just wanted to have a good time, and a moment away from the pressures of high school, especially Senior year. 

“-but I’m not going to,” Lexa finished her earlier sentiment.

Clarke just gaped at the girl, “Thank you,” she thanked the teacher again.

“You thank people too quickly,” Lexa sighed, “I’m not finished yet.”

“Well fuck,” the girl sighed while leaning her head back onto the bathroom wall. 

“You’re going to spend the next two months in detention with me,” Lexa decided.

“Two months!” The girl exclaimed, almost jumping up into the air before remembering that her stomach was still churning. 

“It’s not for punishment,” Lexa clarified, “It’s to help.”

“Bullshit,” Clarke huffed, obviously not happy with the arrangement.

“That or I can call the cops,” Lexa said. She felt a little bad about giving the girl an ultimatum, but she knew it had to be done. Truthfully, after the girl’s drunken admission of being in pain, Lexa couldn’t stop herself from wanting to help, and this was the only way she could think of doing it. 

“Fine. Whatever,” Clarke sighed, again knowing there was no way to win this. 

“Good. Now, why don’t you join me for breakfast before I drop you off at your house,” Lexa smiled as if nothing happened. Clarke, however, was outraged at the woman's audacity. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Clarke and Lexa have to spend the next two months together after school. Alone. Talking about feelings. This is gonna get good XD


	8. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa share a tense breakfast, Clarke and her mother argue (a lot), Wells comforts Clarke as well as Raven and Octavia. This chapter might be a little heavy for some, but there's not any mentions of like depression or abuse or anything, just a little emotionally draining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, this chapter was kinda fun to right. It's heavy, but I enjoyed it. There's a little of relationship building -and breaking- so be prepared. Enjoy!

“Good. Now, why don’t you join me for breakfast before I drop you off at your house?” Miss Woods smiled. Clarke’s face grew an obvious 4 shades darker. Not because she was flustered or embarrassed. She was angry. She was angry that her teacher had the audacity to force her into such a choice. Either get punished legally or punished academically. It was an easy choice, but it was a mean choice. 

“Sure,” Clarke grimaced through gritted teeth, and Lexa didn’t miss the obvious anger boiling in the teen. “Wait,” Clarke stopped her as she was about to walk into the kitchen, “Don’t Miss Forest and Miss Rivers live with you?”

“Usually, but they’re on vacation with family,” Lexa answered earnestly while setting up plates of food.

“And you’re not?” Clarke raised a suspicious eye at her teacher. 

“No, I’m not,” Lexa confirmed, not giving any more information to the blonde than necessary.

“You’re spending Christmas alone?” Clarke’s tone shifted from angry to sad. No one deserved to spend Christmas alone. Not even her teacher who had given her an ultimatum. Suddenly, Clarke was happy she had gotten the teacher a gift, no matter how small. 

Lexa simply shrugged while sitting down and waving her hand towards a plate she set up for the blonde. “Not to be rude, but I’m not hungry,” Clarke said while sitting down and gently pushing the food away from her. She genuinely had not meant to be rude, but the smell of food was enough to make her nauseous. 

“Understandable,” Lexa nodded, “You know, there’s a reason you’re not supposed to drink until 21.”

“Funny,” Clarke wrinkled her nose at the woman sarcastically, and maybe a little snappy. 

“You know,” Lexa started playfully. If the girl was going to be a complete ass to her, she could mess with her a bit, “you’re a funny drunk.”

Clarke groaned dramatically, “Can we not go there.”

“Oh, we’re going there,” Lexa said.

“Nope. I’m walking home now,” Clarke got up out of her seat. 

“I wouldn’t recommend,” Lexa yelled from her seat at the dining room table while her student collected her minimal things from the room.

“And why not?” Clarke asked when she re-entered the room.

“You have no clue where you are. No clue how to get back,” Lexa pointed out.

“Oh, fuck off,” Clarke huffed while dropping onto the dining room chair again. 

“You know, must teenagers have the wits not to swear in front of their teachers,” Lexa raised her eyebrows at the girl.

“I already have detention for two months,” she shrugged while glaring accusingly at the older brunette, “how much worse could it get.”

Lexa tilted her head to the side, agreeing with what Clarke said. “To be clear, this is not a punishment,” she reiterated.

“Sure as hell feels like a punishment,” Clarke huffed.

“It’s not,” Lexa argued.

“If it weren’t, it would be optional, and you wouldn’t call it ‘detention’,” Clarke pointed out. 

“Your actions have consequences,” Lexa shrugged.

“No shit. I’m feeling them right now,” she said while rubbing her head and scrunching her face at the pain in her stomach. 

“I meant more serious consequences, but that too,” Lexa said as she finished her meal. “Alright, let’s get you home,” Lexa said while grabbing her keys. 

“Thank God,” Clarke sighed, “no offense.”

“Oh, I think you meant to offend, but you didn’t,” Lexa said rather arrogantly.

Clarke just shrugged, somewhat admitting that she had intended to offend the older woman, but can you blame her? Her teacher has been nothing but an ass since she woke up. Even with a killer headache and churning stomach, she could find the strength to be petty.

On the ride, Clarke was completely silent. She had neither the energy nor the where-with-all to address her teacher in any way that was not rude. Despite how angry it was, the teacher did save her from possibly being raped in a park, so she at least owed her being civil. 

“Thanks,” Clarke muttered when she got dropped off at her house.

“Nice house,” Lexa noted.

“Thanks,” Clarke said again. 

“Have a good day,” the teacher said, and she sounded sincere which surprised Clarke.

“Yeah. You too,” she said, confused while waving to the older woman. 

When Clarke re-entered her home, she was instantly jumped by Madi. “Hey Madi!” Clarke exclaimed excitedly. Despite her hungover state, she was excited to see her youngest sister. 

“Abby said I can stay here with you!” Madi exclaimed. 

“That’s amazing!” Clarke exclaimed, nearly in tears. As much as Clarke had wanted Madi to stay put and not have to feel the strain of a move, she knew what it felt like to lose her rock, and she didn’t want Madi to lose hers. 

“I have to go back with them after winter break though,” she frowned.

“When are you coming back?” I asked while looking to my mom in case Madi didn’t have an answer. 

“I think they said mid January,” Madi scrunched her face up in uncertainty. Clarke looked to her mom for an answer. When she nodded, Clarke smiled at her younger sister and adjusted her so she sat on her hip. Despite her age, Madi still loved being carried around, and Clarke had no problem doing it. She knew she shouldn’t coddle her, but she couldn’t help it. 

After a few seconds of hugging, she placed her sister on the ground, and she ran around celebrating for a few moments. Once she finally calmed, she plopped herself onto the couch, directly on top of Clarke. Clarke gagged a little, but managed to keep herself from vomiting everywhere. Her little sister didn’t need to see how undeniably hung over she was, but that didn’t mean her parents missed it. 

“Clarke?” her mother asked while beckoning her to her. Clarke rolled her eyes subtly while gently getting up and talking to her mom.

“Are you really as drunk as you look?” she narrowed her eyes at her daughter.

“Oh no, we’re not doing this,” Clarke turned away from her mother. She had no right to talk to Clarke like she suddenly cared. 

“Your father told you to be responsible and you go out and get drunk to the point of being hung over,” her mom scolded in a hushed whisper, probably trying not to let her youngest daughter hear the conversation. 

“Don’t even with me,” Clarke shook her head while biting her lip in a bitter smile, “We’re not doing this.”

“Yes, we are,” she grabbed her daughter’s wrist and pulled her back to her. 

“I said, we’re not doing this!” Clarke raised her voice at her mother before storming off. When she got to her room, she silently pointed for Charlotte to get out, and her younger sister easily obeyed. Clarke very rarely got angry, but when she did, you did not want to be present. 

Clarke slammed the door and slammed onto her bed. She buried her face in her pillow and began crying softly. She was so tired. Tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of fighting. She just wanted the world to stop spinning for three seconds, so she could have a moment to breathe.

After a few moments, Clarke finally got herself together, she heard a light knock on her door. “Go away mom!” Clarke yelled.

“It’s not mom,” she heard her brother’s voice.

“Come in,” she said. She tried to sound like she had herself together, but the second she recognized her brother’s voice, hers turned sad and defeated.

“What going on,” he said while sitting down and placing his hand on Clarke’s lower back comfortingly. 

“It’s just… a lot,” she said, not really wanting to get into the details of it. 

“I’ve got time,” he said while rubbing small circles on her back. 

Clarke turned her head to the side, so it was no longer buried in the pillow. “Do I have to?” she groaned.

“Yes. C’mon, talk to me,” he seemed so concerned and sincere that Clarke immediately found herself spilling her guts, figuratively this time. 

“I just, she’s so much. She’s barely here and she has the audacity to tell me off. Not to mention, she’s kind of the reason I was drinking. Bottom line, she had no right,” Clarke summarized. 

“Is she the problem or you?” he asked.

“What the fuck?” she exclaimed while turning over to face him.

“Really. She’s trying. She worries. That means she’s gotta care. She’s trying and you’re pushing her away. So, is it really her fault?” her brother asked.

“Yes. Yes it is,” she huffed. She could see where her brother was coming from, but she knew she was justified. Her mother had been absent 90% of her life, and suddenly she cares? No fucking way. It’s unbelievable, and it’s not going to happen.

“I get what you mean, but I remember a time when she was completely absorbed with you. When you were born, she dropped everything for you. It wasn’t until after Charlotte that she became so aloof. You just don’t remember it,” her brother told her.

“Still. She wasn’t there when it mattered. For any of us,” she said sternly. Clarke knew she would never forgive her mother, if only for that specific reason. She had left Clarke, her siblings, and her father to fend for themselves as far as relationships go. Clarke was forced -and though she ultimately chose- to become a mother at age nine. No one should be forced into that position. Maybe that’s why she was so mad at her teacher?

Her teacher had essentially given her the same “choice but not a choice” question. At the end of the day, it was an easy choice to make, but it was not one she wanted to, nor one she should’ve had to, make. Maybe the teacher forcing her into another choice like that set something off in the blonde teen, but she’d never admit it, despite the truth behind it. 

“Okay. Maybe you have a point, again,” he nodded with a smile, “but she’s trying now. She’s trying.” With his final words, he patted Clarke’s leg before exiting her room. She stayed like that, laying on her back and staring at the ceiling, for a few hours before someone knocked on her door again. “Who is it?” she asked.

“Mom,” the voice answered honestly.

“Go away,” Clarke said firmly.

She heard no footsteps, only a thump on the ground and another bang on the door. “I’m here,” she heard her mother whisper quietly. 

“Did I or did I not say to go away!” Clarke yelled, frustrated by her mother. Truth was, she was overwhelmed. After all this time of her mother never wanting to spend time with her and never being there, she suddenly appears and just says “I’m here.” It’s such bullshit! However, Clarke would never admit that it made her heart soar. 

There was no answer. No response. No movement. They left it that way. Clarke sat on her bed, silently staring at the door. Abby sat on the floor silently, eyes closed. It wasn’t until Clarke finally opened the door that Abby walked away. She had sat there the whole three hours without speaking. That alone, made Clarke feel loved, however, she’s not that naive. It’s going to take a lot more work than that for forgiveness, and she hopes Abby knows that. 

After a few minutes of moping around, trying to find something to do, she eventually gave in and texted her friends.

**Lady Griff:**

_Are you two busy_

**Bridie:**

_Nope just waiting or you to tell us where the hell you went last night_

**Lady Griff:**

_Be there in 10_

**Birdie:**

_You don’t have a car…_

**Lady Griff:**

_No shit Im walking_

Clarke felt a little bad for snapping at her friend, but she was in an all around bad mood. Yesterday had been shit, this morning was shit, and she has a feeling the afternoon and evening won’t be much better. 

10 minutes later, Clarke knocked on her friend’s door and was immediately invited into the house. She was dragged to their bedroom and sat down on the bed where the two girls joined her, waiting for a story. 

“Well, I got drunk off my ass and walked to a park near the party where I spilled my guts to our history teacher, none of which I remember, and now she’s forcing me to go to detention for two months,” Clarke explained simply.

“Holy shit,” Raven muttered. 

“That’s a little extreme,” Octavia mumbled. 

“I know right! Apparently I mumbled something stupid in my drunken state and now she feels obligated to help me,” Clarke rolled her eyes. 

“Sounds like Miss Woods,” Octavia nodded. 

Raven nodded and Clarke fell back onto the bed. “Still. That doesn’t answer where you were last night,” Raven pointed out.

“Well,” Clarke bit her lip. How do you tell your friends you spent the night at a teacher’s house? She could lie and say she went somewhere else… but she has no other friends. Plus, they wouldn’t believe any other answers.

“Spit it out,” Octavia scolded. 

“Miss Woods kinda took me to her house,” Clarke trailed off.

“What the fuck!” they both exclaimed at the same time. 

“Apparently she has a guilty conscience and claims that she couldn’t just leave me unconscious in a park,” Clarke explained. For some reason, she felt the need to protect the teacher.

“Well, you could always blackmail her out of your detention,” Raven raised her eyebrows a few times to get her point across.

“Miss Forest and Miss Rivers were on vacation without her?” Octavia asked.

“Mhm, and I wouldn’t do that to her Rae,” Clarke told them.

“Why not?” Raven asked.

“Because, she did save me from endless possibilities. Do you know what happens to girls when they pass out in the middle of nowhere? Nothing good,” Clarke finished. 

“Fair enough, but I made a good point,” Raven said.

“Sure. You did,” Clarke nodded sarcastically, and all three girls started laughing. 

“Oh yeah! Then my mom had the audacity to get mad at me for being drunk off my ass when I got home,” Clarke huffed at the memory. 

“Wasn’t she absent like 90% of your life?” Raven asked.

“Mhm,” Clarke hummed her confirmation.

Raven huffed, “She had no right.”

“Exactly!” Clarke said while throwing her hands up in the air. “Oh, and it gets better!” Clarke continued to complain, “When I stormed off, she had the audacity to sit outside my bedroom door for 3 hours after saying ‘I’m here’.”

“That’s stupid,” Octavia agreed.

“Exactly! Like bitch, you haven’t been here for the last,” she looked at her father’s watch on her wrist as if she were checking the time, “17 and a half years!”

All the girls started cackling, despite the sadness that hung in the room. It was nice to laugh again. Clarke decided she wanted to do it more, and these two girls made her laugh a lot. 

“This might be weird, but I love you guys,” Clarke admitted once their laughter died down.

“Awwe, we love you too, Clarkie,” Raven cooed while hugging Clarke, quickly followed by Octavia. The girls fell onto the bed in a cuddle pile, and they had to laugh at the situation.

“I… Can’t… breathe,” Clarke complained after laughing for a while. Being at the bottom of a cuddle pile has its downfalls. 

“Sorryyyyy,” the girls apologized unapologetically. 

“Are you guys hungry?” Octavia asked.

“Fucking starving!” Raven and Clarke yelled in sync, causing the two to chuckle.

“What should we order?” Octavia asked. 

All the girls looked at each other before exclaiming, “Chinese!” causing them all to laugh at just how in sync they really were.

A few minutes later, the delivery guy showed up and the girls greedily grabbed the food while paying the guy. He chuckled at their overeagerness before taking the money and leaving.

It took the girls all of about 15 minutes to wolf down all the food they bought, adn by the end of it they were all groaning because they ate too much. “Guys,” Clarke said, despite the feeling of an oncoming food coma.

“Mhm,” the girls grunted.

“Tomorrow is Christmas eve,” Clarke pointed out.

“Hell yeah!” they exclaimed, then immediately regretted it as they felt the food in their stomachs shift around. 

“Are you guys gonna be lonely here?” Clarke asked curiously.

“Nah. My brother’s coming back with one of his Military friends, so we’ll be fine. We can meet up this Friday though. You can finally meet my brother,” Octavia said while nudging Clarke in the side. 

“Oooo,” Raven drawled.

“What are you implying, Reyes,” Octavia narrowed her eyes at her sister.

“Nothing. Nothing,” Raven put her hands up in surrender, but the smirk on her face showed that she had something in mind.

“What is it, Rae,” Octavia tried again.

“I heard the Army people are hot,” Raven raised her eyes suggestively at Octavia.

“Shut up! My brother’s in the Army,” she fake gagged. 

All the girls laughed for a few minutes before calling it a night. It was around 9pm and Clarke knew she had to get back to help Madi sleep. Octavia had offered her a ride, but Clarke claimed she had to walk off all the calories she probably gained from their meal. The two girls chuckled about it before Clarke finally exited the house and began her walk home. 

Upon her return home, her mother was the first to approach her. “We need to talk,” her mom said.

“Like hell we do,” Clarke snapped at her before walking off.

“Clarke Abigail Griffin, get back here right now,” her mother said sternly.

Clarke, having never heard her mom call her by her full name, froze. Her siblings and father froze as well. Abby never referred to them by their full names. Never. So, Clarke complied to her mother’s wishes and walked back to the older woman.

“You can’t just drink your feelings away,” she scolded. 

“If it makes you feel better, I’ve already been punished,” Clarke said before realizing that she definitely couldn’t tell her mom that she had spent the night at her teacher’s house and that she was spending the next two months in detention.

“Oh really? By whom?” her mother asked.

“The party got busted by a teacher who was jogging in the area. Everyone in the immediate area got detention for two months,” Clarke lied quickly. She had to tell her mom about the detention at some point anyway. Her mother would question why she was constantly home later than usual otherwise.

“Ah. Still, no more parties for a while,” her mother said firmly.

Clarke chuckled bitterly, “Since when do you care what the hell I do with my life.”

“I always have,” her mother said, her tone softening a bit.

“I call bullshit!” Clarke yelled, attracting the attention of the rest of the family, “I packed up my entire life for YOU. Because of YOU, I’m living in an unfamiliar area. Because of YOU, I’ve never felt more alone in my life, and because of YOU, I drink. I drink because it makes me forget how little YOU seem to care.” With that, she turned on her heel, walked calmly to her room, slammed the door, and cried harder than she’s ever cried in her life. Part of her seriously couldn’t believe she just said that to her mother’s face, and the other part couldn’t believe how amazing it felt to get it off her chest. 

There was a soft knock on her door a few minutes later. “Can you please just leave me alone,” she sniffled. 

“You sure? We brought chocolate,” she heard a familiar voice say sweetly.

“Come in,” she whispered, barely loud enough for the people on the other side to hear. 

“Your brother told us what happened. He found your phone and called us from it,” Octavia explained while sitting down and wrapping an arm around her friend’s shoulder. She could see the turmoil in the blonde’s head, and it broke the girl’s heart. She hated seeing her friends in pain. 

“I... I kinda blew up,” Clarke admitted. 

“You did,” Raven nodded her agreement, “but it’s justified.” She joined Octavia in the hug, and the three girls laid on Clarke’s bed, cuddled up together. 

“Shit. I need to get Madi to sleep,” she started getting up. 

“Charlotte did already,” Octavia assured her. 

“Okay,” Clarke whispered while closing her eyes. Today has been emotionally draining, and she was ready for this hell to be over. She’s tired of constantly feeling like she’s falling. Falling on her ass. Falling into a void. Just falling. She’s falling and every sense of the word, and she’s so damn tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, feedback is welcomed and appreciated!


	9. Christmas!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is pretty self explanatory, but Clarke and Lexa celebrate Christmas with those who matter most before they go back to the hell that is school

“Clarke!” Clarke felt someone shaking her awake.

“Too early,” she groaned. She had spent the previous night awake both preparing for Christmas and wondering how the hell Christmas would go. Her and her mom had yet to talk since their fight, and everyone was walking on eggshells around them. She wondered if they’d have to have separate Christmas’ just to make sure she and her mother didn’t fight again. 

“Get up, Clarke! It’s Christmas!” Now, she recognized the voice, and it was Madi. She figured she could find the energy to get up… Only for her sister though. 

“Okay okay I’m up!” Clarke said while sitting up.

“C’mon! Everyone else is awake,” Madi urged her.

“I’m coming,” Clarke said while getting up. She quickly brushed her teeth and made her way downstairs. She froze when her eyes connected with her mother, however her mother was not looking at her. Her mother was, quite obviously, ignoring her which, truthfully, didn’t help her cause. She was seriously just proving Clarke’s point. 

Everyone sat around the tree and they began passing presents around the room. The overall mood of the room was quite warm, cozy even, but that all changed when Abby offered a gift to Clarke. 

“I- uh… I got these the other day,” she said while handing an envelope to her daughter. 

Everyone was quiet while Clarke opened it, and she gasped when she saw it’s contents. There was a letter, but it looked old, as if it had been written many years ago, as well as a small piece of paper. Clarke pulled out the small piece of paper and choked back a sob when she realized it was a plane ticket… Back to D.C. with her siblings and father. 

The room was deathly silent. No one dares speak. Even Madi seemed to realize that now was not the time to tell everyone that there were still presents under the tree. Now was not the time to ask what Clarke had in her hand. Now was not the time to mess with such a fragile moment.

“Mom-” Clarke choked out.

“No, I got the message loud and clear,” her mom said firmly, “I’m sorry I put you in this position, but there’s your way out. Please, just read the letter first, or don’t read it at all I guess. I just want you to have it.”

“I- I’m not leaving, Mom,” Clarke said firmly. Yes, a part of her was ecstatic to find a ticket home in that envelope, but she also, somehow, felt no urge to leave. She truly had built herself something here. She had friends, and Madi was supposed to stay, so she’d have some semblance of family. 

And, despite how aloof her mother always was, she didn’t want to leave her. Part of her still craved her mother’s love, affection, and attention, as silly as it was. She wanted to be a good person, for her mom. She wanted to be better, for her mom. She wanted… She wanted to be anything she needed to be for her mom to show some semblance of love towards her, and it’s pathetic. It’s pathetic, but it’s what’s keeping her from running to the hills. 

“You’re not happy, Clarke. I want you to be happy,” Abby said firmly.

Clarke chuckled out a bitter laugh before shaking her head and biting her lip. If only she realized the only thing keeping Clarke from being happy is Abby’s lack of attention. Anytime any of her children had a problem, Abby threw her money at it, and this was just proof that Abby had no intentions of changing without being called out on it. However, Clarke had the decency to wait until it was just her and her mom to do that. Instead, she kept it together while they handed out the rest of their gifts. 

Clarke had received lots of art supplies and school related stuff, not that she minded. She actually quite enjoyed her gifts. It turns out, Octavia had apparently left her gift for her when she showed up the other day, and she had gotten Clarke a life jacket. Clarke had busted out laughing at the joke, obviously referring to how she drowned only a few days ago. It was strange to realize a few days ago, she had been dead, but she quite enjoyed being alive. 

Her family had given her weird looks until she reminded them that she’d drowned. Then, they all started laughing with her, agreeing that the joke, though it may have been a little soon, was hilarious nonetheless. 

“Can I go to Octavia’s to drop off her gifts?” Clarke asked her family after they had finished handing out gifts. She had asked the other day, and Octavia told her that she could come around 1pm to drop her gifts off. She even said Clarke was welcome to stay, and given the circumstance, she might.

“Sure, sweety, go ahead,” her father answered.

She nodded and ran upstairs to put all her stuff away and locate her gifts for Raven and Octavia. She gently placed the envelope of stuff from her mother in her bedside drawer. Clarke knew she was not ready for whatever was in the envelope. Whatever it said, would break her in some way, and in her current state, she couldn’t deal with that. 

Once she had the gifts, she asked her brother to drive her, and he agreed, knowing she has a problem with driving. The drive was silent, and Clarke was thankful for it. She couldn’t take much more from her family unless it was Madi. Maybe Charlotte, but she didn’t need anymore condescending talk from the older people in her life. She nodded her thanks to her brother when he dropped, and he smiled kindly at her. 

Clarke tentatively knocked on her friend’s door and was pleasantly surprised when she was pulled into a hug by Octavia. “Hey, Clarkie,” she said while messing with the girl’s hair a bit. 

Clarke just shook it off, fixed her hair, and followed Octavia into the room. She was surprised when she found two nice-looking guys in the living room. She assumed they were Octavia’s brother and his friend. They exchanged pleasantries before everyone relaxed. Surprisingly, the mood of the room was rather calm and relaxed which was a nice change from the tense, somewhat warm, vibe in Clarke’s house. Though, she only had herself to blame for it. 

“Here,” Clarke smiled while offering her gifts to her friends. 

“Did you like my gift?” Octavia smirked. 

“Yes,” Clarke chuckled, “It gave everyone a good laugh.”

“Good. You guys probably needed it,” Raven added while pulling the bigger box to her.

“Hey! Why is Rae’s so big?” Octavia complained. 

“It’s not about size, Octavia,” Clarke rolled her eyes, “Yours was actually more expensive.”

“Really,” she squealed excitedly while ripping open the wrapping paper. “Holy shit!” she screamed when she opened it and saw the outfit she wanted, “This thing cost a fortune!” 

“I have my ways,” Clarke smirked.

“Do tell,” Raven raised an eyebrow at the girl, obviously not expecting Clarke’s answer.

“There’s benefits to having a rich, aloof Mom,” Clarke said nonchalantly. 

Both girls looked at her solemnly before Raven returned to unwrapping her gift. It had taken her longer because the gift was much bigger. “What the hell, Griffin!” Raven exclaimed excitedly.

“I know, you love me,” she smiled. 

“Hell, if you don’t find someone special, I’ll marry you,” she exclaimed while kissing the girl’s cheek. Clarke was caught off guard, but she appreciated the gesture. She had always been somewhat affectionate due to her mom’s lack thereof, and she was happy to see that her new friends were the same. 

The next hour was spent eating. Bellamy had ordered Pizza for the group, and afterwards they watched a few movies. It had been quite enjoyable for Clarke, especially because she’d be returning to school after this weekend… and it was Friday. It was pretty sucky, especially with her upcoming detentions, but it was something she had to face.

She also spent a lot of time studying the group. She noticed that Octavia was making heart eyes at her brother’s friend, Lincoln; she thinks his name was. It brought a smile to her face. It was nice to see her friend so happy.

“I really should be going,” Clarke said when she realized it was 8:30pm.

“Okay. Bye Clarkie,” Raven waved with a sad smile, knowing what hell Clarke was returning to. Octavia offered the same wave and smile, and Clarke left. She had decided that walking home would be nice, and she’d even take a detour around the area. 

After walking in silence for a while, she couldn’t take it anymore. She put her earbuds in and chose one of her random playlists that just had a bunch of songs piled into it. She almost laughed at the irony in the first song that began playing. 

“ _I feel like I’m drowning. I’m drowning”_

Clarke took a moment to laugh at the accuracy of the song before feeling herself get lost in the music, allowing her legs to take her wherever they pleased. 

_“You’re holding me down and… holding me down. You’re killing me slow, so slow… Oh no. I feel like I’m drowning._ **_I’m drowning._ ** _”_

When Clarke finally found her way home, she sighed and pulled her earbuds out of her ear. She gently pushed the door open and sighed in relief when she saw no one was in the living room. She quietly made her way upstairs where she found Madi and Charlotte, asleep in her bed. She smiled to herself before squirming her way into the cuddle pile. Almost instantly, she was asleep.

\-----------------------------------

Lexa awoke late in the afternoon that Christmas day. It was strange for her to wake up so late, but the recent days have been very eventful. She found herself feeling more exhausted than she has felt in a long time. Plus, it’s not like she had anyone to wake up to.

Lexa had a weird feeling in her stomach. This is the first time she’s ever spent Christmas alone. She imagined it would be peaceful, nice even, but instead, she just feels lonely. 

To get over the way she was feeling, Lexa decided to go for a jog. She packed up all the stuff she’d need and made her way into her neighborhood. She found herself running harder and faster than she usually does, something she had not done since the beginning of college when she got clean. 

When she realized how hard she was running, she stopped herself and took a break at a bench. She tried to settle her heart rate and drink some water, and she managed to calm herself. 

Deep down, she knew why she had been running harder. She hasn’t felt lonely since before she lost Costia. The last time she felt lonely was right before she got clean, and that’s probably why she reverted back to her old running habits. However, she was not going to admit that. 

Once she was calm again, she began jogging home. This time, she managed to keep her usual pace and heart rate. When she finally arrived at home, she got some water, made a quick breakfast, took a shower, and brushed her teeth.

After all that was done, she began making her annual Christmas calls. The first call she made was to Luna. “Hey Lun,” she said into the phone.

“ _Lex!”_ she called into the phone.

“Merry Christmas,” she smiled into the phone. 

“ _Merry Christmas,_ ” she said back cheerfully.

“How’s your day going so far?” Lexa asked her.

“ _It’s going good,_ ” she answered vaguely.

“What’d ya get?” Lexa asked while raising her eyebrows suggestively, not that she could see her.

“ _Nothing fancy. Mostly stuff for my gym class,”_ Luna answered, though she didn’t return the question because she knew Lexa was not with family or anyone who got her a gift. “ _How has your day been?”_ she asks instead. 

“Lonely,” Lexa answers without thinking, immediately covering her mouth in regret. She had not intended to be so honest with her sister. Mostly, she didn’t want to bring down her friend’s mood and Christmas spirit. 

“ _I can’t imagine_ ” she replies honestly, sadly.

“I’m doing okay,” Lexa quickly assures her, trying not to bring down her mood. 

“ _Well, I’ll be back tomorrow since school starts up after the weekend,”_ Luna reminded her, her smile obvious through the phone.

“Ugh! Don’t remind me,” she groaned.

“ _I’m excited to see you too, Lex,_ ” she said in faux offense.

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Lexa refutes.

“ _Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, I gotta go. Tell Anya I said hi,_ ” Luna said goodbye before the line went silent.

Lexa quickly dialed Anya’s number. The two shared a similar conversation about gifts and their days, minus Lexa admitting that she’s lonely. Overall, the call was pleasant, and Lexa was glad she had family like Anya and Luna to brighten her day.

Lastly, Lexa called her dad. “Hey dad,” she smiled into the phone.

“ _Hey, Pumpkin,_ ” he greets through the phone.

“Imagine everyone’s surprise when they learn the great Gustus of Woods Corps. Calls his daughter pumpkin,” she chuckled. She always loved how her father was so sweet to her when most thought he was the scariest man in the world.

Lexa's father owned his own business. He’s a world-renowned entrepreneur and was well known around the world for his successfulness, intimidation abilities, and charming and diplomatic personality. It was hard not to love her father once you really got to know him. 

When Lexa was younger, she always worried her father would pressure her into taking over the company. It was one of the reasons she fell into the world of drug and alcohol abuse. The pressure had forced her into a corner, but when her father learned of her inner turmoil, he promised her she could do whatever she wanted in her life. He would always love and support her. 

Lexa had been skeptical at first, but her father assured her that he had a worthy filler. Lexa’s cousin, Lincoln, agreed to take the company on, but only once Gustus retired or died. He was willing to take business classes and training for it, but he wanted to live a life of his own before he was called to complete such a task as filling Gustus’ shoes. 

Lexa had to applaud her cousin for his selflessness. Of course, he had wanted the ability to live his own life, but he was willing to give it up, any day, if Gustus called for it. Lexa would forever be indebted to her cousin. 

Since she found out of her cousin’s promise, she got closer to him. He also played a major role in bringing her out of her alcohol and drug rut. Not just for helping alleviate the pressure she always felt, but also because he was there for her. She felt a little guilty for not thanking him as much verbally as she did in her head.

Her father returned her chuckle before teasing, “ _Careful, kid, I’ve got a reputation to uphold.”_

“Oh, I’m so scared,” she joked in a fearful voice.

“ _Shut up,”_ he joked.

“So, how’s Christmas there?” Lexa asked, knowing her cousin would be returning from his deployment for the holidays. 

“ _Boring. Lincoln went to spend the holidays with an Army friend when he found out you wouldn’t be here,”_ Gustus said sadly, but his voice held no tone of malice or accusation. 

“How rude of him,” she said, faking anger.

“ _I know right,_ ” he fake sniffled. 

“I miss you,” she admitted.

“ _I know, Alexandria, but you’re overworking yourself. You always do, and it always pushes you that much closer to the edge. I don’t want you forcing yourself back into that rut,_ ” he admits to her.

“One, you know I hate being called by my full name, and two, I’m six years clean, Dad. I think I can handle a Christmas break with my family,” Lexa answered calmly.

“ _I know, Pumpkin, I know, but Lincoln and I were planning on doing some business talk, and I know that triggers you. I didn’t want to expose you to that,”_ he said more truthfully.

“Thank you for the consideration, but next time it might just be better to invite me,” she huffed.

“ _How so?”_ he asked.

“Break has been… eventful,” she admits, thinking back to finding Clarke in that park and giving her detention. She still felt guilty about that, but she didn’t regret it.

“ _Sounds juicy,_ ” he chuckled, obviously asking for more information.

“Well, I found one of my students in a park, drunk,” she started, knowing that was the most eventful part of her week, not to mention, her father wouldn’t judge her for her choices. In fact, he’d probably agree with the decisions she made that day.

“ _Ooo, what happened?”_ he encouraged, obviously invested in the story.

“Well, she admitted some stuff to me before passing out,” she paused, allowing time for it to sink in.

“ _This is getting good. What’d you do from there?_ ” he questioned.

“Well, I couldn’t just leave an unconscious woman in a park. You know how the world is, so after much internal debate, I took her back to my home,” she paused, biting her lip.

“ _There are different ways you could’ve and probably should’ve gone about that,_ ” he admitted, “ _but in the moment, it was the right choice.”_

“Thank you. I’ve been feeling strange about it all week,” Lexa confessed while rubbing at her back anxiously.

“ _What happened when she woke up?”_ he asked.

“Well, she didn’t remember a thing, and proceeded to ask me who I was and where she was. She was thrown when she realized it was her history teacher,” Lexa chuckled a bit at that. Life had a weird way of fucking with people, “Anyway, after that she ran out to puke her guts out, as expected, and I told her she had detention for two months.”

“ _Damn, Lex. Don’t you think that’s a little harsh?_ ” he asks.

“Not at all. You should’ve seen her Dad… She was me,” she informed him. As much as she hated to admit it, she had seen herself in Clarke that day. Drunk, alone in a park, sipping her booze that it’s juice. “I wanted.., No, needed to help her. It’s just who I am,” she explained further. 

“ _You care for her,_ ” he concluded simply. No emotion, only curiosity.

“To some degree,” she admitted, “I don’t want her to end up dead in a ditch.”

“ _It’s more than that,_ ” he concluded. 

“She… She’s special,” Lexa concluded. No other words explained what she felt for her student. 

“ _I can see that. Just be careful, Pumpkin,_ ” he warned her. He had only ever heard that tone in his daughter's voice once before, and it was when she talked about Costia. He was worried for his daughter because this woman was her student, but Gustus really didn’t care.

Well, he cared. He cared because he hoped… He prayed that this student wouldn’t break his daughter’s heart if it came to it. He cared because he could hear the happiness and curiosity in his daughter’s voice. He wanted her to be happy, whatever that meant.

Of course, he was a little wary because the girl was a student, and it’s thoroughly illegal. However, he knows his daughter has strong morals, and she wouldn’t do anything illegal. Once they’re two, consenting adults, whatever happens after that could mean less to Gustus. As long as his daughter is happy and out of legal trouble. 

“I will be, Dad,” she assured him. “I’ve gotta go now. I’m gonna call Lincoln,” she informed him.

Her call with Lincoln went well. He talked about his days with his Army buddies and even mentioned a pretty girl. He was skeptical about her because he knew she was still a student, but he also knew she’d be turning 18 soon, and he felt strongly for the girl. He also told her that the girl was her Army friend’s little sister which only worried Lexa more. However, she didn’t want to shatter her cousin’s heart by telling him that he shouldn’t risk it. 

They talked for a while, mostly about school and deployment before Lincoln finally said he had to go. It was around 9:00 and they had been talking for a while. Both of them were extremely tired, so they shared brief goodbyes before hanging up. 

Once her call was over, Lexa crawled into her bed and allowed herself to drift into a peaceful sleep. Strangely enough, she found herself thinking of bright blue eyes and blonde hair, not that she’d admit it to anyone. 

\-----------------------------------

When Clarke made it home, she thoroughly ignored her siblings and her parents. She simply walked to her room, closed the door, and sat on her bed with a loud thud. So much had happened today, and it was just too much to process. 

Honestly, Clarke just wanted a drink. She knew it was wrong because she’s underage or whatever and alcohol won’t solve your problems, but it would numb her pain and quiet the endless voices in her mind, even if it was only for a few hours. 

However, she decided against it for the night. The fight with her mother was fresh in her mind, and she did not have the energy to fight with her mother about her consumption of alcohol again.

“ _You can’t just drink your feelings away,_ ” the words really struck a chord in her. Her mother’s words had a tendency to shatter all her resolve and make her explode into a big pile of emotions. She hated it. However, she knew her mother was correct. You can’t just drink your feelings away.

Clarke hesitantly opened her side drawer and grabbed the letter her mother gave her. She started at it for a while, debating internally what she wanted to do with it. Part of her, was dying from curiosity, but the other part was not sure she could handle what was written in the letter. 

She knew that if it was something positive, she would fall right back into that destructive path of trying to make her mother happy, proud, but she always knew that if it was something negative, she would break into a million pieces. Now certainly was not the time to fall apart. 

She needed to get her shit together. Her problem is that she’s not sure she knows how. Truthfully, she was used to being a bit of a mess. She didn’t have a perfect home life, though she tried to offer a stable foundation to her siblings, but she did have parents. That much, she was thankful for. Though one is distant figuratively and the other is distant literally, she still has two living, breathing parents. That much, she would not take for granted.

So, as much as she wanted to please her mother by being perfect, she simply couldn’t. She was glad to have parents, but sometimes she just wishes they’d butt out. She knows they’re only trying to help, but they, especially her mother, have a tendency of only making her worse. The recent days are proof enough of that. 

Meaning, she was not going to read the letter. She was not going to read the letter today, or tomorrow, and probably not in weeks, months, or maybe even years. Her parents are alive, and they’ve been known to butt into her life randomly. So, if there’s something her mother wants her to know, her mother will tell her. 

A few moments later, there was a soft knock on her door, and Clarke scrambled to put the letter away before opening it. “Hey,” she cooed when she found her youngest sister at her door. “I can’t sleep,” she rubbed her eyes, and that’s when she heard the distant arguing of her parents. She tsked them before urging her sister into her room by her shoulder blades.

It was moments like this when she knew just what Madi needed. It was always the same song. In fact, it was the only song that would put Madi to sleep without nightmares. 

_“It don’t make sense, but nevertheless you gotta believe us. It’s all for the best. It don’t make sense, the way things go. So you should know, sometimes moms and dads fall out of love. Sometimes the best intentions just ain’t enough. Some things you can’t tell your sister ‘cuz she’s still too young, and you’ll understand when you love someone.”_

By the time she finished the verse, Madi was sound asleep, a subtle smile on her lips, cuddled into her older sister. She smiled softly at her sister before settling in to go to sleep. She briefly wondered where Charlotte was, but she knew her and Madi spent the night in their father’s room the other night so Charlotte was probably still there. 

Clarke allowed herself to drift to sleep easily that night. Despite the sounds of her parents arguing, despite the constant shifting of her youngest sister, she managed to sleep peacefully. She clung to her sister, both allowing Madi to feel safe, and for Clarke to feel loved and needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> "I Feel Like I'm Drowning" by Two Feet: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkVvG4QTO9M
> 
> "When You Love Someone" by James TW: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Bf3CJZ4hvg
> 
> This chapter was extremely hard to right for someone reason. Probably because there wasn't much love to go around in it. It was, admittedly, strange to write a Christmas chapter with so little Christmas spirit, but let's be real, if this was real life, there'd be no Christmas spirit.


	10. Surviving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke gets in a fight, and endures her first detention with Miss Woods. What will they talk about? What will happen? Read to find out XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a little rushed so there might be some grammar and spelling mistakes, but overall I think it's pretty decent. Enjoy!

Again, Clarke wakes to her alarm. It’s the first day back at school since the break, and Clarke is not ready whatsoever. Not only does she have to face the whole Senior class, who ultimately think she’s a weird loser, but she has to go to two hours of detention after school. With a groan, she rolls out of bed and begins getting ready. 

The house feels lonely. It doesn’t feel like a home anymore. Her and her mother don’t talk anymore, and her siblings left two days ago. She misses them so much; she can’t even put it into words. Luckily, her mother and father confirmed that Madi will be returning in a week or two, so that’s something to look forward to.

While getting ready, Clarke sends a quick text asking Octavia to pick her up. Of course. Octavia says yes, and it warms Clarke’s heart. Ever since her siblings left, she feels useless. She’s just drifting through the motions. The only time she isn’t is when she’s with her friends, and she’s grateful for their time.

Soon enough, Octavia and Raven arrive at her house. Clarke quickly grabs her gifts for the three teachers before leaving the house. She sees her friends with big smiles plastered on their faces. That is until they see Clarke’s sullen mood. “Bad morning, Clarkie?” Raven asks, surprisingly sounding genuinely concerned. It’s not that Raven doesn’t care or doesn’t show that she does, she just usually uses sarcasm.

“Something like that,” she huffs.

“Need me to pick you up after detention?” Octavia asks.

“Ugh! Don’t remind me,” Clarke groans. 

“Seriously though, Miss Woods isn’t that bad. She helped me get through a lot with my mom,” Raven explains.

“You confided in her?” Clarke asks in disbelief. Raven was not the type to open up, or at least she didn’t seem like the type. Of course, Clarke opened up to Miss Woods, but now she was angry at her. Her anger is stopping her from seeing that Miss Woods really is a good person, and she has a lot of experience which makes her easy to confide in. Clarke just won’t admit it.

“Yes. I felt alone, aside from O, and she got me to open up. The way she did it almost made it fun. I’m seriously surprised she didn’t just become a guidance counselor,” Raven said, adding something light-hearted at the end.

“Still, she’s an ass,” Clarke huffs, “who the hell gives someone 2 months of detention for drinking too much once.”

“Maybe she really does want to help?” Octavia offered shyly.

“Maybe, but I’m not going to give her the satisfaction,” Clarke said firmly.

“Careful Clarke, your stubborn is showing,” Raven teases, earning a death glare from Clarke. 

Soon enough, they reached the school, and Clarke got out with the gifts, slamming the door behind her. “Be careful with my baby!” Octavia exclaimed while petting her car.

“Sorry,” Clarke muttered while walking to her classes.

She had first period, math with Miss Forest, with Raven. “So, you got her a gift,” Raven raised her eyebrows at her suggestively at her friend while eyeing the three gifts. 

“I got one for Miss Forest, Miss Rivers, and, unfortunately, Miss Woods,” Clarke tells her.

“Why?” Raven asks.

“It’s the nice thing to do. Not to mention, they all helped me settle in here, just as much as you and O did,” Clarke pointed out. Raven just shrugged, accepting her friend’s answer.

When they entered the classroom, Raven sat in her seat while Clarke delivered her gift. She was going to walk to her seat before Miss Forest stopped her. “Yes, Miss Forest?” Clarke asked formally.

“Thank you,” she smiled while putting the gift on the floor with the rest of her belongings. Clarke nodded firmly before taking her seat.

The math class passed fairly fast and easily. By now, Clarke understands the way Miss Forest teaches, and she’s able to ace almost every test. She even finds herself enjoying math now. As strange as it is, the way everything is taught makes the class not only enjoyable but worth it. You’re not learning the information to pass a test; you’re learning the information to help you in the real world.

“Okay, you’re dismissed,” Miss Forest smiled at her class, allowing them to leave a few minutes after the bell. 

Clarke’s next class was gym, so she made her way to the class. She had zero friends in this class, not that it bothered her much. She quite enjoyed the silence this class offered her. Sometimes it ended in crying, but it was usually much needed.

When she entered the room, she noticed some small changes and little decorations, and she smiled. It was nice to see such a lively gymnasium; it had character. She approached the gym teacher and offered her the gift bag with a shy smile.

“What’s this for?” she asked gently. She had not expected a student to get her a gift, especially not one as closed off as Clarke.

“I wanted you to know you helped me,” she shrugged while rubbing her elbow shyly. She had not expected giving someone a gift to be so nerve wracking. 

“Thank you,” she smiled genuinely at the student.

“Thank you,” she said back before leaving.

Luna watched the girl walk away with the feeling of slight tears burning in the back of her eyes. She was not usually one to be sappy, but she couldn’t help the feeling in her heart at helping someone. It was nice to know that you made someone’s life just that much easier.

The rest of the class, Luna watched Clarke subtly. She knew the girl’s life was shaky, but something seemed different about her. The way she was talking… It gave Luna a bad feeling in her stomach. It genuinely worried her, a feeling she hadn’t felt since her late high school and early college years. 

She noticed that the girl rarely had her head up. She walked her laps with her head staring at her feet. Occasionally, her feet would walk in a strange manner as well. For example, she’d swing her feet around, letting them land with her heel in front of the other foot’s toes, repeating the gesture until she got bored.

However, when the class ended, she didn’t stop the student from leaving. She wanted to, but she knew Clarke was to have detention with her sister after school. If anyone could get that girl to talk, it was her sister. 

The rest of Clarke’s classes passed slowly, and she almost exclaimed in happiness when the lunch bell rang. She practically ran to the lunch room to meet her friends to eat. 

When she spotted her friends, they all looped their arms together and grabbed their lunches from the cafeteria. They sat at their lunch table and ate in a comfortable silence; they didn’t have anything to talk about.

That is, until Clarke’s least favorite person on the plant decided to show up. “Hey babe,” he said while sitting next to Raven, and Clarke felt her skin burn an angry red. Her whole body screamed for her to hit him for what he did to her, but she refrained.

“Shut the fuck up, Finn,” Raven snapped at him, “We’re over, and we’ve been over for almost a month.”

“You’re telling me you don’t miss me,” he raised his eyebrows suggestively while pouting and wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

“She said to leave her alone,” Clarke finally snapped at him.

“What are you gonna do about it?” he chuckled tauntingly, “you can’t even swim.”

“Maybe not,” Clarke shrugged, stopping her friends who were about to butt in, “but I scared death. I doubt you’ll be much of a challenge.”

He paled slightly, though it was barely visible. “You think I’m scared of you? You still sleep with a blanket,” he teased her. 

Clarke clenched her eyes tightly shut and pressed her lips together, using every ounce of self-control she had left not to hit this guy square in the jaw. “What are you gonna do?” he got up and got into her face before saying the words. That’s when Clarke lost it.

In all honesty, she had every right to do what she did. He teased her, she warned him, and then he got in her personal space. What she did was completely reasonable. Without warning, she grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his head, pulling it so that with just the right amount of force it would break. She did it so fast that anyone who blinked would’ve missed it, and Finn had no time to react until he was screaming out his pain. Clarke immediately dropped his arm, giving him the opportunity to leave. 

Honestly, Clarke wondered how he hadn’t been suspended for what he did on the skiing trip. He had, indirectly, caused Clarke to drown herself. If she brought all that stuff to a school trip, he would’ve known that it’s important to her, and she would’ve jumped after it. Even if he hadn’t, he damaged another student’s property. That’s gotta call for some sort of punishment.

“You bitch!” he seethed while lunging at her. Clarke, being small and lithe, was able to dodge his punch and elbow him in the nose. He grabbed his nose and started whimpering in pain. 

“I warned you,” Clarke noted calmly before taking her seat again.

“Well damn,” Octavia said in awe, “where’d you learn that.”

“I grew up in D.C. and my parents wanted me in self defense classes,” Clarke shrugged before a teacher approached the group and saw Finn writhing on the floor. 

“What happened here, and who did this?” the teacher exclaimed while pointing to Finn. Clarke raised her hand and got up. She knew what she had done was justified, and she was willing to take responsibility for her actions. 

The teacher beckoned for Clarke, silently asking for her to follow while she helped Finn to his feet. Clarke waved shyly to her friends before following the teacher to the principal’s office. 

Once she got there, she remained silent. As the “obvious” victim, Finn was allowed to share his story first, and Clarke managed to keep her mouth shut and not call him out on his lies. 

“Miss Griffin,” they turned to her, waiting for her response. 

“It’s personal,” she shrugged.

“We gathered that much,” The principal said as if it was obvious.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Clarke huffed. It was true, if she wanted them to truly understand her side of the story, she’d have to bring herself back to the first day of school when she defended Raven to Finn. She’d have to, again, call him out for being a dick, and that would only antagonize him more. 

“We’ll have to punish you then,” the principal said.

“Look, he antagonized me and my friend. He taunted me, and he brought up personal things about me that set me off. He proceeded to get into my personal space, and I lost it. I admit I might’ve gone a bit overboard, but I don’t regret what I did. Given the chance, I’d make that choice again,” Clarke explained quickly, “If you feel the need to punish me, by any means, do it. However, you should know I already have two months of detention, so it’ll be hard to find a time that I’m free.” She huffed at the end, still frustrated about having to attend detention with her least favorite teacher. 

“Detention with what teacher and what for?” the principal asked because he had not been aware of such a punishment being given to the student. 

“It’s personal,” Clarke said again, “and it’s with Miss Woods.”

The principal was taken aback. Lexa was not one to give detentions lightly. If Clarke received such a punishment from her, it must’ve been serious, or like Clarke said, personal. “I’ll discuss this with her,” he concluded.

Clarke groaned loudly before asking, “May I leave now?”

“Yes, go finish your lunch,” he nodded while waving for the teacher to take Finn to see a nurse. 

\-----------------------------------------

“Hey, Lex,” Anya smiled at her when she entered the lunch room.

“Hey, An,” she returned the greeting.

“Where’d you get the chocolate?” she asked, noticing that both Luna and Anya had some.

“Surprisingly, Clarke Griffin,” Luna answered, with a gentle smile.

“What?” Lexa asked in surprise.

“Apparently, she wanted to thank us. She told us that we helped her a lot,” Luna shrugged, and Anya nodded to confirm her sentiment. 

“Well,” she sighed while sitting down. 

The rest of their lunch was spent making small talk until Lexa’s phone rang. “Let me check that,” she said while putting a finger up to silence her friends. When she saw the school principal’s number, she immediately picked up.

“Is it true that Clarke Griffin has detention with you for the next two months?” he asked.

“Yes, why?” Lexa answered curiously.

“She got into a scuffle at lunch. I technically need to punish her for it, but seeing as she already has detention with you, I’m not sure what to do about it,” he answered honestly. 

“She got in a fight?” Lexa asked with her eyebrows raised in surprise. She looked to her sisters who had their eyebrows raised and heads tilted in curiosity. 

“Yes,” he answered simply.

“With who?” Lexa asked.

“Finn Collins. Messed up his nose pretty bad too,” he added. Lexa smiled faintly at the principal’s words. She knew Clarke and Finn had history, lots of it, and if she got angry enough to hurt him, she’s sure it was rightfully deserved.

“I will talk to her about it in detention if you wish?” Lexa offered.

“That would be great. Thank you,” he told her, and she hung up.

“Who got in a fight?” Luna asked, maybe a little too eagerly.

“Clarke,” Lexa shrugged while sitting down.

“Really? She doesn’t strike me as the fighting type,” Anya noted.

“It was with Finn,” Lexa pointed out.

“Ah, that explains it,” Anya nodded with a light chuckle.

“Apparently she messed up his nose,” Lexa cringed slightly outwardly, but internally she was still smiling.

“Damn. Good for her,” Luna said while applauding silently. 

“I mean… Yeah. He probably had it coming,” Anya agreed, and Lexa nodded with them. 

\----------------------------------

When the lunch bell rang, her classes flew by up until History. She really didn’t want to be there, but she didn’t really have a choice. She didn’t have the energy to see Miss Woods, and she simply wanted to go home and sleep. 

Once she got to the class, she firmly dropped Miss Woods’ gift on her desk before she took her spot as far away from Miss Woods as possible and began her work. She worked diligently the whole class and never once let herself get distracted. She wasn’t going to let her personal problems mess with her academics. It’s her last year of high school, and it’s important that she maintains her good grades, even if this last year is wrecking her. 

When she finished her classwork, she opened her sketchbook and began drawing the trees outside the classroom window. They were calming, and she enjoyed the feeling she got when drawing nature. She preferred to draw people, but she knew it made people uncomfortable. So, in school, she stuck to drawing nature. 

“Miss Griffin?” Miss Woods called her attention back to the front of the class room.

“Yes, Miss Woods?” she asked formally, slight edge to her tone.

“Please pay attention,” she asked politely.

“I’m finished,” Clarke answered while turning her attention back to the trees she had been drawing.

“Alright. Then I trust you will pass this class with flying colors,” Miss Woods said with a slight nod of her head, and Clarke nodded back. She knew this tactic. This was Miss Woods offering her the chance to do her work if she had been lying to avoid getting in trouble, but Clarke really had gotten all her work done. 

When the bell rang for everyone to leave, Clarke put her sketchbook away and began working on homework, not sparing so much as a glance in Miss Woods’ direction. 

Once she finished her homework, which took her all of thirty minutes, she returned to her sketchbook. Even when she felt a presence behind her, she continued drawing. She had no interest in talking to Miss Woods.

“It’s pretty,” Miss Woods said while taking a seat next to the girl.

“Thank you,” Clarke said without giving the teacher the time of day.

“I heard you got in a fight,” Miss Woods offered, trying to start a conversation. 

“He asked for it,” Clarke shrugged, still intently focused on her sketchbook, and Lexa was at the end of her patience with this girl. 

“I’m sure he did,” Lexa agreed.

“Really?” Clarke asked incredulously, still not looking at the teacher.

Lexa had enough. She grabbed the top of the girl’s notebook and snatched it out from under her. “What the fuck!” Clarke yelled while lunging at the teacher to grab it.

Unfortunately, Lexa had not planned for this, and she found herself toppling to the ground with Clarke on top of her. 

Clarke’s breath stopped when she and the teacher hit the cold floor. She was pressed on top of the brunette with her hands on either side of the woman’s shoulders and her legs straddling her. Her knees were vibrating from the impact, and the brunette looked stunned that she got herself into this position.

They stared into each other’s eyes for a few moments, simply breathing heavily while thinking. The tension was palpable, but neither dared to make a move. That was, until Lexa offered the girl her sketchbook and said, “Look at someone when they talk to you.”

However, her voice was not as demanding as it was intended. It came out rushed and breathless, but Clarke nodded and got up, allowing her teacher to get up as well. She sat back in her chair as if nothing happened, and Lexa did the same. 

“So, care to tell me about the fight,” Lexa asked. 

“He was coming onto Raven,” Clarke said while staring at her book still. Lexa figured it was probably because Clarke didn’t think she could look at the teacher while explaining anything, and Lexa understood it. She was simply glad to have her student talking to her. 

“I told him to leave her alone. They’ve been broken up for a while now and… well it’s unimportant. He started teasing me about how I can’t swim… The blanket thing,” she cringed and blushed at that. Of everything he had said, that hit the hardest.

“So you punched him?” Lexa asked in confusion.

“No. I didn’t do anything. He got in my face and asked ‘what are you gonna do’. At that point, he got in my face and antagonized me. He literally asked for it. I pinned his arm behind his back, and when he screamed I let him go,” Clarke informed her. 

“How’d he mess up his nose then?” Lexa asked.

“Well, once I let him go, he called me a bitch and lunged at me. It was a bad punch anyway,” Clarke shrugged as if it was nothing, aggressively scribbling on her paper, mostly shading her work, “I elbowed him in the nose when I dodged his strike. Maybe I didn’t have to elbow him, but he lunged at me.”

“I see,” Lexa said simply.

“You’re not going to scold me?” Clarke asked, shading lighter on her paper now. 

“No. You were in the right,” Lexa agreed.

“Really? I thought you would’ve told me you needed to call my parents or the cops,” Clarke said with bite, obviously referring to their conversation after the party. 

Lexa nodded sadly, understanding the blow Clarke was making. She stood up and walked back to her desk, offering the young teen the space she needed. 

Clarke was grateful for the space. With everything on her mind, she really just needed time for herself. Really, she just wanted to sleep, but when she was finally able to sleep, the gears in her head would start turning, and she hated it. She hated that she never had peace of mind anymore.

Not to mention, she was in a constant rut because on one hand, she missed her siblings, but on the other hand, she knew it was for the best. It’s best that her siblings are with their father who loves them. The only reason she was okay with Madi coming is because Madi didn’t have many friends in D.C. anyway, and Clarek was closest with her. Surely her absence is hurting her more than anyone else. 

“You know, you can talk to me about anything,” Lexa said from the front of the room when she noticed the thoughtful look on Clarke’s face. 

“Do you have siblings?” Clarke asked after a few thoughtful minutes.

“No, but I have Miss Forest and Miss Rivers,” Lexa answered honestly.

“Then you won’t get it,” Clarke nodded before turning her attention back to her drawing. 

“Try me,” Lexa offered. 

“Would you put their happiness before yours?” Clarke asked.

“To some degree,” Lexa agreed.

“Where do you draw the line?” the blonde asked again.

“You have to make sure you’re happy too,” Lexa nodded.

“What if making you happy makes them unhappy or visa versa,” Clarke prompted. 

“Then find a compromise,” Lexa nodded.

“No such thing in this case,” Clarke said sadly.

“I’m sure your siblings would be happy whether they’re here or in D.C.” Lexa told her honestly.

“How’d you- nevermind. I just want what’s best for them, and moving across the country isn’t what’s best for them,” Clarke frowned.

“It wasn’t what was best for you either, but you did it,” Lexa pointed out.

“That’s different,” Clarke said.

“Is it?” Lexa asked rhetorically.

“My mom bought me a plane ticket!” Clarke blurted out, feeling a little uncomfortable with her teachers glare on her. 

“Oh. To D.C?” she asked.

“Yeah…” Clarke trailed off.

“You’re going,” Lexa said, not being able to hide the sadness in her tone.

“No… I’m staying,” Clarke answered firmly.

“Why? I mean, no offense. Just, it seems you miss home,” Lexa pointed out.

“I don’t know where home is anymore,” Clarke admitted. 

Lexa felt a wave of pain hit her for this girl. She remembered that feeling like it was yesterday. Feeling lost, going through the motions, wandering around in search of a home. She didn’t want that for this girl. 

“You’ll find it,” Lexa said firmly.

“I hate feeling like this,” Clarke admitted, still not allowing her eyes to leave the sketchbook.

“Look at me,” Lexa demanded, but her tone was soft and gentle.

Clarke slowly lifted her head to look at her teacher, and Lexa immediately felt another wave of pain hit her. Written all over the young girl's face was pain, wonder, fear, confusion, and worst of all, sadness. Lexa got the urge to hold the girl, offer her some sort of assurance that she wasn’t alone, but she knew that would be inappropriate and unprofessional.

“It gets better,” Lexa told her firmly, “It’ll get worse first, but it’ll get better.”

Clarke could hear the sincerity and sureness in Lexa’s voice, and she decided not to ask questions. It was obvious that the woman was not as plain Jane as she seemed. However, Clarke didn’t really like opening up, and she was sure her teacher felt the same. She wouldn’t force the teacher to answer her questions. 

“She gave me a letter,” Clarke whispered. She felt the need to tell someone.

“Who?” Lexa asked curiously.

“My mom,” Clarke answered.

“Did you read it?” Lexa asked.

“I can’t,” Clarke said, and Lexa nodded her hand in understanding. If her mother gave her a letter today, she’s not sure she’d be able to read it either.

Lexa was surprised when a few moments later, Clarke began humming a tune. Lexa didn’t recognize it, and she wondered if it was something Clarke just came up with. She smiled briefly at the blonde before returning to grading papers. 

“You’re free to go,” Lexa told her about thirty minutes later.

“It’s been two hours?” Clarke asked.

“Mhm,” Lexa nodded.

“Okay,” Clarke said while hurriedly packing her stuff up to leave. “Bye Miss Woods,” Clarke said before exiting the room and making her way where Octavia agreed to pick her up from. When she got there, she quickly climbed in and turned up Octavia’s radio, signaling that she didn’t want to talk, and Octavia respected her wishes. 

When she finally dropped Clarke off, she told her, “There’s a party this weekend! I know you got wasted last time and you’re in a load of shit for it, but I thought I’d still invite you.”

“I’ll try to make it,” Clarke said. She knew her mom didn’t want her to go to parties anymore, but since when does her mom tell her what to do? No, she lost that ability a long time ago. 

“Okay. Be safe, Clarke,” Octavia smiled before leaving the girl at her doorstep. 

Clarke re-entered the house and went straight to her room. She sat on her bed and got the letter from her mother out. She placed it on her bed and stared at her name written in her mother’s handwriting. It looked so different. It looked gentle, caring, and dare she say it, loving. Now it looked harsh and cold. Clarke couldn’t help but wonder what made her change it.

After a lot of debate, she put the letter back into her drawer and plugged her earbuds in. She allowed the music to blast into her ears at full blast while she quietly hummed and sang the lyrics. 

About an hour later, her mother told her dinner was ready, and like every other day since their fight, Clarke grabbed her food and carried it to her room to eat. She ate her food quickly and left the plate on her dresser to take downstairs to her room tomorrow morning. 

While listening to music, Clarke found herself drifting into sleep, and she welcomed it. In fact, she needed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have big plans for this story, and I hope you all will take the journey with me! As always, leave feedback and thanks for reading <3


	11. Green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A week has passed and Clarke and Lexa finally discover a way to learn more about each other. A seemingly insignificant secret is revealed :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about not updating last night! I was trying to decide if I wanted to write a chapter on the party or just skip a week to when Madi was there. Obviously, I chose the latter. Anyway, enjoy reading :)

“Madi. You’ve gotta wake up,” Clarke whispered sweetly into her sister’s ear. 

“Nooooooo,” Madi whined from her spot on the bed.

“It’s your first day of school. You can’t be late,” Clarke reminded her while nudging her slightly.

“Uh uh,” Madi shook her head.

“Madi, don’t make me do this the hard way,” Clarke said in a warning tone.

“Too tired,” Madi complained.

“I warned you,” Clarke said before tickling her sister’s sides.

“Clarke! Stop!” she said between fits of laughter.

“Are you awake?” she asked.

“Yes! Yes!” she said while gasping for air.

“Good,” Clarke smiled while freeing her sister from her grasp.

She gasped for air for a few seconds before dramatically rolling onto the ground with a sound that echoed through the room. “You okay, baby?” Clarke asked when she saw her sister laying on the floor.

“I’m stuck,” she grunted from the pile of blankets.

Clarke laughed at her sister for a few moments before helping her out of the bundle of sheets and blankets that were dragged down with her. “Next time, let’s not make a mess of my bed,” Clarke chuckled lightly.

“Sorry,” she smiled unapologetically.

“Mhm,” Clarke hummed to show that she wasn’t convinced.

Madi hit Clarke playfully on her side before sprinting out the room and down the stairs. “Hey!” Clarke called while running after her, almost breaking her neck on the stairs. When she finally got to her sister, she grabbed her sides and lifted her into the air. “Gotcha,” she smirked.

“No fair,” Madi huffed a complaint before signaling for Clarke to put her down.

“Don’t worry. I’m getting too weak to lift you around like that,” Clarke informed her, but truthfully, she was going to miss it. 

Madi pouted at the realization before sitting down and waiting for Clarke to bring her a bowl of cereal. As usual, their mom was at work, so Clarke was in charge of getting her sister to school on time which would be a struggle considering she barely got to school on time on her own.

Not to mention, Clarke is not excited to go to school. Somehow, Miss Woods found out that she had gone to a party last week and drank, again. Truthfully, she didn’t even drink that much. Only enough to take the edge of, but apparently it was unacceptable. Now Miss Woods is considering adding more time to her detention which only makes Clarke more resistant to attend. Then, let’s not forget that she is in trouble with her mother because she came home and realized Clarke was not there. 

Once Madi and Clarke had both eaten their breakfast, they raced to the bathroom to brush their teeth and do their hair. The whole time they were brushing their teeth, Madi kept making funny faces, making Clarke laugh, and then they’d both end up drooling out their toothpaste. This is what Clarke missed when she moved across the country. 

Clarke sent a quick text to tell Octavia that this is the first day Madi would be joining them to school, so she’d have to arrive early and make an extra stop. They had discussed that Octavia wouldn’t mind picking Madi up as well, so this was just Clarke reminding her because Octavia is too forgetful for her own good.

Once they brushed their teeth, Clarke brushed through her hair and did Madi’s because she promised her she’d “Make it look pretty” for her first day of school. Clarke decided to do some intricate braids with the rest of her hair curled into waves. When she was done, Madi gave her a hug as a thank you, and they ran downstairs to grab their bags before meeting Octavia outside their house. 

When they exited the house, they saw Octavia pulling up. Octavia and Raven smiled at Madi before Clarke opened the door and let her in. She looked a little uncomfortable as she didn’t know Octavia and Raven well, and she’s always been told not to get in cars with people you don’t know.

Clarke, noticing her sister’s discomfort, grabbed her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Her sister smiled at her gratefully before Clarke told Octavia to start driving. 

During the short car ride, they played some kid friendly music, and Clarke never let go of Madi’s hand until they reached her school. “Bye baby,” Clarke cooed with a smile as Madi got out of the car.

“Bye Goose,” she grinned before entering the building. 

“So fucking adorable,” Octavia said.

“Are you ever going to let that go?” Raven asked teasingly.

“Neither of us have younger siblings. We never had that. Not to mention, Bell was nothing like Clarke. Let me have my moment bitch,” Octavia said playfully.

The drive to the high school was more hectic as Raven decided to blast not-so kid friendly music while screaming it. Clarke was encouraging her while Octavia tried to get her to shut up. Of course, Octavia wasn’t getting anywhere with her efforts, so eventually, she just joined Raven.

Once they finally reached the school, Raven turned the radio off, and everyone got out of the car. They walked together to their first classes. Unfortunately, Octavia wasn’t with Raven and Clarke, but they’d all see each other at lunch and a couple other classes. 

When they made it to their homeroom class, Clarke was surprised to find that Miss Forest wasn’t there. This had happened a few times since her arrival at the new school, but it was still a fairly rare occurrence. 

They all began doing checking grades and working on any homework they forgot about, like they were supposed to, knowing that Miss Forest usually gave them a story if they acted well in her absence. 

“Sorry I’m late!” she exclaimed out of breath a few minutes later.

A few people started laughing lightly while giving her questioning glares. “Before you ask, no, I have not given up my attempts at making pancakes,” she answered while setting her stuff up.

Everyone started laughing hysterically, not even bothering to hide it before Raven yelled, “Clarke makes moan-worthy pancakes!” Clarke elbowed her friend for her poor choice of words before Miss Forest turned to them.

“Oh really?” she asked while raising her eyebrow accusingly at Clarke.

“I-I mean.. Her words not mine,” she stuttered out. 

“Good to know,” Miss Forest nodded her head.

Clarke swears she never felt more uncomfortable in her life, and she literally fell on top of Miss Woods. Not to mention, she’s the most clumsy and awkward person on the planet. Raven glanced at her and laughed when she saw that her friend was as white as a ghost, and Clarke elbowed her in the gut to get her to shut up. 

The rest of the class went as usual. They actually had a test today, and for the first time on a math test, Clarke was actually confident in her answers. It was amazing what the difference between a passionate teacher and a boring teacher makes. 

When the class was over, Clarke rushed out of the classroom so fast it took Raven a full minute to catch up with her. “See you next period,” she smiled at Raven when she took a turn away from her. 

When she arrived at the gym, she saw that they were playing an actual game of soccer. This one, however, wasn’t optional. She was slightly annoyed, but she also understood that Miss Rivers had to get everyone to participate in the same thing at one point.

“Okay class. Today we’re doing boys versus girls. I expect you all to play like your life depends on it. If I see you’re just standing around, you’ll get a bad grade,” she paused as everyone began groaning their distaste at the idea, “I’m aware. IT sucks, but I have to grade you on something.”

Everyone seemed to accept her answer, and they made their way to the assigned sides of the field. Clarke was actually a little excited for this because she hadn’t played soccer in a while. She had actually played since she was 6 and only stopped when she found out she was going to leave with her mom. She had lost her interest in soccer for a while, but she was realizing that she missed the peace of mind that the sport offered her. When it was game time, it’s like her mind would go blank except for what she needed to focus on. She needed that right now. 

When Miss. Rivers allowed the game to start, Clarke sprinted for the ball. She managed to get first touch and dribble it around a few of the boys. She had made one of the guys slip before shooting the ball through the goalies legs and into the goal. Her team applauded her for her effort, and she thanked them with a shy smile. 

The next few rounds ended up the same with her accidentally injuring a guy as well. She had profusely apologized, and he assured her it was fine as it is part of the game. She was more than thankful that he wasn’t an ass about it. 

She made sure to use all the footwork she remembered from her time on an actual team, and she ended up winning the game for her team 17-6. Miss Rivers congratulated her on her abilities before she made her way to her stuff. Somehow, she managed to not work up much of a sweat, and she was glad that she didn’t have to take the time to use the school showers because… ew. No.

Her next few classes passed by considerably slower, and she genuinely couldn’t wait until lunch. Her English class felt like it took years when it was actually only 1 hours like the rest of her classes. Her science class also felt like it took years, but she was a little more interested in this class. She actually really liked science; she just hated the teacher. 

When lunch finally rolled around, Clarke practically sprinted to the cafeteria. She had been speed walking so fast that she didn’t notice someone walking right in front of her. When she finally did bump into them, they stumbled backwards, and she reflexively grabbed the hand to pull them back and stabilize them. 

The moment she grabbed the stranger’s hand, she felt a shock run through her body, and she almost dropped the person’s hand because of it. However, she managed to keep herself together and pull the person up. I mean, she did run into them after all. 

“Sorry!” Clarke exclaimed her apologies when she pulled the stranger up.

“It’s alright,” the girl smirked.

“Jesus fucking christ,” Clarke mumbled when she recognized Miss Woods. 

“Language,” the teacher said while tapping her lips without thinking.

Clarke furrowed her eyebrows at the teacher, but that turned into a devilish smile when her teacher’s face turned as red as a tomato. “Need some water?” Clarke smirked knowingly.

“No. I’m quite alright,” she said while getting herself together, “need some glasses?”

“Wow. that’s low,” Clarke feigned hurt before smiling at her teacher and continuing to the cafeteria. 

Lexa couldn’t help but rub the hand that Clarke grabbed. It felt… electrifying, and that scared her. She was genuinely scared of a 17 year old girl. She was scared of the girl because she made her feel, and that’s something that hasn’t happened in a long time. 

When Clarke finally made it to lunch, her friends were waiting for her, so she rushed through the lunch line and then to her seat with them. “Took you long enough,” Raven quipped when her friend sat down.

“I got held up,” she told her vaguely. 

“How so?” Raven pried. 

“I bumped into someone in the hallway, so I helped them pick up their stuff,” Clarke answered, leaving out the fact that it was her history teacher.

“Ah, that makes a lot of sense,” Raven nodded before returning to her meal. 

Her lunch passed quickly, too quickly. Soon enough, she was back in her classes, wishing she was home. Not to mention she had to stay two hours after because she still had stupid detention with stupid Miss Woods. 

At first, she truly thought that detention wouldn’t be that awful, but she’s starting to realize just how big of a punishment it is. All she does is sit in the class and draw. After the first day of kind of spilling her guts, she has refused to share anymore information with Miss Woods. She’d rather keep it to herself.

Of course, Miss Woods is a little pushy in the beginning, but when she realizes that Clarke isn’t going to say anything, she leaves the girl be. Clarke usually draws the trees, but the other day she found herself drawing eyes. Bright, green, emerald eyes. She’s not quite sure who inspired them, but whoever’s eyes they are, is blessed. 

When the bell rang, she made her way to her final class, history with Miss Woods. When she entered, she gave Miss Woods a fake smile before sitting in her spot at the back of the class. 

As usual, she rushed through the work, so she’d have time to work on her drawings and homework she had from other classes. This class was always the easiest because her previous school was ahead of them in history. 

Miss Woods had stopped calling Clarke out on her lack of attention, probably realizing that she was ahead of the curve. However, that didn’t stop her from feeling a little hurt by getting the cold shoulder from the blonde. She had truly hoped for them to become close. Though if you asked her why she wanted to be close with the blonde, she wouldn’t have an answer. Well, she’d have an answer; she just wouldn’t want to admit it. 

When the class finally ended, Clarke remained in her seat and continued drawing. Today, she found herself drawing a vague face. She was not sure whose it was, but she was not concerned. She had a tendency of picking out random people’s faces and drawing them. She knew it was creepy, but some people simply had fantastic features from an artistic standpoint. 

This person had a sharp jawline and high, regal cheekbones. They were, in fact, so artistically otherworldly that she actually wondered if they were truly features she saw on someone or if she imagined them. 

That is, until Miss Woods came up behind her and gasped. She looked at the teacher curiously before looking back at her drawing and realizing it. She had been drawing Miss Woods’ face. That was also when she realized that the gorgeous emerald eyes she had drawn were her teacher’s as well. 

She looked back and forth between the teacher, who was now smirking evilly, and her paper. She truly didn’t know why she had been drawing her teacher. She knew that she felt something for the teacher, but honestly thought it was fiery passion. If that was the case, why can’t she get her eyes and face out of her head?

Lexa, on the other hand, was awestruck by the girl’s artistic abilities. She had seen her drawings before, but she had never quite noticed the student’s attention to detail. It’s one of the reasons it was so easy to identify the features as her own. Not to mention, she spent way too many days staring into a mirror. Not because she was arrogant, but because she was lost. 

However, she couldn’t help the smirk that crept onto her face. She had been so worked up about the student not paying attention to her when she was drawing her in her notebook the whole time. In fact, Lexa was internally laughing at the realization.

“I- uh- sorry. I genuinely didn’t know i-it was… you,” Clarke stuttered out.

Lexa couldn’t help but feel her heart race at the way Clarke said “you”. It was like a weird combination between hate, anger, and… intrigue. Intrigue was definitely the word. 

“It’s alright,” Lexa assured the girl, genuinely not minding that the student was drawing her.

“No it’s not,” Clarke said blankly. “it’s embarrassing,” she groaned after a pause and dropped her head onto the desk with a quiet whine. 

“Really, it’s fine,” Lexa laughed while sitting next to the blonde. 

“Miss Woods,” Clarke prompted.

“Please, call me Lexa when we’re alone. ‘Miss Woods’ sounds so wrong,” Lexa cringed. Though she was not sure why she wanted the student to know her first name. She was usually very strict about not sharing it with people, especially her students. 

“Okay… Lexa,” she paused, ensuring that the teacher really was okay with it.

Lexa smiled reassuringly at the blonde, but it was also because of the way the student said her name. It was… unique. 

“What made you want to be a teacher?” Clarke finished hesitantly.

“Well… it’s personal,” Lexa finished.

“How about we make a deal?” Clarke offered after a few seconds.

“Depends,” Lexa answered honestly.

“I ask a question. You give an answer. You ask a question. I give you an answer,” Clarke explained. 

Lexa thought over the idea for a few moments. On one hand, she’d get the information she wanted from Clarke, not just waiting for her to open up, but it also meant that she had to open up and answer whatever questions Clarke had in store for her. It was a risky deal. “Deal,” but she took it anyway. 

“So, what made you want to be a teacher?” she repeated her earlier question, “and you have to answer honestly!”

Lexa chuckled at the girl before answering, “as a teen, I was… lost. I feel onto… the wrong side of the tracks. I had an experience that made me get my life together. That’s when I decided to be a teacher. I wanted to stop young kids from making the same mistake as me.”

“-and that’s why I’m stuck here for 2 months,” Clarke concluded, and Lexa nodded her head with a chuckle. “Alright. Your turn,” Clarke announced.

“Hmmm, what’s your favorite color?” Lexa asked.

“Seriously? I ask you about your apparently crazy past and you ask about my favorite color?” Clarke asked incredulously. 

“A color says a lot about people,” she informed her.

Clarke was thoughtful for a while. She allowed Lexa’s words to wash over her, and she decided that, for this reason, she’d made sure that she was confident in her answer before giving it. “Green. Emerald green,” she answered while looking into the teacher’s eyes. She had not done it on purpose, but she didn’t regret it.

The brunette genuinely had the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. They reminded her of the forest which she found humorous since her last name is literally “woods”. Even so, she felt so… there isn’t a word for it when she looked into the girl’s eyes. Well, there’s a word for it, but Clarke doesn’t want to admit that it’s the right one. 

“What’s yours?” Clarke returned the question.

“Blue,” Lexa answered immediately, her eyes never leaving Clarke’s.

The two stared into each other’s eyes for a while before Lexa regained her senses and looked away. 

“How’s home?” Lexa asks her question.

“Skip,” Clarke waves her hand.

“Hey! I wasn’t told that we had skips,” Lexa complained.

“‘We’ don’t. I do,” Clarke smirked.

“Nice try. How’s home?” Lexa pressed. She needed an answer.

“Weird,” Clarke answered. 

“Nope. No being vague either,” Lexa complained. 

“My mom’s ignoring me like the petty child she is. Madi’s here. Again, I’m taking care of Madi like she’s MY child,” Clarke summarized.

“Oh,” Lexa answered. She had so many more questions, but she knew it was not her turn to ask.

“Who is your most trusted confidante?” Clarke asked.

“My dad,” Lexa answered without hesitation. Clarke simply smiled at the girl, knowing that her most trusted confidante was either her father or her brother.

“What did you and your mom fight about?” Lexa asked.

“Parties,” Clarke answered vaguely.

“I thought she knew you drank?” Lexa said, confused.

“Uh uh, my question,” Clarke answered while waving her finger in the teacher’s face which made Lexa laugh. “Hmmm. How’d you meet Miss Forest and Miss Rivers?”

"Well, we've all known each other since birth basically. We've been attached at the hip since we met. We kind just click you know?" Lexa explained, and she smiled brightly when she saw the subtly smile on the student's face.

"I get it," Clarke admitted, she could relate it to the way she felt about Octavia and Raven. Despite not knowing them her whole life, she felt that they simply clicked.

“Alright. My question. Why did you fight about the parties?” Lexa asked. 

Clarke, seeming much more comfortable now, was actually starting to open up, “Well, she hadn’t expected me to actually end up drunk off my ass to the point of blacking out or whatever happened. She scolded me about drinking to which I pointed out that she has no right to scold me considering… nothing. Considering nothing.” It was obvious that Clarke was going to open up more, but she changed her mind. 

“If you had an ex, why did you break up?” Clarke asked.

“No fair! That’s two questions in one!” Lexa complained. “And how do you know I’m not seeing anyone?”

“I just figured because you’re Miss not Mrs or Ms,” Clarke pointed out.

“Whatever. Yes, I had an ex. Her name was Costia. That’s all you get,” Lexa said. She was not prepared to spill all her teenage trauma on her student, especially not over a game. Even if she wanted answers to all of her questions about Clarke. 

“I’m not surprised,” Clarke shook her head in amusement.

“Surprised about what?” Lexa asked, confused.

“That you like women,” Clarke shrugged. 

“Does that bother you?” Lexa asked with raised eyebrows. She had never considered that Clarke might be straight, not that it was any of her business.

“That would be rather hypocritical of me, Lexa,” Clarke chuckled. Lexa scrunched her eyebrows together in confusion and Clarke thought it was the cutest thing ever. “I’m bisexual,” Clarke said.

“Oh,” Lexa said. 

“Does that bother you?” she mocked her teacher’s earlier words.

“Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Clarke,” Lexa teased.

“Whatever,” Clarke stuck her tongue out at her teacher. “Your turn,” Clarke reminded her. 

“Hmmm, what’s your favorite song?” Lexa asked.

“Oh… you wouldn’t know it,” Clarke answered. Truthfully, she knew that by telling the teacher her favorite song, she would only worry about her more. 

“That’s not an answer,” she raised an accusatory eyebrow at her. 

“‘Change’ by NF,” Clarke answered honestly.

“Never heard of it. I’ll have to check it out,” Lexa said while looking at the girl with a subtle smile. Clarke immediately turned her face away. She didn’t want the teacher to listen to her favorite song as it might make her worry for her more. 

“If you couldn’t be a teacher, what career would you have picked?” Clarke asked her question, still not meeting her teacher’s eyes. 

“A journalist,” Lexa nods with a smile. That’s when Clarke finally looked up and smiled at Lexa as well. “What about you? What do you want to be?” Lexa asked.

“A Musician,” Clarke answered while averting her gaze.

“I have faith that you’ll be successful,” Lexa smiled at the girl.

“Really?” Clarke’s gaze returned to her teacher. 

“Mhm,” Lexa hummed with a big smile.

“How?” she asked.

“I’ve heard you sing,” Lexa reminded her with a smirk.

“Oh yeah. I think my mind erased that night from my memory. Too embarrassing and traumatic,” Clarke complained.

Lexa laughed, and Clarke joined her shortly after. “Shit!” Clarke exclaimed.

“Langu-”

“Not now,” Clarke cut her off while digging for her phone.

“You can’t have your phone out in detention!” Lexa exclaimed when she saw Clarke furiously typing on it.

“I need to remind Octavia to pick Madi up before she gets me,” Clarke explained, and Lexa let her use her phone after letting out a frustrated huff. She wasn’t going to let Clarke’s sister suffer just because Clarke was forgetful and made poor life choices. 

“Okay. All good,” Clarke said while putting her phone away and flipping through her notebook that was still out. 

Lexa put her hand on the page when she saw green eyes. Clarke’s head snapped to face her before looking down at the drawing sheepishly. “I didn’t know those were yours either. Well, not until earlier,” Clarke explained. 

“It’s gorgeous,” Lexa breathed. She had never really liked her eyes very much. She knew they were viewed as pretty, but she always wished she had gray eyes. She’s not sure why she wanted gray eyes; she just did. However, this drawing made her realize how truly grateful she should be. If this is how others see her eyes, she’s okay with it. 

“Thanks,” Clarke grimaced before flipping her notebook closed and putting it away. She was about to ask her question, but she checked her father’s watch and realized that her two hours are up. “Bye Lexa. See you tomorrow,” Clarke said before making her way out the door to the entrance of the school. 

Once she was outside, she saw Octavia and Madi waiting for her in the car. She smiled at her younger sister and friend before climbing into the backseat to sit with her sister. “Hey baby,” Clarke greeted her sister. 

“How was your day, Goose?” Madi asked. 

“It was surprisingly good,” Clarke smiled, earning her a glare from Octavia. She silently told her friend that she’d tell her later, and her friend nodded. “How was your day?” she asked her sister.

“It was really good. All the kids are really nice too,” she explained.

“That’s great!” she exclaimed, excited for her sister. 

Madi continued explaining her day to the older girls who listened intently the whole time. Clarke was surprised by her friend’s patience as she knew Madi had a tendency to ramble when she got excited, but Octavia actually seemed genuinely interested in what she had to say the whole time. 

Once Octavia dropped them off, the two girls quickly got ready for bed and layed down together. Madi has her own room; they just prefer to be near each other. It’s silly, but they’ve never really been separated in their lives. 

Clarke did her usual routine of humming her sister to sleep while cuddling her and stroking her hair until her sister inevitably fell asleep. Soon enough, she found herself being lulled into sleep by her sister’s breathing, so she allowed herself to be consumed by exhaustion. Of course, her last thoughts were of a certain pair of green eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so people know, the idea for asking a question, getting an answer, asking a question, and getting an answer came from "Assisting Miss Adams" by LBrooks23. Definitely do recommend. It's probably the best teacherxstudent fic I've read even if it's not Clexa. I found it on wattpad if anyone's curious.
> 
> Other than that, feedback is always appreciated :)
> 
> Also, in case you wanted to check it out: Change by NF-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccvWyzJxPRM


	12. Everyone Leaves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke, Madi, Octavia, and Raven share a meal, Clarke runs into Finn who has a lot to say, and Clarke and Lexa continue to learn more about each other.

Clarke woke up to her phone ringing. She was quick to pick up and surprised to find that it was her older brother. “Hey, Wells,” she whispered into the phone, careful not to wake Madi. 

“Hey, Clarke,” he said, a dopey smile obvious in his voice.

“What’s up?” she asked.

“So… I need girl advice,” he said quietly.

“No way!” she exclaimed excitedly for her brother. 

“Yeah… I don’t know how to approach her,” he admitted. 

Wells had never had a girlfriend in his life as far as Clarke knew, so she was not surprised to hear that he had no idea what to do. “Just be the normal, sweet you. I’m sure she’ll fall for you,” Clarke told him truthfully. Wells always did have a sort of charm to him. He was simply loveable, most of the Griffins are. 

“I know, but do I like… as her out or try to be her friend first?” he asked tentatively.

“Whatever feels right. If you get a feeling that you should ask her out, do it. If she doesn’t give you that type of signal, try to learn more about her first,” Clarke informed him.

Truthfully, Clarke had only ever been in one relationship before, and it went to hell pretty quickly. His name was Atom, and Clarke really did love him. However, he had a serious problem with drugs and cigarettes. He got violent one day, and Clarke left. He didn’t stop her, and he never went looking for her. So, really, she shouldn’t be giving relationship advice, but she is. 

“Thanks. Anyway, how’s stuff with you and the teacher,” he asked smugly.

“God. I don’t even know why I told you I didn’t know how I feel for her. I obviously hate her,” Clarke huffed.

“Sounds like sexual tension to me,” Wells said calmly.

“Wells!” she exclaimed in a whisper.

“What, I’m serious,” he said evenly with a slight chuckle in his voice.

“That’s my teacher! I don’t even know how old she is!” Clarke exclaimed, again, in a whisper. She paused before muttering, “Oh my God. I don’t even know how old she is.”

Wells immediately started laughing hysterically. “Shut up! What if she’s like 34!” Clarke complained in a groan. 

“God this is too good!” Wells continued to laugh.

“You’re such an ass,” she complained.

“But you love me anyway,” he said smugly.

“I don’t have a choice,” Clarke pointed out.

“Touche,” he said. 

“Mhm,” Clarke hummed in a “duh, I’m always right” kind of way.

Wells chuckled a little before saying, “Alright, I gotta go get the girl. Bye Clarkie.”

“Oh fuck off!” she exclaimed before she heard the line go silent. 

Once she was off the phone, she decided to get up a little early and make a nice breakfast for Madi, and she’d invite Raven and Octavia as a thanks. She made her way downstairs and began putting stuff together for french toast. Once she put the first piece of toast on the pan, she pulled out her phone to message Raven and Octavia.

**Lady Griff:**

_Im making french toast youre invited_

**Birdie:**

_Free food! Count me in_

**Octagon:**

_Gotta drive the bird -_-_

Clarke laughed at her messages before flipping the toast. She continued cooking until she had enough to feed everyone. She sent a quick text to her friends telling them to invite themselves in before going upstairs to wake Madi.

“Get up, Madi,” Clarke said gently.

“Ughhh why?” she complained.

“I made french toast,” she shook the bed as she jumped onto it. 

“Why didn’t you lead with that?” Madi exclaimed while jolting alright.

“C’mon, let’s go eat,” Clarke said while getting off the bed and running downstairs.

Once they got down, the door opened and Raven said, “Hey bitch!”

“There are children here, Rae,” Octavia scolded her while flicking her in the back of the head.

“Clarke’s her sister, and she swears like a sailor. I’m sure she’s heard it before,” Raven quipped sarcastically, and Clarke and Madi busted out in laughter. Octavia crossed her arms in faux frustration before grabbing a plate and putting some french toast on it.

Her grumpiness continued through the meal as she frustratedly cut into the toast and put it in her mouth with a frown which only made the meal that much more amusing. The other girls ate the food normally with Raven occasionally mocking Octavia. 

When they were done eating, Clarke and Madi rushed to brush their teeth and hair before joining Raven and Octavia in the latter’s car. 

The ride to Madi’s school went the same as the previous day, and the ride to the high school also went similarly. Clarke was lost in her thoughts of Miss Woods. She had seriously developed some sort of feeling for her teacher without knowing her age. She couldn’t be any older than 30. No way. Clarke refused to believe it. Not that it matters because Clarke hates her now. She thinks. 

When they finally get to the school, Clarke and Raven make their way to their first period together. “You were quiet in the car,” Raven remarks. 

“Just got a lot on my mind,” Clarke answers.

“Like?” Raven prompts.

“A lot,” Clarke said with more emphasis, making it obvious that she doesn’t want to talk about it, and Raven nods her acceptance. She understood that Clarke was still a pretty closed off person, even if she let her and Octavia in. 

They were a few steps from their first period class’ door when Clarke was slammed into a nearby locker. She slammed her head into one of the locks, causing her to see stars for a moment. “You bitch! I’m grounded for a month because of you,” he seethed while throwing her into the locker again, trying to get her to say something.

“Finn! Let go of her!” Raven yelled from behind him. It was obvious that she wanted to do something, but her body had her frozen in fear.

When Clarke finally got her wits back she slammed her head into his, causing him to stumble backwards, letting out a yelp in both surprise and pain.

“What is going on out here?” Clarke’s least favorite teacher entered the hallway. 

Clarke rubbed her head slightly before saying, “Nothing. Leave it.” She grabbed Raven’s wrist gently and carefully pulled her into their first period.

Meanwhile, Lexa was confused as to what the hell just happened. All she saw was Clarke’s back against a locker and Finn struggling to stay on his feet. However, if there’s one thing she knows about Clarke, it’s that she never starts a fit; she only finishes them.

“Let’s get you to the nurse’s office,” Lexa said while grabbing his arm to keep him upright. 

“Clarke! Your head’s bleeding,” Raven exclaimed quietly when she got a glimpse of the girl’s head.

“I’ll be fine,” she said after checking, and realizing that yes, she was bleeding. 

“You’re so stupid sometimes,” Raven huffed.

“What do you mean?” Clarke asked.

“You get hurt and never let anyone help you,” Raven pointed out.

“As if you’re any different,” Clarke said while facing her with one eyebrow raised in accusation.

“Okay, okay. Uncle,” she said while putting her hands up in surrender.

Clarke cracked a smile at her before entering taking her seat beside Raven in the classroom.

“Miss Griffin, a word?” Miss Forest called her to the front of the room.

Clarke nodded before making her way up to the class to speak with the teacher, allowing everyone to see her bloody head. Of course, her blonde hair didn’t do a very good job of hiding it.

“Why is your head bleeding?” her teacher asked her.

“It’s nothing,” Clarke told her.

“What happened,” her teacher said more firmly. In fact, Clarke had never seen the teacher so insistent about knowing something.

“Um,” Clarke gulped, “I got in a scuffle.”

“Another one?” Miss Forest accused.

“Mhm,” Clarke nodded while rubbing her neck sheepishly. She didn’t regret what she did. She didn’t start the fight. All she did was protect herself. 

“Finn?” she asked curiously, and when Clarke nodded, Miss Forest signalled for her to sit down again. “Oh, and Miss Griffin,” she said, getting the student’s attention, “stop by the nurse’s office on your way to 2nd.” Clarke smiled and nodded in agreement before returning to her work.

First period flew by, and before she knew it, she was going to the nurse’s office. When she got there, she saw Finn was laying down on a hospital-like bed with an icepack on his head, and she couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped her lips. 

When the nurse saw her enter, she began asking her what was wrong before Clarke told her that it was her head. The nurse cleaned up the wound on her head and checked her eyes for any signs of brain bleeds.

“You have a minor concussion. You’ll have to lay in here for a little bit before you can return to your classes,” the nurse told her.

“Really?” Clarke complained.

“Yes, really. Now tell me, did you have to do with Mr. Collins’ problem or the other way around?” she asked.

“Maybe. Maybe not,” Clarke shrugged while laying down on the bed farthest from Finn. She didn’t feel like sitting around for an hour or more, but she didn’t mind missing out on some of her classes.

“Why do you hate me so much?” Clarke asked after sitting in silence with Finn for an hour without any signs of being allowed to leave soon.

“You ruined my relationship,” he seethed.

“I think you did that on your own,” Clarke said calmly.

“I had everything under control until you showed up,” Finn hissed.

“‘Under control?’ you mean you had control,” Clarke quipped.

Finn remained silent for a moment. He took a moment to digest Clarke’s words before deciding it was better if he just didn’t respond. Clarke got the message and allowed him his reflective silence.

“I’m sorry about your head,” he said after a while. 

“I’m not sorry about yours,” she said blankly. She looked over to his bed and saw him nodding as if saying “fair enough” before she turned to face the wall again. 

“Look, I’m sorry for what I did to you… I just… I have a lot going on,” he tried to apologize.

Clarke turned to him, rage obvious in her eyes, “Really? That’s your excuse?” she snapped, “That made it okay to make my life a literal hell. That made it okay to publicly humiliate me, as if being the new girl isn’t hard enough. You know nothing about me, and maybe I know nothing about you. That doesn’t give you the right to act out while everyone holds their shit together because everyone goes through shit, and everyone’s shit is caused by someone else. So don’t be the asshole who makes someone go through unnecessary shit.”

The whole room was filled with a thoughtful silence. It seemed that Finn was taking Clarke’s words in, and they seemed to resonate with him. They allowed the silence to fill the room, and Clarke found it peaceful.

“Okay. You two can go,” the nurse said. 

Clarke checked her father’s watch and realized that it was now lunch. She collected her stuff and made her way to the cafeteria to meet up with Octavia and Raven.

“Hey, Clarkie. How was the nurse’s office?” Raven asked teasingly.

“Just peachy,” she huffed while sitting down with her food.

“Oh, do tell,” Octavia prompted.

“I spent the past 3 hours, alone, in a room with Finn,” Clarke explained.

“Do you need help burying the body?” Raven joked.

“No,” Clarke chuckled, enjoying her friend’s sense of humor in such an aggravating moment in time. 

“Good,” Octavia laughed while eating her food.

The rest of lunch passed with small talk and a few remarks made about Finn. Raven also filled Octavia in on what happened in the hall before first period.

When the bell finally rang, Clarke made her way to her last few classes before evil history. In fact, she was quite frustrated when all her other classes passed in what seemed like seconds, and soon enough, she was on her way to Miss Woods’ classroom.

When she entered the room, Miss Woods gave her the look that says “We’ll talk later”, and Clarke couldn’t resist the urge to roll her eyes at the teacher. Lexa didn’t miss the action, but she knew Clarke didn’t like their arrangement. 

Like usual, Clarke finished the work quickly and went back to drawing. She spent around 30 minutes on it, mostly sketching, and it didn’t take her long to realize that she was drawing her teacher from head to toe. She was also surprised in the amount of detail in it, and she closed her notebook aggressively in fear and frustration. She was scared that she was drawing her teacher and frustrated that she couldn’t get the teacher out of her head.

Lexa didn’t miss the action, and she made a note to self to see what that was all about. Maybe the girl was just having an off day?

When the bell finally rang, Lexa waited a few minutes before making her way to the seat next to Clarke’s in the back of the room. “So, are we playing our question game?” she asked.

“Is that your question?” Clarke asked.

“Is that yours?” Lexa retorted.

Clarke rolled her eyes before gesturing her hand to Lexa, telling her that she could start. “What was this morning with Finn about?” she asked.

“He was mad at me for getting him in trouble at home,” Clarke explained vaguely, and Lexa couldn’t help but feel a little alert knowing that the student was back to keeping her walls up with her.

“How old are you?” Clarke said while raising a curious eyebrow at the teacher.

“You’re not supposed to ask a lady her age, Clarke,” Lexa tried to joke playfully.

Clarke managed to crack a small, subtle, smile before rolling her eyes. “I’m 24,” Lexa answered. Clarke scrunched her face up, and Lexa laughed at her reaction.

“Why’d you hit Finn?” Lexa asked, expanding on her previous question.

“I didn’t. Well, I did but not really,” Clarke answered.

“You didn’t answer the question,” Lexa pointed out.

Clarke sighed before answering, “he slammed my head into the locker, so I slammed my head into his. I always knew he had a thick skull, but apparently mine’s thicker.” Lexa laughed aloud at the joke, and she saw Clarke manage a small smile.

“Where were you born and raised?” Clarke asked.

“Born and raised in Polis,” she said with a slight nod.

“Hmm. I’ve never been, but I heard it’s gorgeous. Is it?”

Despite it not being Clarke’s turn to ask a question, Lexa answered. She always loved talking about her home, “It is quite beautiful. Though, tell me how a girl from D.C. never sees Polis. They’re only like 30 miles away from each other.”

“Is that your question?” Clarke asked. 

“Hmm, yes,” she decided to give the girl a break from the Finn related questions. 

“My dad has bad memories there. He refused to return, and my mom refused to go without him,” Clarke answered. 

“Understandable,” Lexa said, already formulating her next question.

“Hmmm, do you have any family you’re close with other than your dad?” Clarke asked.

“I have a cousin named Lincoln,” she informed her.

“Wait… He’s not in the Army is he?” Clarke asked with a chuckle.

“Yes… he is. How’d you know that?” Lexa asked while narrowed eyes.

“Oh my God. I thought he looked familiar! He’s friends with Octavia’s brother,” Clarke exclaimed, and Lexa’s eyes just about bulged out of her head. 

Her cousin told her about having a crush on a school girl whose brother he was friends with. He has a crush on one of her students. Lexa laughed at the situation internally before asking her question to Clarke, “What happened to your dad in Polis?” Lexa asked.

“Well… he had a brother who was struggling with Depression,” she trailed off momentarily, looking for the words, “he jumped from the top of Polis Tower and ended his life.”

“Oh… I’m… I’m so sorry I asked,” Lexa apologized, suddenly seeming rather intrusive. 

“It’s quite alright. I never really knew him, so it’s not like I miss him,” he paused, “God that sounded so rude.”

“I get it,” Lexa chuckled.

“Hmmm, what’d I tell you while I was drunk that made you want to ‘help me’?” Clarke asked. The question had been eating at her for a while, but she didn’t want it to be the first one she asked.

“I- Well…. You told me you were in pain,” Lexa admitted while messing with her fingers to distract herself.

“God! Stupid drunk brain,” she smacked her forehead before immediately regretting it. “Ow,” she whimpered, eliciting a chuckle from the brunette.

“Are you alright?” she asked through her laughs though she still sounded genuinely concerned. 

“Yes, I’m fine. It’s the after effects of slamming your head into one of the most hard-headed person on the planet,” Clarke quipped, and Lexa laughed just a little harder. It was amazing how effortlessly this blonde made her laugh. 

“Why are you in pain?” Lexa asked, referring to when Clarke drunkenly admitted she was in pain.

“I just told you I sl-”

“No, when you were drunk, why’d you say it?” Lexa asked.

“I- that’s a loaded question,” Clarke said while crossing her arms.

“Give me one thing,” Lexa pushed.

“I- I feel so alone,” she said while turning her head away from the teacher and averting her eyes. 

Lexa got the sudden urge to gently grab the girl’s chin to make her look at her, but she refrained. “Clarke,” she cooed, “Look at me.”

Clarke shook her head, telling her that she didn’t want to talk about it, and she didn’t want to look at her. “You’re not alone,” Lexa said to her, and Clarke thought it sounded a lot like a promise.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Lexa,” Clarke said, making sure to use the teacher’s first name to add sincerity, “Everyone’s alone because everyone leaves eventually. One way or another.”

“Well that’s a rather sad way of looking at it,” Lexa remarked.

“It’s the way of the world. Everyone. Leaves,” Clarke reiterated.

“Clarke,” Lexa breathed sadly, and this time she was not able to stop herself from gently grabbing the girl’s face and turning towards her.

Clarke gasped at the touch, but she didn’t fight it. In fact, she found herself leaning into the touch.

Lexa gasped when she saw what was in the girl’s eyes. All she saw was pain. Hurt. Nostalgia. She softened her eyes at the girl. “I won’t leave,” she said like a sincere promise. 

“You can’t keep that promise,” Clarke said while trying to turn her head, but Lexa didn’t let her. Instead, she just averted her gaze. 

“Look at me,” Lexa practically demanded, but her voice still had a gente edge to it. Still, Clarke found herself heeding her teacher’s demands. All she saw in her beautiful green eyes was sincerity and sadness. “I’m not leaving you,” Lexa repeated.

Clarke started tearing up. No one had told her anything like this. No one had been this genuine. When a tear finally fell down her cheek, she was quick to wipe it away, but she couldn’t stop herself from pulling her teacher into a tight hug. “Thank you,” she whispered into the teacher’s ear.

Lexa nodded and patted the girl’s back comfortingly. She didn’t make a habit out of hugging her students, but she knew that Clarke probably never really got this kind of reassurance from an older woman, and she figured that Clarke might need it. 

Once Clarke got herself together, she pulled away from the teacher and wiped her tears away aggressively to hide the fact that she had been crying. “I don’t make promises I can’t keep either,” Lexa assured her with a smile, and Clarke couldn’t stop herself from returning it. 

“What’s your favorite food?” Clarke asked with a chuckle, returning to their game.

“Chinese,” Lexa answered with a firm nod.

“No way!” Clarke exclaimed with a giggle.

“What?” Lexa asked curiously with a smile.

“Me too,” she admitted with a slight grin. 

“Alright, favorite movie?” Lexa asked, keeping the topic light. 

“That’s a tough one. Would it be weird if I said Mulan?” Clarke laughed, knowing that not many teens pick Disney movies as their favorite. 

“No, not at all. It’s actually quite a good choice. It might not be one of the classics, but it’s all about feminism and equality. How could you not like it?” Lexa agreed, and Clarke smiled appreciatively at her.

“What about your favorite movie?” Clarke asked.

“Hmmm, I don’t know. The Notebook?” Lexa offered with a shrug.

“Wow, I never pegged you as a hopeless romantic,” Clarke joked.

“Rude,” Lexa remarked.

“It’s okay. I am too,” Clarke laughed. 

“Yeah, but you’re supposed to be a hopeless romantic. You’re young and what-not,” Lexa said while gesturing to Clarke.

“You’re young as well,” Clarke pointed out.

“Eh, most people my age are married,” Lexa pointed out. 

“Miss Forest and Miss Rivers aren’t,” Clarke argued.

“Okay, good point,” Lexa agreed with a chuckle.

“Why aren’t you married anyway. I mean, not to pry, but it’s not like you’re unattractive,” Clarke said while eyeing the teacher. When she realized what she did and said her eyes widened and she began stuttering for an apology.

Lexa just laughed at her student. However, her remark about Lexa not being unattractive before proceeding to check her out made Lexa get a strange feeling in her stomach, but she chose to ignore it. “That’s not something I’m sharing with you,” Lexa said. 

“Oh come on! I thought we were getting close,” Clarke said with a pout.

“I tell you what, you tell me everything about your fights with your mother, and I’ll tell you why I’m not married,” Lexa offered. She usually wasn’t one to bargain like this, but her curiosity was killing her. 

“Hmmm,” Clarke thought on it for a while, “Deal.”

“You first,” Lexa said.

“Well, at first she tried to scold me about how drunk as was. My dad told me I could go out as long as I was responsible. I felt myself getting angrier with everything she accused me of so I kept telling her to stop. My exact words were ‘we’re not doing this’. Eventually, I just walked away. Eventually my brother tried to talk to me which only made me angrier. A few minutes later my mom showed up, and I told her to go away. She simply sat outside my door and said ‘I’m here’. Yeah, only took her 17 and a half years,” Clarke huffed.

“She was only looking out for you,” Lexa pointed out.

“Bull shit. She never looked out for any of us. I could’ve died, and she wouldn’t have known until hours later. Yeah, maybe she cares, but never looks out for us,” Clarke said, and Lexa decided to stop trying to defend Clarke’s mom as it was only making her angrier. 

“I have a feeling there’s more,” Lexa prompted.

Clarke nodded before adding, “She said we needed to talk later that day… or maybe the next day. I don’t remember. Anyway, I basically said I wasn’t talking to her, and she used my full name. My full name! I didn’t even know she knew my full name! I ended up listening to her, and she said that I can’t just drink my feelings away. Yeah, no shit, Abbigail. Then I kinda slipped up about already being in trouble for drinking with you, but don’t worry I covered for you. I might not like you, but I don’t want to get you fired for something as silly as caring,” Clarke paused to look at Lexa who exhaled gratefully, “That’s when she said I shouldn’t go to more parties. I asked her when the hell she started caring, and she said she always did. Then I kinda snapped and maybe kinda told her I drank myself into an alcohol coma.”

Lexa’s eyes bulged out of her head at the end before nodding. She asked for answers, and she got them. She was in no place to scold Clarke about her reactions because they were in the past, and they weren’t her business. 

“Your turn,” Clarke said, seeming a lot more interested in the conversation now. 

“My ex, Costia, she well… She died. That’s why I’m not married,” Lexa explained vaguely. 

“I- sorry,” Clarke apologized. 

“Don’t worry about it. It was years ago,” Lexa said, though her voice was sullen.

“Sorry,” Clarke repeated.

She glanced at her father’s watch and saw that detention had ended a while ago, so she apologized again before saying goodbye to the teacher. She made her way to the entrance of the school, and she found Octavia and Madi waiting in Octavia’s car impatiently.

“You’re late,” Octavia remarked.

“Sorry, I got caught up,” Clarke explained, and Octavia nodded, not pushing the conversation anymore. The car ride passed quickly, and Clarke was happy to be home. 

She made sure Madi did her homework while making a quick dinner for the two of them and leaving leftovers for her mom. Once they ate, Clarke and Madi got ready for bed and followed their usual night routine. It only took the two of them a few minutes to fall into a peaceful sleep.


	13. Pretty Damn Good Lemonade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get to see a bit more into Lexa's morning routine + banter with Luna/Anya/Lexa. Lexa and Clarke continue to learn more about each other (THIS CHAPTER GETS A LITTLE HEAVY, BUT THERE'S A TRIGGER WARNING)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey peoples, just wanted to say that I've been writing a story for about a month now, but I haven't posted it. If I do, it will be on wattpad (you can find it on my website which is in my bio). Anyway, it takes place in the canon world, but it's a little different. Also, LOTSSS of Clexa fluff and angst. It's got 80k words, and it's still a work in progress. I'll probably post it today and start updating weekly for now in case you guys care to check it out.

That morning, Lexa woke up to yelling from the kitchen. She knew what this meant, so she was quick to jump out of bed and get to the kitchen. When she arrived, she was not at all surprised to find a flustered Anya whipping a towel at a now extinguished fire.

“Jesus, Anya! Are you trying to kill us in our sleep?” she exclaimed, startling the other woman.

“I was just trying to make breakfast!” she reasoned.

“Nope. That’s it. I tried to be nice, but I can’t anymore. You’re banished from the kitchen. Out, now,” Lexa said while walking to the pan said fire had been in.

“If you ban me from the kitchen, I’ll never learn how to cook,” Anya argued.

“Yes, Anya, that’s the whole point,” Lexa pointed out while cleaning the pan and other surfaces.

“Hurricane Anya again?” Luna asked as she exited her room, rubbing at her tired eyes. 

“Yes. Also, she’s officially been banned from the kitchen,” she said while narrowing her eyes at Anya. 

“Finally, it only took you 3 years,” Luna chuckled while grabbing an apple from the fridge. 

“I was hoping she’d figure it out by now,” Lexa explained herself.

“Obviously not. She’s hopeless,” she said while running a finger over Anya’s shoulder in faux sadness for the girl.

“Oh fuck yourselves,” Anya muttered before sitting in the living room.

“Oh, honey, I do,” Luna teased her further.

“Ew!” Lexa and Anya exclaimed at the same time.

“As if you don’t,” she huffed. “Neither of you have been laid in years,” Luna reminded them.

“Yes, Luna, thank you for the reminder,” Lexa sighed while moving on to clean the counter. 

“Hey, Lex, why do you always clean up the kitchen when Anya destroys it?” Luna asked while hopping onto a freshly-cleaned counter.

“One, get your dirty ass off the counter,” she began, flicking a finger from Luna to the ground, gesturing for her to get down, “Two, because I know you won’t and Anya would just destroy it further.”

“Ah, you know me so well,” she said while jumping down and walking back to her room to get ready for the day. 

“She’s so weird. Why are we friends with her again?” Anya asked.

“You’re the one who dated her,” Lexa pointed out.

“You had a crush on her,” Anya reminded her.

“Ew, that was Freshman year. I had no taste back then,” Lexa reasoned.

“Doesn’t change the facts,” Anya said while lazily pointing a finger accusingly at Lexa.

“Whatever. She just has this… it’s like a fucking pheromone she gives off. She just exists and everyone’s like ‘Damn’,” Lexa tried to explain.

“Exactly! I never knew how to explain, but that fucking sums it up,” Anya agreed while throwing a celebratory fist in the air and pulling it back down. 

Lexa laughed with Anya for a bit before getting herself ready for her day. She was getting slightly annoyed by her arrangement with Clarke because she hated staying after school. It also meant that she had to drive herself to the school which wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t ideal. 

Once she was ready, she jumped in her car and drove to the school. Somehow, she was actually on time. When she entered the school, she saw Clarke walking with Raven and Octavia. She looked really happy, and it brought a subtle smile to Lexa’s face. She was also surprised to find that the girls were just as early to school as her.

She walked to her classroom, and she was surprised to find Clarke there when she entered. “Hello, Clarke,” she greeted the young blonde.

“Hey Miss,” she paused when Lexa shot her a look, “Lexa.”

“What do you need?” Lexa asked her.

“I’m going to be missing the rest of the school week, so can you give me the work for tomorrow and Friday?” she asked.

“Why are you missing it?” Lexa asked, mostly because she was kind of starting to look forward to their after school sessions. They actually helped her a little, maybe even more than they helped Clarke at this point. 

“It’s my sister’s birthday, so my mom, Madi, and I are flying back to D.C. to celebrate,” she explained with a smile on her face.

“It’s nice to see you happy,” Lexa noted with a smile of her own while handing the girl the work she had planned for the rest of the week.

“It’s nice to feel happy,” she agreed while taking the work from the teacher’s hand. “Will I have to make up for the missed detentions?” she asked after a few seconds of silence.

“Don’t worry about it,” Lexa waved off her question. As much as she’d miss talking to the blonde, she was glad to see the girl happy, and she didn’t want to ruin it.

“Thanks,” she smiled a little bit bigger and left the room. 

Lexa’s morning classes passed painfully slowly. She had spent most of the classes thinking about Clarke. She knew it was wrong, and she hated it. She just couldn’t stop herself from wondering about the girl. Worrying about the girl. 

She was thinking about the girl’s mother a lot as well. As someone who has to pay bills, rent, buy groceries, and other things like that, she knows how hard it is to scrap together the money for it, even with three other people living with her.

She can’t imagine how hard it must be for one woman to do all of that on her own, especially for one as big as the house Clarke lives in. Lexa understands that Clarke’s mother just wants the best she can offer her; she just forgot to give her the little things along the way. 

She also can’t seem to understand how Clarke feels alone. Well, she understands it because she’s been there; where you’re surrounded by people but you still feel alone. She just can’t understand how Clarke has all these siblings who both depend on her and who can be depended on, and she still feels alone. Lexa never had that. Not that it makes her feelings less valid, she simply can’t quite wrap her head around it, not without a better explanation at least. 

Eventually, lunch rolled around, and Lexa welcomed the break. She really needed to talk with her friends to get her mind off of her student. She met up with Anya in her room, and together they walked to meet Luna in the teacher’s lounge to eat.

Once they were all there, they sat down to eat and began their usual talk about their morning classes. Luna mentioned that two students got injured in her class earlier, and Anya said that she almost broke her neck while trying to teach her class calculus. However, once it got to Lexa, she had nothing to say. She had spent most of her classes zoned out aside from calling on students and giving instructions. 

“You’re telling me that nothing interesting happened all day?” Luna asked for confirmation.

“Clarke stopped by in homeroom to get work; that’s it,” Lexa told them.

“Yeah, she wanted work for the rest of the week. Did she tell you why?” Anya asked.

“Yes… did she not tell you?” Lexa asked curiously.

“Nope,” she said flatly.

“She does know that she has to give the school a note anyway, right?” Luna added.

“Probably, but that doesn’t mean she wants to tell everyone about her personal life,” Lexa pointed out.

“She sure as hell wants to tell you,” Luna huffed.

“Oh, are you jealous,” Anya teased.

“Pffft, no. I could care less,” Luna said, but she wasn’t very convincing. 

“Mhm,” Anya hummed sarcastically.

It was quiet for a few seconds before Anya randomly tilted her head to look at Lexa and exclaimed, “It’s the fucking pheromone!” 

“The what?” Luna and Lexa asked at the same time.

“Clarke has the fucking pheromone,” Anya leaned in towards Lexa to try and get her point across. That’s when Lexa got what she meant. She started laughing hysterically and nodding her head in agreement; Clarke definitely has the pheromone.

“You’ve lost me,” Luna informed them.

“Nothing,” Anya waved her off.

“No fair! I deserve to know the secret,” she whined dramatically.

“You know how everyone flung themselves at you in high school?” Lexa asked, trying to explain what they were talking about tot Luna.

“Yes, but I don’t see what that has to do with Clarke and a pheromone,” Luna answered.

“Anya and I agreed that there’s just something about you that makes everyone want you. We said it was like a pheromone; a chemical released into the environment by an animal that affects the behaviors and physiology of others in its species,” Lexa explained further.

“Woah, when did you become a scientist, Lexa,” Luna teased.

“Besides the point. Anyway, we’re saying that Clarke gives off the same ‘pheromone’ you do that just makes everyone want to know her,” Lexa concluded.

“You know what,” Luna began, “that explains a whole fucking lot.”

The other two girls nodded their heads in agreement before returning to their meals. “Wait, so why is Clarke leaving for the rest of the week?” Luna asked after a while.

“It’s none of your business,” Lexa told her while bopping her on the nose, “so nosey.”

“I’m just curious,” Luna shrugged.

“Too bad, you’re not getting answers,” Lexa said while crossing her arms and legs in a guarded stance.

“Uncool, you’re not allowed to use your commander stance with me,” Luna huffed.

“My what?” Lexa asked.

“That’s what we call it when you get all guarded like that. You just look so… regal, but also scary. Hence ‘Commander’,” Anya explained.

“That makes sense,” Lexa agreed, not wavering in her stance. 

They ate for a few more minutes in relative silence before the bell rang, signalling the end of lunch. The three girls went their separate ways and walked to their individual classrooms. 

The rest of Lexa’s classes passed fairly quick up until her last period. Last period always seemed to pass the slowest, both because it was the last class of the day and because she spent the whole class watching what Clarke was doing.

Everytime she found herself looking at the girl, she’d internally scold herself, but she always found herself looking at her again. It was like no matter what, she couldn’t take her eyes off the girl, and it ignored her to no end. She was also pretty sure that Clarke was aware of it because she’d occasionally look up and smile at the teacher, but Lexa couldn’t shake the thought that she was making the girl uncomfortable by staring. 

When the bell finally rang, Lexa lazily made her way to the chair next to Clarke like she did every other day. “So,” Lexa prompted.

“...What happened to Costia?” Clarke asked hesitantly.

Lexa was initially shocked by the question, but she figured she did kind of owe the girl an answer. She didn’t have to be super specific, but she did owe the girl a less vague answer after she spilled her guts about her mother to the teacher. “She- uh… She overdosed,” Lexa explained.

“Oh-” Clarke cut herself off, and she seemed to get her lost in her own thoughts for a while. 

Lexa watched the girl think. She wanted to know what was going on in the girl’s head, but she was pretty sure she already had an idea. Clarke probably thinks that’s why she wanted to help; because she didn’t want her to overdose like her ex. However, Lexa actually doesn’t want her to overdose like she did. Granted, Lexa didn’t die when she overdoes, but it still happened. She could’ve died. 

“How was your morning?” Lexa asked simply.

“It was really pleasant actually,” Clarke admitted with a smile.

“Care to elaborate?” Lexa asked tentatively.

Clarke thought for a moment before saying, “Well, this morning Madi woke me up early because she wanted me to make her breakfast and apparently I ‘slept in’ even though it was 5 minutes before I usually wake up.” The blonde laughed at her sister’s antics, and Lexa smiled at her. The girl was so pretty when she laughed, not that Lexa would ever admit that to anyone but herself.

“Oh! Then when we were eating, she accidentally poured her syrup into her orange juice instead of the dipping bowl I got her,” Clarke chuckled lightly, “and she still drank it!” Lexa laughed along with the girl, loving how it managed to keep her laughing even just a little bit longer.

“And then when we were brushing our teeth, she kept trying to tell me about everyone at school, so she just ended up spitting up her toothpaste everywhere. Of course, I started laughing at her so then my toothpaste got everywhere- It was a mess,” she smiled brightly before allowing her face to drop, signaling that she was done talking about her morning.

“Sounds fun,” Lexa told her sincerely.

“How was your morning?” Clarke returned the question.

“Miss Forest tried to cook again,” Lexa laughed while scrunching her nose up at the idea.

“I’m sure that went well,” Clarke joked.

“She almost burnt the whole house down. I woke up to her screaming, and then I had to clean up her mess and banish her from the kitchen,” Lexa informed the girl with a slight chuckle. At the time, the events were not so amusing, but now she found them hilarious. 

“You banished her?” Clarke snorted.

“Yes. She has been cast out. If she dares even enter the kitchen, off with her head!” Lexa joked while making a cutting motion.

“You can’t cut her head off,” Clarke complained with a fake pout, “she’s the only math teacher whose class I actually understand.”

“Oh, whatever will you do without math?” Lexa asked sarcastically while putting a dramatic hand over her forehead, causing the younger girl to snort her laughter. 

“Well… You’re right. I don’t really need math for my career. Off with her head!” Clarke agreed through her laughter.

“Good, I have approval,” Lexa joked further.

“I’ll help you bury the body too,” Clarke whispered.

“Ah, yes. I might require assistance,” Lexa agreed rather seriously which only made Clarke laugh even harder. 

“On a more personal note, what are you getting your sister for her birthday?” Lexa asked the girl since it was her turn to ask a question. 

“Well, she has a weird fascination with pocket knives and daggers, so I got her some fancy ones for her collection, and then I drew a picture of her, Madi, and I. I like getting them something somewhat expensive and something sentimental,” Clarke explained.

“I’m sure she’ll love it,” Lexa smiled reassuringly at the girl.

“I hope so. I spent 20 hours on that drawing,” Clarke huffed.

“20 hours?” Lexa asked incredulously.

“Yes, Miss Woods,” Clarke teased, “art takes time.”

“Well I know that,” she huffed, “20 hours just sounds like a lot.”

“There are pieces that take longer,” Clarke shrugged.

“I don’t have that kind of patience,” Lexa laughed.

“Yet you’re a high school teacher,” Clarke pointed out the flaw in her logic.

“Okay, touche,” Lexa put her hands up in surrender. 

“Okay, when’s your birthday?” Clarke asked.

“October 24th,” Lexa answered. “Yours?” she asked after the girl was quiet for a while.

“March 13th,” Clarke answered.

Lexa nodded and gestured to Clarke, allowing her to ask another question. “Your cousin Lincoln, is he a good guy?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

“The best I know,” Lexa answered both honestly and suspiciously. She wasn’t quite sure why her student was asking.

“Asking for a friend,” she smiled devilishly.

“Octavia?” Lexa asked knowingly.

“Maybe,” she smirked, and that gave it all away. It was indeed for Octavia. 

“My turn?” Lexa asked curiously, and the blonde nodded, “May I flip through your sketchbook?” Lexa asked. 

“I don’t know,” Clarke said rather sheepishly, “there’s some creepy and embarrassing things in there.”

“You don’t have to say yes,” Lexa assured her. She didn’t want to force the girl into something that would make her uncomfortable. 

“I want to,” Clarke said while looking into the teacher’s eyes and handing her the book, “just promise you won’t let it scare you away.”

“I told you I’m not leaving,” Lexa reassured her while flipping to a random page in the book.

Most of the drawings were of nature; trees, flowers, bushes, landscapes, the beach. However, there were a few sketches of Raven, Octavia, her sisters and brother, and quite a good bit of Lexa herself. There were also a few that seemed to be based on pure creativity. Like there was a golden cog and a few other spontaneous designs that seemed to have no other purpose. 

“They’re gorgeous,” Lexa finally breathed while returning the book to the girl. 

“Thank you,” she smiled sheepishly while grabbing the book.

“Your turn,” Lexa reminded her after a few seconds.

“Oh, yeah! Ummm… What clique were you in in high school?” Clarke asked.

“I- errr… Well I was a jock,” Lexa admitted.

“No fucking way!” Clarke exclaimed while giggling. 

Lexa narrowed her eyes at the girl for the use of language, but Clarke just narrowed her eyes as well. They found themselves in a kind of staring stalemate until Clarke eventually just started laughing. 

“Okay, I see it now,” Clarke conceded after she stopped laughing. 

“See what? Lexa asked.

“You being a jock,” Clarke chuckled.

“A glare changed your mind?” Lexa asked while raising an eyebrow at the blonde suspiciously.

“I’m good at reading people,” Clarke shrugged.

“Hmmm,” Lexa hummed sarcastically.

“I am!” Clarke defended herself.

“Prove it,” Lexa said while giving off her most guarded posture.

“What do you mean?” Clarke asked, confused.

“What am I hiding?” Lexa asked while adjusting her position and thinking of something she wanted to hide from the girl. 

“You have a dark past,” Clarke concluded matter-of-factly after a few minutes of studying.

“Elaborate,” Lexa prompted.

“Uhh… I don’t know if you want me to,” Clarke said, not wanting to bring up bad memories for the teacher. 

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked.

“Well, on the off chance that I am wrong, I don’t want to offend you, and if I’m right… I don’t want to offend you,” Clarke said with a strangled chuckle, revealing her uncertainty.

“Say it. What did you gather?” Lexa asks, still sure the student got no information from her.

******Trigger Warning: Self Harm/”Domestic” Abuse(?)******

“Well, I already know you lost the ex, but if I didn’t know, I’d have figured it out. Well, some sort of deep loss. I suppose that could be your mother too,” Clarke started while raising eye, silently asking if she’s right and if she could continue. When the brunette nodded, Clarke continued, “substance abuse, some sort of traumatic accident, probably in your teens, and self harm?” she said the last sentence with uncertainty, obviously not wanting to upset the teacher with her assumptions.

“How the-” Lexa stuttered, not sure how the student deduced all of that from looking at her.

“Well, the ex and the mom bit was partially from memory, and your eyes. Eyes give away a lot about a person,” she said while staring into Lexa’s eyes for emphasis, “they aren’t called the window to the soul for nothing.”

Lexa nodded her understanding before asking tentatively, “and the last bit?”

“Substance abuse. Drugs mostly. People tend to insert needles into their femoral area- the thigh or forearms, and you only cross your legs over your knees- probably out of habit. You also avoid pressure on your forearms, probably for the same reason,” Clarke asked while raising an eyebrow questioningly again.

“Yes…” Lexa confirmed hesitantly, and Clarke smiled, happy because she was opening up, but also a little sad for the teacher.

“Traumatic event because you always cross your arms and legs; you’re constantly guarded. You don’t like to let people in. The teens' addition was mostly because you probably wouldn’t remember it if it happened in your childhood,” Clarke concluded, and Lexa nodded again, confirming the girl’s thoughts. “Lastly… Self harm. Your eyes always look sad and… clouded with regret and pain. It’s obvious you try to hide it, but I knew what to look for. Also, when you wore short sleeves the other day, I saw the scars,” Clarke said, but her voice held no malice or judgement. “Don’t worry, I think I only saw it cuz I’m overly attentive, and I would never tell anyone about that. It’s none of my business in the first place,” she assured the teacher with her hands up in the air in surrender.

“Well, now that you suddenly know everything about me…” she trailed off with an uncomfortable chuckle. 

Clarke took a deep breath, debating what she was about to do. She had never shared this part of herself with anyone, but she felt that it might help the teacher. Actually, she thought it might help her too. Without thinking it over too much more, she rolled up her sleeves, revealing scars that were similar to the teacher’s. 

Lexa gasped and tentatively reached for the girl’s arm. Clarke took a deep breath, willing herself not to hide it away anymore. “When was this?” she asked curiously.

“Ages ago,” she assured the teacher, “haven’t done it since, and I don’t plan on doing it again.”

“Good,” Lexa said while letting go of the student’s arm. 

“You?” Clarke asked hesitantly.

“Ages ago. Haven’t done it since, and I don’t plan on doing it again,” she repeated the words Clarke did, willing a smile to break out on the younger girl’s face. 

Lexa, still, couldn’t shake how much she wanted to know what forced such a girl to do something like that. “I’ll tell if you do,” Clarke seemed to read the teacher’s mind. \

Lexa nodded and began, knowing the student kept her word, and if Lexa went first, the blonde would share her story as well. “After my… traumatic accident,” Lexa might be opening up, but she wasn’t ready to admit, to a student, that she had almost died from her substance abuse, “I turned to it. I was done with drugs and alcohol, but I still needed something.”

“I get it,” Clarke shrugged nonchalantly.

“Your turn,” Lexa said.

“I can’t believe I’m gonna say this,” she chuckled. 

“You don’t have to,” Lexa assured her, though she was seriously curious now.

“No, we made a deal, and I keep my word,” Clarke assured her, and Lexa smiled at the girl.

With one last deep breath, Clarke began to explain, “A year or so before I moved here, I was involved with a guy named Atom. He was sweet… most of the time. When he got drunk though, he’d get so mean. He said awful things about me, physically, mentally, emotionally… sexually, anyway, it made me feel bad about myself. I was so scared to leave him because I thought no one would ever love me… because of what he said. One night, he got really drunk and physical. I left. At the time I still thought that no one would love me, but that was when I realized that neither did he.”

***********

“That-” Lexa started.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Clarke shrugged. She still felt that she wasn’t enough, in any sense of the word, but she didn’t want the teacher to worry.

“I know we’re not close, and I might be over stepping a line, but you’re an amazing person. Sure, you’ve got your fair share of baggage, but so does everyone. And, given the lemons life gave you, I’d say you made some pretty damn good lemonade,” Lexa laughed at her joke, and Clarke couldn’t help but contribute to the melodious sound of laughter now feeling the room. 

It truly was strange how they were able to laugh through these kinds of situations, but that was the beauty of it. Two people who had similar problems, for different reasons, bonding over shared struggles and triumphs. 

Clarke checked her watch and noticed the time. “Well, now that we’ve spilled our guts, I’ve gotta get going. I have a plane to catch,” she smiled brightly, and Lexa thought it was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. 

“Good bye, Clarke. Have a good trip,” she said to the girl with a wave as she left.

“Have a good rest of the week, Lexa,” she smiled back at the girl before putting her hand on the door frame and swinging into the hallway.


	14. Distress in D.C.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finally goes home to D.C. and reunites with her family and revisits her happy place that quickly turns to a not-so-happy place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter made me a little sad and nostalgic. I actually grew up in an area about 20 minutes from D.C. but I moved around 6 years ago to a different state. I honestly miss the city so much, and I haven't been recently. Point being, despite going there a billion times in my somewhat short life, I had to google the city to make sure what I said was accurate.

“Madi, are you ready to go?” Clarke asked her younger sister once she double checked her suitcase and carry-on bag.

“I’m scared,” she admitted, “I don’t like flying.”

Clarke pulled her sister into a gentle embrace. “I won’t let anything happen to you,” she promised while pushing her sister out to arms length while keeping hold of her shoulders. She gently kissed head and asked again, “Are you ready?”

She sighed, “I guess so.”

“Did you remember to pack Charlotte’s gift?” Clarke asked.

“Of course I did, silly Goose. How could I forget,” she giggled, and Clarke grinned brightly at her little sister. She always found a way to make Clarke smile about the smallest things. 

“Clothes, toothbrush?” Clarke checked, and Madi nodded in annoyance. “Hair brush?” Clarke raised her eyebrows accusingly at her, knowing her sister had a tendency to “forget” her hairbrush, so she didn’t have to brush her rats nest of hair. 

“Yes, Clarke,” she confirmed.

“Alright,” she smiled and ruffled her sister’s hair, “let’s go.”

“I’ll go tell Abby,” Madi said. Even if they tried to hide it, she knew that her older sister and her mom weren’t on the best of terms, and she wanted this little trip to be as enjoyable as possible for everyone involved. It was surprising enough that their mom even took off work for it. Usually she only took off the day of one of their birthdays, but I guess the situation has changed. 

“Thank you,” she smiled at her younger sister thankfully, “I’ll put our bags into the car.”

Madi nodded and hurried off to find their mother. “Mom!” she called into her mother’s room. 

“Yes, Madi?” she asked curiously.

“Are you ready to go?” she asked.

“Yes, sweety,” she said shortly.

“Are you alright?” Madi asked while tilting her head to the side curiously.

“I’m fine,” her mother assured her.

“Is it because of Clarke?” Madi asked, not believing, at all, that her mother was fine. She might not like her mom very much for being absent and ignoring them, but she also knew that the woman probably had some struggles of her own. Despite being babied all her life, Madi was actually quite mentally mature, but that didn’t mean she didn’t like to be babied, especially by her oldest sister. That’s part of the reason why her mother and sister’s stand-off was bothering her so much.

“Clarke and I are fine, Madi,” her mother assured her.

“There you go again,” Madi rolled her eyes in annoyance.

“What?” Abby asked curiously, maybe a bit annoyed as well.

“All you ever do is lie,” Madi said while walking out of her mother’s room. 

All of Madi’s life, she has only ever heard her mother lie. She was well aware that it was usually to protect them, and she could respect that. However, she hated liars, and she would make no exception for her mother. 

“Madi,” her mother sighed running after her. 

Madi turned to face her mother, and Abby grinned slightly at the fire in the younger girl’s eyes. It reminded her a lot of Clarke’s, and she was endlessly reminded of how much her eldest daughter stepped up for her. She was glad that Clarke had stepped in for Madi and Charlotte, God only knows where they’d be without her. However, Abby is sorry that she put Clarke in such a position, and the realization of that was enough to set her straight-faced again. 

“Clarke and I… We have our differences,” Abby began.

“Well you don’t say,” Madi muttered in a sigh. Luckily, Abby didn’t hear.

“I admit, I’ve been a horrible mother, but I do try,” she smiled at her youngest daughter, “I admit that maybe I didn’t try hard enough, and that’s why I’ve decided to take on less hours at the hospital. It’s why I’m going on this trip with you guys.”

Madi’s eyes went wide, and she swore she stopped breathing. Abby was trying? She was finally trying to step into their lives? Madi was happy, though not for herself. It was most likely too late for Abby to win her over. Madi’s most impressionable years were spent with Clarke, and she didn’t think anything Abby did would change that. 

She was happy for her older siblings. She knew Wells would fall right back into the swing of things with Abby as his mother as he never really realized that she didn’t act like one. Clarke and Charlotte would definitely be more hesitant, especially considering how stubborn and determined they are, but if Abby really wanted to be in their lives properly, she’d do what it took. Madi was hopeful that it would help heal the trauma of her older sister’s childhood.

Madi simply nodded at her mother and said, “I’ll tell Clarke to get your bags.”

Abby nodded, realizing that she did just unload quite a bit onto her youngest daughter, but she feared she had to. It was obvious that soon enough, Madi would learn to hate her just as much as Clarke and Charlotte seemed to. Abby never wanted that, and she wants Madi, and the rest of her family, to know that she’s trying to do better for them.

“I’ll start the car,” Abby smiled. 

Madi walked to her older sister who was grabbing the last of their bags from their shared room. “She’s starting the car,” she informed her, “I told her you’d get her bags.” Clarke nodded and smiled at her youngest sister.

Madi always loved that Clarke smiled at her whenever she saw her. It truly made Clarke even more of a mother figure for her. It should’ve been Abby that smiled when Madi entered a room. It should be Abby who babies her. It should be Abby who drives her to school, but it isn’t. In fact, her mother always seemed bored, maybe even bothered, by her presence. She hoped that wasn’t the case, but that’s how it felt. Yet another reason why she’d choose Clarke over Abby any day if the need ever arose. 

“Did you pack earbuds?” Clarke asked Madi.

“Why?” Madi furrowed her eyebrows.

“So you can play music and block out the sound of the plane,” Clarke reasoned.

“I don’t even have anything to listen on,” Madi pointed out.

“I do,” Clarke reminded her while holding up her phone. 

“What will you do on the plane then?” Madi scrunched up her face.

“I’ll figure something out,” she shrugged, “Go find some earbuds.” She smiled reassuringly before shooing her sister off to find a pair of earbuds. 

While Madi scavenged for a pair of earbuds, Clarke continued hauling their bags to the car. This was usually a job her and Wells shared for family trips, but, well, not this time for obvious reasons. 

The thought alone made her mood fall a little. That is, until she reminded herself that she’d be seeing him, and Charlotte, again in a matter of hours. That realization put a little skip in her step. 

Soon enough, she managed to load everyone’s bags into the trunk of the car, and everyone was seated in their spots with their individual bags in their laps. “Ready?” Abby asked them.

“Mhm,” Clarke hummed excitedly while turning on the radio. It was obvious that she had no intentions of talking on the way to the airport, and Abby figured that might be best considering the recent conversations she had with her two children. It would certainly take time for them to come around, but she had faith that they would. 

When they arrived at the airport, they all grabbed their bags and made their way through the various security and checking sites around the airport until they eventually reached their gate. 

When the plane finally began boarding, Clarke sensed her sister’s uneasiness and gripped her hand tightly in reassurance. Madi smiled her thanks at her eldest sister before allowing her to guide her to their seats, following their mother.

Upon sitting down, Madi decided to sit in the middle. She had claimed it was because looking out the window would make her more uneasy, and she didn’t like sitting around strangers. Truthfully, she just didn’t want her mother and sister to fight on the plane, and she figured the odds of that were less likely if she sat between them. 

“Clarke,” Madi poked her older sister’s side to get her attention. When Clarke looked at her little sister, Madi asked, “Can I have your phone?” The flight attendants had just told everyone that the plane would be taking off soon, and Madi was feeling uneasy. 

“You shouldn’t wear earbuds on the ascent, Baby. You’ll hurt your ears,” Clarke said while carefully and gently pinching her ears, causing Madi to giggle and squirm a little. 

Madi was still feeling uneasy, and as usual, Clarke sensed it and grabbed her sister’s hand. Madi glanced up and smiled at her older sister, and Clarke squeezed her sister’s hand in reassurance. 

Once the plan took off, Madi’s grip on Clarke’s hand tightened, and Clarke squeezed it lightly to remind her sister that she was there. Madi’s grip loosened, but it was obvious that she was still tense.

When they were finally in the air and no longer ascending, Clarke unlocked her phone and found a playlist of age-appropriate music for Madi before handing it to the brunette. Madi grinned gleefully at her sister before plugging her earbuds in. She put them in her ears before leaning her head on her older sister’s shoulder to relax.

Meanwhile, Abby was watching the exchange, feeling slightly envious and mad. She was mad at herself for not being present in children’s life, and not being able to be the one to hold their hands when they’re scared. In fact, she was envious for the same reasons. She  wanted to be the one holding their hands, but she was well aware that, as of now, she didn’t have that right. Instead, she plugged her own earbuds in and started a movie up on her phone. It was a three hour flight after all. 

Clarke didn’t have much to do for the plane ride, so she turned her head to face the window of the plane. She lifted the little door that covers it and stared at the clouds. There was something so assuring and terrifying about being in the sky. It’s the same feeling you get at the beach. You have this sense of fear because you know the ocean is dangerous, but you also feel exhilarated by its beauty and mystery.

Soon enough, a flight attendant interrupted her reverie. “Hello Miss, is there anything I can get you all?” she asked. 

Clarke was about to ask Madi what she wanted, but she saw that the girl was out cold. She chuckled to herself before, reluctantly, tapping her mother to get her shoulder. Her head snapped up, and she looked to the flight attendant before asking for water.

Clarke thought about it for a moment before asking for an orange juice. It was still rather early in the morning, and she knew she’d need something to wake her system. What she really needed was a coffee, but she knew they usually didn’t have hot beverages on planes. 

Once the flight attendant left, she returned to looking out the window and marveling at how the small the world was below was. Sometimes Clarke forgets how small she is in the grand scheme of things. She never really thought about how truly small she is, and it was both scary and refreshing. 

One one hand, it was nice to know that many things you did were insignificant, but on the other hand, that was also something scary. No matter what you did, it would pale in comparison the sheer size of the world. Sure, maybe you made America fall in love with you, but there’s still Europe, Asia, Africa… Mars. Other planets and galaxies that you could never touch with your influence. Again, it’s both scary and refreshing. It’s nice to remember that the world, most definitely, does not revolve around you, or anyone else for that matter. 

Again, pulling her from her reverie, the flight attendant stretched across the row to hand Clarke her drink, and Clarke thanked the woman. She smiled at the blonde before continuing her way through the rows of people. 

Since Madi was asleep, she decided to grab her phone from Madi, but she made sure to leave the music playing. She wasn’t surprised to find messages from her friends asking how the flight was going. She had left around the time that up for school, so that they could arrive in D.C at around noon with the time difference. 

**Birdie:**

_ Hows the flight  _

**Octagon:**

_ Being stuck in a metal death trap with her mother? Probably not so good _

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at her friend’s words. They were accurate, and she was beyond thankful that her mother wasn’t trying to start conversation with her. 

**Birdie:**

_ Good point _

**Birdie:**

_ Shit im gonna be late bye clarkieeee have fun! _

**Octagon:**

_ Damn bird always making me late have a good time Griffin! _

Clarke smiled at the easy banter that seemed to pass between the two. Even in group messages they managed to tease each other.

**Lady Griff:**

_ Thanks guys its going fine actually. Have a good day at school :p _

Knowing her friends wouldn’t answer until around 3pm Eastern Time she put her phone away and unplugged Madi’s earbuds from her phone to plug hers in. She double checked that her sister really was asleep and wouldn’t be bothered by the loss of music before putting her own earbuds in her ears and playing a playlist that was more her style.

“Clarke! Wake up,” Madi yelled while shaking me. “We’re about to start the descent and I need you to hold my hand,” she admitted sheepishly.

Clarke grumbled sleepily before rubbing at her eyes and offering her sister a smile to assure her that she wasn’t made about being woken up. She grabbed her sister’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze before watching as everything on the ground got bigger and bigger before she felt the plane slow to a stop on the ground. 

“Ah, home sweet home,” Clarke sighed as they stepped into the airport. As much as she loved Arkadia, she had missed D.C. with all her heart. She loved everything about the city, even though she didn’t necessarily live “in the city”. They lived just outside the city, but she still went to school in D.C. She had always been a city girl at heart anyway. 

Once they had their bags, they small group made their way to the entrance where Clarke’s father and siblings were waiting to pick them up. The second they were in view, Clarke dropped her bags and sprinted into her older brother’s arm while making sure to hold an arm out for Charlotte. The younger girl was quick to step into her older sister’s embrace.

“Thank God you’re back! Frank over here is always so serious,” she laughed while jutting her thumb out accusingly at her brother. 

“Hey, I’m right here,” he shoved her playfully. 

“Can we go into the city?” Clarke begged with puppy dog eyes. She had missed being so close to such a big city. Sure, Arkadia was a big city, but it was nowhere near as marvelous and historic as D.C. At least, not to Clarke.

“Not right now, sweety,” her mother told her, careful not to agitate her daughter, “we need to get home and unpack, and I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling pretty jetlagged.”

Clarke sighed and accepted her mother’s answer. She couldn’t argue that the sudden loss of three hours of her day was a bit strange and made her feel more fatigued.

“We’ll take you out later,” her father gestured to Wells and winked at his eldest daughter. She smiled gratefully at him before following the rest of the party into the car. 

While driving through the city to their house just outside of it, she marveled at the buildings and structures of the area. She had been there many times growing up, and she hadn’t realized how much she missed it. She spent everyday in it, and she was starting to realize what a huge role the city played in her life. 

When they arrived at the residence, Clarke let out a long sigh. She hadn’t been here, or even out of Arkadia, since mid August when her and her mom moved there. It had been almost 5 months, and she couldn’t believe she made it this long without losing her mind away from the city. 

Jake, Wells, and Clarke carried everyone’s bags inside and into their rooms. Clarke’s old room was now just Charlottes, but it still had a bunk bed. “This time, I get top bunk,” Charlotte smirked triumphantly.

“Karma’s a bitch,” Clarke sighed while nodding her agreement, and Charlotte laughed at her older sister. She was glad that once her sister matured a bit, she was always fair. That point was irrefutable. “Bottom bunk isn’t so bad,” she tried to make herself more excited about it, “I guess.”

She laid down, trying to get a feel for the bed. Of course, she had slept on the bottom bunk before, but she gravitated towards the top bunk if she could help it. That point was made undeniably clear when she tried to sit up, and she immediately hit her head on the top bunk. “Fuck!” she yelled, and Charlotte doubled over in laughter.

“10 years of that, Clarke. 10 years,” Charlotte reminded her while pointing a finger at the girl accusingly.

“Hey! I let you have the top bunk a lot considering I could’ve just hogged it all for myself,” Clarke defended herself.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, fair,” Charlotte put her hands up in surrender. “Anyway, I’m sure you’re jetlagged, and I’m going out with friends. I guess, just this once, you can use the top bunk,” she offered to her sister in a teasing tone.

“Of course, milady,” Clarke said humbly while bowing, “I appreciate the kind and generous offer.” Charlotte, again, began laughing hysterically while making her way out the door. 

When Charlotte was gone, Clarke crawled onto the top bunk and began getting comfortable in a napping position. Soon enough, she was comfortable enough, and she found herself falling into a deep, comfortable sleep.

When she woke up later, she checked her phone to see that it was now 3pm, and she knew her friends were on their lunch break.

**Lady Griff:**

_ Made it to D.C! Woohoooo _

**Birdie:**

_ Oh yea! We better be getting pictures  _

**Octagon:**

_ Oh, yes pictures! _

**Lady Griff:**

_ I think my dad and brother are taking me into the city later _

**Birdie:**

_ Are you not meeting up with old friends _

**Lady Griff:**

_ I kinda dumped all of them before I left _

**Octagon:**

_ Why?  _

**Birdie:**

^

**Lady Griff:**

_ I didn’t want them to miss me _

**Birdie:**

_ Jesus christ _

**Lady Griff:**

_ What? _

**Birdie:**

_ You’re too nice for your own good _

**Octagon:**

_ ^ _

**Lady Griff:**

_ Maybe _

**Octagon:**

_ So she admits it! _

**Birdie:**

_ Hahaha! Gotcha bitch _

**Lady Griff:**

_ I hate you both. _

**Octagon:**

_ Love you too _

**Birdie:**

_ Love you too _

Clarke smiled at her phone before getting off the bed and making her way into the living room. There, her father, brother, and younger sisters were all congregated. It seemed that they were in a deep conversation, and Clarke sat down to listen in. 

“No, we’re not playing card games on  my birthday weekend,” Charlotte argued.

“When the hell did she get a whole weekend for her birthday?” Wells asked.

“I second that,” I jumped in.

“Since it’s the first birthday where we’re not together everyday,” her father stepped in, and everyone fell silent.

“So… Can we take the trip into the city now?” Clarke asked, effectively breaking the silence.

“Sounds good,” Wells said while standing upright.

“Works for me. Coming Charlotte?” he asked.

“Nah, friends are finally ready for me to come over. Probably an early birthday thing. Can’t miss it,” she smiled at her father and siblings, “Have fun.”

“You too,” Clarke called back to her while finding her shoes and putting them on. She made sure to grab her phone for pictures too before making her way to the front door where her brother and father were waiting for her. 

“You ready?” her dad asked.

“Born ready,” Clarke said seriously, causing everyone to chuckle. 

The ride into the city was short, and Clarke was beyond excited to get to walk the busy streets again. Most people found it annoying, but Clarke thought it was beautiful, the way cities work. Everyone is doing different things, at different paces, in different places, and they all seemed to work together in a kind of beautiful and intricate pattern to get to where they wanted to be. That is, for the sidewalks. The street, she couldn’t say the same for. That is one thing she did not, and would not, miss about the city life. 

“Where to first?” Wells asked.

“Hmmm, I wanna go to the White house. My friends will want pictures,” I told them, and they nodded. Our family was never really big on politics, but we rarely passed up a chance to see the white house. It’s like walking past the Queen’s castle in England. You have to stop and see it every once in a while. 

When they got there, Clarke snapped a few pictures before allowing Wells to pick the next destination. Of course, being the history nerd he is, he chose the Smithsonian. The National Museum of Natural History. They had all been a million times, but Clarke liked learning about the animals and nature. She was never really upset about going every time they visited.

They spent a few hours in the museum before their dad decided that they should probably pick up something to eat before heading home. It was not 6pm and everyone would want to spend the night together before preparing for Charlotte’s birthday on Saturday. 

“What should we get?” her father asked once they were back in the car.

“Chinese?” Clarke grinned evilly. It was so predictable for her to choose Chinese food, she honestly wasn’t sure why her family even bothered asking anymore.

“Works for me I guess,” Wells sighed.

“Works for me. I’ll call your mother to let her know,” he said while hooking up his phone to his car's bluetooth. He began driving through the city, weaving his way in and out of traffic like a pro. 

“Hey,” he said into the phone.

“Hey,” she heard her mother respond.

“We’re getting Chinese on our way home,” Wells told her, trying to spare his parents of the embarrassing exchange they were sharing. 

“Sounds good. I’ll tell the girls,” she confirmed.

“Alright, honey I-”

“Dad!” Clarke yelled. She had been watching the road while her father was driving, a habit she had picked up from all her time traveling. She noticed there was a car driving recklessly, driving straight into them, on the wrong side of the road. Meaning, they were going to drive straight into them.

Her father had seen what was happening from the moment he picked up the phone, but he had noticed that he had no way to move. From every angle, he was blocked by other cars, so his only option was to drive as slow as possible and pray the other car would realize their error.

The second Clarke yelled at her father, she felt the impact. It was hard, and she felt the whole car lurch under the weight. Since the other car had rammed into the front of their car, the line with her mother had immediately disconnected, and Clarke wondered if her mom had even heard her yell for her father. Despite her dislike of her mother, she also prayed to any and all gods that her mother hadn’t heard her ear-piercing screams or the earth-shattering sounds of the car making impact with theirs. 

Being in the backseat, Clarke remained mostly unaffected. She had only been bounced around a bit. That is, until another car didn’t notice their wreck and rear-ended them, forcing their car almost right into the backseat with Clarke herself. Clarke lost consciousness then, and everything went black and numb. The last thing she remembers hearing was someone yelling to her and her family from outside the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry! I really am! I just seriously have no idea to write stories without trauma O_O I hope you'll forgive me. If it helps, reread the tags :), and I PROMISE I will be posting again ASAP. I'm gonna try not to leave people hanging. Also, let's be real, did you not gather that something bad was gonna happy just by reading the summary and tile? I tried to warn you 
> 
> Otherwise, leave feedback as always, and thank you for reading!


	15. A F F E C T E D

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke deals with the aftermath of the accident while Raven and Octavia deal with a school day without Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! This took me longer than anticipated! I still kinda hate it, but it's whatever. Hope it's okay.

When Clarke regained consciousness, the first thing she took note of was the state of the car she was in. She realized that the front and backseats had essentially been pushed into each other, and she couldn’t move her legs as they were pinned between the two rows of seats. 

The next thing she took note of was the figures of her father and brother in the front seat. “Dad!” Clarke yelled in fear, “Wells!”

“Miss! Are you alright?” someone slammed on the door of their car.

“Call 9-1-1!” she pleaded with them.

“They’re on their way. Are you okay?” they continued to ask.

“I’m fine, but… I-” she choked on her words as she reached over to check her father’s pulse. He didn’t have one. “Dad!” she yelled again, tears escaping her eyes. 

“Is your father alright?” the woman outside the door continued to ask.

“H-h-he,” she stuttered, “doesn’t have a pulse.”

The woman then whispered something into her phone. She had watched the whole incident play out and immediately called the authorities. As usual, they asked her to stay on the line until people arrived.

“Is there anyone else in the cars with you?” she whispered, sounding sullen about one of them not having a pulse.

“My brother,” she told the woman while checking his pulse. It was weak, but it was there.

“He’s alive!” Clarke yelled as more tears fell down her face. 

“We need to get you both out of the car. Can you tell me your situation in there?” she asked. 

“Uhm, my legs are pinned, but otherwise I think I’m okay. A little sore but okay,” Clarke answered. 

“Can you tell me about your brother’s situation?” she continued to question.

“And my father’s?” Clarke asked curiously.

“Yeah, your father’s too,” the woman was well aware that the girl’s father had a small chance of survival, but she allowed the girl to have hope as it was the only thing that was keeping her cooperating.

“Well, they’re both really squished… I think-” she paused for a moment before concluding, “I think the steering wheel is keeping him from breathing.” 

“Damn,” the woman muttered. The crash happened about 10 minutes ago. If he hasn’t been breathing since then… he’s already too far gone.

“Okay. Good job. Your brother?” she asked.

“I think his legs are pinned like mine. He probably has a bad head injury that’s keeping his pulse so weak. The impact might’ve messed with his chest as well,” Clarke concluded. Apparently, having a surgeon for a mother had its ups.

“Nice job. Really good. Okay, I need you to relax now until the paramedics get here,” the woman echoed what she had been told through the phone.

“Relax? How am I supposed to relax?” she cried out. She knew as well as anyone else that her father was dead by now, and as far as her brother, he probably didn’t have much fight left in him. She wasn’t that naive.

“Just breathe,” the woman coached Clarke. “How old are you?” the woman asked after she saw the girl was struggling a little.

“17,” Clarke answered, and the woman felt a pang of guilt. The girl was still relatively young.

“What’s your name?” she asked.

“Clarke. Clarke Griffin,” Clarke told her.

“Do you have any other siblings?” she asked the girl in a friendly manner.

“Two younger sister’s,” Clarke answered with a fond smile, and the woman deduced that she was close with them. However, she also felt a pang of sadness that the two younger girls may have been just as close with the brother. 

“What are they like?” she continued to ask, trying to bring the girl’s mind to happier times.

“Annoying, but I love them,” Clarke answered honestly with a slight chuckle that caused her to wince a little. “What’s your name?” Clarke returned the question.

“I’m Hailey,” she answered.

“How old are you?” she asked.

“23.”

“Nice,” Clarke smiled and turned her face towards the road where she saw paramedics approaching. “The people in the other cars?” Clarke asked, and the woman simply shook her head. Clarke glanced down, sullen, before closing her eyes and trying to block out the sounds of sirens. She always hated sirens, and this definitely didn’t help to change her mind about them. 

Clarke felt her head pounding and the rest of her body aching. She was aware that her adrenaline was running out, and now that help was here, she allowed herself to fall back into unconsciousness. 

The next time Clarke awoke, she heard the sounds of beeping and sniffling people. She slowly opened her eyes and glanced around the room. She was now in a hospital room where she saw her mother and sisters waiting for her. 

“Clarke!” Madi, who had been watching her like a hawk while crying, noticed her waking up first. 

“Hey,” Clarke choked out while glancing around.

“Don’t scare us like that again!” Charlotte shouted while lightly smacking her sister’s arms, aware of her injuries. Charlotte didn’t really cry often, and she usually expressed her concern by showing that she worried. However, now she was crying freely, and Clarke found herself scared to find out what that meant.

“Wells and Dad?” she asked, and everyone turned their faces away from her. Clarke was well aware of what that meant, but she needed to hear it. “Say it,” she ordered them.

“They… uh… they didn’t make it,” her mother answered. As a doctor, she had mastered the art of being able to say those words without emotion, but it was obvious that she was just as affected as everyone else.

Clarke simply nodded. She had figured that they wouldn’t make it, but that didn’t make it any less sad and scared. Wells and her father had always been her rock, and she had never imagined what it would be like to lose them. 

“I’ll go tell the doctors that you’re awake,” Abby said while walking off. She used to work here, so Clarke figured she'd find her way around easily. 

Clarke laid her head back, concluding her scan of the room, and closed her eyes while inhaling deeply. “What… What happened?” Charlotte asked tentatively.

Clarke took a deep breath, trying to steady her voice. This would be the first time she tried to talk about the accident. “A car hit us from the front. Drove right into us…. On the wrong side of the road. Pr-probably drunk,” Clarke guessed, “Then, another one rear-ended us, and here we are.” By the time she had finished talking, there were a few tears rolling down her cheeks, but she was thankful that no one paid any attention to them.

“Clarke Griffin,” the man sounded sad, but the blonde recognized him immediately.

“Jackson?” she asked. Mom would occasionally bring her doctor friends over, so Clarke met and knew a few of them. 

He nodded with a sad smile before continuing, “Okay, let’s see, you broke one of your legs, broke your arm, and bruised a few ribs. You also have a minor concussion, but otherwise you’re very lucky.”

“Yeah,” Clarke laughed bitterly, “lucky.”

Ignoring Clarke’s words, he continued, “You’ll have to stay here overnight, but you should be free to go tomorrow afternoon. I handed your mother your belongings that were gathered from the car as well.”

Clarke nodded while her mom handed her her phone that had been pulled out of her clothes. She saw a few messages from Octavia and Raven and decided to check their messages. They always found a way to make her smile or laugh.

**Birdie:**

_Ya know I thought the white house would be cooler_

**Octagon:**

_Same looks boring af_

**Birdie:**

_Yeah but the animals in that museum look awesome_

**Octagon:**

_Gotta get to class have a good rest of your day clarke. Talk to you after class._

**Birdie:**

_Bye clarkieeeeeee_

Those were all sent around the time they entered the museum, and there were a few messages from around the time they were leaving. 

**Octagon:**

_Finally out of school! How was the museum_

**Birdie:**

_^_

The next messages were from an hour later, around the time she was being pulled out of the car by the paramedics.

**Birdie:**

_Are you okay? You usually don’t take this long to answer._

**Octagon:**

_Holy shit Rae, check the D.C. news!_

**Birdie:**

_Fuck. Please tell us that’s not you_

**Octagon:**

_Clarke?_

**Birdie:**

_Christ, Clarke. Don’t make me fly my ass to D.C. to make sure you’re okay._

Clarke woke up around 4 hours after those messages, and the rest were various messages of Octavia and Raven blowing up her phone, trying to get her to answer to make sure she wasn’t dead.

**Lady Griff:**

_I’m alright_

That’s all she could say. She wanted to tell them everything, and she was sure she could over text, but there was no way she’d be able to say it to their faces.

**Birdie:**

_I don’t believe in God, but THANK GOD_

**Octagon:**

_We really thought you were dead!_

**Lady Griff:**

_I’m just peachy_

**Birdie:**

_Liar_

**Octagon:**

_Was it you… in that three-way car crash on the bridge_

**Lady Griff:**

_Yeah…_

**Birdie:**

_Which car_

**Lady Griff:**

_Middle one_

Their texting stopped there for a few minutes. Clarke assumed that they had seen the pictures of how bad the car was, and if they heard about it on the news, they had to know that there were two fatalities. 

**Birdie:**

_Well shit_

**Octagon:**

_We’re glad youre alright_

**Birdie:**

_Yeah. sorry… sorry about your loss_

**Lady Griff:**

_Yeah. Me too. Look im gonna sleep. I’ll talk to you guys later_

**Octagon:**

_Yeah. Yea, you do that Clarke. Sleep well_

**Birdie:**

_Get some rest Clarkie_

Clarke smiled subtly at her friends. She was thankful that they didn’t immediately want answers, and they respected that Clarke needed time to think. She figured her dreams would be haunted by nightmares, but she was so exhausted that she didn’t have it in her to fight the fatigue anymore. 

As expected, Clarke woke to her own screams. In her nightmare, she relived the events of the accident. She hadn’t expected anything else, but she didn’t expect it to wake her up screaming in a cold sweat. 

“Clarke, you need to calm down,” her mother placed her hands on her shoulders and tried to push her onto the bed.

“Get off of me!” Clarke screamed. Her mind still hadn’t quite processed that she was awake, and getting pinned to the bed felt a lot like when she was pinned in the back seat. 

Abby seemed to pick up on what was happening, so she let her daughter’s shoulders go in hopes that she’d calm down. Sure enough, she managed to fix her breathing after a few seconds, and she realized where she was.

“Sorry,” she muttered to her mother.

“It’s fine,” Abby said flatly. 

“How are you so unaffected?” Clarke asked her mother accusingly.

“How could you even think that?” her mother countered. Did her daughter really think that this didn’t bother her.

“You seem fine to me,” Clarke crossed her arms, one in a cast. 

“Looks can be deceiving,” Abby answered while sitting next to her daughter. “I lost my only son and the man I loved in the same day. Not to mention, I almost lost my daughter. Of course I’m affected,” she told her daughter.

“Sorry,” Clarke apologized again, “I’m on edge.”

“I can imagine,” she tentatively put her hand on her daughter’s shoulder, and Clarke allowed it. She was, after all, Clarke’s only living parent now. “You don’t have to keep apologizing,” her mother told her while rubbing her shoulder soothingly.

“Sorr-” she cut herself off with a grimace and decided to just nod which made her mother laugh lightly. 

“Look, even before all this, I want you to know that I was cutting back on my hours, or at least planning to. I want to be there more. For all of you. With Charlotte coming back with us now, I’m still going to be working my ass off, but I’m going to be there,” her mother promised, and Clarke offered her mother a shy smile. They might not be very close, but she was glad her mother was trying, especially now that her father and brother were gone.

She lost her rock, and she needed to find a new one. Perhaps her mother could be that for her. “How are Madi and Charlotte holding up?” Clarke asked.

“Shaken, but they’ll be fine,” her mother assured her, and Clarke exhaled a breath of relief. “Just… don’t shut down on them, and they’ll be fine,” Abby added, and Clarke nodded. Surely she could hold herself together for them. She’d do it for her sisters.

“Where are they?” Clarke asked.

“Charlotte wanted to go home, you know how she hates hospitals,” of course Clarke knew that because she too hated hospitals for the same reason, and now, she hated them more, “I told Madi to go with her. She hated it, but I dropped them off a while ago.”

“You should go home too, get some sleep,” Clarke told her. She could tell her mother was tired.

“Clarke, I told you I’m trying to do better. Meaning, I’m not going to leave you alone here because I know how much you hate hospitals too,” Abby told her, and Clarke was a little shocked that her mother knew of her dislike of hospitals. 

Clarke nodded at her mother and offered her a gentle smile of thanks. She turned to face her mother on her uninjured side and let out a deep breath. Her mother held out her hand for her daughter. Clarke refused it, but Abby left her hand open in case Clarke changed her mind. 

“I’m gonna go back to sleep,” Clarke told her mother, and Abby nodded. 

Clarke closed her eyes, and Abby watched as her daughter fell into sleep. She looked stressed, and it broke Abby’s heart to see so much going on inside her daughter’s head. 

Just as Abby was closing her eyes to sleep herself, she felt a hand grab hold of hers, and she smiled widely. She was glad that her daughter and her were mending their relationship to some degree. It just sucked that it was under such sad, heavy circumstances. 

The next time Clarke awoke, she actually couldn’t remember what she had dreamt about, but she knew it wasn’t anything that woke her up screaming. She opened her eyes to see her mother hunched over with her head resting on the bed and her arms wrapped around her head. Clarke was, unfortunately, genuinely surprised that her mother had stayed the night with her. 

She smiled appreciatively at her mother before grabbing her phone. She decided to leave her hand in her mother’s because she didn’t want to wake her by moving. By now, it was 9am, so Clarke decided to text her friends. By now, they’d be getting ready for school.

**Lady Griff:**

_Morning guys_

**Birdie:**

_Clarkieeee_

**Octagon:**

_How are you feeling_

**Lady Griff:**

_Fine now_

**Birdie:**

_Liar_

**Lady Griff:**

_Anyway, I’ll be coming home tomorrow instead of sunday_

Clarke had heard from her mother that they’d be leaving back to Arkadia, with Charlotte, on Saturday. Charlotte wasn’t happy about moving on her birthday, but her birthday was already kind of ruined anyway. 

**Birdie:**

_Do you… want us to come over when youre home_

**Lady Griff:**

_Maybe… I don’t know_

**Octagon:**

_That’s alright. Just keep us posted_

\----------------------------------

Octavia typed out the last message quickly before putting her phone on her dresser and grabbing some clothes for the day. She seriously couldn’t believe all that had happened to Clarke in just a day. She felt awful for the girl, but she knew that Clarke didn’t want her pity. All she could do was offer her help and support whenever she could, and she hoped and prayed that was enough. 

“Ready to go?” she called Raven.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” she sighed.

“You’re upset?” Octavia asked.

“You’re not? Our best friend was in a car accident, and she lost two people in her family. We know how close she is with her family. What if it was Madi? Don’t you think she needs us?” Raven ranted.

“I know, Rae, I know, but I also know Clarke. Even if she needs us, she won’t want our help. At least, she won’t ask for it. All we can do is offer it, and let her know we’re not going to let her suffer alone,” Octavia told her, and it seemed to make Raven feel a little better. 

The two brunettes got into Octavia’s car and made their way to school. Admittedly, the car felt different without Clarke in it now, and she was even inclined to say that she missed having Madi there as well. She just hoped that the experience wouldn’t change her friend too much. 

When they arrived at school, Octavia and Raven tried to hide their sullen mood. They didn’t want people to ask questions about their mood because it was not their place to tell them. 

They quickly made it to their individual homerooms, and Raven never realized how much light Clarke brought to her classes. Homeroom and first period felt much more… heavy without Clarke there, and she got the same feeling on the previous day. She was just glad that it was Friday and her friend would, most likely, be back on Monday.

She couldn’t help but find herself distracted throughout all of the class, and Anya definitely didn’t miss it. While Raven was hoping this recent event wouldn’t tear her friend apart, Anya was wondering what the hell happened to change Raven from the funny, sarcastic class clown to the gloomy girl in the back of the class. 

When the class was finally dismissed, Raven was snapped from her state by her teacher calling her name. “Yes, Miss Forest?” Raven asked once she reached the teacher’s desk.

“Something’s off today,” Anya said matter-of-factly.

Raven knew that when Miss Forest was like this, there was no reason to lie, so she answered simply, “Yes.”

“Care to elaborate?” Anya asked curiously. She had expected the brunette to give her a harder time getting answers.

“Sorry, but it’s not my place. I appreciate the concern though,” the girl shrugged her shoulders and exited the class without so much a second glance at the teacher. 

The rest of her classes went similarly except the teachers weren’t as attentive to her change in demeanor. That, or she did better at masking her change in mood. 

When lunch finally rolled around, she made her way to the cafeteria to talk with Octavia. She was excited to see how her friend’s day was, and she hoped it wasn’t as weird as her own. “Hey, O,” she said once she sat down next to the other brunette.

“Hey, Rae. How’d your day go?” Octavia asked.

“Weird,” Raven answered honestly, and Octavia nodded.

\----------------------------------

While in her classes, Lexa noticed something off with Octavia and Raven. The girls were usually quite bubbly, but today they seemed sullen, as if they were mourning. The change in the girl’s demeanor threw her for a loop, but she didn’t pry for answers. 

However, she found herself wondering what they knew that she didn’t. The only logical thing she could think of was that one of them had lost someone close to both of them. Still, some part of her brain couldn’t help worrying that it had something to do with Clarke.

She had grown strangely close with her, and she felt an obligation to make sure the girl never got into trouble. Of course, that was an unrealistic responsibility, but Lexa still felt that she had to do it.

Not only that, but she had started to enjoy being in the girl’s presence. While being guarded and hard to read, she was also an incredible ball of light, and she could light up an entire room just by being in it. The girl is an enigma, and Lexa is determined to figure the girl out.

Lexa was pulled from her reverie when she heard the lunch bell ring. Seeing as her friend’s had classes with both girls in the morning as well, she’d ask if they picked up on the abnormalities of the girl’s behavior. Her friend’s always had a way of bringing out the logical side of her.

“Hey An, Lun,” Lexa greeted as she sat down with her meal.

“Lex,” the girls acknowledged her.

They then got into a conversation about their classes and lesson plans. Lexa had hoped that one of her friend’s would bring up the topic because she didn’t want to seem weird for keeping an eye on the brunettes.

“You two have Octavia Blake and Raven Reyes in the mornings right?” Anya asked eventually. When Luna and Lexa nodded, Anya continued, “I’m not the only one who picked up on the change in their demeanor, right?” 

“Nope, I noticed it too,” Luna said, and Lexa nodded.

“I talked to Raven after class, and the only answers I got were that something was up and that it wasn’t her place to say what it was,” Anya informed them.

Lexa cursed herself in her head. If it wasn’t Raven’s place to say anything, that meant it had something to do with Clarke or Octavia. Somehow, she had a hunch that it was the former rather than the latter. 

“When I tried to talk to Octavia, she just smiled like nothing was wrong,” Luna frowned dejectedly. 

“Sounds like someone else I know,” Anya shot an accusatory glance at Lexa.

Lexa just shrugged and allowed the conversation to flow to another topic. She had hoped her friends would have more answers, but at least now she knows that nothing happened to Raven. At least, nothing that was causing the change in the girl’s mood.

\---------------------------------- 

The next morning, Clarke was discharged from the hospital in crutches. The whole way home, she didn’t utter a single word. Her mother had asked her questions, even simple ones like “Did you rest well?”, but Clarke couldn’t bring herself to answer them. She simply looked away from her mother. However, she had managed to find her mother’s hand with her own to assure her that it wasn’t something her mother had done. She had made some sort of progress with her, and she didn’t want to ruin it just because her mind and body couldn’t agree.

When they arrived at their house, Clarke watched as Charlotte scrambled to pack everything she needed. She knew her sister would need support on the move as she had made the same one and yearned for the same support. She hobbled her way around the room, helping to collect her sister’s things in silence. At first, her sister had glared at her, begging her to just rest, but she eventually gave up when Clarke made no move to stop helping. 

Charlotte had always known that her sister was stubborn as all hell, and she had a knack for helping others before herself. She knew her sister, at this rate, would kill herself trying to make everyone’s life better. Charlotte had the common sense to know the blonde was battling internal demons, but she also knew her sister well enough to know that she’d refuse any kind of help, especially from her younger sister.

“Clarke, just sit down!” Charlotte eventually snapped at her sister.

All Clarke did was look at her, shoot her a hardened glare, and continue to pick things up. It was like she was completely unfazed by what she had said. It was like she heard that Charlotte said something, but she didn’t know what she said. Charlotte rolled her eyes and finished packing up all her stuff. 

“Time to get on the plane girls! Hurry up,” the mother told them from the front door. Clarke nodded to Charlotte before making her way out to the car on her crutches. Charlotte wondered how Clarke was planning on getting around the plane. Surely security would have to make sure nothing was in her casts or crutches. You never know what lengths people will go to these days. 

Once finally in the car, Clarke put her head against the window and closed her eyes. The previous car ride had wreaked havoc on her mind. She was immediately brought back to the crash which reminded her that the people she trusted most in this life were dead. This car ride, unfortunately, was no different. 

Suddenly, Clarke was jolted awake by a gentle shove by Charlotte. “We’re here,” she huffed at her oldest sister. Clarke was surprised by the sudden outburst from her sister, but she got out of the car nonetheless. She was honestly surprised she managed to get in the car without freaking out. The whole ride she couldn’t decide if she wanted to watch the road like a hawk, or if she wanted to close her eyes and block the world out. In the end, she chose the latter.

Security, as expected, was a pain, but they eventually made it to their gate just in time. Once on the plane, Clarke sat with her younger sisters while her mom agreed to sit behind them. 

Clarke was surprised that Madi hadn’t talked to her much since the accident. She wondered if maybe her youngest sister was having the same feeling as her; she simply couldn’t bring herself to speak. She opted for slowly grabbing her sister’s hand for support, and she knew she made the right choice when her sister’s hand gripped her back just as tightly.

It became quite obvious to Clarke then that everyone was affected by her father and brother’s death, and it would not be an easy thing to move past. In fact, she found herself wondering if she had it in her at some times, but she quickly threw all those thoughts aside because she knew no one else would give up on her. Well, more accurately, she hoped no one else would give up on her because she knew that if she continued down this path, she’d quickly become a real pain in the ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still not sure how I feel about this chapter, but I'm a little pressed for time. As you all know, tomorrow is Halloween (Happy Halloween to those who celebrate), so I'll be busy most of the weekend. I tried to get this chapter out before then for you guys :)
> 
> Also, don't worry, I do actually have a plan in the long term for everyone's story, so it's not ENTIRELY done on a whim haha
> 
> As always, feedback is always appreciated.


	16. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa finds out the truth about what happened to Clarke in D.C. while Clarke continues to struggle with the aftermath of the crash.

That Saturday morning when Lexa woke up, she decided to start her day with a jog. Yesterday’s events still have her mind on overdrive, and a jog is just what she needed to bring her back to Earth. 

She still couldn’t stop trying to figure out what the hell happened the other day. It was obvious that whatever it was had largely affected Raven and Octavia despite the fact that she was sure nothing directly happened to at least Raven.

Her mind also kept tormenting her with thoughts that something beyond awful happened to Clarke. Truthfully, she shouldn’t care for the student this much, but she does. It physically hurts the teacher to think something bad happened to Clarke.

These were the thoughts that continued to pass through Lexa’s head as she jogged. She continuously tried to maintain her heart rate and steady her breathing, but she couldn’t help worrying over her horrible gut feeling. Her gut was rarely ever wrong, and that’s what worried her the most. 

When she finally opened the door to her house after her longer-than-usual jog, she was greeted by her two friends in the living room. Both were completely enraptured by the TV with horrified, sad expressions on their faces. “What did I miss?” Lexa finally asked after catching her breath and finding the words. 

“L-look at this,” Luna stuttered. Lexa was immediately scared. Luna NEVER stuttered. That girl was constantly at peak confidence, so much so that it actually angered Lexa sometimes. She was not the type of person to stutter, ever. She rushed to the TV and gasped when she saw what was being reported on the news.

_ “Next up on our recent events, there was a car crash in D.C. on Thursday, January 29th. The crash was a three way crash including a black Ford F150, a red Mazda CX-5, and a silver Subaru BRZ. In all cars there were a total of 6 people only one of which survived the crash,”  _ The screen panned across a bridge that showed all the cars crashed together. She gasped when she saw that the middle car had been squashed like a vertical pancake, and she wondered if anyone in that car survived, “ _ The lone survivor was in the backseat of the middle car, the Subaru BRZ. The survivor has made a full recovery after only suffering minor injuries.” _

Lexa was at a loss for words. She never really watched the news, especially not news on the East Coast. “Why were you watching East Coast news?” she asked her friends.

“We turned the TV on, and this is the channel that was on. We didn’t even know it was D.C. news until they mentioned it a few minutes ago. That’s when we tuned in and saw the car crash,” Anya explained.

“Wait, this is D.C. news?” Lexa asked again. Of course, she heard the reporter say it and knew this channel was an East Coast channel, but she hadn’t realized they were reporting about anything in D.C.

“Yeah, didn’t you hear the reporter?” Luna teases blindly.

“Shit,” she mutters, making a scary connection. Clarke had informed her that she was originally from D.C. in one of their conversations, and she had told the brunette earlier this week that she'd be visiting home. Clarke was in D.C.

“What’s up?” Anya said while nudging her side to get her attention. She had noticed the immediate change in her sister’s demeanor, and she knew that the gears in the girl’s mind were turning. 

“Clarke’s in D.C.” Lexa whispered. She knew her friend’s didn’t understand why she cared for the girl so much. It was obvious that it was hard not to like the girl, but Anya and Luna noticed that their friend simply clicked with the blonde student.

“You don’t think-” Anya trailed off, seeing the look on her friend’s face. It could only be described as pure fear, and Anya felt her heart break for her. She was aware of the bond her friend had with the student, and though she didn’t like it, there was nothing she could do to change it. 

“I need to call my dad,” she said, effectively excusing herself from the conversation, and Luna and Anya let her. 

Luna and Anya both meant that Lexa was seriously troubled. She rarely ever called her father unless something was seriously bothering her. It also only happened when she couldn’t confide in the two of them. The two shared a serious look before deciding to leave the house and give their friend space, knowing that’s what she needed.

When her father finally picked up the phone, she exhaled a shaky, happy breath when he said, “ _ Hey Pumpkin. What’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours. _ ”

“Hey, Dad,” she breathed, and her dad immediately picked up on her tone.

“ _ What’s wrong, Lexi,”  _ he asked, purposefully using a nickname only he had for his daughter as he always did when she was worried.

“I- Err…” she stuttered, trying to find the right words.

“ _ You can tell me anything,”  _ he reminded her,  _ “take your time. _ ”

“Remember the student I told you about?” she asked. 

“ _ The one that’s special? _ ” he asked, lightly teasing his daughter.

“Yeah, here,” she said with a shy smile on her face. She hated when her dad teased her.

“ _ What about her?”  _ her dad asked. He was seriously hoping this wasn’t his daughter telling him that they were seeing each other because that’s the vibe he was getting from her. As much as he loves his daughter, he wasn’t sure he could handle something like that. Not that he’d be angry with her, he just wouldn’t know how to handle it.

“Have you seen the D.C. news?” she asked curiously, shakily.

“Oh yeah! Did you see that awful car crash? Can’t believe anyone survived that,” he whispered the last bit, completely oblivious to her daughter’s reaction.

“I think she was in it,” she whispered. 

Her father’s gasp was audible, and she knew he was silently praying, much like her, that Clarke was the survivor. “ _ Don’t worry too much about it, Lexi. She could’ve been anywhere. What makes you think anything bad has happened to her in the first place? _ ” her father asked, trying to keep his daughter level-headed about the situation. 

“Her best friend’s are in my class. All day Friday they looked sullen, like they were mourning, and I can’t help but think that they were mourning the loss of their best friend,” Lexa said silently, fighting off the few tears that came to her eyes. She had not expected to cry for the girl, but the realization that she might never see the blonde bundle of light ever again saddened her deeply. 

“ _ Damn, _ ” her father whispered, “ _ I’m sure she’s fine. Who’s to say she was even in any of the cars?”  _ Her father tried to help her think rationally, like always, but she was struggling to believe him. 

“Can you do anything to figure it out?” she asked. She knew her father had connections all over the major cities like Polis, D.C., Baltimore, and Annapolis, so it wasn’t too far-fetched that he’d be able to uncover something. 

“ _ Probably, but any information I found probably wouldn't ease your mind, Pumpkin _ ,” he told her sadly, and she accepted his answer.  _ “Do you remember what I always told you as a little girl?”  _ he asked after his daughter was silent for a while.

Lexa chuckled, knowing exactly what he was talking about, before clearing her throat and mocking her father’s voice, “‘Lexi, never forget that patience and time will answer all your questions.’”

“ _ Exactly, so just be patient, and you’ll get your answers,” _ he concluded.

“Thanks, Dad,” Lexa said honestly. Although patience was never really her strong suit, she knew her father was right. 

“ _ No problem, Pumpkin, but I have to go now, _ ” he told her regretfully. There’s nothing he wanted more than to stay on the phone with his daughter, or even better, hold her in her biggest, best bear hug.

“Bye, Dad. Have a good day,” she told her father while hanging up and exhaling a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. 

\-------------------------------------------

When the Griffins arrived at their home in Arkadia, Abby sent her daughters upstairs to unpack. All of them moved sluggishly both from jetlag and their recent loss. Abby watched sadly as her daughter’s climbed the stairs. None of them had fully grasped the fact that the men in their lives were gone, and that’s the only reason they were still functioning. 

Abby decided that, while she was still functioning, she’d message Clarke’s current school which was also Charlotte’s soon-to-be high school as well as Madi’s school to inform them of the current issues going on inside the family. She said the family was going to be taking the rest of the school week off due to the recent and unexpected loss of immediate family members. 

While writing the email, she noticed the tears running down her face. Although her and Jake divorced, she never once stopped loving the man. They simply didn’t work well together as parents, and they always clashed in how to handle the kids. Jake wanted to be more laid back while Abby suggested they treat them as what they were, kids. 

She also loved her son to death. Not only was he her only son, but he was also her first born child. The one she had bonded with the most. She knew that once her denial wore off, she’d have a hard time leaving her room from the grief, and she couldn’t even imagine what would happen to Clarke. Actually, she already saw the signs that Clarke was accepting it. 

Abby didn’t know what happened in the vehicle, but she knew that her daughter had been conscious shortly after the crash. She had seen the deformed body of her father and brother, and it’s completely possible that, with Clarke’s knowledge in medicine, she knew her father and brother wouldn’t survive. 

It broke Abby’s heart knowing that her daughter had seen and experienced all of that, and it hurt her even more that the girl probably wouldn't let her help her through it. With that, she remembered something. 

Clarke’s history teacher… What was the woman’s name? Abby scrolled through the staff until she found the Senior class teacher’s. She scrolled until she found the history teacher. Lexa Woods. She knew the teacher had kept an eye on her daughter in the past. She selected the woman’s email and typed out an email specifically to the teacher and prayed that the woman would be able to break through her daughter’s walls because God knows Abby cannot. Not any time soon at least.

\---------------------------------------------

Lexa was chatting with her sister’s when they got a message from the principal of their school. She glanced at her sister’s, and Anya said she’d open the message and read it aloud. 

“ _ Dear the staff of Arkadia High school,  _

_ I’ve been informed by Ms. Abigail Griffin that her daughters will not be attending school for the rest of the week due to an ‘unexpected and recent’ loss of immediate family members. The family will be spending the week mourning their lost love ones, and all work for the students are to be held in the office until Ms. Griffin can collect it _ ,” Anya finished reading the message.

“So it was her,” Luna concluded.

“At least we know she’s alive,” Anya assured Lexa, seeing that the girl looked destroyed. 

“It still means she lost people in her family,” Lexa said sadly, “do you know the toll that takes on a person, especially if she was there?”

Luna and Anya took a moment to reflect. Neither of them had ever lost someone close to them, so they couldn't even imagine how much that would destroy someone. They shook their heads, and they lowered their heads for a moment as a silent prayer that the girl would be okay, and as a tribute to those who died. 

Suddenly, Lexa’s phone chimed again, and she noticed that it was from a parent. Specifically, Ms. Griffin. “Did you two get a message from Ms. Griffin?” Lexa asked as she opened the email. 

“Nope. Must be specifically for you,” Anya shrugged, and Luna tilted her head to Anya as if she was agreeing with her. Lexa nodded and began reading the message sent to her by the Griffin mother. 

“ _ Dear Miss Lexa Woods,  _

_ It is my knowledge that in the past you have kept an eye on my daughter, and I was wondering if you’d be willing to talk with her one-on-one. She recently lost her father and brother, probably the most trusted people in her life, in a car accident. She was in the vehicle with them, and I can already see the signs that she’s shutting down. I know she will not talk to me, but it would give me peace of mind to know that someone is trying. Hell, you don’t even have to tell me what she tells you; just try to keep her from ceasing to function. I don’t mean to pressure you, and if it’s too much, let me know. I just want to know my daughter isn’t going to put herself in danger. As a doctor, I’ve seen people with survivor’s guilt, and I’m sure my daughter will shortly develop it. _

_ Thank you for hearing me out, _

_ Abigail Griffin.”  _

Lexa was almost in tears from what the woman said. “What’s up, Lex?” Anya asked, seeing the tears forming in her sister’s eyes.

“Ms. Griffin asked me to talk with her daughter,” Lexa said, sounding both surprised and honored.

“Well damn, there goes therapist Lexa, back at it again,” Luna tried to lighten the mood, earning a chuckle from both her friends. 

“It was her father and brother. From what I gather, they were her rock, and she watched them die,” Lexa scrunched her face up. The thought alone broke her heart. 

“Damn,” Anya and Luna breathed. They knew their reactions didn’t sound very sincere, but there were simply no words for experiencing such a loss.

\------------------------------------------

Once Clarke managed to unpack all of her clothes, she flopped onto her bed and sent a quick message to her friends. 

**Lady Griff:**

_ I made it home safe but I won’t be at school the rest of the week  _

**Octagon:**

_ Want us to stop by I can bring snacks and blankets _

**Birdie:**

_ I’ll bring my sarcasm… unless you don’t want me to bring it then I’ll leave it at home _

Clarke couldn’t help but release a sad chuckle at her friend’s words. She knew that her friend’s meant well, and she trusted that they wouldn’t pry for answers, but she simply didn’t know how to interact with them anymore. She didn’t know how to interact with anyone.

**Lady Griff:**

_ No thank you guys. I just want to be alone for a while but thank you. Really _

**Octagon:**

_ No problem Clarkie just let us know when youre ready for some company _

**Birdie:**

_ ^ _

Clarke smiled at her phone faintly before putting it face down on her nightstand. The second her phone was away from her, her smile faded, and she felt tears roll down her cheeks. Every waking moment of her life was like living a nightmare.

Her father and brother are dead. She has no one to confide in anymore. No one to tell all her accomplishments to. No one to ask for advice. No one to give her the best hugs. No one to remind her who she is when she’s lost.

That’s how she feels right now. Lost. The only people who could help remember who and where she is are dead, and she’s never going to see them again. With that reminder, she allows herself to sob into her pillow- hard. She doesn’t hold back anymore.

She sheds a tear for the pain her family is feeling. She sheds a tear for the pain her brother and father felt before death finally took them. She sheds a tear for the pain she never felt. She sheds a tear for the fear she still fears. Soon enough, she simply can’t stop crying. Even when she runs out of energy, she continues to feel tears fall down her face to the point where she’s not even sure what she’s crying about anymore.

Shortly after she lost her energy, there was a creaking from her door. Clarke managed to crane her neck to look at the door where she saw Charlotte standing in the doorway with tear-stained cheeks. Without exchanging any words, Charlotte laid in bed in front of her sister, silently asking for her sister to spoon her which Clarke willingly did. No matter how bad the blond was hurting, she’d always be there for her sister. 

At some point, Madi had also joined them, being spooned by Charlotte. The girls cried together, neither judging nor questioning the other. They were simply there for each other in each and every sense of the word. Something about knowing they all still had each other still brought them some form of peace, and that allowed Clarke to gather herself. 

Clarke said nothing. She still couldn’t bring herself to speak, not even to her crying sisters. She wanted to; more than anything she wanted to. Instead, she tapped Charlotte’s shoulder and pointed to the door, telling them that she was leaving. Charlotte nodded. Although the young girl was not sure what was going on in her older sister’s head, she understood that it was a pain beyond what she was feeling, so she’d respect whatever the blonde wanted to do. 

Quietly, Clarke made her way to the kitchen where she decided to prepare food for the family. She was tired and drained from all her crying, but she couldn’t stop the bone in her body that screamed for her to take care of everyone else. 

She ended up making her father and brother’s favorite dish of hers, Omelets and bacon. She had cried while making it, but she also had a nostalgic smile on her face. There were many days when her father and brother had helped her cook this exact dish, and she couldn’t help but reminisce a little.

***************

_ “I’ll never understand where you learned how to cook,” Wells praised from behind Clarke while smelling the delicious smell of his sister’s cooking. _

_ “Seriously, your mother and I don’t have a culinary bone in our body,” her father laughed whole-heartedly, “The only thing your mother has going for her is her skills with a knife.” _

_ “That makes her sound like a murderer, Dad,” Wells pointed out. _

_ “Oh, Really?” he paused to think about his previous statement. “Okay, maybe it did,” he admitted, “but that’s not what I meant.” _

_ “We know, Dad,” Clarke chuckled while flipping an omelet, “Wells is just messing with you.” She said the last bit while throwing an annoyed glance at her older brother. _

_ “Why is Clarke the only one who can cook anyway?” her brother asked after a while. _

_ “Because I’m the only one who decided to put in the work to learn,” she quipped. _

_ “Oh shut up,” he huffed. _

_ “Omelets are ready!” she exclaimed shortly after. _

****************

Once Clarke finished making the omelets, she ran to her mom’s room holding a plate of food, a napkin, and a glass of water. She knocked quietly on the door before opening it and placing the food on her bedside table. Her mother seemed to be resting, so she gently poked her mother before pointing to the food. When she saw her mother nod and smile appreciate, Clarke simply left the room.

She then returned to the kitchen to grab the respective plates she had made for herself and her sisters. She ran upstairs, placed the food in her room where they were still cuddled together, then ran back down the stairs to grab drinks. 

When she made it back to her room, her sister’s were staring at the food with tears in their eyes. She assumed they made the same connection that she did, and she smiled softly at them before joining them.

Once everyone finished eating, she gathered the plates and placed them on her dresser to take downstairs in the morning. She then joined her sister’s on their bed. Madi looked at her expectantly, wanting to hear her sister sing.

Clarke tried for a few moments. She tried to bring herself to sing, even a few words, to help put her sister to sleep, but her body wouldn’t let her. Instead, she grabbed her phone and played a song that she knew the whole pretty much summed up the feeling the family were having. 

“ _ Hold on, just one more day. Hold on, I know you’ll find a way. Hold on, you got stars in your eyes, so let’s paint the sky. Oh, Hold on, just one more time. Hold on, I’ll be your reason why. Hold on, you got stars in your eyes, so let’s paint the sky-” _

\-------------------------------

After Lexa received that surprise email from Ms. Griffin, Lexa sent a message back telling the woman that she would do her best to get Clarke to open up, but she also reminded the worried mother that this was not something Lexa was trained in. She also told the woman that if Clarke didn’t want to open up, she simply wouldn’t. 

The mother had not yet responded to her message, and she assumed the woman had begun the process of grieving. She silently wished happiness to the family before she continued with the rest of her day.

Now, she and her sister’s are sitting in their living room, watching an old classic from when they were younger. They collectively decided that, in light of the recently sad and gloomy mood of the girls, they’d spend some time being nostalgic and sappy. 

“Oh! Oh! Oh! Do you remember when Lexa tried to recreate this scene in her backyard?” Anya exclaimed, remembering a time when they were younger.

“No! Don’t remind me! God, that’s so embarrassing,” Lexa exclaimed while hiding her face. 

“No! It was so hilarious!” Luna agreed, “You were all like ‘Hahaha! Gotcha bitch!’ and then you started running after the imaginary criminal until you missed a tree root. You tripped and almost broke your nose.” At this point, Anya and Luna were laughing hysterically while Lexa hid her incredibly red face. “Oh! And then Anya stepped in as then criminal and said, ‘Hahaha, no, I gotcha bitch!’”

All the girls couldn’t help but laugh when Luna recounted the story. It will always be embarrassing for Lexa, but she had to admit that it was hilarious. The girls continued to recount funny stories from their childhood together until they all agreed to go to sleep. They were all tired from the short day, and they were all ready to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is a lot shorter than usual, but this is kind of a filler to set the stage for the next few chapters which should be out soon. 
> 
> Also, I know that I've been really indecisive about when Lexa, Luna, and Anya met, but I've decided that they have been friends since birth. I'm going to go back to other chapter's to fix this mistake for future readers, but I want those of you who've already read the story to get the clear picture.
> 
> And, just so everyone knows, as far as Lexa's Costia situation (this popped into my head while rereading some other chapters earlier) I want it to be clear that Lexa has been clean for 6 years since she graduated High school. Costia died around 4 years from current time when Lexa was a sophmore in college. If anything I said in the past contradicts this statement, it's no longer true! I tend to get timelines messed up, so I hope this clears some stuff up.
> 
> Do note that if you have any questions about a story, go through the comments or leave a comment of your own. I always respond to questions, and it's possible that someone might have the same question as you. I know I'm a very confusing writer, so I apologize for that. My head's constantly all over the place haha. Anyway, thanks for the reading and don't forget to leave some feedback!
> 
> "Hold On" by Extreme Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSpdCzCtsys


	17. Communication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke struggles with her ability to talk as well as her newfound fears. Lexa and Clarke meet again. Lexa, Luna, and Anya all make surprising admissions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What!? Two updates in one day?! I know, I'm amazing. Just kidding, I just felt really inspired, and this might be my favorite chapter yet.

One week later, and Clarke still hasn’t spoken a single word since that day in the hospital. Her family hasn’t pressured her into talking, but she thinks her mother is worried with her lack of speech. Her family has begun to understand certain hand motions though, so it’s not like Clarke is not communicating. She simply cannot bring herself to speak, even of things completely unrelated to the incident.

Her mother has expressed her profound worry about her lack of speech, but Clarke cannot give her an explanation. Clarke can’t even give herself an explanation. Anytime her mother would ask her what was wrong, all Clarke could do was shrug. That is, until her mother suggested a therapist. Clarke shook her head so aggressively, Abby seriously worried that her daughter’s head would fall off. Clarek couldn’t explain why, but she knew a therapist would not help her recover. She just needed her family, or what was left of it, and time. 

Octavia and Raven have also stopped by everyday after school all week except Monday. Everytime Clarke heard the ring of the doorbell, she remembered the sound of sirens. She’s not sure why her brain made that connection. Maybe because they’re both loud, obnoxious noises? She simply couldn’t bring herself to go anywhere near the door. 

However, it’s not time for her to go to school for the first time since the accident, and she’s now standing in the living room, death staring at the door as if willing it to allow her to pass. Her mother and Madi were waiting in the car while Charlotte said she’d stay back to help Clarke.

Charlotte had gotten a lot closer since the loss of their brother and father. Charlotte was the first to be able to understand Clarke. Why she wasn’t speaking. Why she was grieving. Even what she was trying to say her hand gestures. For a while, Charlotte had to translate for everyone else until they understood. Clarke would be eternally grateful for her sister’s help.

Charlotte approached her sister, standing behind her. She analyzed her older sister’s determined face, and she understood that Clarke wanted to leave much like she wanted to speak. Her body and mind simply weren’t on the same wavelength. 

“Clarke, we really do need to go,” Charlotte whispered, and Clarke nodded. Still, she made no move to exit the house. “Clarke, please. I know it’s hard but we need to go,” Charlotte pleaded. 

Clarke kept her determined face, but Charlotte didn’t miss the tear that fell down her sister’s face. She still didn’t understand why Clarke hated the door so much, but she would be patient. She wouldn’t give up on her sister because she knew Clarke would be there for her if the roles were reversed.

“Would it help if I held your hand and walked with you?” Charlotte asked. When she picked up on the hesitance on her sister’s face, she assured her, “I won't pull you out. If you want to stop, just tap my shoulder.” Charlotte tapped her sister’s shoulder to demonstrate what she meant, and Clarke grabbed her sister’s hand without any hesitation. She gave a small smile that Clarke could only comprehend as unimaginable gratitude. 

Charlotte began walking towards the door, and they managed to get about 4 yards away from the door when Clarke tapped Charlotte’s shoulder to tell her to stop. Immediately, Charlotte stopped and turned to her sister. She saw more sister’s falling down her face, and Charlotte squeezed her sister’s hand. Clarke squeezed back appreciatively before pointing to the ground, signaling that she wanted to sit down.

Charlotte agreed and dropped to the ground with her sister. Clarke lightly tapped her sister as if to say “watch me” and she turned to face away from the door. Turning her head to the side, Charlotte saw her sister turning to face the direction she did, and Clarke gently laid her head on her sister’s shoulder. 

Charlotte wrapped her arm around her sister’s shoulder, allowing her all the time she needed. Truthfully, she had seen the girl try to leave the house multiple times throughout the week, but she had never managed to get out the door. She didn’t expect today to be any different, so she patted Clarke’s shoulder and said, “I’ll be right back.” When Clarke nodded, Charlotte ran to her mother’s car.

“Clarke’s gonna take a while. You should drop Madi off,” she explained to her mother.

“It’s your first day of school. You need to go too,” her mother said.

“I’m the only one who might be able to get Clarke out the house,” Charlotte reminded her mother, “just let me stay a little longer. If she’s not ready by lunch time, then you can take me to school.”

Abby thought for a moment before nodding her head at her younger daughter. She smiled at the girl before driving off. Madi was still slightly oblivious to what had happened because she hadn’t seen her father and brother around very often anyway, so she hadn’t really changed much. However, Madi did know that something was wrong as she had seen how much everyone else was struggling. 

When Charlotte returned to Clarke’s side, the girl was standing again, a few steps closer to the door. She was leaning on her crutch, taking deep breaths and trying to calm herself.

“Look, not that I don’t enjoy missing school,” Charlotte chuckled, “but we really do need to get you there.”

Clarke nodded, and Charlotte didn’t miss the exasperation on her sister’s face. She knew Clarke wanted to get to school, or at least knew she had to go to school. She really was trying to bring herself to exit the house. By now, it would only take about 5 more steps to reach the door, and Charlotte was determined to get her sister out, no matter how long it took.

“C’mon Clarke. You got this!” she assured her sister, hoping it helped. Her sister looked down at her leg with a frown before putting her crutch forward and taking another step. Charlotte cheered happily for her sister, and Clarke smiled at her sister. It truly was helpful how much Charlotte tried and seemed to know exactly what she needed and when.

About an hour later, after much stopping, sitting, death staring, walking, and repeating, Clarke made it to the threshold of the door. When her foot hit the threshold, Clarke immediately sat down and began crying. “You did it!” Charlotte cheered happily, and somewhat surprised, for her older sister. She was always amazed by her sister’s insurmountable strength, and this only proved that Clarke would overcome whatever she was experiencing. 

Clarke grabbed her sister’s shoulders and pulled her into a tight hug. She hovered by mouth by her sister’s ear, hoping that she’d be able to thank her, but nothing came out. She sighed in frustration because little noises like that and screams were the only thing her vocal chords could seem to produce. Charlotte picked up on her sister’s frustration, so she said, “It’s okay. You don’t have to thank me. I’m just proud of you and happy for you.”

Clarke teared up even more at her sister’s words. All she could do was hug her sister tighter, and Charlotte had never felt so happy. Despite the loss of her brother and father, she had managed to find happiness in helping Clarke recover. She also knew that with the family supporting each other, they’d be able to make it move on eventually.

“Are you ready to get to the car?” Charlotte asked, and Clarke got up with a newfound determination. Of course, she had been determined the whole time, but this time it was enhanced, multiplied, and amplified. Clarke hadn’t been in a car since they arrived home, and she had been avoiding them like the plague since. 

After death staring at the car for a while, Clarke simply shook her head. As much as she wanted to take that step, she couldn’t. She had already managed to get through the door, and she didn't want to push herself too far. “That’s okay,” Charlotte assured her with a smile. Clarke looked at her and exhaled a sigh of relief before placing two fingers on her palm and alternated in moving them forward, signaling that she wanted to walk to school.

“Do you know how far the school is?” Charlotte exclaimed. Clarke nodded, so Charlotte continued, “and you want to walk all the way there, and back, on crutches?” Clarke nodded again and Charlotte rolled her eyes with a huff. “You’re so stubborn sometimes. You know?” she asked while grabbing Clarke’s backpack from the girl. Clarke looked upset with her for doing it before Charlotte said, “It’s like a mile Clarke. You’ll thank me later.”

Sure enough, Clarke regretted her decision when she was about halfway to the school. There was a way to get there without crossing any major roads, but it took a little longer than the other ways. Still, that’s the path they chose. She also reminded herself that she’d be making the walk back on her own. Still, she continued pushing herself to get to school. It was already 10am, and she knew she’d only make it to about three classes and half of lunch at this point, but at least she can say she made it.

\----------------------------------

When the bell for lunch rang, Lexa was quick to make her way to the teacher’s lounge to talk with her sisters. Clarke was supposed to return to school today, and she was nowhere to be seen. She had asked the girl’s friend’s when she was supposed to return, and her friends both told her that she was supposed to return today. Neither of them had seen her either. 

When she arrived at the teacher’s lounge, she wasted no time asking, “Clarke was supposed to return today, right?” 

“She was, but her mother said she might not make it. She messaged all of Clarke’s morning teacher’s around 7am,” Anya explained. 

“Why?” Lexa asked.

“Ms. Griffin said something about Clarke not being able to leave the house. She was very vague,” Luna answered with a confused face.

“Odd,” Lexa said. Of all the reasons why she expected Clarke to not show up, that was definitely not on the list.

“I hope she’s alright. She must be going through a lot,” Anya said sympathetically. Though she couldn’t put herself in the girl’s shoes, she could only guess how difficult her life must be now. The other girls nodded their agreement before continuing to eat their meals.

\----------------------------------

When Clarke finally made it to the school she excitedly high fived her sister who shared her excitement. “Mom told me you stay after school, so do you want me to come with you. If the teacher wants to talk to you, she might want me there,” Charlotte asked, and Clarke thought about it. 

Clarke pointed to Charlotte before pointing to her head, asking “you mind?” and Charlotte shook her head no with a smile, showing that she truly didn’t mind. It’s not like she had friends to hang out with or something anyway. Clarke nodded her head, telling Charlotte she would like her to stay after school with her, and Charlotte nodded, telling Clarke she understood. 

When Clarke went to lunch, the “class” she was supposed to be in at this time. Her sister, unfortunately, had a class at the time and wouldn’t be able to see Clarke again until detention. She was immediately greeted by her friends who hugged her with fevor. “You scared us!” they exclaimed at the same time.

Clarke put her head down apologetically before Octavia said, “hey, we’re not mad. We just wish you would’ve sent a text or something.” Clarke nodded and smiled at them while sitting down at their usual table. “You hungry?” Raven asked, and Clarke nodded her head. The walk had really drained a lot of her energy. 

Raven laughed and offered Clarke some of her food before pointing out, “You’re not very talkative.” Clarke simply shrugged, and Raven and Octavia made a mental note to talk about it with the girl or her family later. 

The rest of Clarke’s classes went smoothly until history. The second she entered the room, she was called to Miss Woods’ desk. “Where were you this morning?” the teacher asked when Clarke reached her desk. It was obvious to Clarke that the teacher was worried and not angry. Clarke simply shrugged as she was not sure how to get her point across to the teacher. 

Lexa looked the girl up and down when she shrugged. She wondered why the girl was not talking. She had read something about people going mute from PTSD, and she wondered if that’s what was happening with Clarke. She seemed to understand that she wouldn’t get answers from the girl, so she dismissed her back to her seat and watched as the girl hobbled to her usual spot. 

Clarke actually spent all of class listening to her teacher intently. Ever since her father and brother’s death, she hasn’t felt as inclined to draw. They were always her biggest supporters, and without them, the idea of art kind of fell flat. Instead, when she finished working on her normal work, she zoned out. This happened a lot recently, and Clarke would zone out for varying amounts of time. There were times when she was out for hours and others where it was mere minutes. 

Clarke was snapped back to the real world when someone put their hands on her shoulders. On reflex, Clarke elbowed the person in the gut and spun around. She gasped when she realized it was her teacher.

When Lexa looked up after getting hit by her student, she immediately saw the guilty and apologetic look on the girl’s face. “It’s alright,” she assured the girl, “I shouldn’t have touched you while you were zoned out.” Still, the girl looked like she killed my puppy.

Suddenly, the door was thrown open and an unfamiliar person entered the room. “Who are you?” the brunette teacher asked.

“Clarke’s sister,” she said while pointing her finger at Clarke with a smile that she saw Clarke return. 

“That must make you Charlotte,” the teacher said while offering the student her hand.

“She told you about me?” the Griffin girl asked while shooting a questioning look at her older sister who looked away. 

“Yeah,” Lexa answered simply, “we talk a lot in detention…. Usually.”

“Yeah,” Charlotte breathed understandingly, “she hasn’t talked to anyone since before the flight home.”

“Really?” Lexa asked. She was sad for the girl.

“Mhm, she wants to, but it’s like she just can’t. Anyway, I’m just here to translate I guess,” Charlotte explained.

“Alright, well, make yourself comfortable I guess,” Lexa said while gesturing to the classroom, and Charlotte muttered a quiet thank you. 

Seeing as Clarke was not going to talk about anything private because her sister would have to translate it, Lexa decided to grade some papers. While grading papers, she’d sneak glances at the blonde student and watch how she interacted with her sister. It was quite amazing to watch the girl communicate so well through simple gestures that weren’t exactly sign language. It also surprised Lexa how well her sister understood what she was saying. It almost seemed like Clarke was simply talking to Charlotte like she would any other day before the accident. 

“Miss…” Charlotte trailed off. The teacher had never told her her name.

“Woods,” Lexa finished for the girl.

“Clarke asked how your week was, and I think she said something about a question game,” Charlotte seemed completely lost about what Clarke was talking about, and it even seemed that she was questioning her translation abilities.

Lexa smiled at the blonde and walked towards the duo. She sat in a chair in front of the girls, so she could face them. “My week was well. Boring but well. Yours?” Lexa asked. She was somewhat hesitant about asking the last part, but she went with it anyway.

Clarke used a finger to mock a tear falling down her face before tilting her hand back and forth. Lexa understood what she was saying, but Charlotte translated, “Sad, but so-so,” which confirmed Lexa’ suspicions.

Clarke made some other gestures with a smirk that had Lexa completely lost, but Charlotte seemed to understand it easily, “She asked if you missed her.” the girl’s tone said she was confused which, to be fair, she should be. Clarke, her student, had just asked if Lexa, the blonde’s teacher, missed her. 

“Sure, but don’t let it go to your head,” while pointing a finger at the girl with a subtle smile. Clarke smiled faintly back, and Lexa was happy and surprised she was able to make the girl smile after such traumatic events. Charlotte looked back and forth between the two women, trying to comprehend something, before Charlotte began making gestures to Clarke. Lexa didn’t understand them, but judging by the pink tinge left on Clarke’s cheek, the blonde understood exactly what her sister was saying. 

“I asked if sh-” Charlotte was abruptly cut off by her sister’s hand slapping her mouth shut. She laughed behind her sister’s hand before licking her, causing Clarke to make a grunt of disgust before wiping her hand on Charlotte’s pants. 

“Obviously, Clarke doesn’t wish for me to know,” Lexa said, trying her best to sound sad. Lexa looked at her teacher apologetically, almost guiltily, and the brunette immediately felt bad. “Don’t worry, it’s not like you have to tell me anything about your life,” Lexa reassured the girl.

Clarke made more motions with her hands, and Charlotte translated, “She asked if you can understand her without me intervening.”

“Somewhat,” Lexa answered, and both girls looked surprised. It had taken Abby almost a full week to understand Clarke without Charlotte, and her teacher was able to understand her in around 5 minutes.

Clarke then motioned to her sister, and Charlotte got up to leave. “Where are you going?” Lexa asked the younger girl.

“She said I could leave, so I’m going to wait for her outside the school,” Charlotte answered honestly, and Lexa nodded.

Lexa turned her attention back to the blonde who was smiling shyly. She continued motioning with her hands and Lexa swore the girl had meant something like “You’re not going to leave me, are you?” Not fully understanding, Lexa asked, “Can you sign that again?”

Clarke looked a little annoyed, as if she knew the teacher knew what she asked, and she didn’t want to repeat herself. Still, the girl signed again, using the same motions, and Lexa had to ask to be sure, “Am I going to leave you?” Clarke nodded her head shyly, and Lexa felt her heart break. “I’m not going to leave you, especially not now… unless you want me to,” Lexa said, sounding a little sad when she said the “unless you want me to” bit.

Clarke shook her head vigorously “no”, and Lexa chuckled at the girl. The girl blushed slightly, feeling a little embarrassed by her question. Lexa, realizing it was her turn to ask a question, asked, “How are you, really?” 

Clarke paused for a moment before putting her thumb down halfway between “so-so” and “bad” Lexa could tell the girl wasn’t being honest, but she let it slide. 

Clarke began making signals with her hands again, and Lexa asked for confirmation, “What did I do over the weekend?” Clarke nodded, and Lexa answered, “Well, I talked with my father,” she, obviously, left out the reason why, “and spent some time reminiscing with Miss Forest and Miss Rivers.” Clarke smiled at the teacher, happy with her answer before allowing the teacher her chance to ask her question. 

“You know, we can postpone your detention until you’re able to talk again,” Lexa offered, and Clarke shook her head before signing with her hands. It was quite obvious what Clarke meant, so Lexa didn’t need to ask. “I’ve come to enjoy our time together after class.”

Lexa felt her heart beat faster with Clarke’s admission, and, without thinking, Lexa said, “me too.” She was surprised by her own words, but she wouldn’t take them back for anything when she saw the big smile on Clarke’s face. Lexa returned the smile, again, happy that she could make the girl smile in such turbulent times.

“It looks like our time is up,” Lexa told Clarke a while later. Both had stopped conversing, but they still sat near each other and simply enjoyed the other’s presence. Clarke nodded while collecting her things and making her way into the hallway. Before she turned the corner out of the room, Clarke stopped. The school bell had begun to ring, and Clarke was taken back to her doorbell which reminded her of the accident. She soon started hyperventilating, and the girl dropped to the ground in front of the door.

“What’s wrong?” the teacher asked, seeing Clarke struggling.

Clarke simply flailed her arms around, trying to explain, but she was signing to fast for Lexa to understand. “May I touch you?” Lexa asked, and Clarke nodded through her hyperventilating. Lexa grabbed the girl’s shoulders and made her look at her. She fell to the ground with the girl, and got the girl to look her in the eyes. “Breath, Clarke. You are okay. Breath with me,” Lexa told the girl while matching her breathing with the girl’s and slowly slowing down with Clarke copying her. She counted down with her breathing, and though she didn’t expect Clarke to count out loud, she could tell she was still calming down. 

Once Clarke was able to breathe normally again, she smiled appreciatively at the teacher, and Lexa returned the smile. Clarke got up and made her way back to the door, but she still couldn’t bring herself to go through it. Lexa looked back and forth between the door and Clarke before finally understanding what her mother meant when she said that Clarke wasn’t able to leave the house. “I’ll be right back,” Lexa said, but before she could leave, Clarke instinctively grabbed the teacher’s wrist. “I’m just going to get your sister,” the teacher reassured the girl. Clarke loosened her grip and allowed the teacher to leave.

When the teacher found the younger Griffin girl, she explained everything that had happened to Clarke, and the girl easily followed Lexa back to the classroom. Lexa watched as the younger girl helped her sister take slow towards the door while muttering words of encouragement and cheering for the girl when she made it closer.

Lexa felt her heart ache for the oldest blonde. She couldn’t imagine how frustrating her day-to-day life must be now. It’s obvious that Clarke wants to talk, but she can’t bring herself to do it. It’s obvious that Clarke wants to walk right out the door, but she can’t bring herself to do it. Lexa can’t imagine her limbs and brain not working together in such a way. A simple task to someone else, such as leaving a room, takes Clarke hours. 

In fact, this time it took Clarke two more hours to exit the room. Charlotte had told the teacher that she could leave, and that Charlotte would lock the door for the teacher. It’s not that Lexa didn’t trust the girl; quite the contrary, she found that much like Clarke, the girl seemed trustworthy. She just really wanted to be there for Clarke. However, it seemed like Clarke was both embarrassed and frustrated with her presence the whole time. She seemed like she liked having the teacher around, but she wished she didn’t look so weak and incapable in front of her.

When Clarke finally got out the door, Lexa cheered with the girls. Charlotte looked surprised to see that the teacher seemed genuinely happy for her sister, and not just happy that she finally got to go home. “Do you girls need a ride?” Lexa asked. It was currently 6pm, and she assumed that the girls had not expected to stay this long, so they wouldn’t have a ride.

Clarke vigorously shook her head no, and Lexa internally face-palmed. She should’ve known that the girl was still scared of cars. Hell, Lexa would be scared of cars too. Though, that begs the question of how they got to the school that morning. “How’d you guys get here this morning?” Lexa asked.

“We walked,” Charlotte answered.

“And you’re going to walk back?” she concluded, and Charlotte and Clarke nodded.

“Would you at least like me to tail you? It’s dark out, and I wouldn’t want to risk anything,” Lexa said, and Clarke couldn’t help but chuckle. Seeing how much Lexa cared for others’ well-being reminded her of the day she woke up in the teacher’s bed after her night of partying when the teacher claimed she couldn’t just leave Clarke unconscious in a park. Charlotte looked to her older sister, and Clarke moved her hands around. Charlotte translated, “She doesn’t want to be a bother.”

“It’s no trouble at all. It will only take me a few minutes to drive home after anyway,” Lexa explained, and so Clarke reluctantly nodded. Lexa also allowed the girls to put their backpacks in her car to alleviate what weight she could.

She tailed theg girls all the way back to the Griffin residence, and it was now 7pm. Lexa unlocked her cars and popped the passenger door open for Charlotte to grab their bags because Clarke would not get close enough to her car to grab hers. Charlotte thanked the teacher, and Clarke did her best as well. Lexa said her goodbyes and goodnights before driving home. 

When she arrived home, it was 7:30, and it sister’s looked at her expectantly. They were probably wondering why it took her three hours longer than usual to get home, even with her detention with Clarke. 

“So, what took you so long?” Luna asked, thought it sounded more like she was scolding her.

“It took Clarke a while to leave,” she said, vaguely hinting at what Ms. Griffin had told her friends this morning, “and then she refused a car ride. I offered to tail the two with my headlights on so they could see. It took a while to walk back to their house, and then I drove back here.”

“You plan on doing that everyday?” Anya asked, and Lexa simply shrugged. “Lexa,” Anya said in a warning tone.

“What?” Lexa asked.

“You wouldn’t do this for another student in Clarke’s situation,” Anya reminded her.

“And, I’ve told you. Clarke and I just click. I know it sounds weird because she’s a student, but it’s easy to talk to her. It also seems she talks to me easier than anyone else, even the girl’s mother thinks so,” Lexa explained herself. It’s true, she’s had mixed feelings about the blonde since the beginning. There’s no denying the fact that the blonde is simply stunning, and she has the personality to match it. However, Lexa would never let something as simple as feelings get in the way of her career. Never.

“Lexa,” Anya said in a warning tone again, and Luna continued glaring at Lexa as if staring into the girl’s soul and reading her darkest secrets.

“Okay, I admit the girl is beautiful, and maybe some part of me feels something for her,” Lexa admits to her friends. They look like they’re about to cut her off, but she speaks first, “but I would never risk my career for feelings. Especially ones that are most likely unrequited. So yes, I will be as kind to the girl as I can be and yes, I will help her through tough times, but I will not do anything to risk my job. I love my job more than anything else in my life right now aside from you guys and my dad.”

Anya and Luna gape at their friend for a while. They were still flabbergasted that their friend admitted to having feelings for a student, but they were not at all surprised by her vow to put her work first. Lexa always did value her work above all else, so it was no surprise. However, Lexa rarely admitted feelings, especially for someone as forbidden to her as Clarke is.

However, both girls can also admit, to themselves, that they’ve had eyes on a particular student since the beginning of the year. Both girls find Raven Reyes incredibly attractive, and her personality is perfect to them. Though, both girls would, also, never put their jobs on the line for a girl, no matter how perfect. If any of them wanted to make their move, they’d do it when it was legal, and when it wouldn’t put their careers in danger. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I have questions for y'all. I've decided the way I'm going to get the two girls together, so it's only a matter of writing it out so it doesn't feel rushed :) However, I've been thinking of writing Luna, Anya, and Raven as a poly relationship because gotta love LGBTQ+ representation. If that's the way people want to see the story go, I only ask that you don't judge the way I write it because I've never been part of or witnessed a polyamorous relationship. If that does happen, I do ask that if you have any knowledge on the topic that you correct any mistakes I make because I would hate to portray something like that incorrectly. 
> 
> Other than that, I hope you enjoyed the double update, and don't forget to give me some feedback. It keeps me going :)


	18. Flashbang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke spends a lot of time thinking about her brother and father. She also makes a discovery that leads to a change in lifestyle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey peeps! Sorry I haven't posted since what? Wednesday? I had a test on Friday that I spent a lot of time studying for, so I didn't have much time to write. I also got roped into a lot of cleaning, and I learned that my friends were hanging out together and they didn't even invite me. Long story short, it's been a few days of reflection for me.
> 
> Otherwise, this chapter is a little heavy because that's just the mood I'm in sorry not sorry. Hope y'all enjoy :)
> 
> THANKS FOR 100 KUDOS!

The next morning, Clarke truly felt the loss of her brother and father. Before, she had accepted that they were gone, but now she’s really feeling it. She can’t call her brother when she needs advice, and she can’t ask her father for a big hug -he always gave the best hugs- anymore. 

Rather than crying -which she had done a lot of recently- she decided to make another one of their favorite meals. They loved her sausage, biscuits, and gravy, so she put the items together to make the meal.

The meal didn’t take long to make, and soon enough, she was running upstairs to wake Charlotte. She shook Charlotte again and motioned to her mouth and stomach to tell the girl that food was done. She nodded and waited for Clarke to wake Madi up, so she could tell her. 

Despite the recent events, Clarke refused to let her relationship with her sisters suffer. She gently shook Madi before planting kisses all over Madi’s face to wake the girl. The girl woke up giggling, and Clarke gave her a big hug before Charlotte said, “Breakfast is ready. I’m gonna go tell Mom.” Clarke nodded to her younger sister before smiling at Madi and returning to the main floor to eat. 

After a few minutes, Charlotte, Madi, and Abby reached the main floor and put together their meals. They all looked at the meal nostalgically as if they realized Clarke and made the meal because it was her father’s favorite. Abby gave her that look that said “I know you’re not okay, but you won’t talk to me”, and Clarke hated that despite her poor relationship with her mother, she could still read the blonde like an open book. 

The rest of the family exchanged small talk around the meal, and Clarke enjoyed the conversation even though she wasn’t a part of it. Everyone, especially Madi, tried to include her, but Clarke would only shrug, nod, or shake her head. Madi seemed a little upset with Clarke’s lack of speech, but Charlotte and Abby managed to explain what had happened.

Abby, being the amazing doctor she was, told the girl’s that Clarke was mute, probably due to PTSD which was not uncommon. Madi seemed confused, but Abby managed to explain it in a way that made sense to the youngest girl.

After that, Clarke kissed her youngest sister’s head and sent her with Abby who took the young brunette to the car, and Charlotte prepared to help Clarke through the door again. Clarke was grateful that her family was understanding, and she made a mental note to thank all of them profusely when and if she was ever able to talk again. 

Clarke had an easier time getting out the door today, but it still took her an hour meaning she missed her math class and part of gym. Not to mention, she still refused to go anywhere near a car, and she still needed to walk to school. Charlotte offered Clarke one of her earbuds for music, and Clarke graciously accepted.

When Clarke made it to school, Charlotte took their earbuds out and asked, “Do you want me to go to detention with you?” Clarke shook her head, and Charlotte asked, “Do you want me to stay after?” Clarke waved a hand dismissively, basically telling her not to worry about it. “You sure?” Charlotte asked, and she accepted Clarke’s answer when the blonde nodded again.

Clarke walked to her gym class, and Miss Rivers smiled at her. Clarke returned the gesture. “Nice to see you this morning, Clarke,” Miss Rivers said, pausing to allow Clarke to say something. When Clarke said nothing, Miss Rivers gave her a strange look before informing her, “We’re just walking laps today.” Clarke nodded and smiled at the teacher again before walking her laps. 

Clarke watched the clock and waited until a minute before the bell rang. When the time finally came, she walked as far from the speakers as she could, sank to the floor, and covered her ears. Everyone gave her strange looks, the teacher included, but she ignored them. She knew how she reacted to the bell, and she did what she could to avoid panicking in front of her whole class. 

When the bell went, Clarke heard it still. It was muffled, but she heard it. Flashbacks from the day of the accident came back, and she found herself hyperventilating. She vaguely noticed Miss Rivers approaching her, but she couldn’t hear her. Her brain was in a different place. 

She was only snapped out of it when she heard a familiar voice, “Clarke?” Clarke glanced up, hands still firmly placed over her ears, to see her history teacher. “Breath with me,” She said to the girl, and she nodded. Clarke followed the teacher’s breathing, and soon enough, she was calm again. When Clarke stood up to leave, she looked between the two teachers. She opened her mouth to thank them, but nothing came out. She settled for a simple nod before walking away.

Meanwhile, Lexa exchanged a smile conversation with Luna. The woman was worried for the blonde, in fact, both were. Luna wondered if the girl should even be at school, and they both agreed that she probably shouldn’t. However, they both knew how difficult it would be to get the board to agree to it. In their eyes, it would be seen as irresponsible -of Clarke and her mother- to not attend school, and it could even result in a court date which was not what the Griffin family needed right now. 

Clarke’s next classes went the same as her previous ones, but she managed to block out the sound of the bell. She was glad she didn’t have any more panic attacks because she absolutely hated them. When she finally made it to lunch, she was quick to find a seat with Octavia and Raven. The brunettes had picked up on Clarke’s lack of speech, so they didn’t really try talking to her, but they didn’t leave her out of the conversation either. They’d ask her simple yes or no questions to try to keep her involved, but they never pressured her to speak which Clarke appreciated. 

Clarke’s classes after lunch went the same as her morning classes. They were all pretty boring, but she got her work done. Once her -now- favorite class rolled around, she was happy to take her seat in the back of the class. She smiled at her teacher, and the woman returned the gesture.

Clarke spent most of the class thinking about her father and brother. So much so, she hadn’t even paid attention to what the teacher was saying. 

*************

_ “Dad! Wait up!” A young Clarke yelled. _

_ Her dad spun around and lifted Clarke off the ground to spin her around in the air, both exchanged joyous laughter before Jake placed his daughter back on the ground. “Unfair!” Clarke exclaimed. _

_ “You told me to wait, Clarke,” he chuckled as if proving his point. _

_ “I said to wait, not to pick me up,” she huffed while crossing her arms.  _

_ “Aww, don’t get grumpy on me now, sweety,” he cooed while pinching at her sides, again, making Clarke laugh.  _

_ “Fine, fine, fine!” Clarke relented through her laughter. _

_ Her father smiled at her before grabbing her hand. “Where are we going?” she asked. _

_ “I’m going to show you where we’re here,” her father said with a bright smile, the one reserved only for his daughter.  _

_ Clarke glanced out at the sun setting on the beach, and she smiled to herself. The ocean always brought her unimaginable peace, and she was glad she lived near one.  _

_ Soon enough, her father stopped walking, and he sat in the sand. He patted the ground next to him, and Clarke joined him in the sand. “You see that,” he said while pointing to the setting sun. _

_ “Mhm,” Clarke hummed happily, “It’s the sunset.” _

_ “Yes,” he smiled happily before continuing, “us Griffin’s have a tradition.” _

_ Clarke nodded while giving him her full attention. She loved hearing of family traditions because they always reminded her that she was a part of something. _

_ “When a Griffin turns 18, they have to swim into the ocean, as far as they can, into the sunset. It has to be on an evening when the waters are calm, and you have to be sure it’s at a beach where the undercurrent isn’t awful,” her father glanced at her, making sure she was still paying attention before continuing, “Once you make it back, you’re officially an adult in the eyes of a Griffin.” _

_ “Woah,” Clarke whispered in awe. Her father had never told her of many traditions before this one, and this one fascinated her. _

_ “It’s said that if you swim out far enough and for long enough, you’ll see your purpose written in the blurred line between the stars and the sun,” her father whispered in her ear before wrapping his arm around her shoulders.  _

_ “Why would I want to know that?” The young blonde asked. _

_ “I don’t know, why would you?” he asked. Jake had a tendency to answer questions with questions, and Clarke actually liked it. He always found a way to make Clarke answer her own questions, and she respected that about her father. He gave her advice while also allowing her to find answers on her own.  _

_ “To fulfill it?” Clarke answered curiously. _

_ “Is that what you’d do with the information?” her father asked. _

_ “What else would you do with it?” she asked. _

_ “What would you do with it?” her father asked. _

_ “I’m serious, Dad!” she pushed him, a little annoyed but still playful. _

_ “Well, I made it far enough, and I saw fatherhood written in the stars. Well, it’s more of a voice in your head rather than reading something. It’s like an angel whispers a purpose to you, and you accept it. As you see, I fulfilled my purpose,” he paused for a moment before continuing, “However, your grandfather was supposed to be a lawyer, but he decided to be a social worker, and he was still successful. So, really, you can do what you want with the information.” _

_ “If you don’t have to fulfill your purpose, why do you have one?” Clarke asked, puzzled.  _

_ “Well, it’s not a purpose so much as it’s advice of what path to take. It’s why you go at 18 when you’re technically an adult. When you’re at your lowest and your most confused, you can think back to what the sunset whispered in your ear, and it can offer you guidance,” her father explained, and Clarke accepted the answer. _

_ She began thinking about what her “purpose” would be. Would it depend on where she was in life? Was her “purpose” planned out from the beginning? Was it set in stone? What would it be?  _

_ “Alright, sweety, let’s go home before your mother sends a search party,” he chuckled while getting up, dusted the sand off his clothes, and offered a hand for his daughter who gratefully took it.  _

*************

“Clarke?” the teacher asked from the front of the class. Clarke looked around and noticed that she was the only one in the room. She hadn’t heard the bell ring because she was so lost in thought, so now she was alone in the room with her teacher. “Are you alright?” the teacher asked once she had the students attention. The girl nodded and stared back into space. The teacher seemed to understand that Clarke needed time to think with herself, so she returned to her desk. 

Clarke found herself being pulled back into her thoughts, and she welcomed the memories of her lost family members. She was destroyed that they wouldn’t be having a funeral because their bodies were stuck in the crash, so she wouldn’t have time to really grieve and say goodbye. Though, she supposes she had more of an opportunity than the rest of her family. 

**************

_ “What the hell, Atom?” Clarke screamed as her boyfriend threw a glass face right at her head. She narrowly dodged the through while screaming at him to stop. “Stop, Atom, You’re drunk!” She yelled. _

_ He continued to throw things: chairs, glass, tables, pictures, etc, and Clarke was starting to freak out. “You’re scaring me!” she yelled after a while, tears streaming down her face.  _

_ “You should be scared!” he yelled in a slur, giving away his drunken state. “You’re a piece of shit, you know that, Clarke,” he continued, “No one, no one will ever love you the way I do.” Despite his words, he continued throwing framed photos of them onto the ground, shattering the glass. He threw some of them at her, causing her to get a few scratches from stray glass.  _

_ “You know what, fuck you, Atom!” she yelled at him, “This isn’t love!” She ran out the door and closed it just as she heard a heavy thud against it. “No one will ever love you, you slut!” he exclaimed after the thud. She ignored his words and exhaled a shaky breath before running home, tears still streaming down her face.  _

_ When she arrived, she opened the door and slammed it behind her before falling back against it. She allowed her tears to flow freely now, and she let out a gut-wrenching sob with quite gasps for air.  _

_ “Hey, Clarke, breath,” her brother reached for her, but she jumped back. “It’s just me, Wells,” he cooed before sitting next to the girl with a first aid kit.  _

_ “I ended it,” she whispered through her sobs.  _

_ “Did he do this?” he asked while picking the small shards of glass out of her skin. _

_ “He didn’t mean to hurt me,” Clarke explained, “He was just angry.” _

_ “That little shit,” he muttered while cleaning Clarke’s minimal wounds. _

_ “It’s over,” she whispered in disbelief. _

_ “Thank God,” her brother said, and Clarke looked at him as if saying “not helping”. “Sorry, but you know I hated him. All he ever did was put you down, especially when he drinks. You’re better off without him, Goose,” he whispered while kissing her forehead. Clarke allowed herself to sob into his shoulder while he continued cleaning the glass out of her skin. _

_ When he was done, he helped her up and got her to her bed. He had told Charlotte and Madi to stay away from Clarke’s room for a while, and they both agreed. Giving Clarke time to come to terms with her new situation. _

************

When Clarke snapped out of her dream-like state she realized she was crying with a nostalgic smile on her face. Her teacher was sitting near her with a concerned look on her face. Clarke wiped her tears away before giving the teacher an “I’m okay” look. The brunette looked at her skeptically before returning to her desk. 

************

_ “Clarke, look, the rook can only go forward and side to side,” Wells chided her for the upteenth time. _

_ “This hurts my brain, Wells!” she complained.  _

_ “I know, but it will help you in the long run,” he smiled at her, one reserved only for his sisters. _

_ “Okay, so rook goes forward, knight makes an L, bishop goes diagonally, and pawns can move forward one, or two on their first time,” Clarke recited for confirmation. _

_ “Nice!” he exclaimed while holding his hand up for a high five, and Clarke returned it.  _

_ They continued playing their game until one of them won. “No fair! I’m never gonna win. You’re more experienced,” Clarke complained.  _

_ “It’s not about experience,” her older brother chided, “It’s about strategy” _

_ “Strategy, smategy,” Clarke huffed, obviously annoyed by her inability to beat her brother.  _

_ “How about this, we play until you win a match?” her brother offered.  _

_ “Really?” she asked, and when he nodded, she flung herself into his arms, “You’re the best big brother ever!” _

_ True to his word, Wells and Clarke sat at the chess table for 4 more hours until Clarke finally shouted, “Checkmate! I actually did it.” _

_ “Well done,” he smiled at his sister. _

_ “Dad! I Did it! I beat Wells!” she exclaimed. _

_ “Nice just, princess,” he smiled at her before focusing back on his tv show. _

_ “See, it’s all about strategy,” Wells told her, and she poked her tongue out at him. _

**_********_ **

“Clarke!” the teacher finally got her attention, “your time’s up.”

Clarke nodded before walking out the door. She paused briefly at it before exiting. Clarke hopped on her crutches onto the sidewalk and began the long trek back to her house. 

When she finally returned, she saw that there was a moving truck there. Clarke sprinted into the house, not even stopping at the door. She flicked her eyes across the room in a panic. “The rest of our stuff from the old house is here,” Charlotte told her older sister when she saw the panic on her face.

Clarke nodded and began looking through all the stuff. When she saw her mother, she was sobbing. Clarke looked at her confused until she saw two urns in front of her. “They- uh, they got the bodies,” she cried harder, but managed to finish her statement, “I asked them to cre-cremate them.”

Clarke dropped into a seat next to her mother, staring at the urn. On the sides, her father and brother’s names were written on it as well as their birthdays and dates of death. Clarke lost and cried a million times harder than she had before. Charlotte pulled her into a hug and cried as well. 

When Clarke pulled herself together, she walked towards the stairs to go to her room, but she paused when something caught her eye. Her brother had a collection of glass chess boards that he had set around his room, and they sat there, staring at her. She started crying again, and she grabbed one of them. She threw it onto the ground before grabbing another one and throwing it, effectively shattering it.

Her mother and sister jumped out of their chairs to stop her, but Clarke was already done. She sank to the ground with her hands over her face. She screamed, as loud as she could while pulling at her hair before crying. It was one of those cries that was agonizing to hear, let alone be the one releasing it. Abby’s heart broke for her daughter, and Charlotte broke into tears at her sister’s reaction. 

Soon, Octavia and Raven entered the house. Abby had called the girls because she was unsure of what to do for her daughter. She was not close with the blonde, and she was pretty sure the girl didn’t want her there. 

Octavia looked at the shattered glass and her friend, and her heart shattered just as much as the glass. Her heart broke for her new friend because she couldn’t even comprehend the pain she was feeling. 

Raven, on the other hand, was not good at comforting people, so she grabbed a dustpan and broom. She began cleaning up the glass. Abby had tried to stop her, but Raven had said, “I’ve got it. You go be there for your daughter. She needs you more than anyone right now.” Abby had hugged the girl appreciatively before sitting down with Clarke, Octavia, and Charlotte. 

When Clarke calmed down, she pushed everyone off of her and walked calmly to her room. She slammed the door behind her, and everyone heard the click of the door locking. Octavia sat with her back to the door, and Charlotte joined her. Abby whispered, “I’ll go make dinner,” and the two girls nodded.

Clarke laid on her bed and stared at her ceiling. She, again, realized that yes, everyone does leave. She couldn’t fight it anymore. She must’ve been cursed or something because not even her own brother and father could stay in her life. 

She knew she had to push everyone away because it was best for everyone. If she had no one, no one could leave. If she didn’t let anyone in, no one could hurt her, and she liked it better that way. 

Also, she knew she was in a tough place in life, and she didn’t want to drag anyone down with her. She needed to face this alone, so she couldn’t bring others down with her.

When Clarke left her room, she was surprised to find her sister and friend waiting for her, but she simply walked past them. She smelled food, and she was hungry after the day she had. 

Once she had food, she brought her plate to her room. She closed the door and locked it again before eating. She spent a lot of time thinking about her brother and father, like usual, and she could stop wondering why it was them.

Why didn’t she just sit in the front seat instead of her brother? Why did that guy have to get drunk that day? Why did she live when no one else did? What made her so goddamn special that her life was more important than anyone else’s in the crash? Why her. 

She couldn’t help but wonder what her brother’s life would’ve been like. Would he get married? Would he have kids? What job would he have? Oh my God, was he with that woman he told Clarke about? Does she know? 

She really hoped her brother had rejected the woman because she didn’t want to be the one to tell the woman that her brother was gone. No one deserved to hear the news that a loved one was dead, but here they are. 

She spent the rest of the night remembering her brother and father. She also heard her friend leave her door around midnight, but she never heard them leave the house which meant they’d probably still be there in the morning. 

Clarke sighed before laying back into her bed. She was exhausted from the day she had, and it was easy for her to fall asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no! Clarke's reverting back to her old ways. Who will help her out of it this time?
> 
> Also, I'm not usually political on here, but I just wanted to say that Biden won the election in America! Personally, I'm happy about that, and I have my reasons for being happy. If people have a problem with that or me, just don't read my stories :) It's that simple. For all my gaybies, stay safe until Biden is officially in office. Have a great day!
> 
> Don't forget to give feedback and ideas for the story!


	19. Home Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1 month later, Clarke is finally making progress after the loss of her brother and father. She also worries about her approaching 18th birthday, and she opens up to someone about it. She also makes a scary and shocking discovery that she's not sure what she should do about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say, you guys have NO CLUE how much research I did for this chapter alone and I still feel like it's incorrect ahahah. Still, hopefully you guys enjoy it :)
> 
> Edit: Part two to this chapter doesn't occur until the second part of this story, but I promise you, it's worth the wait XD

1 month later, and Clarke is finally making progress. She still hasn’t talked to anyone, but she is no longer afraid of doors. On that note, the bells at school no longer cause her to have panic attacks. However, she still refuses to go anywhere near a vehicle. 

She also hasn’t been spending time with anyone outside of her family. She refuses to let Octavia and Raven come over, and she no longer has those small chats with her history teacher during detention. Though, the teacher has pushed her to start looking into colleges during that time. At first, Clarke was looking into Juilliard because it had always been her dream college, but that’s on the East Coast. She no longer has any reason to return to the East Coast. In the end, she had decided to apply to schools in California, specifically UCLA.

Her mother has continuously tried to get her to talk to someone, even if it is not a family member. Hell, Abby just wants Clarke to let someone help her. She hates that her daughter has this “self-destruct” mode, but she knows she got it from her. 

Clarke has also decided that she needs to open up to someone. She has so much swirling around in her head that she just needs to scream it to someone. Still, she hasn’t spoken a word to anyone in 6 weeks, and she’s not sure if she’s even capable of speaking anymore.

Clarke also realized that her birthday is approaching. In fact, it’s next week, and it will be her 18th birthday when she is to swim into the sun as the Griffin tradition says. That thought alone was enough to trap her in her mind. She had always thought she’d do it with her dad, but he’s not here anymore. Not to mention, she still wasn’t able to get in a car, and there was no way she could walk to a beach. 

Forgetting previous thoughts, Clarke continued to get ready for her day. When it was time for everyone to get in the car, Clarke put her big girl pants on and put her hand on the handle of the door. However, once her hand touched the door, she jumped back as if it had burned her. She shook her head sadly but determined before trying to open the door again.

After about 5 more times trying that, she shook her head and started walking to school. On the bright side, with all this exercise, she was starting to build a lot more muscle and stamina. 

When she finally got to school, she opened the door sullenly and entered her math class which would be ending soon. Miss Forest was used to Clarke’s late entrances, so everyday she would mark Clarke was “here” even when she wasn’t there because she knew the girl was struggling. She’d simply give the girl the work she missed in the class, and she knew the blonde was good at getting her work done.

During class, Raven made no move to talk to Clarke. She wanted to, but she also knew the girl was putting her walls up with her again. The brunette had learned that when Clarke put her walls up, there was no breaking them down or climbing them. You simply had to wait for the girl to lower them herself, and Raven would wait for her to be ready because when that happened, she knew Clarke would need a friend.

When class finally ended, Clarke quietly walked to Miss Forest’s desk, grabbed her work, and smiled appreciatively at the teacher before walking to her next class. Raven quietly followed the girl, and Miss Forest felt bad for the brunette. She knew the girl only wanted to help her friend, and the teacher’s interest in her only grew, not that she’d admit that aloud. 

In gym they were playing soccer, and Clarke had to sit out the whole time as she was still on crutches and would be for another week or so. She was kind of sad that she couldn’t play soccer, but she understood she wouldn’t be much good anyway. 

The rest of Clarke’s classes in the morning went smoothly. She finished all her work on time and enjoyed the free time to day dream. Mostly, she had been thinking about her birthday. It was right around the corner, and she’d have to find out how to get to the beach. 

Truth is, she felt like she was drowning. That feeling where you’re alive but you’re not living. It was like everytime she got her shit together someone pushed her face under the surface of the water, and she was left trying to get air all while trying to fix her shit again.

That being said, she felt the beach and ocean might scare her a bit, but she also had a feeling that it would make her feel closer to her brother and father. They were the only ones in her immediate family that had made the journey, and she thought that maybe, if she did it too, she’d feel a bigger connection to them. 

When lunch finally rolled around, Clarke spent the whole time thinking. Was she really ready to go to the ocean? How would she get there? Was she ready to be considered an adult? What would she learn? Who would take her if she went? Would she just go to swim and leave? What beach would she go to? Well, that one she could answer. She knew she wanted to go to the beach her brother and father had swam at, Myrtle Beach. However, that would require flying a plane to the East Coast or driving in a car for three days. Neither were ideal, but she figured her brain might not fight her on it if it were for her brother and father. 

Soon enough, she was in her history class. The teacher gave her a sad smile before she returned to working on the assignments on her desk. Clarke got to her desk and listened to her teacher’s lecture. Truthfully, as strange as it sounded, she really liked this teacher’s voice. It had an authoritative sound, but it also sounded rather soothing.

Clarke had chosen psychology because she had always loved to learn about human behavior. She also found that the teacher taught it well, and as someone who knew the teacher to some degree, she could tell the teacher spoke a lot from experience which made the class that much more interesting. 

When the teacher finally stopped lecturing, the bell rang, telling everyone they could leave. Well, everyone except Clarke. As much as Clarke hated getting home three hours later -including her walk back- than most people, she really did enjoy her time with the teacher in after school detention. Well, her detention time actually ended a while ago, but the teacher had asked Clarke to continue staying after class to discuss colleges for Clarke. Usually, this was something you did with the counselor, but Lexa had convinced the counselor that Clarke would do better with someone she already knew.

A few minutes later, the teacher approached the blonde and offered her a smile. “So, I talked to a few friends at UCLA. I graduated from there, so I have connections,” the teacher waggled her eyebrows playfully, and Clarke couldn’t help but smile, “They said that even though you missed early admissions, they’ll accept a letter as long as it’s turned in before the end of March.”

Clarke’s smile grew about 4 sizes. Although she had never been a fan of school, she was excited to be pursuing music. It was something she had always wanted for herself, and her father and brother had always pushed her to follow her dreams. Somehow, she felt she was doing them justice.

Without thinking, Clarke wrapped her arms around the teacher’s neck and hugged her. The older brunette was stunned for a few moments before she awkwardly returned the hug and chuckled lightly, “What was that for?”

Clarke pulled the teacher a little closer, and she leaned into the woman’s ear. “Thank you,” the words barely left her lips, but the teacher heard it. Clarke had jumped back and smiled widely. She talked. She talked!

“Am I hearing things, or did you just thank me?” the teacher asked, needing to make sure she actually heard that right. Clarke nodded, and the teacher smiled so widely, Clarke thought she might’ve pulled a muscle in her face. “That’s amazing!” the teacher cheered and celebrated, causing Clarke to blush a little in embarrassment. She hadn’t expected it to be such a big deal.

“Okay, celebration over,” the teacher said while returning to the seat next to Clarke, “get to writing.” Clarke groaned, one of the few sounds she could make when she couldn’t speak, and the teacher chuckled. “Don’t worry. I think it’s almost ready.” Clarke smiled subtly at the teacher before returning to writing the letter.

In the back of her head, Clarke had realized that she kind of maybe possibly had a thing for the teacher. Something about the older woman made Clarke feel...safe. Was that the word? It was hard for the student to describe, but that’s how she felt. Suddenly, she felt like opening up to the teacher, telling her everything, but Clarke refrained. She still intended on protecting people from herself until she was at 100% again.

“It’s almost my birthday,” Clarke whispered aloud. She wasn’t sure why, but something in the back of her mind really wanted the teacher to know her birthday was approaching. Part of her also really wanted the teacher to know about the beach, but she wasn’t sure how much to tell the woman.

“I remember,” the teacher nodded, smiling because the girl had spoken to her, again. 

As a psychology teacher, Lexa knew a lot about human behavior as well as the human brain. Lexa had already guessed that Clarke developed selective mutism after forming a fear of cars, bells, doors, etc. She guessed that the anxiety caused Clarke to, for lack of better words, collapse in on herself. However, she also knew that meant that if the girl was talking to her, it meant the blonde trusted her, and for some reason, that made the woman’s heart soar.

“You do?” the girl sounded like she was on the brink of tears. She probably hadn’t expected the teacher to remember her birthday from their conversation, but Lexa had. Lexa nodded to the student, and she grinned brightly before faded into a sad smile. “There’s this tradition,” she admitted, still in a whisper, while playing with her fingers nervously.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Lexa assured her. She could see the girl was nervous and maybe uncomfortable, and she didn’t want to force the girl back into herself by accident. Progress had been made, and she didn’t want to ruin it. 

“I want to,” she whispered, seeming to prepare herself. Lexa nodded, and she got the urge to grab the girl’s hand for support but didn’t. “When someone turns 18, they have to swim, in the ocean, as far as they can into the sunset. It’s like… a right of passage,” Clarke explained.

“It sounds beautiful,” the teacher admitted. 

“It does,” Clarke muttered, “but I have no way to get to the beach.”

“Still can’t do cars?” the teacher asked sympathetically.

“I don’t know. I want to,” Clarke admitted, her eyes almost pleading, and the brunette’s heart broke for her. The girl looked so… sad. 

“What beach do you want to go to?” Lexa asked, changing the topic slightly.

“Myrtle Beach,” Clarke smiled nostalgically. The blonde had been there many times. In fact, it was the only beach her family had ever gone to, and the beach was filled with fond memories for the student.

“It’s pretty far though,” the teacher reminded her. 

“Mhm,” Clarke hummed sadly, still rather quiet, “It’s either a three day drive,” the girl shivered at the idea, “or a three hour flight.”

“Does it have to be Myrtle beach?” the teacher asked, trying to find out if there was another solution to the girl’s dilemma.

“It doesn’t have to be,” the girl whispered honestly,” but I want it to be.” The brunette nodded in understanding and decided not to pry any further. 

“Okay,” Clarke whispered after a while, “I’m done.” She handed the letter to the teacher who promptly read it. 

Lexa was blown away by the girl’s ability to write. She wrote a lot of her passion for her music and had even gone as far as to connect it to her recently lost father and brother by saying that they had always pushed her to follow her dreams. Clarke had said she had no intention of letting them down, and said she wanted to pursue music at their school as well as including a few reasons why she felt UCLA was the best choice for her. 

The only downside of the essay was that Clarke had barely any professional experience playing. For example, the only time she had played in public was at the school skiing trip’s bonfire. However, she knew her connections at UCLA had a soft spot for people who were driven. Not to mention, Luna, Anya, and Lexa herself had written recommendation letters for Clarke, Octavia, Raven, and a few other students for their respective colleges, so she had a feeling the girl had a good chance.

“This is perfect,” Lexa said. Clarke looked at her with eyes of disbelief, and Lexa almost laughed at how shocked the student looked. “If they don’t accept you, they’ll be missing out,” the teacher said honestly. Clarke stared at the teacher for a few moments, and Lexa stared back. Somehow, it seemed that the statement held more weight than she meant, but she allowed the girl to have her moment. 

“Thanks,” the student eventually whispered, “for everything.”

“Of course,” the teacher said while helping Clarke put her stuff back into her backpack because their time was almost up.

“Can I keep staying after class?” Clarke asked for a while.

Lexa was beyond confused, so she asked, “Why?” 

The girl shrugged before saying, “I like being here.” Really, the girl wanted to add “more than I like being at home” but she didn’t want to burden the teacher with all her weird feelings. 

“Then of course, you’re welcome to stay after class,” Lexa answered with a smile. She was a workaholic, afterall, and she always stayed after school anyway.

“Do you want a ride home?” the teacher asked tentatively. She knew the girl was still struggling with cars, but she also hoped that the more the girl tried, the easier it would be as long as she didn’t push herself too far. 

“I… haven’t been able to get in a car… since-” Clarke trailed off.

“I just figured the more you tried the more you’d get used to it,” the teacher explained.

“I don’t want to waste your time,” Clarke waved her off.

“Really, it’s no problem,” Lexa said.

“I can try… but I doubt it will work,” Clarke said.

“Not with that attitude it won’t,” Lexa laughed while leading the girl to her car. 

“So, how do I know this isn’t a ploy to murder me?” Clarke asked as they approached the teacher’s car.

“P-lease, if I wanted to kill you, I had so many other opportunities,” Lexa chuckled, thinking about the time she took the girl to her house after that party. 

“You’re not wrong,” Clarke nodded in agreement.

Lexa unlocked her car and stood next to her door without getting in. Clarke had stopped a few paces from the car. “Take your time, don’t worry,” Lexa assured the girl honestly. Clarke nodded and did indeed take her time. Everytime Clarke managed to get closer to the car, Lexa would do a quick little cheer for the girl which always made the blonde smile or laugh.

Soon enough, Clarke got her hand on the handle. She took a few calming breaths, and she managed to open the door. Lexa, again, cheered for the blonde while opening her door was well. Clarke hyperventilated a little, and Lexa was about to tell her to calm down before Clarke just fell into the front seat. She exhaled deeply before pulling her crutches in with her.

“Woohoo!” Lexa cheered which made Clarke blush a deep red. It truly was embarrassing, especially coming from a teacher she maybe kind of possibly had feelings for. 

“Just… drive  slow ,” Clarke said when the teacher started the car, and the student grabbed the handle in the car.

“I planned to,” the teacher assured her as she started driving. The whole drive Clarke had been monitoring her breathing, and she kept her eyes closed the whole time. She didn’t want to open her eyes and see that she really was in a car with her teacher on the road. 

“Here,” the teacher whispered. She had only been to the girl’s house a few times, but she had remembered when the girl’s mother had sent it to her. After the teacher followed Clarke and her sister home, Abby had realized how dark it was when the girl’s returned, so she sent the teacher their address, knowing that Lexa was always the last to see her daughter. 

“It’s a little off-putting that you know where I live,” Clarke laughed lightly, eyes slowly opening. 

“Maybe,” Lexa admitted in a shrug, a slight blush covering her cheeks. 

“Holy shit, I actually got in a car,” the girl exhaled deeply.

“Mhm,” the teacher hummed in a smile, genuinely happy for the girl.

“Thank you,” Clarke said to the teacher.

“For what?” Lexa asked, confused.

“For not giving up on me,” Clarke said as she got out of the car and made her way into her house on her crutches. Lexa promptly drove off with a smile adorning her face.

When Clarke entered her house, she walked up to Abby. She had decided that she would do her best to tell Abby about a new plan she had developed. Unfortunately, it would require the whole family going to Myrtle beach for Clarke’s birthday, but Clarke was open to the idea. 

For some reason, she still couldn’t bring herself to speak to her mother, so she decided to write it out on paper. That had become their way of communicating if they had a lot to say. 

After handing the note to Abby, the woman said, “Of course, sweety. I already have your birthday week off anyway. Are you sure you’re up for a flight?” Clarke nodded, though she was still hesitant. “If you change your mind, you let me know,” Abby said, nodding to show her daughter that she was serious, and Clarke nodded back. “Good,” she hugged her daughter. In the recent weeks, Abby and Clarke have actually grown quite close and were starting to form the relationship a mother should have with her daughter which made Clarke feel happier than words could explain. Still, she didn’t fully trust Abby not to turn her back on Clarke, and Abby seemed to know and understand that. 

Once their exchange was over, Clarke went to her room where she saw Madi sitting on her bed. “Goose!” she exclaimed, and Clarke’s heart cracked a little because all she could think of were all the times her brother had called her “Goose” and how she’d never hear him say it again. 

Clarke smiled at her sister and sat next to her on the bed. “Charlotte is out with new friends from school. She wanted me to tell you when you got here,” Madi said, and Clarke wrapped an arm around her sister and pulled her in for a hug. 

“What was that for?” Madi asked, giggling lightly at the show of affection.

Using all her willpower, Clarke whispered in her sister’s ear, “because you’re the strongest person I know.” 

Madi jumped back, gasped, and stared at Clarke in disbelief. “You can talk!” the young girl exclaimed while wrapping her arms around her sister’s neck.

“Shh!” Clarke chidded her, “not to everyone.”

The girl cocked her head to the side curiously, not understanding what her sister was saying. “It’s weird. There are some people I can talk to, and some I just can’t,” Clarke explained, and Madi seemed to accept the answer. “So, you can’t go around telling everyone I can talk again,” Clarke added, and Madi nodded in understanding. 

“Does this mean you can sing to me again?” Madi asked innocently.

“Maybe. I haven’t tried singing,” Clarke answered honestly. “We’ll test the theory tonight,” she told her sister, and the girl accepted the offer. 

Later that night, Clarke, Charlotte, and Madi all gathered on the bed to sleep. Clarke had found that she was able to talk to Charlotte, but she still couldn’t bring herself to talk to her mother which made her feel a little bad.

“Let’s see what you got, Goose,” Charlotte teased and Madi snorted at her older sister.

Clarke had decided on a song that she hoped would do them justice. She had choked up a few times before she finally managed to sing the song, “ _ Home. A place where I can go to take this off my shoulders. Someone take me home. Home, A place where I can go to take this off my shoulders. Someone take me home. _ ”

The song had done its job of putting her sisters to sleep, but Clarke felt that she was more awake than before. Now, she found herself thinking about her home because she was no longer sure where it was. 

Of course, home would be wherever her sisters and mother were. Right? Still, she couldn’t help but think that whenever she came here, she felt more weight on her shoulders than before. She felt an overwhelming pressure to do better and be better. Really, there wasn’t a place to go where she could get stuff off her shoulders.

Except…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Clarke's discovery O_O
> 
> ANYWAY, feedback is always appreciated blah, blah, blah. Love y'all for reading my works, and I hope you continue to do so!


	20. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Griffins visit Ocean City for the first time since the men in their family died. Clarke, Madi, and Charlotte have a beach day. The group celebrate Clarke's 18th birthday. Clarke completes the Griffin tradition and learns a valuable life lesson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello people! Here's another chapter! Also, for those who read my most recent chapter, I wrote Myrtle Beach (South Carolina)... Yeah, well, ya girl apparently doesn't know her geography because I meant Ocean City (Maryland). Like, c'mon Soap, they don't even sound similar AND they're not even in the same state. Anyway, I'll be fixing that now :)
> 
> Quickly, I just wanted to let people know that my family and I have been discussing me graduating early (not sure what they mean by that as I'm not even in high school. I assume they mean finishing the year early? Whatever). Anyway, if that happens, this story and my others might go dead for a while because I'll be dedicating 90% of my free time to school *insert eyeroll* however, my mom has like no faith in my ability to graduate early, so I doubt it will happen. I just wanted to give my readers a heads up. Until then, I'll keep updating as often as possible :)
> 
> Enjoy!

One week later, Clarke is clinging to her younger sister while she gets on a plane to Maryland for the first time since the crash. Truly, the girl was shaking so much she wondered how she managed to stand. “We can turn back, you know,” Charlotte told her, feeling bad for her poor sister who was holding onto her like she was the only thing keeping her up -which is completely possible.

Clarke shook her head fiercely. Even though she could speak to her sisters, she tried not to when around her mom. She also knew that she needed to go to Ocean City this week. She needed to do this, for her father, her brother, and herself. Not to mention, Clarke and her mother had an extra plan for the trip that they had hid from the other two girls. 

Once on the plane, Clarke kept a firm grip on her sister’s forearm during take off, but she managed to relax once in the air. She had fought her sister for the window seat, embarrassingly explaining that the sky calmed her. 

Staring at the cloudy sky, Clarke smiled for the first time in a while. Clarke wasn’t a religious person, but she liked to believe there was a great beyond where people went when they died. If that was true, this was the closest she’d ever be to her brother and father, and something about that brought her peace. 

When Clarke realized they were descending, she squeaked quietly before wrapping her arm around her sister’s arm again. The younger girl smiled at her, seemingly amused by Clarke’s reaction, and Clarke stuck her tongue out at the older girl. Honestly, she was glad her family had kept this kind of banter. Truthfully, it was one of the only things holding her together. 

When they finally got off the plane, Clarke practically sprinted into the airport, and she almost kissed the ground in her excitement. She didn’t know it was possible to miss solid ground so much. It was also nice that she was able to run again. Her leg had fully healed, and she had gotten her casts, on her leg and arm, removed the day before.

Her family chuckled at her before picking her up off the ground and gathering their luggage. Madi had, at some point, snuck up on Clarke and grabbed the oldest girl’s hand, not that Clarke minded. 

They rented a car for their time in the area, and it took Clarke a minute to get in the car. Once she was in it, she had to clamp her eyes shut, and her mother still had to drive pretty slow. Still, everyone was glad Clarke had actually managed to get in a car again. 

When they arrived at the small beach house they were staying at, the family immediately unpacked and went to sleep. It was fairly let, and they were all jetlagged.

Once everyone was awake and had eaten, they made their way onto the beach. All of them had a nostalgic look on their face, and Abby had pulled something out of her bag. Of course, Clarke knew what it was, but Madi and Charlotte were clueless.

Soon enough, Abby revealed Wells and Jake’s ashes, and the youngest girls allowed a few tears to fall down their face. “Clarke and I think,” her mother paused to choke back a sob, “that they would’ve liked to be sent off here.”

Charlotte and Clarke nodded while Madi looked a little lost. She didn’t have as good of a memory of all their times here as well as her father and brother’s love for the beach and ocean. 

Each took a turn throwing a small handful of ashes into the ocean while wading against the waves. “Despite his serious exterior, Wells really knew how to be there for people,” Charlotte sniffled while take a handful before grabbing one from her father’s urn and saying, “He was always clueless about raising children,” he chuckled, “but it was obvious he loved us more than the Earth itself. No offense, Mom.” Everyone laughed and stared intently at Madi whose turn it now was.

She grabbed a small handful of Wells’ ashes before turning to the ocean. “He was always so competitive about chess. I don’t know why that sticks out to me, but it does. Maybe I just find it funny,” she laughed through sniffles while tossing the handful into the ocean. She grabbed from her father’s urn, and something about the sight broke Clarke’s heart. “Although he didn’t really raise me, he always knew how to make me laugh, especially when I needed it,” she paused briefly before laughing, almost bitterly, “I kind of need it now.”

Clarke pulled her little sister into a hug, and the youngest blonde sobbed into her sister’s chest. Clarke never was good at making people laugh, especially not in situations like this, so she kept quiet. Shortly after, Charlotte joined the hug, and she said, in a deep, manly voice, mimicking their father, “Don’t cry, babygirl, tomorrow is a new day.” Both girl’s burst into fits of laughter, and Abby smiled fondly at her girls.

“Clarke?” She offered the ashes to her daughter. Clarke was unsure of if she’d be able to talk, but she wanted to be able to properly say goodbye to her father and brother. She took a handful and stared at it, as if that would bring them back. Like, if she could just transfer her life into their ashes, they’d be back.

“Ya know,” she choked out, and she heard her mother take a relieved breath through gritted teeth, “He never judged me. Never once. When I was with Atom, and he hated Atom,” she chuckled slightly, “he never judged me for my decisions. When I came home that day, covered in glass, he didn;t judge me. He cleaned me up and sent me on my way.”

Everyone nodded in agreement as Clarke tossed the ashes into the ocean. Something about it gave her peace of mind. It was almost poetic how she realized her father and brother would make it closer to the sunset than any Griffin ever could. However, it was still rather tragic that they’d never return for their journey. 

She grabbed a handful of her father’s ashes and gripped them rather tightly, as if she could just transfer her life into the ashes, again. “He always knew how to make you answer your own questions. That’s my favorite thing about him. He never answered questions for you. He merely helped you reach the answer on your own,” Clarke paused before laughing, “Could really use one of his question answers right now.”

The rest of the Griffin girl’s laughed a little before returning to their sad smiles as Clarke tossed the ashes into the Ocean. “In peace,” Clarke started shakily, “may you leave the shore,” shortly after, her mother and other sister’s joined her, “In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels. Until our final journey on the ground.” By the time they finished, all of them were sobbing rather hard, and Abby tossed the rest of the ashes into the ocean. 

Their family had made a tradition that when someone died, they would recite those words. Her father had read it in a poetry book, and everyone loved the concept. She felt it was only right to begin the tradition with him. 

Once they were done being sappy messes, they all spent some time on the beach. It was still March, so it was rather cold. Still, the weather was enjoyable enough that you could lay out on the sand without burning and without freezing.

Soon enough, it was late enough that the girls returned to their beach house. They ate a quick meal before falling back to sleep. Two days from today was Clarke’s birthday, and she was excited to swim, for once. She knew the water would be close, but her curiosity was killing her.

What would she learn? What would she gain from the experience? Would she gain anything? So many questions. 

Clarke woke the next morning in one of her better moods. She got up and decided that, for the first time since her brother and father’s death, she’d make her pancakes. Her family completely adored them, and she knew they’d have no problem with the menu. 

When she was almost done cooking, the rest of her family emerged from their rooms. They seemed surprised by Clarke’s menu choice, but none of them protested. They all gathered into the kitchen and placed a few pancakes on their plates, Clarke grabbing hers last.

They all sat down and exchanged pleasant talk, but Clarke remained silent. She still felt uneasy talking when her mother was around. Her mother seemed to understand though because the older woman never pushed her to talk, even now that she knows she can.

When everyone was done eating, her mother collected everyone’s plates and suggested, “Why don’t you girls go to the beach? It’s supposed to be a warm day.”

The girls nodded before going to their rooms to get changed. Clarke decided to wear a simple black bikini under some clothes. Once done changing, she went to the bathroom to brush her hair and teeth before returning to the kitchen to pack a cooler full of snacks and drinks.

“Ready!” Charlotte called, telling everyone that she was good to go.

“Me too!” Madi yelled.

Clarke grabbed the cooler and dragged it to the front door where Charlotte grabbed the other side to help her carry it. Madi carried the other small things like beach toys because she was most likely to use them.

Soon enough, they arrived at a rather vacant part of the beach. The older girls set up a few towels to lay on while Madi decided to mess around in the sand a bit. Clarke watched her little sister with a sense of nostalgia which seemed to be something she was feeling a lot lately.

*************

_ “Clarke! Clarke! Come look!” a 5 year old Madi yelled. _

_ “I’m coming, I’m coming,” Clarke huffed though she ran to the girl like her life depended on it.  _

_ “Look!” the young girl pointed to a well crafted sand castle with a moat.  _

_ “Wow! It’s gorgeous,” Clarke complimented her sister while messing up her hair a bit. _

_ “Will you make one with me?” she asked while giving Clarke those puppy-dog eyes that could get her to obey the girl’s every order. _

_ “Of course,” she smiled at the brunette while sitting on the ground next to her. _

_ The girls spent the next few hours building a sandcastle that could’ve belonged to the gods. Using Madi’s surprisingly good skills with beach tools and Clarke’s creative ability, the two made a decent sized, aesthetically pleasing castle..  _

_ “Charlotte!” Clarke called her other sister. _

_ “What?” she said grumpily. _

_ “Okay, Gremlin, be that way. I was going to invite you to our amazing castle, but nevermind,” Clarke teased. _

_ “Fine by me,” Charlotte said. Of course, her sister would choose now to act like a total asshole teenager.  _

_ “Come here,” Clarke said. To the normal person, she sounded rather friendly, but her family knew that was her “no bullshit” tone. _

_ “Ugh,” Charlotte shrugged while sitting next to them, “I was trying to tan.” _

_ “So was I, but I’m here aren’t I,” Clarke sassed. She wasn’t really upset about it; she actually enjoyed these simple things with her sisters. _

_ “Yeah, yeah,” Charlotte rolled her eyes while sitting next to Clarke. _

_ “You should help Madi make a moat,” she suggested, seeing the brunette looked a little upset by her sisters arguing.  _

_ “Fine,” she said.  _

_ “Good,” Clarke smiled while walking back to her towel. _

_ “Why do  _ _ you _ _ get to tan?” Charlotte sassed, thinking she was going to get somewhere. _

_ “Because I just spent an hour hunched over the sand, and now I’m uneven,” she said while poking her tongue out at her younger sister. Charlotte simply rolled her eyes, knowing she wouldn’t get anywhere like that. _

_ An hour or two later, Clarke was interrupted by bright blue/gray eyes. “Will you come to the water with me? I got sand in my no-no places,” she said while shifting uncomfortably on the ground.  _

_ Clarke laughed loudly at her sister’s words before nodding her head, grabbing the girl’s hand, and walking her to the beach. Clarke did her best to keep her sister far enough out of the water while she attempted to get the sand out of her swimsuit.  _

_ “Okay, all good,” Madi smiled at her oldest sister, “Can we go home and eat ice cream now?” _

_ “After we shower,” Clarke started to lead her sister back to where they were set up for the day, ready to shower after a long day at the beach. _

**************

“I’m glad we came here, just the three of us,” Charlotte admitted, pulling Clarke back from her thoughts.

“Me too,” Clarke admitted. 

“I think I know why you wanted to come here,” Charlotte whispered.

“Hmm, why?” Clarke hummed. She hadn’t told any of the family her true intentions behind going to the beach. Honestly, she hoped they had assumed it was because it was a place they frequented before everything fell apart which did contribute to the choice. 

“Tomorrow’s your 18th birthday,” she whispered knowingly. 

“He told you?” she asked. Her father had said he’d tell all the Griffin girls when they were ten, but he couldn’t remember a time when her father had taken Charlotte out. 

“Of course. He’s practically religious about the tradition,” she chuckled lightly. 

“I still love that he never told Mom,” Clarke laughed, enjoying the opportunity to talk to her sister.

“Well, she’s technically not a Griffin,” Charlotte pointed out. 

“I guess. It’s not like she could’ve done it to ‘prove herself’ or whatever at 18,” Clarke agreed.

“Who’s going to tell her?” Charlotte asked while subtly jutting her head out at Madi. 

“I will, I guess. Seeing as I’ll be the only living Griffin who’s done it,” Clarke shrugged. 

“Makes sense,” Charlotte nodded.

“It should’ve been Dad,” she paused sadly, continuing when she saw her sister’s confused face, “to tell her.”

Charlotte made a sound of agreement while nodding her head. “Can I ask… about the crash?” she asked hesitantly a few moments later. 

Clarke squeezed her eyes shut, trying to forget the day completely. “You can ask, but I might not answer,” Clarke answered, and Charlotte nodded in understanding.

“They said you were awake after… Were they… were they already dead?” Charlotte asked tentatively. 

“Dad was,” she whispered a few long minutes later, trying to find the strength to answer. Her sister’s deserved answers just as much as she did, and she had the answers while they didn’t.

“Wells?” she whispered, breath a little shaky.

“He was alive, but I didn’t think he’d make it either,” Clarke clamped her eyes shut, trying to pretend that none of this was real. She’d go back to the beach house and her dad would be standing in the doorway with aloe vera -like always- because the girls would always forget sunscreen. Pretending that Wells would scold them about forgetting the aloe while helping them apply it in his usual, grumpy tone while her father laughed, but she knew that wasn’t real. The dead are gone. 

“I’m sorry,” Charlotte whispered while pulling her sister into a hug. She sounded sniffly, but she knew her sister didn’t cry in public. No matter the situation, she simply didn’t. 

“Why?” Clarke asked, face contorted in confusion.

“You saw it. You heard it. You were there,” she whispered.

“Don’t remind me,” she whispered guiltily. 

Charlotte pushed herself from her sister like she had been burnt, but she kept her hands on the older blonde’s shoulders. “You feel guilty?” she whispered in disbelief.

“Who wouldn’t. I’m the  only one who lived,” Clarke whispered in an angry tone. 

“Look, I’m sorry I frustrated you, but I’m the tough love sister. So, here it is. Don’t be so hard on yourself. They’re gone. They’re not coming back,” she sniffled a little, “I’d bet my bottom dollar there’s a reason. I’d like to think there’s a reason for everything. I have to. Point is, stop throwing your damn pity party and accept it. They’re gone, they’re not coming back, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.”

“I forced them to take me to D.C.,” Clarke whispered.

“They’d been wanting to go to D.C. since the morning you got there. You didn’t force them. They wanted it just as much as you,” Charlotte said with her stern “I’m right. You’re wrong” tone. 

“Even if it’s not my fault and I didn’t force them,” Clarke said while shooting a pointed look at her sister, “I can’t help but feel that way.”

“Well don’t,” she said sternly with an undertone of sarcasm, and Clarke almost laughed at how silly the statement sounded. How can you simply not feel something? If there was a way to not feel, Clarke surely would’ve put it in action by now

“I’ll try,” she said sarcastically, and the two girls laughed it out together. 

“Why don’t we go home?” Clarke proposed a few hours later, and her brain instantly went to the revelation she had a week ago. It had been running around her head, but she chose to ignore it. Again, she made the same decision now. 

“I’m ready,” Charlotte said, sounding like she had been waiting for an out. Madi pouted, but she reluctantly agreed as well. 

When they returned to the house, they showered, took a power nap, and spent some time chatting with their mom. Well, Charlotte and Madi chatted while Clarke nodded her head along. She still didn’t know why she couldn’t talk to her mom, but she didn’t put much thought into it. Of course, she wanted to talk to her mother, but it’s not like they really talked before anyway.

Soon enough, they all turned in for the night, and Clarke followed her usual routine of making sure her younger sisters got to sleep. After a while, she found herself slipping into the clutches of sleep as well.

\------------

The next morning, Clarke woke to the smell of cinnamon rolls. The family only ate cinnamon rolls on someone’s birthday. Clarke snapped up and sleepily made her way into the kitchen to find her mom was playfully messing with Madi while the cinnamon rolls cooked in the oven.

Something about the sight made Clarke pause and lean lazily in the doorway. Seeming her mother actually try to bond with her little sister both stung and brought a smile to her face. On one hand, it was nice to see her trying, but on the other, she wished her mother could’ve done it for her. Not even for her, truthfully, that she had done it for all of them from day one. 

Her mother made eye contact with her before she sauntered towards her. When she got close she greeted her and wished her a happy birthday with a short kiss on the cheek. 

The whole interaction brought a smile to her face. This is all she’d ever wanted as a kid. She wanted her mother to wake her up with food, to greet her, to kiss her, to tell her how important she was. Granted, Clarke had other people do that for her, but it could never compete with a mother’s love. 

Clarke sat at the table in the kitchen and that was when Madi finally noticed her. “Happy birthday, Clarke!” she exclaimed while jumping into the older girl’s lap. She ruffled the girl’s hair before kissing the girl’s head as a thank you.

“Cinnamon rolls should be done. Could you wake your sister?” she asked the youngest girl.

“Last time I did that she hit me,” Madi pouted while rubbing her face nostalgically.

“Charlotte hit you?” Abby exclaimed in shock.

“I just scared her,” Madi quickly backtracked to better explain. “Whenever you wake her up, she wakes up and as a reaction, throws her fists and elbows in the air.”

“Ah,” she sighed in understanding, “Still, someone needs to wake her.” Clarke put her hand up to say she’d do it, and her mother nodded.

Clarke shook her sister aggressively before rolling out of the way to avoid being hit. “No, tired,” a sleepy Charlotte threw her arms around.

“Birthday cinnamon rolls,” Clarke whispered close to the girl’s ear, and she jumped out of the bed as if she’d been wide awake the whole time. 

“I’ve been waiting for these for two months,” she huffed, still upset about what had ruined her birthday. Of course, she was more upset about losing her family members. Clarke knew that. The blonde also knew that complaining about her ruined birthday was Charlotte’s way of coping. It was easier to pretend her birthday had simply been forgotten.

Clarke returned to the kitchen with Charlotte in tow who rubbed her eyes at the sight of her mother in the kitchen. “What a surprise, Mom in a kitchen,” Charlotte teased as she flashed her mother a smile that said that despite the truth behind the words, she wasn’t really upset about it.

“Yeah, well, someone had to cook since it’s Clarke’s birthday,” Abby smiled at her oldest daughter before turning around to check the timer on the oven, “10 minutes.”

Clarke smiled happily at her mother. She was surprised her mom was aware of all the unspoken rules in the family despite her lack of presence in it. For example, she knew to make cinnamon rolls, she knew the birthday person wasn’t allowed to work too hard -cooking included-, things like that. 

When the timer finally beeped, Abby scrambled across the kitchen to pull them out of the oven, almost forgetting to put oven mitts on first. She took the pan out and placed it on the stove. She covered them in icing and said, “They need 2 minutes too cool and then we should be good.”

Everyone nodded and shared pleasant conversation until Abby announced that they could now. They all grabbed their plates and returned to their table to eat. In fact, everyone was so excited to eat that they didn’t even talk during their meal. 

When everyone was done eating, they -per tradition- shared embarrassing stories about Clarke’s childhood. Well, Abby -surprisingly- shared stories about Clarke as a young child well Charlotte reminisced about Clarke as a child, and Madi reminded Clarke of some of the more embarrassing stuff she’s done recently. Honestly, it was a quite a good balance because they covered all topics of Clarke’s life, and although embarrassed, Clarke enjoyed it. 

By the time they were done talking, it was time for dinner. For lunch, they had decided on simple sandwiches they ate while talking, but everyone agreed to have a fuller meal for dinner. “Pizza?” Abby suggested, and all the girls nodded their agreement.

Definitely a fuller meal.

While eating, they made jokes, reminisced, and shared memories from the beach. All-in-all, the day was great, but Clarke still felt anxious. Tonight was the night she had to swim into the ocean, alone. She was excited to finally have answers to questions she’s had for years, but she was also really nervous.

What if she couldn’t swim far enough? What if the information wasn’t helpful? What if the information was wrong? What if she swam far enough but couldn’t swim back? What if. What if. What if. 

When she finally saw the sun setting, she turned to her mom and pointed to the beach, telling her that she was going. Earlier, she had changed into a swimsuit under her clothes so she could be ready at a moment's notice. Now, all she needed was her mother’s approval.

“I guess you can go, but be careful,” she told the blonde, and she flew out the door. “Don’t stay out too late!” she called after her, but it fell on deaf ears. 

The second Clarke reached the beach, she took a moment to breath in the salty air. She stared into the sunset and watched as gentle waves crashed against the shore. Somehow, it seemed to take her anxiety away, so she decided to sit at the edge of the water. 

A while later, she began swimming into the ocean. She had always deemed herself a strong swimmer due to her many vacations to the beach, but it took a lot to get past the waves despite how calm they are at night. 

A good bit in, she stopped and floated for a moment to catch her breath. “Damn. No one told me it was this hard,” she breathed to no one in particular, still trying to catch her breath.

Once she gained the stamina, she swam as far as she could without stopping. I hindsight, it wasn’t that far, but it felt like she had swam for ages. She paused and treaded water, trying to listen for anything. The sun was just setting, and it looked beautiful as ever. 

Being bobbed up and down by the waves in the warm but fading presence of the sun was bitter sweet. Clarke had always thought of the sunset as the end of a day and the signal that a new one would dawn soon. A chance to start over, but that whole “tomorrow is a new day” mambo jumbo is bullshit. Yes, tomorrow is a new day; a new chance to be better. Still, the shit from yesterday and every other day is still there to follow you like a dark gray cloud. 

Next thing Clarke knew, there was a rather strong gust of wind, and she felt it tickle her ear. From out of nowhere, the words came to her. Clearly, as if someone had spoken to her, but hushed as if the person whispering didn’t want anyone else to hear. 

“Breathe. Then, do what scares you.”

She exhaled deeply, allowing the words to wash over her like the waves. She stared into the fading sun, and she couldn’t help but feel like it was a message. It almost seemed like the type of advice her father gave her, and that made it worth following. Even though she knew it wasn’t his advice, it was nice to pretend. 

“Thank you,” she whispered into the wind before turning around to swim back to shore. 

The swim back was a lot easier as she was able to ride the gentle waves, and once she landed in the sand, she flopped down like a starfish. She took a moment to breathe, just like she had been told before sitting up. 

Now, she allowed the other words to set in. The advice in and of itself was scary. Doing what scares you? It’s simply not something that Clarke does. Then again, maybe that’s why someone had to tell her to do it. 

Was she just supposed to throw caution to the wind and do it? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okie dokie, with the way I have this story planned out, I've decided that it might be easier to make it into a series. Well, maybe not easier, but it might make more sense. I'm not giving out spoilers, but you all will understand. However, have no fear! This part of the series won't be ending for a while :)
> 
> I believe last chapter I said something about making Luna, Anya, and Raven a poly couple, and I'd love to have the representation, but I truly feel like Luna gives that "I'm a woman of many women" vibe, so I can't really see her character as the settling down type, even if it was with two women. Not to mention, Anya and Luna have been friends since childhood and dated in high school before breaking up which suggests they might be better as just friends. Anyway, I'm still thinking on it; I just wanted to get other people's opinions. If the people want Luna/Anya/Raven you'll get it!
> 
> I feel like this chapter is a little confusing, so if you have questions, don't hesitate to ask! (P.S. Thank you to whoever suggested spreading Wells' and Jake's ashes! I can't remember who said it. Sorry! I literally have the memory of a drowned sewer rat)
> 
> Don't forget the beloved feedback!


	21. Mistakes and Doubletakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke goes back to school and starts facing her fears. Shit hits the fan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I'm sorry it's been a WEEK since I posted! It's honestly so unlike me to go that long without updating, but school has been hell. I literally spent three hours studying last night (I NEVER study), and I have a test tomorrow that I still need to study for. Anyway, I've been writing this chapter periodically through my classes in homeroom time or just when I have extra time, so I'm sorry if certain things don't add up. Enjoy :)

Clarke was finally back in Arkadia, and she was going back to school today. After much debate, she decided to invite Octavia and Raven over and ask them for a ride to allow them time to catch up. The thought of opening up again scared Clarke, but that’s why she had to do it. 

**Lady Griff:**

_ Do you guys want to come over? I need a ride anyway _

**Octagon:**

_ On our way! _

Sure enough, there was a knock at her door a few minutes later, and it was Octavia and Raven. The second the door opened, they pulled her into a bone crushing hug, and Clarke couldn’t resist the urge to melt into their embrace. “I missed you guys,” Clarke muttered.

“Don’t think you’re off the hook,” Raven said while pushing on Clarke’s shoulders, pulling out of the hug, “I’m still pissed that you didn’t talk to us for almost 2 months.” Octavia nodded her head in agreement, and Clarke felt incredibly guilty. She had shut out her friends when she needed them most. She deserved their anger. 

A few seconds later Charlotte and Madi ran down the stairs, and Octavia ran to Madi while Raven ran to Charlotte. They both pulled her sisters into a hug, and her sisters hugged back. “Finally, Clarke got over herself,” Charlotte sassed while smiling at her sister, letting her know that she wasn’t actually upset with her. 

“Yeah,” Clarke agreed while rubbing the back of her neck with her hand. 

“It’s alright, Clarkie,” Octavia said with a sincere smile, “We were just worried.”

“Yeah, we thought they might’ve died,” Raven said hesitantly, not sure how deep of a wound it was for the family. 

“Nope, I’m still here,” Charlotte quipped while Madi nodded. 

“So that means,” Octavia trailed off, answering her own question. “Oh,” she cooed while pulling Clarke into a hug. 

Clarke nodded sadly before pulling away. “Alright, to school!” she exclaimed, effectively changing the subject, and her friends allowed her to. 

Once in the car, Octavia and Raven started driving before Clarke yelled, “Wait!” They both turned to look at her, and she added, “I left something at home.”

When they were back at Clarke’s house, she ran to her room and went to her bedside table. She opened the drawer to reveal the note her mother had given to her on Christmas. She finally felt she’d be able to do it now. It was one of the things that scared her, and she was genuinely curious about what her mom had said. 

She then ran back to her friend’s car, and they drove to the school. Clarke was still weary of cars, and she grabbed the handle on the ceiling like a lifeline. Still, at least she could actually be in a car now.

They soon arrived at the school where Raven and Clarke said goodbye to Octavia and went to their first period. This would be the first time she was on time to math class since before her trip to D.C. Raven and Clarke sat together at their chairs, and she swears she saw Miss Forest smile at them knowingly, happily. 

Their first period went rather fast, and soon enough, her and Raven were going their separate ways for 2nd period. She waved to Miss Rivers, and she saw the woman smile at her, much like Miss Forest did, before returning to whatever she was doing. Today they were supposed to walk around and converse; it was a chill day.

Clarke never bothered making friends in that class, so she ended up walking alone. She didn’t really mind; she just hated that it gave her mind the freedom to make her overthink. 

In fact, she overthought so much that she was only pulled from her reverie by the school bell, dismissing her to 3rd period. She had been thinking a lot about her mother’s letter and what else she had to do now that she was doing things that scare her. 

The rest of her classes to lunch were boring, but she managed to get a lot of work done. She then met her friends in the cafeteria. They talked a lot about recent events that Clarke had missed. For example, Lincoln returned with Bellamy, and he actually asked Octavia out. She said Bellamy doesn’t know, but they plan on telling him together next time they visit.

Clarke was over the moon for Octavia, and she tried her best to express that. She hadn’t had a serious crush on someone since Atom, and for good reasons too. Clarke might’ve had an irrational fear that any relationship she got into would end like her first one, and she didn’t want to go through with that again. She wasn’t sure she could to be honest. 

After lunch Clarke went to the rest of her classes and did her best to catch up. She wasn’t as far behind in these classes, so she only had a little homework to do. 

Soon, she was walking to her last class of the day, psychology. She learned she had a certain affinity for the subject, and she actually enjoyed the class altogether. Still, she spent most of the class drawing after she finished her work. She had expected Miss Woods to call her out on it, but Clarke figured she might know Clarke only draws once she’s finished the assignment.

Somehow, Clarke ended up drawing a portrait of Miss Woods. It was a little embarrassing, but Clarke was able to admit that she might have a slight infatuation with the teacher. That’s normal,right? I mean, everyone gets infatuated with at least one teacher in their lifetime… right?

It was also a little embarrassing how fast she slammed her notebook shut when the bell for the end of the day rang. She put her notebook away and took out her notebooks for the school work she had to make up. Miss Woods glanced in her direction, probably checking if she was staying after or not, before returning to grading papers like she had been before. 

When Clarke was done with her homework, she pulled out the letter from her mom and stared at it. From the outside, it would look like Clarke was trying to burn a hole through it with her eyes. She eventually lifted it up and tried opening it, but her hands were shaking.

Clarke couldn’t get over the fear that it was going to be something bad. Her whole life everything good turned bad, and she felt deep in her bones that this would be a letter explaining that her mother wanted nothing to do with her. That was enough for Clarke’s body to shake in fear and anticipation, stopping her from opening it.

“Miss Woods?” Clarke asked, somewhat quiet but loud enough for the teacher to hear. 

“Hmm?” she hummed.

“Can you help me?” she held up the letter in her shaky hand, so the teacher could see what she was talking about. 

The teacher nodded and sauntered to Clarke’s desk where she grabbed the letter. She read Clarke’s name off the front of it and realized that it wasn’t writing that Lexa recognized. “Who’s it from?” Lexa asked, “you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“My mom,” Clarke said, a little bit of bitterness in her voice, but mostly curiosity, 

Lexa was even more eager to open the letter now. She remembered Clarke telling her of a letter, but she had assumed the girl opened it already. If she hadn’t, Lexa surely didn’t think she’d be opening it now. 

When it was open, Lexa handed it to Clarke and stepped away, giving the girl her privacy. “Wait,” she said, and Lexa turned to her, “Stay please.” Lexa did as she was asked and sat in the chair nearest to Clarke. She did her best not to read over the girl’s shoulder, but she occasionally caught a glimpse of it.

Clarke, meanwhile, was struggling to bring herself to read the words. She had considered asking the teacher to read it, but she knew it would be better if she read it. Plus, if it was a negative letter, Clarke didn’t want her brain to think that’s what the brunette thought of her as well.

“ _ My dearest Clarke, _

_ You’ve only been in this world for a few hours, and I already know you’re going to grow into an amazing woman… or man I guess. It’s too early to tell what you want or need to be, but I know I’ll always love you, no matter your choices. You have so much purpose and time to fulfill that I have nothing but high hopes for you. Please, don’t feel pressured though. Sure, you could be a doctor, but if you want to live the life of a local artist or work at a grocery store, I’ll respect that.  _

_ Wells already loves you. He’s still young, but he keeps looking at you like you hung the stars and the moon just for him. He keeps trying to grab you from me to hold you, but obviously I haven’t let him. It’d be hard to live your life if your brother killed you the day you were born. He always has been a klutz. I wonder if he still is when you read this. _

_ The point of this letter is to tell you I’ll always love you. I’m going to be getting more hours at the hospital to pay for anything and everything you both could ever need, and I know I won’t be around as much as I’d like to be. I just want you to know that even when we fight or don’t talk for days, I love and respect you all the same. _

_ Much love, _

_ Your Mom.” _

By the end of the letter, Clarke was half sobbing half laughing, and Lexa didn’t know what to do. Her instincts told her to just hug the girl, and eventually she gave into it. She pulled the girl into a tight embrace and squeezed a little to show her support. The blonde only cried harder, and Lexa found herself slightly rocking the girl to calm her down.

When Clarke was calmer, she pulled away and looked into the teacher’s eyes. All she could think was “Do what scares you” and she knew she was terrified to do what she really wanted to do. Still, she did it anyway. She cupped the teacher’s cheeks and leaned in slightly. She paused inches away from her lips, trying to see if this was something the teacher felt too, and her thoughts were confirmed when the teacher closed the gap. 

The kiss was electrifying, and Clarke couldn’t recall a time she had ever been kissed like that. It was slow, but it held so many unspoken words that Clarke couldn’t even comprehend them all.

Still, the best part of it was when the brunette tilted her head for a different angle, and their noses brushed together. Had they not been kissing, Clarke is sure she would’ve chuckled. 

Sadly, their magical kiss was interrupted by the sound of a door opening, and Clarke and Lexa flew off of each other so fast it practically gave them whiplash. Unfortunately, the person at the door had seen the kiss, and Clarke felt awful. She had initiated it, and she put the teacher in a bad position.

Fortunately, or unfortunately -Clarke wasn’t sure yet-, the person at the door had been Miss Forest. All three girls stared wide-eyed at each other before Miss Forest walked up to Lexa, grabbed her arm rather aggressively, and dragged her off. 

“Wait! It wasn’t her fault,” Clarke yelled, scrambling to grab her stuff and hurried to catch up with them, “I initiated it!”

“It takes two people to kiss,” Anya hissed back, and Clarke felt even worse now. She looked at the brunette teacher apologetically, only to find the woman staring right back at her… longingly? The sight through Clarke for a loop, and she ran to try and save the teacher again.

“I was excited and it just… happened! I’m sorry okay. Don’t be made at her,” she said, instinctively grabbing Miss Forest’s arm. When she realized what she’d done, she immediately pulled her hand off of the teacher, especially after seeing the look in the older woman’s eyes.

“You’re lucky it was me and not someone else. I’m not telling the school,” Clarke swears she felt the weight of the world lifted off her shoulders, and she saw that Lexa had a similar expression on her face, “I’m just gonna give this one a friendly talking to.” She pulled Lexa’s arm harder, and Clarke let them go this time. Clarke mouthed “I’m sorry” to Lexa who simply shook her head and shrugged.

Sullen and falling from her high, Clarke texted Octavia and asked her to pick her up from school. 

\----------------------------------

Anya had dragged Lexa into a teacher’s lounge and threw her into a chair, “Are you out of your goddamn mind?” she exclaimed. Anya didn’t understand how the ethical brunette girl she’d known all her life would throw everything away for a girl, especially after she assured her that she wouldn’t.

“I just- she just- it was so fast- I-” Lexa stuttered, still a little high from the kiss. 

“So you would’ve pushed her off if I hadn’t come in?” Anya asked, already knowing the answer.

“I-” Lexa stumbled over her words, “No.”

“Exactly! So I ask again,” she paused, taking a deep breath, “ Are you out of your goddamn mind?” Not letting Lexa speak, she continued, now yelling, “What happened to ‘I’ll never do anything to put my career in jeopardy’?”

“I just… I didn’t think-” Lexa began again.

“Exactly!” Anya exclaimed in exasperation, “You didn’t think.”

Lexa simply nodded, knowing her friend was absolutely right, and she had definitely been in the wrong. Still, it felt so damn good. How was it that something so wrong could feel so irrefutably right?

“Now, how was it?” Anya did a complete 180, and Lexa felt like she got whiplash for the second time that day.

“W-what?” she sputtered.

“You heard me, tell me all the details. I am your best friend after all,” she sat down, crossing her legs and gave Lexa her full attention. 

“Well- I-” Lexa stumbled, not sure how she was supposed to describe a kiss with a student to a fellow teacher. 

“I’m your friend now, Lexa. Not Miss Forest,” Anya assured her, practically reading the girl’s thoughts.

“Otherworldly,” she muttered.

“Damn,” Anya muttered, “that good?”

Lexa nodded and looked into space dreamily, “It was different. I’ve never had a kiss like that before.”

“Must be the new generation,” Anya laughed, and Lexa couldn’t help but laugh along even though it did remind her that Clarke was 6 years younger than her. Surely they should be interested in people their own age. “Not even Costia?” Anya asked after a while.

“Not even Costia,” Lexa shook her head, feeling a pang of guilt in her chest like she always did when Costia was mentioned. 

“Well fuck,” Anya muttered, “You’re in deep.”

Lexa sighed, rubbing at her temples, forehead, and eyes, “Yeah Anya, no shit.”

\-------------------------

When Octavia finally made it to the school, Clarke got in the car and was immediately silent. “Oh no, please tell me we’re not back to ignoring people,” Octavia half joked half pleaded. 

“I’m just thinking,” Clarke assured her.

“That’s just as bad,” Octavia groaned, “Spill.”

“No,” Clarke said firmly.

“C’mon. I’m your best friend,” Octavia began, “and I’m driving you home from school. 

“I- err… I kissed Miss Woods,” Clarke said with her head hung low, embarrassed and maybe a little ashamed.

“And?” Octavia squealed excitedly.

“And nothing. Miss Forest saw it and now Miss Woods is getting her ear chewed off because of me,” Clarke explained.

“Damn. Is she going to tell the school?” Octavia asked, “Couldn’t she lose her job for that?”

“Not helping,” Clarke clenched her teeth, trying not to feel too guilty because she knew she would shut down.

“Sorry,” Octavia apologized.

“Miss Forest said she wouldn’t tell the school, probably because their friends, and she doesn’t want her friend to lose her job,” Clarke explained, “Not to mention she knows I initiated it.”

“That’s good,” Octavia nodded, “at least you owned up to it.”

“Yeah, I guess, but she’s going to hate me,” Clarke groaned.

“If she kissed you, I don’t think she hates you,” Octavia chuckled.

“She’ll hate me because I kissed her and got her in trouble. She didn’t kiss me back,” Clarke lied. She didn’t want Octavia to think that Lexa had at all been at fault for what happened because she knew if the wrong person heard them discussing it it could end the teacher’s career. Plus, it’s not like something like that would happen again. They’d probably avoid each other like the plague now. 

Soon enough they arrived at Octavia’s house. Octavia had asked if she wanted to hang out with her and Raven, and she agreed. When they entered the house, Raven was napping on the couch. Octavia and Clarke shared a look and a smirk before jumping on the sleeping brunette, causing her to wake up with a jolt. 

“C’mon! I was having a nice dream,” she pouted.

“Too bad,” Clarke smirked, “I want to do something fun. Are there any parties today?” Clarke asked

“N-” Octavia started.

“I heard someone talking about a party at their place tonight, but it’s going to be pretty simple. Nothing crazy,” Raven explained. 

“Perfect,” Clarke smiled.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Octavia asked.

“It’s okay to let loose and have fun sometimes,” Clarke shrugged, and Octavia reluctantly agreed.

After the girls were dressed and in the car, Clarke kept thinking about Lexa, and she really did need this party to get her mind off of it. Even when they arrived at the party, Clarke still thought of the teacher. She took a few drinks, and still, all she could think about was the teacher.

Lexa. Lexa. Lexa.

Eventually, Clarke cut herself off and stepped onto the back deck with a water bottle. It was obvious that alcohol wasn’t going to get her mind off the teacher, so she may as well allow herself to think about it. 

She leaned against the railing and exhaled a deep breath while bringing her water to her lips in a last ditch attempt to clear her head, and as expected, it didn’t work. “It’s nice out here, isn’t it?” a voice sounded from behind her, and she jumped at the sound. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you,” the apologized with a chuckle. 

“It’s nice I guess,” she smiled politely at the guy, taking another sip from her water. 

“What’s on your mind?” he asked.

“Nothing I’m willing to share with a stranger,” she answered honestly, and the guy nodded in understanding.

“Well, I’m Roan, and this is my house,” he said, smirking, “We’re not strangers anymore.”

“I’m still a stranger to you,” Clarke pointed out.

“I guess. Care to change that?” he asked.

“I’m Clarke,” she said simply, and the guy nodded. 

“So,” he prompted.

“Still not sharing,” she said firmly. “Sorry,” she apologized, “It’s just one of those things.”

“I get ya,” he tipped his drink in her direction before taking a sip. “I gotta go back in,” he announced, “I hope you still had fun.”

“I did,” Clarke smiled, and he walked away.

Clarke walked back into the house in search of her friends. She was ready to go, and she hoped they were too. It actually didn’t take her long to find them, and lucky for her, they wanted to go as well.

The ride to Clarke’s was pretty quiet, and Clarke liked it. It gave her time to truly process all that happened today. She learned that her mother really did love and support her from the beginning, she kissed her teacher, she partied for the first time in a while, and… she kissed her teacher… Holy fuck she  kissed her  teacher . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke kissed Lexa?! Some people might not like that they kissed during such an emotion and sensitive time, but I will address that in later chapters and explain my reasoning/thought process through the thoughts/dialogue of the characters.
> 
> P.S. I started writing a new story where Lexa and Clarke are actresses on the same show, and I might be posting it on Wattpad (I really like making the covers XD). If you want to look for it in the future, I'll be calling it "Reaching for the Stars." My name is the same on Wattpad as it is on here :)
> 
> Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my story, and as always, feedback is much appreciated :)


	22. Spiraling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke returns to school after the kiss. Tensions are high and desire is torturously lingering in the shadows. Clarke gets important news. Lexa and Clarke struggle with their perception of the kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so everyone's aware, there's only one chapter left before I start part two! I have great plans for it, and I'm a little over excited to start it. Next chapter will be graduation (A two month jump O_O). Other than that, no more spoilers!" Hope you all enjoy this chapter, and keep your eyes peeled for the last update of this part!

Clarke woke the next morning in her bed, and she was instantly hit by the reality that she’d have to return to school today and face what she dreaded the most. The trio of teachers who definitely hated her guts. She already felt like shit, and she didn’t need the other teacher’s making her feel even worse about it. 

Clarke regretted what she did. She enjoyed the kiss, but she hadn’t thought about the consequences. She could’ve ruined the teacher’s career, and if she really cared for the woman, she would’ve thought it through more thoroughly. Not only did she regret what she did, but she was ashamed. She couldn’t even imagine how the teacher feels.

Worse than that, they’ll have to talk about it. 

Lucky for Clarke, she only had a few months of school left. It was mid March and she graduated in mid May. Then, she’d be off to whatever college, preferably UCLA, and she'd never have to see the teacher again. Oddly, that thought didn’t seem to ease her. If anything, it made her more worked up. 

Rather than dwelling on that, she ran into her sister’s rooms and woke them to get ready for school. The girls went their separate ways to get ready while Clarke began making breakfast for the group and her mother in case she woke up. 

Suddenly, Clarke remembered the letter her mother wrote her, and she found herself holding back tears recounting what it had said. Her mother had always loved her ever since the day she was born, and she was only absent to give her kids the best they could have. 

As if she had heard her inner thoughts, Clarke’s mom walked into the kitchen in a robe. She walked right to the kitchen, used to Clarke ignoring her. Instead, Clarke practically threw herself into her mother’s arms and whispered, “I love you.” She heard her mother gasp while pulling Clarke into her fiercely. “I read the letter,” Clarke felt a tear roll down her cheek, “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

“It’s been a rough year for us,” she said while stroking her daughter’s hair, and Clarke melted into the touch, “For you especially.”

Clarke pulled away from her mother’s touch as she resumed cooking. Her mother simply drifted through the kitchen as if nothing happened, but she knew her mother was ecstatic. After 2 months, Clarke finally spoke directly to her mother, and said the words “I love you”, something Clarke basically never said to her mother. 

Abby approached the mail on the counter from the previous day, and she gasped when she saw a letter from UCLA. “Clarke,” she said, “you’ve got mail.” She smiled at her daughter as she handed the envelope to her. 

“Holy shit,” she whispered as she began shaking. She slid her finger under the flap and lifted it, giving her access to the letter inside. She carefully pulled it out and began shaking even more. She opened the letter and began reading it outloud, “Congratulations! On behalf of the University of California, Los Angeles, I am pleased to announce your admission for Fall 2020.” She paused for a moment, letting it all sink in. “I got in!” she yelled. Her mother pulled her into a big huge, and kissed her head.

“I knew you had it in you,” her mother smiled.

When Clarke finished cooking, she called to her sisters upstairs, and they both sprinted down the steps. They raced to the seats at the diner table, and Clarke couldn’t stifle her laughter. She handed them plates of french toast and said, “here you go little pigs.” Charlotte gave her an annoyed look while digging into her meal. Madi followed suit, and Clarke brought herself a plate before sitting down at the table as well. 

For the first time in months, the family had a chat in which everyone talked with each other. Clarke told her sisters about her acceptance letter. Madi was the most upset because she knew that meant she wouldn’t see Clarke for a while, but Clarke assured her that they’d talk as often as possible. Charlotte was happy for her sister as well, but she admitted that she would miss “her Mother Goose”. The rest of the meal, they talked about how school was going, and Clarke remembered that she has to face all her teachers today. It was not going to be pleasant.

\-----------------------

When Lexa woke the next morning, she immediately wanted to crawl back into bed. When Anya and her returned home the previous day, Anya filled Luna in, and she was not as easy going about it. She still didn’t tell the school because she knew I wouldn’t risk my job for a girl. Though, she kind of already did.

Still, she couldn’t understand how she could be so over the moon. It made her feel guilty, ashamed, disgusted. The girl was crying and kissed her. The student was emotional and in a sensitive state, and Lexa didn’t stop it. She rubbed her forehead with her palms while getting out of her bed. She threw on some jogging clothes because damn, she needed some exercise to get her mind off everything going on. 

Worst of all, she enjoyed it, and she’d do it again if the girl wasn’t a student.

Forgetting her thoughts, she threw some earbuds in and ran out the house to begin her jog. Jogging brought her peace of mind, and it always succeeded in bringing her away from any self-destructive thoughts. 

Soon enough, she was back at the house. Of course, her friends were awake and waiting for her. Luna gave her an odd look, and Lexa immediately looked away. She knew her friend was upset with her because of what she did, and she thought Luna had every right to be.

Anya jabbed Luna’s elbow. Anya knew better than Luna how much turmoil was going on in Lexa’s head. She didn’t need Luna’s judgement too. Anya had done her best to support her friend, knowing this is the type of thing that could easily send her friend back into the state that drove her to drugs and alcohol. All they could do was hide their true feelings and be there for her.

Some might see that as fake and two-faced, hiding your true feelings from someone, but in this case, it was to save that someone’s life. Anya would easily take Lexa hating her forever over dead Lexa any day. She knew that once she told Lexa how she truly felt about the situation, Lexa would never forgive her for lying, but it wouldn’t lead her back to alcohol and drugs. That’s all that mattered to Anya. As long as her friend was safe and alive, she could care less what Lexa thinks.

Lexa turned away from her friends and walked straight to the kitchen, not speaking. Anya watched as her friend began cooking a meal, quietly dancing to the music still playing through her earbuds. Anya was also well aware that music helped Lexa to block out her thoughts. Anya had suspected correctly. Lexa was spiraling. 

When she was done cooking breakfast, Lexa placed two plates on the table for her friends before walking to her room with her own plate. She slammed the door behind her and locked it, not wanting to be bothered. 

“Damn,” Luna muttered when she heard Lexa’s door slam and lock. 

“She’s spiraling again,” Anya noted, and Luna sighed. 

“She should be. What she did was wrong,” Luna whispered. 

“You did not just say that!” Anya whisper-yelled. 

“It’s true, and you know it is,” Luna muttered.

“Lexa didn’t kiss her,” Anya finally revealed. She had left that part out because she knew Luna would have no reason to protect Clarke from the people in charge, and Anya was still fond of the blonde. She didn’t want either of them to get in any kind of trouble, but Luna would have no reason to protect her, “She kissed Lexa.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she whisper-yelled.

“Because, I don’t want to get blondie in trouble, and you have no reason not to,” Anya whispered back, trying to keep her volume down, so Lexa wouldn’t hear. 

“I can’t get blondie in trouble for that because it would mean telling them what happened, including Lexa’s role in it,” Luna pointed out. 

“Fair enough, but you might’ve held a personal vendetta against the girl. Deep down, she’s still the same Clarke we met on the first day,” Anya reminded Luna, “She’s been through a lot, and the last thing, either of them, need is to have their lives ruined over this.”

Luna simply nodded and continued eating. She eventually said, “I don’t want to fight you on this.”

“I don’t want to fight you either,” Anya admitted while putting more food in her mouth. Luna nodded, a silent gesture showing she accepted that as an apology, and Anya smiled as she finished eating. She then collected Luna’s plate to clean it as an apology. This is how their household works. All the girls were too proud to apologize to their faces, so they made small gestures like this. 

A few moments later, Lexa came out, washed her dish, and walked to her car. Usually, they all drove together, but it seems Lexa wanted to be alone. Luna and Anya shared a knowing look before getting ready and getting in their cars as well.

At the school, neither girl saw Lexa as she was probably in her classroom, preparing for her next class. Luna and Anya went to their respective classrooms, and Anya was reminded that Clarke was in her first period class. She couldn’t help but wonder if the girl was in similar shape as Lexa. 

About 10 minutes later, Clarke and Raven arrived together, as they did yesterday. Still, Anya noticed something off about the blonde, and she was pretty sure it had to do with the events of the previous afternoon. She looked at the girl, and when the blonde looked back, she immediately diverted her gaze. That confirmed Anya’s thoughts. She regrets it. 

Anya was unsure whether to be relieved or enraged by this. On one hand, it means the girl was remorseful and hadn’t thought her actions through, but on the other hand, it also meant she wished she hadn’t done it. Anya also wishes she hasn’t done it, but she also knows that Lexa, even if it was wrong, didn’t wish the kiss hadn’t happened. Her friend just wished it had happened under better circumstances. The fact that Clarke regretted it meant that she wished it hadn’t happened at all. That is what made Anya angry. The blonde had toyed with Lexa’s feelings and job just to wish it had never happened. 

Anya kept her gaze on the girl as if she could channel all her feelings into the girl with a look, and Clarke definitely felt it. “She’s staring me down,” Clarke whispered to Raven as they sat down, still keeping her gaze on the floor rather than the teacher or her friend. 

“Yeah, no shit. You kissed her best friend and your teacher,” Raven reminded her in a quiet whisper. Clarke looked up at her friend, and Raven was taken aback by the wave of emotion in the blonde’s eyes.

Raven had never seen her friend look so truly confused. There was guilt, embarrassment, sadness, worry, and regret, and that’s just what Raven saw at first glance. She knew she made a mistake by bringing up what Clarke had done, but she still couldn’t get over it. She had never thought Clarke would do something like that. “Sorry,” Raven mumbled under her breath, and Clarke returned her eyes to the floor. 

Anya had watched the exchange from afar, and she saw the look Raven had when Clarke looked at her. Raven looked both afraid and remorseful, and Anya knew Raven was put in a similar position with Clarke as she was with Lexa. Even worse than Anya’s situation because Raven barely knew Clarke, especially in comparison to how well Anya knew Lexa.

Soon, it was time for the lesson to start, and it took everything Anya had to teach with the same excitement as she usually did. She might've gone a little overboard to make up for it, but it seemed that her students didn’t mind. “Don’t forget, we have a test next week before finals!” she reminded her class as they packed up to leave. 

As they were leaving, Anya stopped Clarke, “Clarke, may I speak with you?”

Clarke visibly froze. This could be a range of chats. Scolding her, yelling at her, judging her, anything. Clarke wasn’t sure she was ready for that, but Anya was her teacher. She really wasn’t in a position to refuse a chat with a teacher right now. 

Clarke walked towards Anya’s desk, and she was visibly shaken when she finally made eye contact with Anya. “Relax,” Anya said, and Clarke reluctantly relaxed. “Miss Rivers knows, and she’s not happy. Be warned,” Anya told Clarke, and Clarke nodded quickly before walking out with Raven who had waited for her. 

Anya’s not entirely sure why she warned Clarke. The blonde deserved whatever she had coming for hurting her sister, but still, Anya couldn’t fight the urge to help her. She only had to deal with the girl for two more months anyway. 

When Clarke entered the gym room, she immediately felt Miss River’s eyes on her, and she wanted to run right back out the door. If these were the looks they were giving her, what look would Lexa have for her? Anger? Regret? Embarrassment? Sadness? 

She walked straight to the locker rooms and sat on the benches in there. She needed to get away, but she couldn’t run like a coward. Instead, she decided to calm down. She’s been working herself up all morning, and all these looks she’s getting haven’t been helping. 

Once she was calm, she walked back into the gym and began playing soccer with the other kids. Now that her cast was off, she was able to play, and she missed it. It gave her the opportunity to focus her mind on something while blowing off steam. 

Eventually, gym was over, and Clarke practically ran out of the class. Luckily, Miss Rivers hadn’t tried to stop her.

The rest of Clarke’s classes went smoothly, and she was glad she didn’t have to face Lexa until the end of the day. At lunch, Clarke was mostly quiet, but she occasionally conversed with Octavia and Raven who were careful to steer clear of the events of the previous day. 

Unfortunately for Clarke, psychology rolled around too quickly. Raven and Octavia walked her to the door and wished her luck before heading to their respective classes. Clarke took a deep breath and entered the room. She made sure she didn’t make eye contact with the teacher while she walked straight to her seat in the back. 

When she finally heard the teacher speak, Clarke was so shocked she looked at the teacher. The woman’s voice was so stoic and unfeeling, Clarke had thought it wasn’t even Lexa at all. However, when she looked at the older woman, she knew it was Lexa. She looked at the teacher’s eyes, and all she saw was neutrality, something she didn't expect to see. Still, Clarke looked, and she eventually saw another thing she hadn’t accounted for. Pain. 

Clarke immediately looked away again and began taking notes for the class. Truthfully, she was ahead in the class, but she needed an excuse to look away from the teacher. 

Eventually, the bell rang, and Clarke immediately jumped out of her chair and began packing. Still, she was the last one out of the room, or she would’ve been.

“Wait,” Lexa said. Her voice was still as cold as stone and sharp as a knife. Clarke shivered, not quite sure what to expect, but still, she waited as the teacher requested. 

“We need to talk,” she said while closing the door and standing in front of Clarke. This is also the first time Clarke noticed their height difference. Although the teacher was only a few inches taller, Clarke felt like an ant under the shadow of a lion. She had never felt this worried and… scared in the teacher’s presence. Still, she nodded and followed the teacher to where she decided to sit. 

“I’m sorry,” Clarke said simply when they sat. She didn’t know what the teacher wanted to hear, but that’s all she could think of saying. 

“I’m sorry too,” Lexa nodded. 

“For what? You didn’t even do anything!” Clarke reminded her. 

“I kissed you back,” she said.

“Shh!” Clarke yelled back while looking around. “I’m trying to keep you out of trouble,” she hissed. 

“I deserve trouble,” she shrugged.

“No, you don’t,” Clarke said, firmly. Her words had finally found her, and she wasn’t going to let Lexa blame herself for something that Clarke initiated. Something that Clarke wanted. 

“I kissed you while you were emotional. Sensitive,” she looked away, unable to look at the blonde, “I’m the lowest of low.”

“Stop!” Clarke practically yelled, instinctively putting her hands on the teacher’s shoulders to make her look at her. When she realized what she did, she let go immediately, but she missed the sensation immediately as well. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I kissed you, and you didn’t have time to react any differently. That’s how it happened. I pushed myself on you!” Clarke said again, almost yelling, but remaining quiet enough not to be heard in other classrooms, “I’m the lowest of low.”

She then grabbed her bag and exited the room, not leaving the teacher any space to talk. Almost immediately, Clarke felt a hand wrap around her, and she was pulled back into the teacher. Their faces were inches away from each other, and Clarke felt the teacher lean in. Almost reflexively, Clarke leaned in as well, closing the gap. 

The two kissed for a few moments before Lexa pulled away, and Clarke stared at her in surprise. They both just admitted to feeling awful about kissing the other, and still, they couldn’t stop themselves from doing it again. “I think it’s best if we keep our distance,” Lexa said as she took a step back from Clarke. The older woman turned back to the door and opened it, allowing Clarke to leave. She then sat back at her desk and stared at the papers on her desk. 

Clarke took the opportunity to leave, and she ran to the bathroom of the school. When she got there, she locked herself in a stall and sat on the floor with her back against the door. She didn’t care that it was a school bathroom and was probably dirtier than a pile of shit; she just needed to get away to breathe. 

She took a few seconds to breathe before she finally started crying. It was quiet because she didn’t want anyone to come in and hear, but she cried.

After a few moments, she composed herself and went to the parking lot where she found her friends waiting for her. Now that Clarke didn’t have daily detention, the brunette’s would wait in Octavia’s car outside the school for about half an hour to be sure Clarke wasn’t coming with them.

Clarke got in the backseat of the car and simply said, “Let’s go party.”

\------------------------------

On Lexa’s way home from the school, she found her brain taking over. When she began spiraling, her brain reverted back to old, bad habits such as losing control. Her brain would simply do what it had done for many years, and she never had the will to stop it. 

Because of this, she found herself seated in her car outside of her old favorite liquor store. She stared at it as tears fell down her face. She didn’t want to drink. She really didn’t. She was 6 years sober, and she didn’t want to ruin that now. Still, her brain kept telling her and telling her and telling her that alcohol was the only thing that would make her feel better. 

She cried even harder, and she soon felt the tears fall onto her pants legs as she leaned her head against the steering wheel. This was a fight of sheer willpower and resolve. As demonstrated by her earlier actions with Clarke, her resolve is not very strong against things she feels a strong magnetism for, and after years of drinking alcohol religiously, even with a six year break, she still gravitated towards the burning beverage.

She slammed her fist onto her dashboard as tears continued to flow down her face, as if the sound and pain would snap her mind out of it. She continued punching the dashboard, but nothing worked. Eventually, she just screamed. She screamed because she was angry. She screamed because she was confused. She screamed because she was in pain. She screamed… because she didn’t know who she was anymore. 

She could no longer say she was a woman with strong morals, and she could no longer claim that she was not a liar. She had lied right to Clarke’s face when she said they should keep their distance. She lied to her friends when she said she was working late instead of telling them she was going to the liquor store. 

And, for the first time in six years, she felt the overwhelming urge to drink. To wash it all away with a few sips and be done with it. She usually had the ability to resist it, but now it was so strong. She didn’t want to drink, and for that reason she cried harder. 

She cried harder because her brain didn’t understand that she couldn’t drink. She cried harder because she hated feeling like this; she hated feeling. She cried harder because she wished she had told Clarke the truth. She cried harder because she no longer knew what she wanted to be.

Lexa wiped her tears away and stared at herself through the rearview mirror. She gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles while shifting the car into reverse. She backed out of the parking lot and drove as fast as she could back to her house. 

\-------------------------

At the party, Clarke was drunk beyond belief. At first, she drank to stop feeling, but by the time she stopped feeling, her inhibitions had been lowered. She then continued to drink. Her friends watched from a safe distance as Clarke danced around the house happily, and they couldn’t help but note that she hasn’t appeared this happy in a while. They know it’s because of the alcohol, but still, they want to let her have her moment. They watch a few people approach Clarke, and eventually, they decide to mingle themselves.

About an hour later, they look back to where they had last seen Clarke, and she’s no longer there. They panic a little but simply look around the house. When they still hadn’t found her on the main floor, they walked up the stairs to the bedrooms. When they heard commotion -that didn’t sound sexual- from one, they walked in. 

In the room, they saw Clarke staring wide-eyed at a large dude beating the hell out of another rather large dude. Octavia immediately ran to Clarke while Raven tried to stop the guys from fighting. 

Once everything was calm, one of the big guys spat on the other guy and said, “Get. Out.”

The girls watched as the other dude walked out looking both ashamed and angry. “Okay, please do explain,” Octavia said, and Raven nodded her agreement. Clarke had mentally checked out, from alcohol, shock, and possibly fear, so they knew she wouldn’t be much help for answers. 

“I met Clarke at the party she was at the other day,” he said while sticking his hand out, “I’m Roan.” The other girls nodded, gesturing for him to continue. “This is my party, so naturally, I’ve been keeping my eye on all participants. Anything that happens here reflects back on me,” he explained, and the girls, again, nodded. “I saw that guy wisp Clarke away, and given her alcohol intake, I followed to be safe. It was obvious he had bad intentions, and he would’ve gotten away with it had I not followed him. Naturally, I beat the shit out of him. People like that disgust me,” he finished.

“Thanks for watching her back,” both girls said genuinely, “We’ll make sure she gets home safe.” He nodded and watched as they walked off. “Oh! And maybe get your hands checked out,” Octavia yelled over her shoulder before exiting.

“We should’ve seen something like this happening,” Octavia chided herself aloud. 

“Yeah, but Clarke needed the break,” Raven said, “not that dude trying to do god knows what, but she needed her brain to shut up for a bit. I get that.”

“We should’ve never left,” Octavia scolded herself aloud again. 

“We can’t be expected to babysit her 24/7. We thought she looked okay, so we left. When we noticed something was up, we dropped everything to find her.”

“Had that Roan guy not been there,” Octavia shuddered,” I don’t want to think about it.” Both girls lifted Clarke into Octavia’s car as they buckled the blonde in.

“Me neither,” Raven shuddered while getting in the backseat with Clarke in case she needed anything on the ride. Raven doubted she would need anything, seeing as she still looked like she’d checked out, but she wanted to be there for her friend as much as she could. 

Neither brunette was sure what drove Clarke to drink as much as she did. They both assumed it had to do with the trio of teachers at their school, but neither could understand how that might drive her to drink this much. The only other conceivable option was that she talked with one of them, and they got in a fight. That was plausible, but Clarke didn’t seem that shaken. She seemed more confused than upset or angry. 

“I’m going to take her to ours,” Octavia said from the driver's seat, “Let her mom know.” Raven nodded and sent a quick text to Clarke’s mom from Clarke’s phone.

When they arrived, the brunettes helped Clarke out of the car and into Octavia’s bedroom. Octavia had the biggest bed, and the two decided they’d all spend the night there for moral support. Clarke would feel like shit in the morning, and they still had to go to school. 

Octavia and Raven laid down next to Clarke. They whispered their goodnights, and they slowly drifted to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is just getting annoying at this point BUTTT... FEEDBACK :) I respond when I can, and don't be afraid to ask questions. I know I'm confusing ahahaha


	23. Goodbye Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke, Raven, and Octavia prepare for graduation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this? Two updates in one day?! Yeah, yeah, yeah I was inspired. Anyway, I think this might be my favorite chapter, and I feel it actually makes the most sense of all the chapters in this story so far. Enjoy :)

2 months later, Clarke awoke at an ungodly hour of the morning. Well, it felt like an ungodly hour of the morning because she’s been sleeping in late for the past 2 weeks. She finished her final tests early because she was ahead due to her school in D.C. Because she finished her tests early, she hasn’t been to school in two weeks. Today, she woke up with her friends at her house because they wanted to get ready for graduation together. That’s what today was, graduation. 

Octavia and Raven had gotten their acceptance letters shortly after Clarke. They had all applied for UCLA in hopes of ending up together. Octavia and Raven never really had a plan for schooling, so when Clarke did, they decided to follow her, especially knowing how hard it was for the blonde to make new friends. 

A few moments after waking up, Clarke felt a lump on top of her. “Hey, Baby,” she said upon realizing who it was.

“Aw man, I wanted to surprise you,” she pouted while lying flat on top of Clarke. 

“I didn’t expect to see you in here,” Clarke reminded her, “so you did surprise me.”

“Yay!” she exclaimed while jumping on Raven and Octavia who were still somewhat asleep. “It’s graduation day!” she exclaimed. 

“Woohoo! Graduation day!” Raven sprang up and jumped out of bed. 

“Shut up!” Octavia shouted while covering her ears. 

“Language!” Raven gasped while covering Madi’s ears, mocking all the times Octavia had done that to her. 

Clarke immediately burst into a fit of laughter. Raven couldn’t help but follow, and eventually, all of them were laughing hysterically. That is, until Clarke’s door flew open and a pillow was launched at the group. “If you don’t shut up, I will literally tape your mouths shut,” it was so obviously Charlotte.

“Aw is Charlotte grumpy?” Clarke teased her. As the oldest, it is her job to give her younger sisters a hard time. 

“Yes, Charlotte is very grumpy,” Charlotte grunted, “Now shut up!”

“Fine, no pancakes you,” Clarke huffed, pretending to be serious.

“Wait, no. What? No one said anything about pancakes!” Charlotte yelled. 

“That’s what I thought,” Clarke smirked. “Off to the kitchen I go,” Clarke announced after a moment, struggling to climb out from under the dog pile on her bed. 

Clarke glanced at her phone to see that it was 10 in the morning. Graduation started at 3pm, ended at 6pm, and after that, around 9pm, there’d be a party for the graduating class. A way to say goodbye to all the friends you’ve made that you’ll have to part with. Of course, Clarke had no one to say goodbye to because her friends were coming with her, but she was going for Raven and Octavia who did have friends to say goodbye to. They were also told that it was a masquerade party, and Octavia and Raven assured her that it would be fun to dress up and be mysterious. 

With the time in mind, she began racing around the kitchen to cook for 6 people, leaving them enough time to eat and clean up, before they had to get ready and be able to leave by 2pm. The task sounded easy, but it took a while to cook pancakes, especially the ones Clarke made. 

When she finally cooked enough for the group, she yelled to them. It was 11:30, so they only had 2 and a half hours before they had to leave. She grabbed her plate and began eating. The moment she sat down, she heard the stampede of footsteps from upstairs coming to claim their meals. 

Once they sat down, the group began talking about their plans after college. Clarke wanted to be a musician, Octavia was going into the FBI Behavioral Analysis Unit, and Raven wanted to be a freelance Mechanic. Charlotte said that once she was done with her schooling, she was going to pursue the military, and Clarke thought it was very fitting for her little sister. Madi said that she didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life, and everyone assured her that was normal. 

After they finished eating, Madi, Charlotte, and Abby agreed to clean up so the trio could get ready for their day. The three raced up the stairs, playfully pushing each other around which caused them all to laugh. 

Soon, they reached Clarke's room where they had all stored their gowns. They each grabbed them and quickly threw them on. They didn’t bother taking turns in the bathrooms as they had grown extremely close in the 2 months since it happened. 

When the girls had their dresses on, they helped each other do their hair and makeup. They all went with a natural look for makeup with simple updos for hair. It was simple enough that they finished just in time to leave for graduation. They sprinted to Octavia’s car. “Bye Mom, see you after graduation!” she yelled over her shoulder, and she heard her mom yell back a “good luck” before she jumped into the back of Octavia’s car.

The trio sped off to the high school football stadium to graduate. “We’re really graduating!” Octavia yelled over the music they were blasting and the wind rushing through the rolled down windows.

“We’re graduating, bitches!” Raven yelled out the window, and the other girl’s laughed at her antics. 

A few minutes later, they arrived at the graduation. They mingled around and chatted with people they ran into throughout the year before they were finally called to find their seats in the crowd. 

Clarke sat a few rows down from Octavia because they were organized alphabetically by last name, and Raven was all the way at the back, so they’d basically have to stay until the end, but Clarke didn’t really have anything better to do. 

When Octavia’s name was called almost immediately, Clarke clapped, and she heard Raven cheering from the back which made her snicker. However, this is when she finally looked up at the stage and noticed the people she’d have to walk past. All the unified arts teachers were there as well as the three teachers she never wanted to see again in her life: Miss Woods, Miss Forest, and Miss Rivers. At this point, Clarke was convinced they were there just to spite her. 

Octavia eventually walked off the stage to a separate area where they had asked people to wait until everyone was done. To get there, she had to pass Clarke, and Clarke gave her a congratulatory high-five. 

Soon, a little too soon, Clarke was called up to get her diploma. She shook hands with her music teacher who had helped her a lot with getting into UCLA, almost as much as Lexa. She quickly shook hands with the three teachers, and she didn’t miss the looks they were giving her. She quickened her pace to reach the principal faster, and they eventually handed her her diploma. He quietly congratulated her, knowing she had been through a lot this year, and she thanked him before reaching his hand and walking off. She then met up with Octavia, and the two hugged and talked quietly while they awaited Raven’s turn. 

Raven went about an hour after them, and the trio hugged when they were all on the field, waiting for the final dismissing message from the principal. In fact, it only took him about half an hour before he was joining them and saying, “It’s been a long ride, class of 2020. I spent a while coming up with the correct parting words for this year, and I think I finally found them. Remember, in order for a Pheonix to rise, it must first burn. Congratulations class of 2020!”

Everyone cheered and launched their caps into the air. Clarke looked around as they all fell back to the ground, and she found herself smiling. She did it. She made it to graduation. If you had told her in August that in a few months she’d be graduating, she would’ve laughed in your face and called you a liar. She laughed gleefully, and her friends joined her. “We did it,” she smiled at them, and again, they hugged. 

They collected their caps, more specifically, they helped Clarke collect hers. She had painted it, so she could remember the hell she walked through to get here. Once they had it, they walked to their families. Lincoln and Bellamy had returned for the weekend to celebrate with Octavia. Clarke walked to her family while Raven went to Octavia’s before they all joined together as a group.

“What do you say we go out for a celebratory dinner?” Abby suggested. 

“As long as we’re home in time to get ready for the after party,” Clarke agreed with a shrug, and everyone else nodded. 

“Where to?” Abby asked. 

“I know a place,” Bellamy smiled, and they all agreed to follow him to the location. 

When they arrived, Clarke saw that the sign read “Grounder’s.” She thought it was an odd name for a restaurant, but she went along with it. “They have the best burgers and pizza here. It’s nothing fancy, but nothing says celebrational like greasy, fat filled foods.”

“I’m just bursting with hunger,” Charlotte joked dryly, pointing out that he hadn’t made the meal sound very appetizing. 

“What?” he shrugged. “Was I supposed to lie?” he asked, looking to Clarke for an answer. The blonde simply laughed and shook her head no. 

Bellamy led them to a table since he knew the place the best, and they were almost immediately able to order drinks. Everyone asked for some type of soda aside from her mom who asked for an iced tea. The group chatted and got to know each other until their food arrived. 

Clarke took a bite of the pizza she ordered, and she almost moaned at how good it tasted. She usually cooked for herself, and she almost never made greasy food like this. “Good, huh?” Bellamy asked with a smirk as all the first-timers took a bite. Everyone simply nodded, too engrossed with their meal to say anything. 

When everyone finished their meal, Clarke, Raven, and Octavia excused themselves to get ready for the party. The others stayed behind to pay and finish eating. Eventually, the girls agreed to go to Octavia’s as she had more clothing options, and on the way to the school, they’d stop at a store to buy masks. 

Once at Octavia’s house, the girls spent a few moments picking out their outfits. Clarke picked a tight-fitting blue dress that was rather simple. It was mostly tight, but it fanned out into a skirt around her waist before stopping around her knees. Raven’s dress was similar, but it was red and had more design such as incorporated lace and silk. Octavia, however, wore a black dress that was completely tight-fitting, and it showed off every curve and asset she had. 

The girls whistled at each other, showing their agreement upon each other’s outfit choices before fixing up each other’s makeup and hair. Once done, they quickly made their way back to Octavia’s car where they drove to a store that would sell masquerade masks. 

They each picked out one that matched their dresses. They all complimented each other before buying the masks and finally driving to the school. The girls were practically bouncing in their seats with anticipation. After this, they’d have a summer of freedom before they started college. 

When they finally arrived at the school again, the music could be heard from all the way out in the parking lot. “Are you ready?” Octavia asked her friend. 

“So ready!” Raven yelled while speed walking to the entrance. Clarke and Octavia did their best to keep up, and they all managed to enter at about the same time. They found that the party was already in full swing even though it was only 10pm. They quickly joined the party and did their thing. Raven flirted with anyone and everyone she came in contact with, Octavia mingled and chatted with friends, and Clarke danced. 

Clarke actually really loved dance, but she never took classes. She loved anything with music really. She usually danced around on her own, and if the music called for it, she’d find a random partner on the floor. 

Someone looking from the outside in would find her behavior strange. The girl was closed off and guarded, but when music was involved, she flowed as freely as calm water. It was like someone had handed her a map, and she knew exactly how to read it. It was actually quite fascinating to watch. 

Clarke danced around for a while until a slow song came on, and she found herself without a partner. She glanced around until someone surprised her by pulling them into her and lacing their fingers with hers. She smiled appreciatively at them, and they smirked. 

“I know who you are,” they said, and Clarke immediately recognized the voice, “do you know who I am?”

“Lexa?” she hissed in surprise, trying -not really- to get out of the teacher’s grasp. 

************

_“Lexa?” Clarke asked after stopping at the threshold of the door._

_“Go, Clarke,” she said without emotion._

_“We were friends first, right?” Clarke asked, ignoring the teacher’s order._

_“We were teacher and student first,” she responded just as coldly._

_“I need to talk to someone, but I realized you’re the only person who actually listened and helped me,” Clarke said, and it hurt her to admit that she needed help. It hurt even more to admit that the only person that could help her was Lexa._

_“Get. Out,” Lexa said, teeth obviously clenched._

_Clarke scrunched up her face, hating Lexa’s voice like this, before finally saying, “I’ve been drinking again, and I don’t know how to stop.” She said all so fast she wasn’t even sure Lexa had heard her._

_“I said get out!” Lexa yelled, and it was so loud that Clarke was immediately brought back to all her arguments with Atom. Everytime he had called her a bad name, the time he had thrown anything and everything possible at her, everything. Without any more words, she sprinted out the room, unable to hold back her tears._

_Clarke hated Lexa for putting her back there_

_************** _

_“_ Calm down,” Lexa hissed, and Clarke immediately did. Not because she asked her to, but because the woman’s voice still brought her a sense of safety even after everything they’ve been through. 

“What the hell are you doing? You could get fired!” Clarke whisper-yelled at the woman. They practically stopped all contact so Lexa could keep her job, and this is how the older brunette repays her?

“I need to apologize, and you’ve been avoiding me like the plague,” Lexa said as she began actually dancing to the music. At first, they had been still due to Clarke fighting her grip. 

Clarke relaxed a little, but she didn’t say anything, allowing Lexa what she needed to say for her peace of mind. “I’m sorry I snapped at you,” she began. 

“You’re sorry?” Clarke laughed bitterly, “Do you know what I would’ve given to hear that a month ago?”

“I’m so-” Clarke cut her off by squeezing her hand so tightly Lexa worried it might leave it a mark. Clarke hadn’t meant to hurt the teacher. In fact, she hadn’t hurt the teacher in anger. She had, again, been reminded of all the times Atom had apologized after yelling and calling her names. It also reminded her how the only time he hadn’t apologized was after he threw stuff at her. 

Her brain connected someone not apologizing to her with someone who didn’t care for her. Someone who everything they had ever said to her had been a lie. When Lexa hadn’t apologized in that month, Clarke assumed Lexa never meant any of it, and that Clarke never meant anything to her. Finally hearing that apology, to her, meant that Lexa might’ve meant it. She might’ve meant everything she told the girl, and that terrified her. It angered her as well, but she was more scared and sad at that moment. 

To get Clarke to let go, Lexa spun the girl out in the opposite direction. When Lexa brought her back in, the girl exhaled a shaky breath “Don’t apologize,” her voice was so cold that Lexa almost thought it had come from someone else, “when you’ll do the same thing over and over again.” It was obvious that the girl’s teeth were clenched in pain, anger, sadness, so Lexa tried to leave. 

Instead, Clarke just pulled her closer and whispered, “Give me a moment.” Lexa almost broke when she heard the girl’s voice. It was no longer cold. It sounded broken, sad, in pain, and Lexa knew she had done this to the girl.

Suddenly, the music changed to another somewhat slow song, and Lexa’s heart almost broke when she recognized the song as “Take on the World” by Meet me at Six. She knew it would upset Clarke even more, and the older woman felt even worse. 

When the first words echoed through the room, Lexa felt Clarke’s grip on her tighten, and she heard the girl sniffle. She moved her and from the blondes and placed it with the other around the younger girl’s waist. She didn’t feel as bad about it now that the girl had graduated, but she still didn’t want to freak Clarke out. She only moved her hands in case the girl needed to cry, and Lexa would be there one last time to help her through it. 

Just before the chorus came on, Lexa decided to whisper the words along with the song. It was a song she had listened to a lot when she met Clarke, and she wished she could somehow, without saying it straight up, get the girl to understand that. “You should know, I wish it was me not you.”

That’s when Clarke truly started crying. Lexa felt the younger girl’s knees buckle, and she immediately tightened her grip to stop the girl from falling. 

“ _Nobody knows you the way that I know you,_ ” Lexa repeated as she heard Clarke cry harder.

Lexa did a double take as she heard a whisper, “ _Look in my eyes, I will never desert you._ ” Clarke looked up at Lexa, and they stared into each other’s eyes for a while. They still had their masks on, but they could easily make out each other’s eyes. Lexa couldn’t take it anymore, and she pulled the blonde into a kiss. Clarke returned it while bringing her delicate hands to Lexa’s jaw. The kiss was hesitant, but it was passionate. Both girl’s understood it to be what it was. A goodbye. Still, they enjoyed it as if it was not their last.

When they finally pulled away, the song was nearing the end, and Lexa whispered, “ _I will never desert you,_ ” with the song, and it took everything in Lexa to walk away. If it had been up to her, she would’ve stayed there forever, but it was not. They each had a life to live, and they were both convinced that they were not meant to be lived together.

Clarke watched with sad eyes as Lexa left. She knew she had to. She knew it. Still, there was something deep within Clarke that shattered.

_********** _

_“I- I feel so alone,” she said while turning her head away from the teacher and averting her eyes._

_Lexa got the sudden urge to gently grab the girl’s chin to make her look at her, but she refrained. “Clarke,” she cooed, “Look at me.”_

_Clarke shook her head, telling her that she didn’t want to talk about it, and she didn’t want to look at her. “You’re not alone,” Lexa said to her, and Clarke thought it sounded a lot like a promise._

_“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Lexa,” Clarke said, making sure to use the teacher’s first name to add sincerity, “Everyone’s alone because everyone leaves eventually. One way or another.”_

_“Well that’s a rather sad way of looking at it,” Lexa remarked._

_“It’s the way of the world. Everyone. Leaves,” Clarke reiterated._

_“Clarke,” Lexa breathed sadly, and this time she was not able to stop herself from gently grabbing the girl’s face and turning towards her._

_Clarke gasped at the touch, but she didn’t fight it. In fact, she found herself leaning into the touch._

_Lexa gasped when she saw what was in the girl’s eyes. All she saw was pain. Hurt. Nostalgia. She softened her eyes at the girl. “I won’t leave,” she said like a sincere promise._

_“You can’t keep that promise,” Clarke said while trying to turn her head, but Lexa didn’t let her. Instead, she just averted her gaze._

_“Look at me,” Lexa practically demanded, but her voice still had a gentle edge to it. Still, Clarke found herself heeding her teacher’s demands. All she saw in her beautiful green eyes was sincerity and sadness. “I’m not leaving you,” Lexa repeated._

_Clarke started tearing up. No one had told her anything like this. No one had been this genuine. When a tear finally fell down her cheek, she was quick to wipe it away, but she couldn’t stop herself from pulling her teacher into a tight hug. “Thank you,” she whispered into the teacher’s ear._

**************

Clarke almost collapsed as she realized why she felt so destroyed. Lexa had broken her promise. Clarke had trusted her to keep it, and she broke it. She felt the hot tears fall down her face as she felt herself fall towards the ground. She was saved when Raven swooped up behind her and pulled the girl up. Raven wrapped her in a huge hug and allowed Clarke to cry on her shoulder. A few minutes later, when she recovered, she whispered against Raven’s shoulder, “Goodbye forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that concludes part one of this story! Have no fear, part two should be out soon, and I have a feeling most people will fall in love with it just as I have fallen in love with the idea of it.
> 
> Also, sorry if this story isn't what you expected. I know a lot of people thought it would end with Clarke and Lexa together, and I'm sure many people were reading to find that point. Of course, this is not the end, but theoretically you could read part two without having read part one. Hopefully no one feels like I wasted their time by making this part one, but I think it's important to note the fairly close relationship they had as well as how easily and quickly it all fell apart. 
> 
> See you all on the other side!


	24. IT IS TIME EVERYONE! CHAPTER 1 OF PART 2 IS OUT!

I hope everyone likes it, but I should warn you, the first few chapters are DEFINITELY not what you'll expect. Have no fear: Clexa is endgame, Clarke, Lexa, and all other mains WILL NOT DIE, There will be a lot of angst and fluff (maybe smut?), and, last but not least, my continuous notes to remind you to leave feedback :)

**Author's Note:**

> Just so people know, I don't have a specific schedule for updates. Usually I don't got for more than a week, or occasionally one month, without updating though. That being said, be patient with me, and know that I won't stop updating a story without seeing it though UNLESS otherwise stated :)


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